Relationship Radio Silence
May 11, 2012 12:10 PM Subscribe
Am I over-reacting? A 4-month relationship followed by 10 days of radio silence. Of course snowflake, etc.
I'm in an open marriage, and so is my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for 4 months and have declared love. We email every day and see each other 4x/week. He had told me in the lead up to a vacation he was taking with his wife that he would miss me terribly and would text and email.
Two weeks ago we had a misunderstanding about his vacation in which he felt I was "inserting myself into his marriage"--I wasn't, AT ALL. The idea of that creeps me out kind of a lot. We talked through that and he understood that that was not my intention.
The day before he left for vacation, he emailed and said I should feel free to email him while he was on vacation. I wrote back and said in light of the misunderstanding, I didn't really feel free to do that at all, and most likely wouldn't. He left and I haven't heard from him in 9 days. Am I wrong to be upset about not hearing from him? I mean, I know my feelings are my feelings and I'm entitled to them etc, but is it rude to not have contacted me, or should I maybe have expected as much when I said I didn't feel comfortable writing to him?
I'm in an open marriage, and so is my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for 4 months and have declared love. We email every day and see each other 4x/week. He had told me in the lead up to a vacation he was taking with his wife that he would miss me terribly and would text and email.
Two weeks ago we had a misunderstanding about his vacation in which he felt I was "inserting myself into his marriage"--I wasn't, AT ALL. The idea of that creeps me out kind of a lot. We talked through that and he understood that that was not my intention.
The day before he left for vacation, he emailed and said I should feel free to email him while he was on vacation. I wrote back and said in light of the misunderstanding, I didn't really feel free to do that at all, and most likely wouldn't. He left and I haven't heard from him in 9 days. Am I wrong to be upset about not hearing from him? I mean, I know my feelings are my feelings and I'm entitled to them etc, but is it rude to not have contacted me, or should I maybe have expected as much when I said I didn't feel comfortable writing to him?
Wait so he said you should email him, you told him you wouldn't, and he hasn't emailed you? It sounds like he's trying to give you the distance that you essentially asked for!
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:14 PM on May 11, 2012 [48 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:14 PM on May 11, 2012 [48 favorites]
You said that you didn't want to contact him. If someone said they didn't want to contact me for the duration of a vacation, I daresay I wouldn't contact them either.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:20 PM on May 11, 2012 [9 favorites]
Considering what happened/what you said before he left, he probably thinks that initiating contact will re-light whatever misunderstanding is going on here, and who would want to do that while on vacation, and especially over email?
posted by griphus at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by griphus at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
if you expect him to email you after you said you wouldn't email him because it makes you uncomfortable, you're being kind of passive aggressive and expecting him to be a mind reader. i think he's doing what you asked him to do. i also think it's ok if after a tiff involving boundaries he maintains radio silence while on vacation with his wife.
once he's back in town, sit down with each other in person and say what you really feel and ask him what he really feels. this isn't the sort of thing that is likely to be fixed over email or texts.
posted by nadawi at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
once he's back in town, sit down with each other in person and say what you really feel and ask him what he really feels. this isn't the sort of thing that is likely to be fixed over email or texts.
posted by nadawi at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
is it rude to not have contacted me
Not under the circumstances.
should I maybe have expected as much when I said I didn't feel comfortable writing to him?
Absolutely.
You didn't just say you didn't feel comfortable writing. You also said you most likely wouldn't. That's a pretty clear statement. Unless you also said to him, "I'm not going to contact you, but you should contact me," you're expecting him to not only read your mind but to do more or less the opposite of what your stated expectations would indicate.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:26 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not under the circumstances.
should I maybe have expected as much when I said I didn't feel comfortable writing to him?
Absolutely.
You didn't just say you didn't feel comfortable writing. You also said you most likely wouldn't. That's a pretty clear statement. Unless you also said to him, "I'm not going to contact you, but you should contact me," you're expecting him to not only read your mind but to do more or less the opposite of what your stated expectations would indicate.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:26 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh, one other question - has he been on vacation all nine days? In other words, how long was/is the vacation?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:30 PM on May 11, 2012
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:30 PM on May 11, 2012
should I maybe have expected as much when I said I didn't feel comfortable writing to him?
Yes.
posted by jph at 12:35 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yes.
posted by jph at 12:35 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I last heard from him a week ago Wednesday; he left last Thursday, and returns tomorrow (Sat).
Thanks to everyone so far-- I enormously appreciate the perspective. And I'm kind of happy to be wrong.
posted by Failure31 at 12:35 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Thanks to everyone so far-- I enormously appreciate the perspective. And I'm kind of happy to be wrong.
posted by Failure31 at 12:35 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
give him until monday and then you ask him out. you were the last one to close off conversation so it's your job to open it.
posted by nadawi at 12:48 PM on May 11, 2012
posted by nadawi at 12:48 PM on May 11, 2012
For context: what was the misunderstanding about the vacation? Why did he feel you were inserting yourself in their marriage?
posted by corb at 1:22 PM on May 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by corb at 1:22 PM on May 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by modernnomad at 12:12 PM on May 11, 2012 [4 favorites]