Estranged friends sending dead cat memorial cards...

May 25, 2012 9:59 PM

A few months ago, I severed ties with a few people I know through the internet. Today, I received a card from the SPCA saying that these people have made a donation memorializing my recently deceased cat. What is the appropriate way to respond?

I made the decision to stop talking or interacting with them because of a few heated discussions on facebook. I was annoyed at their displays of insensitivity toward minorities and women. You know, things I've become more perceptive of since I started reading metafilter and dating a feminist. After a few arguments with them, I made a commitment to myself that I would try to shed the dead weight of their friendship. I also happen to have met these people through an online community, so it's not like I would have to see them in person, which made the severance a little easier.

Since making that decision, my cat became gravely ill and died within about 2 days of her diagnosis with feline leukemia. It was a very tough thing to deal with. She was my first cat and was barely two years old when she left, way too early. But I'm a better person for having known her.

Well, I guess my ex-internet friends caught wind of this and even though we were not on speaking terms, they made a donation to the SPCA in her honor and had a card sent to my address.

It's like they did not respect my decision to reject their friendship and they used this very personal tragedy to score some brownie points. I was very comfortable with the idea of not talking to them for a long long time for perfectly legitimate reasons, and now this just makes it very uncomfortable.

Am I validated in feeling uncomfortable? Should I do anything beyond hanging the card on my fridge?

posted by triceryclops to human relations (31 answers total)

That's a pretty dark reading of their actions.

You spurned them - even if you had very good moral reasons to do so, you spurned them. And they put themselves out to do something kind for you.

Unless they are the sort of grievous villains who deserve no mercy in life, they are at worst a mixed bag, as are we all, and deserve praise for goodness.

A 'Thank you' is in order.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:03 PM on May 25, 2012 [78 favorites]

So sorry for the loss of your cat.

I think it sounds like your ex-friends are just being kind; a message of thanks would be appropriate. You don't need to keep in contact with them beyond that, but acknowledging their message of sympathy would be polite.
posted by OolooKitty at 10:07 PM on May 25, 2012 [4 favorites]

"It's like they did not respect my decision to reject their friendship and they used this very personal tragedy to score some brownie points."

That seems harsh. It seems more like they knew you cared for your cat, considered you a friend, and wanted to show you compassion during this time. They didn't reach out to you personally to try to take advantage of your personal tragedy, they had a donation made and a card acknowledging it was sent. That's a very nice and respectful thing to do.

I agree that a thank you note is in order.
posted by vivzan at 10:18 PM on May 25, 2012 [8 favorites]

In reading your posting it sounds as though you simply dropped out of their on-line lives rather than having had a discussion about "no further contact". If that is the case, even more reason to treat this gesture as a kindness and respond appropriately.

If you see it is as a possible attempt to re-establish an on-going relationship which you do not wish, just drop them a thank you note, through the mail, and take no other steps to make contact.

I also agree that their action demonstrates a more sincere level of friendship and caring than you give them credit for.
posted by uncaken at 10:26 PM on May 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

You don't need to thank them. I don't know if it was manipulative or not, but having things mailed to you is inappropriate if you're not on speaking terms. Ignore. If you become friendly again later--IF--then you can thank them.

This idea that any old person can obligate you to thank them just by doing something "nice" that you never asked for is ridiculous.
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:27 PM on May 25, 2012 [31 favorites]

Every now and then on AskMeFi I'm reminded of the fantastic advice to choose to adopt the most favorable reasonable interpretation of another's action. That would seem to be a good starting point here.

On the other hand, you need not invite them back into your life if you don't want to. It seems like you could acknowledge this presumed act of thoughtfulness with a simple "thank you" and then continue your course of non-interaction.
posted by MoonOrb at 10:34 PM on May 25, 2012 [12 favorites]

You say thank you.
posted by LarryC at 10:41 PM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

You don't need to thank them. I don't know if it was manipulative or not, but having things mailed to you is inappropriate if you're not on speaking terms. Ignore. If you become friendly again later--IF--then you can thank them.

This idea that any old person can obligate you to thank them just by doing something "nice" that you never asked for is ridiculous.
posted by the young rope-rider

This is the best answer, without question. I can't imagine why anyone would think otherwise.
posted by blaneyphoto at 10:45 PM on May 25, 2012 [4 favorites]

Of course you're not obligated to respond in any way, but were their transgressions really so egregious that you not only have to impute bad motives to them but can't bother to send a postcard that says "thanks" on it?

Personally, I find it rewarding to be civil even to those I do not like and would not choose to interact with given the choice. I don't really feel like interpersonal relationships are all or nothing. They are a continuum. Resolving never to speak to someone does nothing for me. It seems more like putting on some kind of show for myself. If I don't want to talk to someone on any given day, I just don't. No drama, no absolutes, just taking it one day at a time.

All that said, if it causes you mental anguish of some sort to spend the 25 cents and 2-3 minutes of your time it would take to send a thank you card, don't. As I said, you're not obligated to do so. If you don't even like these people, it's not as if it's any skin off your nose.

tl;dr: Send a thank you card, do not put the card you received on your fridge if you do not want to think further about these people.
posted by wierdo at 11:12 PM on May 25, 2012 [8 favorites]

Life's too short to automatically assume the worst of people. Sometime people do the right thing, even those people who tend to be insensitive jerks. Whether or not you respond to their kindness (and make no mistake, whatever their intention, a donation to the SPCA is indeed a kindness), they did a good thing. A bad person who does a good thing for a bad reason, is still ultimately doing a good thing, and I don't understand why you'd be upset with sending a "thank you". That being said, you don't HAVE to say anything....

Worst-case scenario : they're trying to make you feel bad by giving a donation to a great organization. Your reaction : Ignore them, and be happy that the SPCA got a donation!
Best-case scenario : They truly miss your friendship, and wished they hadn't been so insensitive in the past, and ALSO GAVE A DONATION TO A GREAT ORGANIZATION! Your reaction : Be thankful for the kindness of others.
posted by newfers at 11:18 PM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

You're allowed to say thanks but have no further contact with them.
posted by mleigh at 11:38 PM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Then again, you're allowed to not say thanks and have no further contact with them.

But your interpretation of their actions is pretty ... negative. That is the best way I can put it. I'd stop doing that. Gaze too long into the abyss, my friend, and the abyss will... well, you get the idea.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:46 AM on May 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

I agree with young rope-rider. You are not obligated to say thank you to toxic people you've cut out of your life. I would feel manipulated in your situation, too.
posted by Lieber Frau at 2:12 AM on May 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

You're not obligated to do anything in response, but I have to agree with others that this is a very churlish reading of their actions (of course this is said not being privy to your personal experience of these people as friends over a period of time). Deaths, whether of pets or people, are often seen as exemptions to no contact rules, even ones imposed on oneself; while these people may have values that you find toxic, it doesn't mean they don't have any empathy for the pain you are experiencing and were sitting plotting this out and cackling. That does not put you under any obligations, however. Though if you're thinking about sending a 'how dare you!' note, I would advise against it as not just potentially opening up lines of communication in the worst way, but also being out of proportion to what they've done.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 2:21 AM on May 26, 2012 [7 favorites]

I don't think you owe them anything. If you don't want to say thanks, don't.

But, as you're probably tired of hearing, I don't see the conniving behavior you are. I've unfriended people on facebook, old classmates, because of what I find as negative attitudes. But I also know they have good qualities. Not wanting to deal with them doesn't change that.

Most of the 'manipulation' people feel from others is in their head. Honestly, the amount of time others spend trying to bring you down is usually much less than you'd like to believe.
posted by justgary at 2:52 AM on May 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't think you need to say thank you if what you are feeling is not gratitude.
posted by spunweb at 2:52 AM on May 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

They were trying to be nice. Send them a "thank you for the sympathy" note. Then let it go at that.

You sound young and sure you are right and righteous. One of the things that I have finally learned is that not everyone I meet is going to have the same political opinions as me, and that everyone has their own prejudices, including me and those who agree with me. It took me a long time to realize that people are a mix, and some who have opinions I think are dreadful on some subjects like race or poverty can still be good people in other ways, and there are things I can learn from them on other subjects.

You may still wish to distance yourself from these people, but give it some thought, and do acknowledge their kind gesture about the loss of your beloved cat. Two years is way too young, and I also send my sincere sympathy as a cat lover who has been there many times, and it never gets easier.
posted by mermayd at 2:55 AM on May 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

If you don't say thank you, they won't be surprised, so you should be okay.
posted by michaelh at 4:12 AM on May 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

They didn't give the money to you, so you don't HAVE to say thank you. It would be gracious, adult and kind to acknowledge what they did. All you have to say is that the RSPCA sent you a card and you appreciate the gesture and wish them well in the future.

That tells them to go stuff a goat up their jumpers more than anything else, and you're seen as courteous at the same time.

Really, it serves both purposes and you have the higher moral ground. I believe that unless they murdered your virgin nun motherless orphaned disabled endangered tasmanian tiger, you must acknowledge.


"I appreciate the gesture made to the RSPCA and wish you all the very best in the future. Regards, Tricelerytops."

The brevity says it ALL.
posted by taff at 4:42 AM on May 26, 2012 [6 favorites]

It is up to you if you want to send a thank you note or not. Both are fine.

Imho though, the issue is with your perception of this.
The SPCA sent you a note, not those people. Those people made a donation to a cause that they knew was near and dear to you. Some money that will benefit animals in honor of your cat’s name.
I think if they had ill intentions they would most likely have contacted you directly to open the lines of communication. But they didn't.
posted by travelwithcats at 5:01 AM on May 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was part of an almost identical situation once, except I was on the side of the estranged group of ex-internet friends doing the gifting, when the husband of someone I met and knew on the internet for years was killed in Afghanistan. We sent flowers to the funeral, to acknowledge years of friendship and very real grief we felt for her, even though we no longer spoke. There was no negative intention and no expectation she would contact us. (She didn't.)

Try not to think the worst of these people. They've presumably known you for a long time and everyone who has ever had a pet knows how rough it is to lose one. They're just being nice. That said, you don't need to respond unless you want to.
posted by something something at 5:02 AM on May 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

I made the decision to stop talking or interacting with them...
After a few arguments with them, I made a commitment to myself...
I was very comfortable with the idea of not talking to them for a long long time...

Do these people know that they're "ex" internet friends?

It's like they did not respect my decision to reject their friendship

Or maybe they were unaware of your decision.

Am I validated in feeling uncomfortable?

Eh, you feel what you feel. But life is much more pleasant if you assume the best about people. Look at people's responses to the holdkris99 hoax. That felt like a personal betrayal to many, many people, but for the most part people are saying they'd rather fall for a hoax than become hardened to someone else's mourning.
posted by headnsouth at 6:06 AM on May 26, 2012 [9 favorites]

Always assume the best from peoples motives. Despite what you hear on the internet/news most people are kind, and may say dumb and offensive things online that they would never actually think or do in real life, so assume the donation came from a good place. Sending them a thank you note or email is something you could do, but I wouldn't feel you have to do it as it was the ASPCA that sent you the note not them. Just remember the act of kindness if you think of them in the future and remember they weren't all bad.

Of course you know the person better than us and if they have a history of being manipulative then ignore everything thing I said.
posted by wwax at 6:08 AM on May 26, 2012

From the list of 25 words that don't exist in English that's been making the rounds:

Arigata-meiwaku (Japanese): An act someone does for you that you didn’t want to have them do and tried to avoid having them do, but they went ahead anyway, determined to do you a favor, and then things went wrong and caused you a lot of trouble, yet in the end social conventions required you to express gratitude

I see a lot of people are telling you to take their action in the most positive light; you know best if the gesture was genuine or if it was a passive-aggressive way of needling you. I have a family member that I don't get along with who has been doing this to me on Facebook lately: over-the-top, hyperbolic niceness calculated to annoy me while still retaining plausible deniability. It's childish, and weirdly infuriating, but it happens.

So do what you feel is best. Don't feel like you owe them resumed contact unless that's really what you want.
posted by gerryblog at 7:48 AM on May 26, 2012 [14 favorites]

Do they know that you're not on speaking terms? Or do they think you just fell out of touch? Because it matters a lot in terms on interpreting their motives.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:49 AM on May 26, 2012

[helpful answers ormove on, folks ]
posted by jessamyn at 10:03 AM on May 26, 2012

This idea that any old person can obligate you to thank them just by doing something "nice" that you never asked for is ridiculous.

It is ridiculous. Which is why it would be polite to say "thank you". An act of thoughtfulness is worth acknowledging.

No one is ever under any obligation to do anything just because someone thinks or does something else. You're not giving away your agency by accepting that they thought of you and did a kind thing for needy animals.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:22 AM on May 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

Why will you be putting this card up on your fridge?????

Thank them. Or don't.

But don't put the damn note on your fridge so you can re-aggravate yourself daily over this gesture! Geez!
posted by jbenben at 10:46 AM on May 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

I am so sorry for you loss.

For some people, death supersedes everything. It reminds them of their mortality and they are more likely to do kind things and try to mend fences; "hey, I know we said some shitty things and will never be friends again, but man, I know how close you were with your cat and I really am sorry for your loss." It's what human beings do.

You don't have to do anything at all about it, but at the least, try to shake the negative feelings it has given you. Look at it this way: If they hadn't made a donation, the SPCA wouldn't have gotten some money and some animals might not have gotten food/care. So be glad for that and toss the card in the trash - do NOT put it on the fridge - and move on.
posted by NoraCharles at 3:40 PM on May 26, 2012 [2 favorites]

You're overthinking it. It was a nice gesture.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:28 PM on May 27, 2012

If they had killed your cat, refusing to thank them would be completely appropriate. Any contact with dangerous people only brings more danger into your life.

Since they didn't kill your cat, but were instead acknowledging your loss with what most reasonable people would consider a kind gesture, thanking them is certainly appropriate.

Of course you're not obligated to thank them. There are no etiquette police out there ready to swoop in and clap you in jail if you refuse to be civil to your fellow human beings. Embrace being the kind of person you want to be, there's no law against it.

I think it was most likely a conciliatory gesture, or straight-up kindness from people who may not have realized yet that they've been friend-dumped. There's a world of difference between thanking them for the gesture and continuing your friendship with them. The former doesn't have to be a slippery slope to the latter.
posted by tel3path at 6:39 AM on June 4, 2012