Help me cope with the idea of a coming separation
May 21, 2012 6:02 PM Subscribe
We've been together for the past 15 years. My wife recently discovered that she in fact does not love me. It's making me feel very weak - we've started therapy, but i'm looking for ways to cope between sessions, and also come to terms with the fact that we may separate. Long story follows.
I'm mid-30s, male. We met in high school and started dating in university. We have two wonderful kids aged 3 and 6. We both have jobs we like.
Over the past decade, my wife had 2 large depressions, as well as almost debilitating obsessive compulsive behavior. She was treated successfully (yay therapy!) but as part of the process of getting better, she has realized that she doesn't love me anymore - and she suspects it never has been the case. She came to this realization after falling in love with someone else a couple of years ago (in what she describes as an entirely fantasized story).
I'm feeling incredibly hurt and weak at the moment, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with those feelings. We've started our first couples therapy session last week.
I'm struggling with the following questions - and I'm looking at shared experiences, tips and ideas to cope.
What can I do to regain strength ? I'm feeling incredibly weak mentally and emotionally - I only feel well spending time with my kids and my close friends, but I've been avoiding more and more contacts with the larger world as I feel pretty much unable to communicate with people without feeling very sad and distant.
How do I regain calm ? Right now I'm mad at myself - for not realizing that this was happening, but also for raising the subject in the first place, as she says that me asking her to be more involved in domestic life (she's in academia. she works a lot. all the time. I asked her to not look at e-mail for 2 hours per day before the kids went to sleep) made her realize that, actually, she wasn't interested in me anymore.
But also mad at her - I can't shake the feeling that what she's doing is incredibly egoist - and that she's doesn't seem to realize how cruel some of her behavior is. I'm also feeling that I'm starting to read a lot of our past relationship as me being taken advantage of - though I didn't feel like it at the time, and would really like to keep the good memories good instead of destroying them.
What should I do to understand what to do: she tells me "it's not your fault, I have nothing fault you with, it's just that I changed". I don't believe that. I've tried asking her in various ways, but she still can't seem to be able to tell me what's wrong. So I know couple therapy has just started, but I just can't stand doing nothing and watching the relationship sour because of that. The problem is that I don't know what to do - I feel stuck.
If we separate, how do I come to terms with the idea of sharing the kids ?
So the one thing we do phenomenally well is being parents. Although I really don't want her to leave me - I even less want the kids to have a shitty life because their parents can't stand each other anymore (so far this has not happened - I don't feel this has leaked to the kids, but I can certainly see the possibility of this happening). So far I don't want to dig too much in what would happen if we were to separate, but one thing that been scaring me is the idea of being separated from the kids. Being a father is the part of my life I enjoy the most. I would be happy to keep the kids and raise them on my own, but this is unlikely to happen (we're not married, in Europe, and so unless there's a major issue with one parent, it's going to be a shared custody). I also know that it would be sad for the kids to lose contact with their mom. So while hoping this never happens, I'm also looking at ways of thinking that show me that shared custody is in fact the right choice - even if I'm having trouble envisioning it right now.
This is very long and all over the place - Thank you for your answers and recommendations.
throwaway gmail : throwawayaskmefi@googlemail.com
I'm mid-30s, male. We met in high school and started dating in university. We have two wonderful kids aged 3 and 6. We both have jobs we like.
Over the past decade, my wife had 2 large depressions, as well as almost debilitating obsessive compulsive behavior. She was treated successfully (yay therapy!) but as part of the process of getting better, she has realized that she doesn't love me anymore - and she suspects it never has been the case. She came to this realization after falling in love with someone else a couple of years ago (in what she describes as an entirely fantasized story).
I'm feeling incredibly hurt and weak at the moment, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with those feelings. We've started our first couples therapy session last week.
I'm struggling with the following questions - and I'm looking at shared experiences, tips and ideas to cope.
What can I do to regain strength ? I'm feeling incredibly weak mentally and emotionally - I only feel well spending time with my kids and my close friends, but I've been avoiding more and more contacts with the larger world as I feel pretty much unable to communicate with people without feeling very sad and distant.
How do I regain calm ? Right now I'm mad at myself - for not realizing that this was happening, but also for raising the subject in the first place, as she says that me asking her to be more involved in domestic life (she's in academia. she works a lot. all the time. I asked her to not look at e-mail for 2 hours per day before the kids went to sleep) made her realize that, actually, she wasn't interested in me anymore.
But also mad at her - I can't shake the feeling that what she's doing is incredibly egoist - and that she's doesn't seem to realize how cruel some of her behavior is. I'm also feeling that I'm starting to read a lot of our past relationship as me being taken advantage of - though I didn't feel like it at the time, and would really like to keep the good memories good instead of destroying them.
What should I do to understand what to do: she tells me "it's not your fault, I have nothing fault you with, it's just that I changed". I don't believe that. I've tried asking her in various ways, but she still can't seem to be able to tell me what's wrong. So I know couple therapy has just started, but I just can't stand doing nothing and watching the relationship sour because of that. The problem is that I don't know what to do - I feel stuck.
If we separate, how do I come to terms with the idea of sharing the kids ?
So the one thing we do phenomenally well is being parents. Although I really don't want her to leave me - I even less want the kids to have a shitty life because their parents can't stand each other anymore (so far this has not happened - I don't feel this has leaked to the kids, but I can certainly see the possibility of this happening). So far I don't want to dig too much in what would happen if we were to separate, but one thing that been scaring me is the idea of being separated from the kids. Being a father is the part of my life I enjoy the most. I would be happy to keep the kids and raise them on my own, but this is unlikely to happen (we're not married, in Europe, and so unless there's a major issue with one parent, it's going to be a shared custody). I also know that it would be sad for the kids to lose contact with their mom. So while hoping this never happens, I'm also looking at ways of thinking that show me that shared custody is in fact the right choice - even if I'm having trouble envisioning it right now.
This is very long and all over the place - Thank you for your answers and recommendations.
throwaway gmail : throwawayaskmefi@googlemail.com
Individual therapy - talk to someone who you don't have an existing relationship with (friends/family) who will be able to help you get closer to working out these issues.
posted by mleigh at 6:22 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by mleigh at 6:22 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, I asked this question a few years back, and got some great input. It addresses issues you may be dealing with in the next little while moreso that today's question, but I wanted to offer it up.
posted by Richat at 6:28 PM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Richat at 6:28 PM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I am sure that others will have better advice for your other points, but I would just like to say something about this:
she tells me "it's not your fault, I have nothing fault you with, it's just that I changed". I don't believe that. I've tried asking her in various ways, but she still can't seem to be able to tell me what's wrong.
I know that you are hurting in ways that most could never imagine, and that you really want to find some way, any way, to fix your marriage. But, you need to understand that she is telling you exactly whats wrong, and that there is no way for you to "fix" it by changing some random small thing. "I don't believe it" is a very dangerous mindset, because now not only are you dealing with the issue of her lost love, but also that you aren't willing to listen and believe her.
From the time you meet, she has changed and grown. She no longer feels that she is compatible in a way that fosters love. You are not going to foster love by calling her stated concerns false or acting like she is hidding the truth from you. There is no cheat code that you can enter that will make an easily solvable problem appear to replace her honest concerns.
Many many many people grow apart. Many people don't know why. You are not alone and not at fault. This can happen even if you were the most amazing man in existence.
You are not alone. You are not bad or wrong or horrible. This issue is inside of her as a result of her growth, not because you failed her.
posted by Shouraku at 6:30 PM on May 21, 2012 [15 favorites]
she tells me "it's not your fault, I have nothing fault you with, it's just that I changed". I don't believe that. I've tried asking her in various ways, but she still can't seem to be able to tell me what's wrong.
I know that you are hurting in ways that most could never imagine, and that you really want to find some way, any way, to fix your marriage. But, you need to understand that she is telling you exactly whats wrong, and that there is no way for you to "fix" it by changing some random small thing. "I don't believe it" is a very dangerous mindset, because now not only are you dealing with the issue of her lost love, but also that you aren't willing to listen and believe her.
From the time you meet, she has changed and grown. She no longer feels that she is compatible in a way that fosters love. You are not going to foster love by calling her stated concerns false or acting like she is hidding the truth from you. There is no cheat code that you can enter that will make an easily solvable problem appear to replace her honest concerns.
Many many many people grow apart. Many people don't know why. You are not alone and not at fault. This can happen even if you were the most amazing man in existence.
You are not alone. You are not bad or wrong or horrible. This issue is inside of her as a result of her growth, not because you failed her.
posted by Shouraku at 6:30 PM on May 21, 2012 [15 favorites]
I don't have time to respond in detail, but the same thing happened to me--married high school sweetheart, we were together 15 years, and then she fell out of love (and into love with a colleague, natch), got divorced. I've been there in that pit, too--quit my job, moved to another state to make it work, to try anything to save it all, the deadening helplessness of it all.
In my particular case, it didn't work. But I'm about to marry a wonderful woman, so that's nice. I'd also say my life is better in every way, now that I have a few years' distance on it.
There's no saying how this will unfold. A lot of us have been there, though, and can attest to the miracle that, really and truly, life does go on, even from what seems like cataclysmic changes.
I wish you the best. Feel free to memail me.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:38 PM on May 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
In my particular case, it didn't work. But I'm about to marry a wonderful woman, so that's nice. I'd also say my life is better in every way, now that I have a few years' distance on it.
There's no saying how this will unfold. A lot of us have been there, though, and can attest to the miracle that, really and truly, life does go on, even from what seems like cataclysmic changes.
I wish you the best. Feel free to memail me.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:38 PM on May 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Oh man, I'm sorry.
There are things that you can fix on your own, and there are things that you can't. Your relationship? That can only be fixed if both people are willing to put in the effort, and she's not there.
Focus on what you can fix. Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and with your friends. Get back in touch with your hobbies, or find a new one. Exercise more. Eat better. Plan an adventure with your kids, and do it.
The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. "Us" isn't something you can fix on your own.
posted by swngnmonk at 6:39 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
There are things that you can fix on your own, and there are things that you can't. Your relationship? That can only be fixed if both people are willing to put in the effort, and she's not there.
Focus on what you can fix. Spend as much time as you can with your kids, and with your friends. Get back in touch with your hobbies, or find a new one. Exercise more. Eat better. Plan an adventure with your kids, and do it.
The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. "Us" isn't something you can fix on your own.
posted by swngnmonk at 6:39 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
What can I do to regain strength ?
This is kind of roundabout, but: I'm scared of spiders. Always have been. I'm such a giant baby about them, in fact, that if my 5-year-old is around, I'll ask him to take it outside (and he does). But my 3-year-old, on the other hand, is at least as afraid as I am. When it's just the two of us, I suddenly stop being so terrified. I just ... do it; I trap the spider in a cup or whatever and take it out.
All this is to say that sometimes, you get stronger by seeing yourself as the protector of someone weaker than yourself. In your case, it's your children. Stand between them and the heartache you're feeling -- in the immediate sense, this means shielding them from what's going on, just in case you and your wife patch it up, so they'll never have to know; and at some point this might change to putting them first in the event of a separation. I don't mean "put them first" like, reluctantly put aside your own desires for theirs. I mean, see yourself as the force that will keep them whole and sound. You will be strong as long as you're being strong for them.
You say yourself that you feel your best when you're with them. So make them your conscious mission; focus on making them feel loved and secure.
posted by palliser at 6:41 PM on May 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
This is kind of roundabout, but: I'm scared of spiders. Always have been. I'm such a giant baby about them, in fact, that if my 5-year-old is around, I'll ask him to take it outside (and he does). But my 3-year-old, on the other hand, is at least as afraid as I am. When it's just the two of us, I suddenly stop being so terrified. I just ... do it; I trap the spider in a cup or whatever and take it out.
All this is to say that sometimes, you get stronger by seeing yourself as the protector of someone weaker than yourself. In your case, it's your children. Stand between them and the heartache you're feeling -- in the immediate sense, this means shielding them from what's going on, just in case you and your wife patch it up, so they'll never have to know; and at some point this might change to putting them first in the event of a separation. I don't mean "put them first" like, reluctantly put aside your own desires for theirs. I mean, see yourself as the force that will keep them whole and sound. You will be strong as long as you're being strong for them.
You say yourself that you feel your best when you're with them. So make them your conscious mission; focus on making them feel loved and secure.
posted by palliser at 6:41 PM on May 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
But also mad at her - I can't shake the feeling that what she's doing is incredibly egoist - and that she's doesn't seem to realize how cruel some of her behavior is. I'm also feeling that I'm starting to read a lot of our past relationship as me being taken advantage of - though I didn't feel like it at the time, and would really like to keep the good memories good instead of destroying them.
You have anger. And you're allowed to feel it. You may only now be noticing this anger, but it's there. Acknowledge it, bring it to therapy. Since you're seeing the past differently, it may well be that you were angry back then, too, but suppressed it.
What should I do to understand what to do: she tells me "it's not your fault, I have nothing fault you with, it's just that I changed". I don't believe that.
A common thing that pops up in AskMe questions about relationships is "believe what people tell you about themselves." What she's saying is hard to say. She hasn't much reason to lie. Things are bad, and if she wanted to find fault with you, she'd probably be doing that. What she's telling you is likely very true - she's grown and she's changed, in ways that she's noticing work against your relationship and make it hard for her to be together with you. You might be able to fix this, you might not, but you will not even be able to take a step forward if you don't listen to and accept what she's telling you about her feelings. They're real.
posted by Miko at 7:05 PM on May 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
You have anger. And you're allowed to feel it. You may only now be noticing this anger, but it's there. Acknowledge it, bring it to therapy. Since you're seeing the past differently, it may well be that you were angry back then, too, but suppressed it.
What should I do to understand what to do: she tells me "it's not your fault, I have nothing fault you with, it's just that I changed". I don't believe that.
A common thing that pops up in AskMe questions about relationships is "believe what people tell you about themselves." What she's saying is hard to say. She hasn't much reason to lie. Things are bad, and if she wanted to find fault with you, she'd probably be doing that. What she's telling you is likely very true - she's grown and she's changed, in ways that she's noticing work against your relationship and make it hard for her to be together with you. You might be able to fix this, you might not, but you will not even be able to take a step forward if you don't listen to and accept what she's telling you about her feelings. They're real.
posted by Miko at 7:05 PM on May 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Speaking as both a child of divorce myself and as someone upon whom karma saw fit to bestow to bestow a divorced partner so I could learn it from the other side, I think the number one thing I would like to ask you to do is please get over the idea that staying together would automatically grant your kids a happy, special life. I know people (my half sister among them) who grew up with happy, intact families and who have problems; I know people who grew up in divorced families who are strong and capable and well-adjusted. Most people, intact families or not, are a mix. There is no guilt you owe your kids for your marriage not working. Staying together does not guarantee them a better life then what they'll have if you separate. Divorcing does not guarantee them a worse life. It's how you choose to treat them as a dad that matters, and that has nothing to do with who lives where.
posted by JoannaC at 7:38 PM on May 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by JoannaC at 7:38 PM on May 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
she says that me asking her to be more involved in domestic life (she's in academia. she works a lot. all the time. I asked her to not look at e-mail for 2 hours per day before the kids went to sleep) made her realize that, actually, she wasn't interested in me anymore.
For the record, whether you stay together or divorce, her interest or lack thereof in you has fuck-all to do with her responsibility to shoulder co-parenting duty equitably with you or with her children's need to spend priority time with their mother. "I never loved you and I want a divorce" != "I don't have to pay attention to this family anymore."
And for custody purposes, absolutely document that you've been your children's primary caregiver for (however long).
posted by nicebookrack at 8:48 PM on May 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
For the record, whether you stay together or divorce, her interest or lack thereof in you has fuck-all to do with her responsibility to shoulder co-parenting duty equitably with you or with her children's need to spend priority time with their mother. "I never loved you and I want a divorce" != "I don't have to pay attention to this family anymore."
And for custody purposes, absolutely document that you've been your children's primary caregiver for (however long).
posted by nicebookrack at 8:48 PM on May 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
My heart goes out to you because this is an excruciatingly difficult situation, and I can only begin to fathom the heartbreak (not to mention the anger, disbelief, and betrayal) you must be feeling. My first thought is that you need to get your own therapist. Don't stop seeing the couples therapist because no matter what happens you will still need to co-parent, but I think you need a person of your own who you can be 100% on your side and isn't trying to manage the expectations and needs of two people at the same time. If you go this route, and I sincerely hope you do, sign a medical release so the two therapists can chat and exchange information. That way, your care will be coordinated, but you will have a place and a person all your own. Also, in the event custody issues come into play, you want someone who can advocate for you and that you trust has solely your best interest at heart, even if you do not always like what this person has to say.
To be honest, and IANAD obviously and the way I'm reading this could be colored by your own hurt feelings, but your wife comes across as somewhat cold and narcissistic. I am not saying she is a narcissist in the clinical sense, but it doesn't sound like she is factoring in anyone else's needs as much as she is focusing on her own. I agree that you should listen and believe what she is telling you (i.e. it's not your fault & you can't do anything to change this), but saying she never loved you at all seems a bit extreme since you built an entire life together complete with kids that you parent well as a team. My guess is that she is articulating her feelings in extreme terms because she does not want to give you false hope and has already decided the final outcome, which is a warped form of kindness, but on the receiving end comes across as incredibly hurtful and cruel.
Your whole life up until this point has not been a lie. Unless she is some sort of sociopath (not in the clinical sense, but you get my meaning), there have been genuine moments and feelings between the two of you. Someday, you will be able to look upon them with appreciation, wistfulness, and perhaps even a subdued sort of joy, but that will take time. Just tuck it away in the corner of your mind that even if she is wanting to end this relationship, move on, and no longer feels romantic love for you, she most likely loves you as one loves a dear friend and the father of her children. Right now, the stakes are incredibly high, tension is elevated, and everyone's emotions are magnified 1,000 times. You will get through this, but to do so you need a strong support system, one that functions primarily on positive reinforcement, encouragement, and practical solutions. Best of luck to you & your family.
posted by katemcd at 10:28 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
To be honest, and IANAD obviously and the way I'm reading this could be colored by your own hurt feelings, but your wife comes across as somewhat cold and narcissistic. I am not saying she is a narcissist in the clinical sense, but it doesn't sound like she is factoring in anyone else's needs as much as she is focusing on her own. I agree that you should listen and believe what she is telling you (i.e. it's not your fault & you can't do anything to change this), but saying she never loved you at all seems a bit extreme since you built an entire life together complete with kids that you parent well as a team. My guess is that she is articulating her feelings in extreme terms because she does not want to give you false hope and has already decided the final outcome, which is a warped form of kindness, but on the receiving end comes across as incredibly hurtful and cruel.
Your whole life up until this point has not been a lie. Unless she is some sort of sociopath (not in the clinical sense, but you get my meaning), there have been genuine moments and feelings between the two of you. Someday, you will be able to look upon them with appreciation, wistfulness, and perhaps even a subdued sort of joy, but that will take time. Just tuck it away in the corner of your mind that even if she is wanting to end this relationship, move on, and no longer feels romantic love for you, she most likely loves you as one loves a dear friend and the father of her children. Right now, the stakes are incredibly high, tension is elevated, and everyone's emotions are magnified 1,000 times. You will get through this, but to do so you need a strong support system, one that functions primarily on positive reinforcement, encouragement, and practical solutions. Best of luck to you & your family.
posted by katemcd at 10:28 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Seconding: accept your anger, while understanding that it is there to help protect you, not change what she's reporting about herself. Those are very hard things for her to be saying as well, selfish though they sound. Would you have wanted her to pretend feelings she no longer felt?
Act slowly, deliberately, and minimally. When the urge comes to lash out, make space, cool down, write what you feel and what your anger needs to feel satisfied. Then wait. Wait till the feeling passes. It will. Then present only the cooled down, clinical version. You will regret acting with the full force of such pain.
Talk to friends and family. You do not need to face things like this alone.
Focus on the positive results that you can achieve, even if this relationship does end: healthy children, parents on decent if distant terms, future happy relationships for you both, long life, other interests and friends. Visualize these positives and believe in them. Life will go on in any case; try to proceed through this temporary pain as though you intend to make it that: temporary.
posted by ead at 11:53 PM on May 21, 2012
Act slowly, deliberately, and minimally. When the urge comes to lash out, make space, cool down, write what you feel and what your anger needs to feel satisfied. Then wait. Wait till the feeling passes. It will. Then present only the cooled down, clinical version. You will regret acting with the full force of such pain.
Talk to friends and family. You do not need to face things like this alone.
Focus on the positive results that you can achieve, even if this relationship does end: healthy children, parents on decent if distant terms, future happy relationships for you both, long life, other interests and friends. Visualize these positives and believe in them. Life will go on in any case; try to proceed through this temporary pain as though you intend to make it that: temporary.
posted by ead at 11:53 PM on May 21, 2012
she has realized that she doesn't love me anymore - and she suspects it never has been the case. She came to this realization after falling in love with someone else a couple of years ago
Don't beat yourself up with the "she never loved me, it's all been a lie" thing. You need to realise that there is an overwhelming chance she is heavily engaged in revisionist history here. By convincing yourself she never loved you, she makes it a lot easier to foster distance between you now. She's basically making an excuse for not loving you now. It's weak and lame and frankly, selfish.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:55 AM on May 22, 2012 [9 favorites]
Don't beat yourself up with the "she never loved me, it's all been a lie" thing. You need to realise that there is an overwhelming chance she is heavily engaged in revisionist history here. By convincing yourself she never loved you, she makes it a lot easier to foster distance between you now. She's basically making an excuse for not loving you now. It's weak and lame and frankly, selfish.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:55 AM on May 22, 2012 [9 favorites]
I am not saying she is a narcissist in the clinical sense, but it doesn't sound like she is factoring in anyone else's needs as much as she is focusing on her own.
And I think this sometimes makes sense during a life change, especially if you have been "pretending" or focusing on others' needs much more than your own, suppressing your own dreams, desires, tastes, and hopes in order to fit into the structure you may have too quickly built around yourself. That doesn't make it pleasant, but focusing on your own needs is not an evil and terrible thing. It's a necessity to live a full life. I've seen this many times when a woman has not listened to herself since adolescence and suddenly finds that new enterprises and activities and job experiences and the like are opening up parts of her mind and spirit that have been stuffed down for a long time. Once you open the door, it can be overwhelming to realize how much you haven't listened to yourself and to go a bit extremely in the opposite direction while you teach yourself what it's like to consider yourself as important as you've been considering everybody else for so long.
posted by Miko at 6:29 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
And I think this sometimes makes sense during a life change, especially if you have been "pretending" or focusing on others' needs much more than your own, suppressing your own dreams, desires, tastes, and hopes in order to fit into the structure you may have too quickly built around yourself. That doesn't make it pleasant, but focusing on your own needs is not an evil and terrible thing. It's a necessity to live a full life. I've seen this many times when a woman has not listened to herself since adolescence and suddenly finds that new enterprises and activities and job experiences and the like are opening up parts of her mind and spirit that have been stuffed down for a long time. Once you open the door, it can be overwhelming to realize how much you haven't listened to yourself and to go a bit extremely in the opposite direction while you teach yourself what it's like to consider yourself as important as you've been considering everybody else for so long.
posted by Miko at 6:29 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Good advice above.
Here's a little more: Start working out. Start lifting weights. I started after my divorce went through and it was extremely beneficial in a number of ways.
a) It was 'me' time that could not be interrupted. A little get away in the middle of everything going on.
b) The sheer weight of what I was lifting required my full attention and got my mind off 'life'. It was 30-60 minutes of clear, level-headed thought.
c) The physical improvements helped my self-confidence and taught me a lot of lessons along the way.
posted by unixrat at 6:30 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Here's a little more: Start working out. Start lifting weights. I started after my divorce went through and it was extremely beneficial in a number of ways.
a) It was 'me' time that could not be interrupted. A little get away in the middle of everything going on.
b) The sheer weight of what I was lifting required my full attention and got my mind off 'life'. It was 30-60 minutes of clear, level-headed thought.
c) The physical improvements helped my self-confidence and taught me a lot of lessons along the way.
posted by unixrat at 6:30 AM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Watch her carefully during the couples counseling. I'm terribly cynical about the whole "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" bit. Usually, the whole "I'm not in love with you anymore" bit comes because they now have someone on the side. I truly hope your situation is different.
I'll try to answer your questions:
What can I do to regain strength ?
I always recommend physical activity as was suggested previously. Good for the body and mind. It will help you work out any residual anger you might have in a healthy way.
Also, recommend confiding in someone. A therapist. A trusted friend. That will help initially. If you follow through on a divorce, I would say a therapist or support group is as important as a lawyer.
How do I regain calm ?
You have every right to be angry. Stuffing your emotions in a basket to make this easier on others only hurts you. Just focus your anger in a way that is productive. Don't ever take it out on the kids.
Don't worry about what your memories look like right now. Your wife is re-writing history right now. No need for you to do the same. Stay in the moment as best as you can until you are in a better position, emotionally, to reflect on the past.
If we separate, how do I come to terms with the idea of sharing the kids ?
Probably the toughest one. All you can do/control is to be there and be present for them when you have them.
Sorry you're going through this....
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:53 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'll try to answer your questions:
What can I do to regain strength ?
I always recommend physical activity as was suggested previously. Good for the body and mind. It will help you work out any residual anger you might have in a healthy way.
Also, recommend confiding in someone. A therapist. A trusted friend. That will help initially. If you follow through on a divorce, I would say a therapist or support group is as important as a lawyer.
How do I regain calm ?
You have every right to be angry. Stuffing your emotions in a basket to make this easier on others only hurts you. Just focus your anger in a way that is productive. Don't ever take it out on the kids.
Don't worry about what your memories look like right now. Your wife is re-writing history right now. No need for you to do the same. Stay in the moment as best as you can until you are in a better position, emotionally, to reflect on the past.
If we separate, how do I come to terms with the idea of sharing the kids ?
Probably the toughest one. All you can do/control is to be there and be present for them when you have them.
Sorry you're going through this....
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:53 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Denying your anger is just going to build the pressure. I would encourage you to find a safe place to vent. I think you have every right to be angry and hurt and confused and whatever other emotions you are feeling; expressing those emotions in a safe arena will help you keep your calm overall.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds really tough.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:13 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I am sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds really tough.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:13 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'll focus on an important observation. You say you don't believe her. You really should believe her when she says she doesn't love you, but instead of believing the convenient-for-her explanation that she "never loved you" (baloney, memories of emotions are the easiest thing in the world to back-rationalize or modify), you should mentally rephrase it as "I'm not in love with you I do not believe I can fall in love with you (again), nor am I interested in trying."
It is still hurtful, but it doesn't require that you review and re-interpret your life together with her (sad/convenient) gloss. She's telling you the truth as she sees it. That's respect, of a sort.
For my part, when I didn't believe my wife in the exact same situtation, I tried hard to make it work. I pulled out the stops, we went to therapy together, I changed every part of me that could be changed. I tried every damn thing I could think of and it didn't work. Know why? Because it was her, not me, and she wasn't into it. Period. I was so relieved when I realized that simple truth.
What can you do to regain strength? Believe her, and accept that you aren't to blame, she's broken, not you. Dump her sooner rather than later and go on dates, get laid, prove to yourself that you are a strong, attractive person, who many people would be interested in getting to know.
How can you remain calm? I'd ask instead, "why bother?" Be angry if it pleases you, in a non-violent way. Use that anger to dump her, and absolutely do not be "that guy" who gives his ex all the money because he feels that he failed her by ... ahh what again ... not being loved by her?
Yeah, get mad, dump her and get your mojo back. She's a dead-end street and you owe her nothing. She's told you exactly that. In fact, from your description, she wants you to dump her, she'll be relieved not to have to go to therapy about something she believes will not change.
How do you come to terms with sharing the kids? By realizing it is going to happen. By working out a situation which is best for all. With much work, I have a wonderful 50% custody with my kids. My ex and I communicate when we need to, we're even almost friends. After years now, we even share highlights of our lives. Having a respectful relationship with your ex is possible, and helps everyone. You just have to be strong and demand your rights.
posted by Invoke at 1:05 PM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
It is still hurtful, but it doesn't require that you review and re-interpret your life together with her (sad/convenient) gloss. She's telling you the truth as she sees it. That's respect, of a sort.
For my part, when I didn't believe my wife in the exact same situtation, I tried hard to make it work. I pulled out the stops, we went to therapy together, I changed every part of me that could be changed. I tried every damn thing I could think of and it didn't work. Know why? Because it was her, not me, and she wasn't into it. Period. I was so relieved when I realized that simple truth.
What can you do to regain strength? Believe her, and accept that you aren't to blame, she's broken, not you. Dump her sooner rather than later and go on dates, get laid, prove to yourself that you are a strong, attractive person, who many people would be interested in getting to know.
How can you remain calm? I'd ask instead, "why bother?" Be angry if it pleases you, in a non-violent way. Use that anger to dump her, and absolutely do not be "that guy" who gives his ex all the money because he feels that he failed her by ... ahh what again ... not being loved by her?
Yeah, get mad, dump her and get your mojo back. She's a dead-end street and you owe her nothing. She's told you exactly that. In fact, from your description, she wants you to dump her, she'll be relieved not to have to go to therapy about something she believes will not change.
How do you come to terms with sharing the kids? By realizing it is going to happen. By working out a situation which is best for all. With much work, I have a wonderful 50% custody with my kids. My ex and I communicate when we need to, we're even almost friends. After years now, we even share highlights of our lives. Having a respectful relationship with your ex is possible, and helps everyone. You just have to be strong and demand your rights.
posted by Invoke at 1:05 PM on May 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
I separated about a year ago with kids the same age as yours, in not too dissimilar a circumstance after 12 years of marriage. All I can say is in the end you can't make someone love you, or want to be with you, and it's soul destroying to beat yourself up about it. You have to listen to her when she says she doesn't love you anymore, and as hard as it is you have to respect that, and know that you deserve to be with someone who does love you. My ex and I went to therapy for 6 months and it got us nowhere apart from really making me realise that I couldn't change him and I had to respect that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, for really no good viable reason as far as I could see, but it takes 2 to make a marriage work, and he didn't want to do it.
I won't lie and say the last 12 months have been easy, but it hasn't been as difficult as I expected it to be, and in fact I feel much better about myself now than I did in the last few years of my relationship. I'm still quite annoyed at my ex in that I think he behaved in narcissistic and selfish ways that really created the breakdown, but in the end that's out of my control, and in many ways that's who he is, and having children really exacerbated those qualities in him.
I've sought some therapy for myself which has been useful for me, as getting used to being alone has been hard, and I've had to rediscover 'me' as a person outside of a wife or mother role. And I must admit that I am still a bit lost when I don't have my children (as I had never spent a night away from them before), but have started exercising more, and building up my network of friends, and I always make sure I plan ahead and fill in a fair bit of my time when I don't have the children, so I don't have too long to wallow, and I know it's important that they spend time with their father, and I want that relationship to be great.
But 1 year on, I'm happy, my ex is happy, we have a great relationship as friends, we co-parent well, and the kids are thriving. So just hang in there, don't think too far ahead at this point, just take each day or week as it comes and love those kids with all your heart and let any anger at her dissipate, life's too short, and you never know what's around the corner.
posted by merch sengl at 4:47 PM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
I won't lie and say the last 12 months have been easy, but it hasn't been as difficult as I expected it to be, and in fact I feel much better about myself now than I did in the last few years of my relationship. I'm still quite annoyed at my ex in that I think he behaved in narcissistic and selfish ways that really created the breakdown, but in the end that's out of my control, and in many ways that's who he is, and having children really exacerbated those qualities in him.
I've sought some therapy for myself which has been useful for me, as getting used to being alone has been hard, and I've had to rediscover 'me' as a person outside of a wife or mother role. And I must admit that I am still a bit lost when I don't have my children (as I had never spent a night away from them before), but have started exercising more, and building up my network of friends, and I always make sure I plan ahead and fill in a fair bit of my time when I don't have the children, so I don't have too long to wallow, and I know it's important that they spend time with their father, and I want that relationship to be great.
But 1 year on, I'm happy, my ex is happy, we have a great relationship as friends, we co-parent well, and the kids are thriving. So just hang in there, don't think too far ahead at this point, just take each day or week as it comes and love those kids with all your heart and let any anger at her dissipate, life's too short, and you never know what's around the corner.
posted by merch sengl at 4:47 PM on May 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Well – I can’t tell you yet that it “gets better” – because I don’t know yet – I am just heading down this path myself.
It could be worse… You could let the alienation and drifting-apart occur over a decade and allow your children to watch as mom and dad turn from love, to friendship to indifference to hate…
… 17 years of marriage here, two kids – 13 and 9. My wife decided that we were somehow “officially” separated in February and began dating…
… we still live together …
… two weeks ago I was hit with “Bells Palsy” due to stress… (thankfully it appears to be recovering fully)
… she plans on moving thousands of miles away to be with her new “friend” (across an international border no less), leaving the children with me (which is fine – she has been withdrawn and alienating them for more than 8 months now) – while I get to pay to support her vacation/mid-life-crisis…
(If you live in a location with strong alimony laws – document, document, document – honestly IMO the “I no longer care for you” attitude generally means: “I have found someone else to care for”…)
Do not give-up the fight (if it comes to that) with respect to joint-custody, shared-parenting – she may push for it – or not. In our case, my wife has a difficult time dealing with the kids – because they are sooo much like me. (little geeks, ADHD, etc.)
You have done the correct first step... seek help …
The next part may be hard for you, but... I find it works for me... I am completely open with my friends, business associates and colleagues (and complete anonymous internet strangers)… I live my life “out-loud” – it is liberating!
Good luck - but remember this above all ... You are not alone.
posted by jkaczor at 7:13 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
It could be worse… You could let the alienation and drifting-apart occur over a decade and allow your children to watch as mom and dad turn from love, to friendship to indifference to hate…
… 17 years of marriage here, two kids – 13 and 9. My wife decided that we were somehow “officially” separated in February and began dating…
… we still live together …
… two weeks ago I was hit with “Bells Palsy” due to stress… (thankfully it appears to be recovering fully)
… she plans on moving thousands of miles away to be with her new “friend” (across an international border no less), leaving the children with me (which is fine – she has been withdrawn and alienating them for more than 8 months now) – while I get to pay to support her vacation/mid-life-crisis…
(If you live in a location with strong alimony laws – document, document, document – honestly IMO the “I no longer care for you” attitude generally means: “I have found someone else to care for”…)
Do not give-up the fight (if it comes to that) with respect to joint-custody, shared-parenting – she may push for it – or not. In our case, my wife has a difficult time dealing with the kids – because they are sooo much like me. (little geeks, ADHD, etc.)
You have done the correct first step... seek help …
The next part may be hard for you, but... I find it works for me... I am completely open with my friends, business associates and colleagues (and complete anonymous internet strangers)… I live my life “out-loud” – it is liberating!
Good luck - but remember this above all ... You are not alone.
posted by jkaczor at 7:13 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In short, there are SO many things you can do. Life, for me, is so much better than it was 4 years ago, when I was first trying to wrap my head around it. You can do this.
posted by Richat at 6:12 PM on May 21, 2012 [9 favorites]