How do I handle my mother's crush on my boyfriend's (much younger) brother?
May 17, 2012 5:45 AM Subscribe
My mother, who has borderline personality disorder, has thrown a tremendous wrench into my relationship. I am so overwhelmed by this right now. Help?
I'm 25 and my mom is in her mid-fifties. She has (undiagnosed) borderline personality disorder. I have been dating a man for five months now and things are fantastic; definitely the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I can see this being very long-term.
Recently, my mom met my boyfriend's family: his mother, father, and brother, who is in his early thirties. We went to two family events with them in the span of a few days. Before the second event, my mother called me to tell me that she was romantically interested in my boyfriend's brother. She has done next to no dating for ten years and has never dated someone more than a few years younger than her.
Mom is overwhelmed and upset. She hasn't had a crush in ages and is doing all of the typical stuff - she sent him an e-mail and he hasn't responded, so she was crying; she asks me if I think he's interested. She seems to be very interested in actually pursuing this, as long as she gets interest from my boyfriend's brother. The brother is very charismatic and engaging, so I could see where my mom might think he is romantically interested. But given when (fairly little) I know about him, I doubt that he wants to take things any further.
For my part, I can absolutely not talk to her about this. This is so ridiculously weird. More to the point, I now have a pretty major secret that I'm keeping from my boyfriend and I feel awful about it. I know that if he found out about this, it would very much change the dynamic of our relationship and certainly the awesome dynamic that I have with his brother and his family.
I've suggested to my mom that at the very least she speak to someone other than me about this. I have no clue what to do or where to turn. I feel like once again my BPD mother has overstepped boundaries in my life and turned something really positive for me into something upsetting and overwhelming. Please tell me how to handle this.
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