I am not the boss of you
May 24, 2012 4:24 PM Subscribe
I'm tired of being the bad guy at home. How to better communicate this?
posted by Gilbert to human relations (32 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
Hi all. The old me would have thrown things and screamed hurtful things. The new me is asking for help. For whatever reason, I've gotten myself into a dynamic with my SO such that any unpleasant or non-fun activity is my project to move forward. Some examples:
exercise: We both would like to exercise more, and we both decided we would like to do so together. After reading around, we found the couch to 5k program, which she found particularly appealing. As soon as we started actually doing it, though, I ended up being the enforcer. Days, times, details, etc. were all handled by me. Each day, she waited for me to say it was time to go out again, and would complain about it while she got ready. I bailed on this project when she joked that the very fact she was even doing this along with me showed what a great gal she was. I stopped bringing it up, and it stopped happening.
budget: We're trying to save money for things like large purchases and vacations. We both agree we need a budget. Again, the entire baby is in my lap. Other than agreeing that it needs to be done, she won't raise a finger. I suggested scheduling a meeting. She agreed. The time came and went. She apologized for missing the meeting, and told me to schedule another one and let her know when it is.
When she thinks I might be upset with her, she says things like "do you want to do some laundry?" as if that would be the greatest thing for me to hear. Mind you, this would be all her laundry, as mine is all done. I got tired of all the pushback I got when we tried to do laundry together, so I just do my own now.
I have no interest in being the RA in this relationship. I've communicated this in the past, but it keeps happening. Earlier today, she bragged that she had emptied the dishwasher, then said she did it so that she wouldn't get "in trouble." "Trouble" in this case would have been the guilt that she felt when I emptied the dishwasher like I was planning to: I have never asked her to either load or unload it.
Part of me wants to say screw it, blow off any common goals, and just pursue my own ends. That just sounds so... wrong. I'm not sure what to do or say next.
tl;dr: SO is setting me up to be her mom. how can two people achieve their common goals when one of them still has to be dragged there?