Is depression contagious?

July 20, 2005 5:27 PM

My partner shows all the classic signs of depression, yet vehemenently declares that they are not depressed.

It's wearing me out, and I think it is infectious. Spouse scored off the charts on an optimism/pessimism test. Can you point me to resources that address how to protect myself from any more life-draining behavior, and how to get help for my spouse? My partner went to see a therapist once and was given a copy of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People." And we are trying to read "Learned Optimism" together.

I feel like nothing I do can make them happy, and now a lot of resentment is building. Thanks for links to any useful books or resources.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

I think the person needs to try another therapist. That one sounds especially terrible.

S/he should also see a medical doctor to rule out physical causes.

Finally, I'll share that I was plagued by periodic depression from the age of 20 to about 28, on and off. I would just suck each episode up until it wore off. Finally, I saw a good counselor, who wanted to put me on meds. I was reluctant. She then said "There's only one thing with a better track record at relieving chronic depression than medication, and that's exercise." Much research supports this. That's when I started running. A few years later, I'm a triathlete, and I'm so happy all the time it's like it's riduclous. But apparently, this is how normal feels - I just never knew.

Finally, consider getting some counseling for yourself. Depressed people do have a way of draining everyone around them, because they feel helpless and tend to expect external solutions. You actually aren't responsible for the other person's emotional well-being, and you don't need to solve this for them. You can be supportive by saying "Try these five strategies you haven't tried -- you don't have to feel like this and these may be solutions." But you don't have to be creating a curriculum for them. You are bordering on codependency, and I can tell you that's no fun.
posted by Miko at 5:50 PM on July 20, 2005 [1 favorite]

What Miko said, especially about exercise. Also, this article provides some detail.
posted by voltairemodern at 5:57 PM on July 20, 2005

Denial is sometimes part of depression. I've dealt on and off with depression, but for several years, I was very unwilling to admit that it was my problem. I blamed bad luck, various external circumstances, other people, etc. Some of it was true, sure, but most of it was me latching on to easier explanations for my problems. Depression's often something people struggle with for a lifetime, and it's not easy facing up to the fact that being happy will probably never be simple. Furthermore, depression often involves lassitude and hopelessness about fixing things. It's quite possible that your partner figures therapy, etc. will have no effect, so why bother?

A new therapist sounds like a must. I'm not talking about someone s/he goes to see 'once', either - I'm talking someone your partner goes to every week or two, trying to work out things that trigger/exacerbate depression, possibly trying medication, things like that. A single visit to a therapist won't make a difference, and a single visit will probably not even be enough to figure out whether a given therapist is the right one. You might want to consider one for yourself. As Miko says, depressed people tend to drain other people. It's not on purpose, and they're often aware of it [and unhappy about it], but it's hard for them to halt the behaviours and attitudes that are weighing on you, even if they do care. You may find the support of a caring therapist to be invaluable.

It might be hard to get your partner to commit to going to therapy or trying medication if s/he's in denial about having a problem. You may want to emphasize the strain that his/her attitudes and actions are putting on your relationship. At worst, trying therapy for a month or two will waste some money and time. At best, it could really change things and make your relationship happy and less strained. If s/he cares, I would hope that they'd be willing to try some amount of therapy for your sake, even if they have doubts about it.
posted by ubersturm at 6:20 PM on July 20, 2005

i don't know if this helps, because it's not really depression, but i am vaguely cyclic, or something, and, in my bleaker times, not that much fun to live with. i'm aware of this, and know my partner doesn't always find it easy. i really don't want to take medication for various (no doubt selfish) reasons, but if my partner were to say to me "look, this is too hard for me, you're pushing too much, i'm completely fed up, things are falling apart" etc then i would certainly take notice, and do something. i am aware how hard it can be, and would take such a warning as something offered to help save the relationship.

i don't know, but maybe your partner feels the same. have you said how you feel, or are you holding it in because you don't want to make things worse? in my case, i think it would be better to say something.
posted by andrew cooke at 7:11 PM on July 20, 2005

Yeah - that therapist sounds rubbish! You've got to find a good one, which unfortunately ain't so easy - it's a black art of internet research, word of mouth, and pot luck. Also, you have to go for a reasonable amount of time to benefit from the relationship - people who berate therapy after one session are equivalent to those who abandon a jigsaw after one piece.
posted by forallmankind at 7:23 PM on July 20, 2005

Maybe you can suggest seeing a therapist together. Maybe you can simply insist that they see one. I put off going for years before my gf simply insisted. I'm much better now.

I've recommended it 100 times, but Feeling Good, by David Burns, is far and away the most helpful book I ever read on depression. I can't recommend it strongly enough. You must do the exercises on paper for it to work, though (IMO.)

If they continue to refuse to address the problem, perhaps you can go to a therapist yourself just to get ideas on how to deal with this very frustrating situation. (My tips: it's not your fault; you can't fix it; maintain your own health, activity, and social levels even if they don't join you; be sympathetic and understanding, but don't just sit around and comfort them while they wallow.)
posted by callmejay at 8:58 PM on July 20, 2005

Callmejay makes a great point about not joining the wallowing. In fact, if you pull yourself back from the situation a little rather than be in there trying to solve it, you may find, paradoxically, that the depressed person is thrown upon their own resources and will decide to get it solved.

In fact, it wasn't until some of the people closest to me said, in effect, "I've done all I can do to support you - now you need to help yourself" that my self-preservation instinct kicked in. Until then I didn't realize that no one else could fix this.
posted by Miko at 5:59 AM on July 21, 2005

N+1 on Feeling Good. Have yet to recommend it to someone having difficulties with life and not have them come back with more perspective on what they can and cannot do about it.
posted by softlord at 6:02 AM on July 21, 2005

I can emphasize with you and completely understand about needing support for yourself while your partner is depressed. I've struggled with chronic depression for years...it runs rampant in my family. So I have been in the shoes of the depressed person AND supporting the person who is depressed. Supporting someone who is depressed can be a lot of work.

Denial can be a part of experiencing depression and sometimes a lack of self-awareness when you are in "that place" can contribute as well. Depression (for me) is not the experience of feeling sad. It is the absence of feeling, an "emotional amnesia" of sorts. This leads to emptiness, hopelessness and detachment as well as a lot of self-doubt. I can't remember what is what like to feel better when I am experiencing a downswing. Luckily, I've built a great support system over the years and am pretty high functioning.

Don't be afraid to ask for support for yourself during this time. A depressed partner can affect you (although depression is contagious in the tradiational sense :) There are a few books out there directed to family members and friends of those with depression.

When Someone You Love is Depressed.
What To Do When Someone You Love is Depressed.
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed.

Scan these before you purchase them because they approach the issue a little differently. And my favorite book to give to others who want to understand my depression is Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface. It is amazingly well-written by a psychologist who experiences depression herself...a quick and witty read that goes beyond the technical jargon and into the mind of someone experiencing depression/treatment.
posted by jeanmari at 7:27 AM on July 21, 2005

That should be "depression is NOT contagious in the traditional sense." Many apologies for the error.
posted by jeanmari at 7:28 AM on July 21, 2005

It's completely appropriate to have a conversation about the depression in the context of your relationship. It sounds like your partner is either in denial, or actually does not yet feel in distress about his depression. In such a case there's no reason for him to just decide to go to therapy. But, a conversation in which you explain how you feel his mood is affecting your relationship puts things in a different light. If he is not in distress about his own mood he may well be in distress about yours. Couples counseling might be an option. Individual therapy mandated by the need to take the relationship seriously is also an option.
posted by OmieWise at 9:01 AM on July 21, 2005

I've got a lot of good things to say about the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. They present a lot of helpful facts based on research, and do advocacy as well.

They also have support groups, including, in some areas, support groups for family members of a depressed person. If there is such a group in your area, you may want to check it out. In at least one instance I know of, a family member who went to one of these found it quite helpful. It can be quite difficult to know how to respond when a person you love is in the grips of a depression.
posted by jasper411 at 9:59 AM on July 21, 2005

I'll sing the praises of Feeling Good as well. I've also found The Depression Workbook by Mary Ellen Copeland to be a valuable resource.
posted by the_bone at 11:55 AM on July 21, 2005

Speaking as someone who has had depression in the past, there can be different types of negativity, and your partner might not be suffering what they call depression although they are down.

There is the feeling that nothing can go right, that you're worthless blah blah and I would call that depression, but you can be down about your situation which is more complicated as some people really don't belong in some situations.

Hope you get it sorted out.
posted by lunkfish at 1:12 PM on July 21, 2005

I think you are contributing to the strain on your relationship by predicating your own happiness on the happiness of your partner. Your anger at being denied this happiness and your resentment of them for making you feel like a failure is probably making things much worse. Realize that the best thing you can do "to help" is to be a healthy person in your own right and to not add guilt on top of whatever else your partner is already suffering.
posted by macinchik at 2:43 PM on July 21, 2005