What is wrong with us?
May 27, 2012 3:08 PM Subscribe
Help me understand what goes through a persons mind when they decide it is okay to lie or lie by omission. What is wrong with us?
posted by i_wear_boots to human relations (30 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Some background: My partner and I have been together a little over a year and a half. We do not live together and my partner is going through a divorce that is amicable that involves children. I've felt our relationship to be stable with average misunderstandings and my partner has expressed feeling we always fight and in some areas not compatible. In spite of this, we feel deeply in love with each other.
My partner requested to have some alone time over a weekend on days we normally would see each other. We don't live together and see each other half of the weekend and 1 or 2 evenings during the week. My partner has a lot of stress with work, kids and a divorce going on, so I obliged but unwillingly. I sent an email to my partner to not call me until ready to see me and talk. So, 5 days went by until I got a call. I expressed how upset and angry I was and we decided to see each other over the weekend and talk. By the time my partner got to my house because of a previous commitment, it was late and I didn't have the energy to talk extensively about how the alone time episode made me feel, but I did express my insecurities about what alone time means to me and how it happened to be when past partners cheated on me. My concern being; what could a partner do that they could not do in my presence. We resolved the alone time issue by my partner reassuring me that it was just about not wanting to have any responsibility for anything, doing things around the house and watching marathon movies. My partner acknowledged them in a comforting and assuring way and I felt it was resolved.
When cleaning my partner's place a few days later, I found a receipt for an expensive dinner he went to at night in the next county over on a weekend my partner needed alone time without me. Things were going really well and this made me feel lied to and betrayed and I also felt that I had done something terribly wrong that made my partner lie to me and feel unable to share this information with me. It brought about a lot of insecurities and thinking of reasons why my partner said they could not afford to take me out to dinner or how many other times this has happened and I never even suspected it. I confronted my partner about it in a calm way, I knew there had to be an explanation for this. Something similar had happened several months back when I found a recently written love note from a past partner that was a keepsake and ended up being no big deal once we talked about it. Once confronted, my partner held hands to the head and needed to leave for a few minutes because of the stress. Upon returning we talked and the explanation was my partner had gotten a call from a friend he had not seen in a long time and thought it would be nice to take his friend and daughter to dinner. At that point I knew who it was; a person my partner once had a long distance friendship with and slept with on several occasions. I knew of the person, but thought they were no longer in contact since our relationship felt so serious. My partner feels they could not say it to me because I'd be upset and has been trying to mitigate things in our relationship. I am so confused and hurt. I am deeply saddened and trying to be cool about it because I am not planning on ending our relationship because of this. I don't feel I can talk about with any of my friends or family because I know what they'll say.
Help me understand what goes through a persons mind when they decide it is okay to lie or lie by omission. We are in love, but how does this fit into an equation of a loving committed couple? What insight can you give me into this sort of dynamic? What do you think is wrong with us?