How honest should I be with a distant friend?
May 5, 2012 11:18 AM Subscribe
I went from being very good friends with someone to having them kind of shut me out very suddenly, maybe not on purpose. I'm thinking about writing them a letter about this, but it feels kind of self serving. Does this sort of thing ever make sense? Lots of special snowflake inside.
Back in October I was working on Staff at a conference and met a woman who really knocked me off my feet. I am absolutely not a love at first sight kind of person, but this was Best Friends at first sight. She literally walked in the room, came over to me and we hit it off immediately. A few days later, I was house sitting for her, practically a total stranger. It was the kind of thing where if we were at a party, people would ask how long we'd been dating.
I was living halfway across the country from her at that point in time, so I went back home and kind of bummed around a bit. We'd chat 3 or 4 times a week over GMail, swap a few texts. The chemistry was still good and it was nice to have that relationship in my life. I was also parsing out my divorce at this point and kind of figuring out where that left me as a person. Eventually I found an opportunity in the same city as her and took off, truly not just to be with her, but it was a nice bonus.
From then on I'd see her 2 or 3 times a week- we'd go to a movie or a street fair. We had a lot of mutual friends, so we'd hit up parties together. Again, we had super great chemistry and it was really positive. Eventually, she asked if we should just start dating. I agreed, we made it romantic and for a month everything was as amazing as could be. I'll spare you the details, but it was easily the happiest I'd ever been. It was fulfilling and exciting. Her friends told me she'd never been this into someone, people were happy for us. It was good.
And then it was over. After about 6 weeks she changed teams at work and started working 12 hour days. She turned off like a lightbulb. After about 2 weeks of this (In which I literally wouldn't see or hear from her for days), we called it off in what I can only assume is a Top 10 Happiest Breakup. We called it off over coffee, got dinner and took a long walk. The old chemistry was back, we were both dissapointed but happy that things were not angry. She apologized a bunch of times, I said just step back and see what happened and we parted ways. It was enormously positive.
And that was pretty much the last I've seen of her for 6 weeks. Aside from a few terse texts, the only time I've seen her was briefly at a party where we, again, hit it off and then she dissapeared. Since then I've gone on a bunch of dates, made new friends, joined clubs. It's been difficult, but fine. I'm not sitting around weeping my eyes out. But I also really, really, really miss our connection. I felt like myself around her and if there's a thing trolling OkayCupid will teach you, it's that a connection is a rare thing. In the interim we've had a couple of small text exchanges, but often they'll kind of dead end.
Okay. Done with setting the stage, let me proceed with actual question asking.
So, I get that she is someone who apparently has very, very little bandwidth for things outside of her immediate attention. There's nothing in our history I can think of that would make this a purposeful ex-communication. I understand this intellectually, but I still can't help but be hurt by her lack of communication. If we're going to continue to be friends at some level, I need a little input. It's been eating me up a bit, so I was thinking about sending her an e-mail that was just "Hey, I miss spending time with you, but it's painful that I don't hear from you and so the ball's in your court. If you find yourself being a little less busy, I'd love to see you, but otherwise it's difficult to try and be friends when I'm not getting any feedback at all from you and so I'm just gonna back off.". I rarely stand up for myself in these kinds of situations, so my sense of what's appropriate is probably off. My habit is probably just to sit it out, send her a text once a week and mope. But I also feel like it's kind of like shouting down a well, like I'm wasting time and attention trying to drag a friendship along and I'd kind of like to just get some resolution on it.
Is this at all a kind of valid, reasonable thing to do or am I in danger of looking like a nut job here?
TL;DR: Was amazing friends with someone, dated them, had them shutdown very suddenly, ended relationship very positively, never heard from them again. Should I force the issue?
Back in October I was working on Staff at a conference and met a woman who really knocked me off my feet. I am absolutely not a love at first sight kind of person, but this was Best Friends at first sight. She literally walked in the room, came over to me and we hit it off immediately. A few days later, I was house sitting for her, practically a total stranger. It was the kind of thing where if we were at a party, people would ask how long we'd been dating.
I was living halfway across the country from her at that point in time, so I went back home and kind of bummed around a bit. We'd chat 3 or 4 times a week over GMail, swap a few texts. The chemistry was still good and it was nice to have that relationship in my life. I was also parsing out my divorce at this point and kind of figuring out where that left me as a person. Eventually I found an opportunity in the same city as her and took off, truly not just to be with her, but it was a nice bonus.
From then on I'd see her 2 or 3 times a week- we'd go to a movie or a street fair. We had a lot of mutual friends, so we'd hit up parties together. Again, we had super great chemistry and it was really positive. Eventually, she asked if we should just start dating. I agreed, we made it romantic and for a month everything was as amazing as could be. I'll spare you the details, but it was easily the happiest I'd ever been. It was fulfilling and exciting. Her friends told me she'd never been this into someone, people were happy for us. It was good.
And then it was over. After about 6 weeks she changed teams at work and started working 12 hour days. She turned off like a lightbulb. After about 2 weeks of this (In which I literally wouldn't see or hear from her for days), we called it off in what I can only assume is a Top 10 Happiest Breakup. We called it off over coffee, got dinner and took a long walk. The old chemistry was back, we were both dissapointed but happy that things were not angry. She apologized a bunch of times, I said just step back and see what happened and we parted ways. It was enormously positive.
And that was pretty much the last I've seen of her for 6 weeks. Aside from a few terse texts, the only time I've seen her was briefly at a party where we, again, hit it off and then she dissapeared. Since then I've gone on a bunch of dates, made new friends, joined clubs. It's been difficult, but fine. I'm not sitting around weeping my eyes out. But I also really, really, really miss our connection. I felt like myself around her and if there's a thing trolling OkayCupid will teach you, it's that a connection is a rare thing. In the interim we've had a couple of small text exchanges, but often they'll kind of dead end.
Okay. Done with setting the stage, let me proceed with actual question asking.
So, I get that she is someone who apparently has very, very little bandwidth for things outside of her immediate attention. There's nothing in our history I can think of that would make this a purposeful ex-communication. I understand this intellectually, but I still can't help but be hurt by her lack of communication. If we're going to continue to be friends at some level, I need a little input. It's been eating me up a bit, so I was thinking about sending her an e-mail that was just "Hey, I miss spending time with you, but it's painful that I don't hear from you and so the ball's in your court. If you find yourself being a little less busy, I'd love to see you, but otherwise it's difficult to try and be friends when I'm not getting any feedback at all from you and so I'm just gonna back off.". I rarely stand up for myself in these kinds of situations, so my sense of what's appropriate is probably off. My habit is probably just to sit it out, send her a text once a week and mope. But I also feel like it's kind of like shouting down a well, like I'm wasting time and attention trying to drag a friendship along and I'd kind of like to just get some resolution on it.
Is this at all a kind of valid, reasonable thing to do or am I in danger of looking like a nut job here?
TL;DR: Was amazing friends with someone, dated them, had them shutdown very suddenly, ended relationship very positively, never heard from them again. Should I force the issue?
Best answer: She ended your relationship. You've made efforts to establish or maintain a friendship. That isn't working, and it's not working because she doesn't want to spend time with you. Just leave it.
If you need to back off because you can't deal with this intermittent contact, just back off. Don't make a big deal of telling her. The only thing you would get from a letter like that would be to weird her out or to make her feel guilty.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:33 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
If you need to back off because you can't deal with this intermittent contact, just back off. Don't make a big deal of telling her. The only thing you would get from a letter like that would be to weird her out or to make her feel guilty.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:33 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
She broke up with you. Now you need to move on. It's ugly, but true. She's not a distant friend, she's your ex-girlfriend and your relationship is over.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:59 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:59 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Perhaps she's been reading the many threads in Metafilter that advise that when you break up with someone, it's better to have no contact for a while rather than let things drag on in a "we're friends but one of us would rather be dating" scenario (or maybe a friend advised that, or it's just what she thinks is wise - whatever). I suggest that just as a possible explanation in case it makes you feel less perplexed. Though it would be easier if she'd just tell you, if that's what she's doing.
posted by penguin pie at 12:03 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by penguin pie at 12:03 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think that this would weird her out. She doesn't appear to be interested in maintaining a relationship with you, and you're grasping at straws with the "reconnecting" you do at intermittent points or the "positive" way in which you broke up. Don't. You don't need resolution from her - you've already got it, actually - what you need to work on now is acceptance. You don't need to waste any more time trying to maintain this. When she wants to have a friendship - or otherwise - she'll let you know. In the meantime, those kinds of connections, but of the more lasting kind, are out there. Rare is not never.
posted by sm1tten at 12:08 PM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 12:08 PM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Good advice all around, I'm just grasping at straws to explain what happened.
I think what remains most perplexing is that it did end very ambiguously with this idea that "Oh, we'll keep seeing each other every few weeks and see where it goes". It was very clear that this was not "I need to not see you for awhile", although maybe that's what it has become.
posted by GilloD at 12:08 PM on May 5, 2012
I think what remains most perplexing is that it did end very ambiguously with this idea that "Oh, we'll keep seeing each other every few weeks and see where it goes". It was very clear that this was not "I need to not see you for awhile", although maybe that's what it has become.
posted by GilloD at 12:08 PM on May 5, 2012
If this were any other mid-level friend, and you went for 6 weeks with just short text messages and running into one another once at a party, would you feel compelled to email and say "hey, pay more attention to me or we can't be friends anymore?"
If you wouldn't be so perplexed if this were any other casual friend, then that's your clue that you, in fact, don't want to be "just friends" with her.
posted by drlith at 12:31 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you wouldn't be so perplexed if this were any other casual friend, then that's your clue that you, in fact, don't want to be "just friends" with her.
posted by drlith at 12:31 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
DON'T DO IT
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:43 PM on May 5, 2012
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:43 PM on May 5, 2012
Response by poster: If you wouldn't be so perplexed if this were any other casual friend, then that's your clue that you, in fact, don't want to be "just friends" with her.
Well, yes, I think that's fair. This was someone I spent a lot of time with and had a very powerful kind of connection with. So there's two things here: One is that I really miss that in a very deep way and another is that I don't understand how it just vanished.
I've been in breakups before, I've walked away and been walked away from. I did my mourning about the end of the romantic stuff, I think what's left is just a kind of profound confusion about how this very important, obviously compelling force just vanished for her.
It was, in a lot of ways, more than just casual friendship even when it wasn't romantic. Anyway, I should stop babysitting my own thread!
posted by GilloD at 12:43 PM on May 5, 2012
Well, yes, I think that's fair. This was someone I spent a lot of time with and had a very powerful kind of connection with. So there's two things here: One is that I really miss that in a very deep way and another is that I don't understand how it just vanished.
I've been in breakups before, I've walked away and been walked away from. I did my mourning about the end of the romantic stuff, I think what's left is just a kind of profound confusion about how this very important, obviously compelling force just vanished for her.
It was, in a lot of ways, more than just casual friendship even when it wasn't romantic. Anyway, I should stop babysitting my own thread!
posted by GilloD at 12:43 PM on May 5, 2012
Whenever I've broken up with a man and received a note after, I am so uncomfortable when I read it I feel like my insides are coming out. If she felt the same connection, she would not have broken up with you. Maybe in a few months you can TALK to her. I think love letters should be reserved for people in an active relationship. I just think you will be embarrassed later by what you write and it's not necessary.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:45 PM on May 5, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:45 PM on May 5, 2012 [6 favorites]
Also, my own reaction, not pretty but true, would be to write back, "Oh my God, I am so sorry! I am just so busy!" and then doubly avoid you after that.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:49 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:49 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
What strikes me about this is that she switched off very suddenly. I can see how, after the connection you've described, that would lead to a real feeling of a loss of control, and the natural tendency is to chase after her with letters / texts etc and to try to be friends, on some level to get a sense of resolution or some good out of it. But in my experience it doesn't work - if she wanted to be friends with you, you wouldn't need to chase her - busy or not she'd find time. So I would forget the letter and texts, and just accept you will see her when you see her, and try to get on with your life. Hard, I know.
Could you talk about some of this to the mutual friends involved?
posted by EatMyHat at 1:12 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Could you talk about some of this to the mutual friends involved?
posted by EatMyHat at 1:12 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have been in this situation multiple times and usually choose to write a letter that goes something like:
"I realize that you are very busy and/or don't want to converse. I don't want to bother you when you don't want to be contacted, so I'm not going to. However, if you ever change your mind and want to resume contact or be friends, please feel free to let me know"
Basically, you arn't guilting, asking for reasons for her loss of interest, or being creepy. What you are doing is letting her know that you respect her wish to be left alone, but if she were to ever change her mind, you would be happy to hear from her.
This has either gone well for me, or had no effect. YMMV
posted by Shouraku at 1:28 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
"I realize that you are very busy and/or don't want to converse. I don't want to bother you when you don't want to be contacted, so I'm not going to. However, if you ever change your mind and want to resume contact or be friends, please feel free to let me know"
Basically, you arn't guilting, asking for reasons for her loss of interest, or being creepy. What you are doing is letting her know that you respect her wish to be left alone, but if she were to ever change her mind, you would be happy to hear from her.
This has either gone well for me, or had no effect. YMMV
posted by Shouraku at 1:28 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
Is it possible that once you moved there, it FELT to her like you moved there to be with her, and maybe she started to feel a little suffocated by the relationship, and in light of those things, she just chose to terminate it ... and to avoid discomfort, she soft-pedaled the reasons and took to mealy-mouthed route of saying you'd see each other regularly when in fact she had no real intention of that? That's what it looks like to me.
posted by jayder at 1:33 PM on May 5, 2012
posted by jayder at 1:33 PM on May 5, 2012
Sometimes the strongest connections are the most volatile. They can switch to extreme dislike, or they sometimes must be avoided because they are so compelling. Say you remind her of "who she truly wants to be," but financially, she has to work at Slimeball Inc. for at least a year (... to get out of debt, to eventually live that life she truly wants). It might be hard to have that powerful authentic connection during her time with the slimeballs.
That said, a letter like Shouraku suggests might reassure you that you've unambiguously put the ball in her court, and I don't think it'd be weird. In my rule book, everyone gets one (non-blaming, non-abusive) email after things end to say any last words before the risk of being "weird" kicks in.
posted by salvia at 1:40 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
That said, a letter like Shouraku suggests might reassure you that you've unambiguously put the ball in her court, and I don't think it'd be weird. In my rule book, everyone gets one (non-blaming, non-abusive) email after things end to say any last words before the risk of being "weird" kicks in.
posted by salvia at 1:40 PM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]
It is also possible that she was being friends with you, and then started seeing someone romantically. In which case it would be normal to avoid you, because that would be weird, hanging out with her ex while dating someone new.
posted by musofire at 2:14 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by musofire at 2:14 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
I am horrible at these type of questions, but I will try just the same to give you some other possible interpretations. Responding because I also sometimes end things (relationships, the occasional friendship) by pulling away from people.
There are many reasons that she could have pulled away like this, and it may not reflect on you. Here are some possibilities:
• Could something else be going on in her life and is she a private person (e.g. the death of family member, etc.)? In those cases, people pull away from everyone without explanation.I don't think that is the case here, but it can't be excluded.
• Maybe she needs time to get over you. Even though she ended the relationship, you meant a lot to her. But it is hard to interact with someone daily and then not have the same relationship as before. By pulling away (briefly), you can get over the person. So she may be taking the time to do so or it will be a continuation of the same relationship as before.
• She may have had too much/be overwhelmed and may just be over you. This just happens sometimes. If this is the case, I would take out the "painful" and "it is difficult to try to be friends without feedback" parts of your email ...because if a person is already overwhelmed with someone, throwing emotions and even subtle expectations are too much and will lead to shutting down, etc.
Again, speaking as someone who has done the same thing in the past..." Shouraku's email is great and I would nth sending that. Why? If something is going on in her life, or even scenario 2 and 3...it is hard to come back even if you miss the person. That email states that it is okay to come back later and leaves the door open. It also doesn't give any expectations.
Alternatively, if you send your email,cut it down a lot but something that says "I miss you ...blah blah blah" could help. Why? Because deep down, you do miss people even when you close the door. But it tugs on the human part to make one realize that other people deal with things differently and closing the door may be hurtful, so maybe ...then or later, you try to respond to the person.
posted by Wolfster at 2:26 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
There are many reasons that she could have pulled away like this, and it may not reflect on you. Here are some possibilities:
• Could something else be going on in her life and is she a private person (e.g. the death of family member, etc.)? In those cases, people pull away from everyone without explanation.I don't think that is the case here, but it can't be excluded.
• Maybe she needs time to get over you. Even though she ended the relationship, you meant a lot to her. But it is hard to interact with someone daily and then not have the same relationship as before. By pulling away (briefly), you can get over the person. So she may be taking the time to do so or it will be a continuation of the same relationship as before.
• She may have had too much/be overwhelmed and may just be over you. This just happens sometimes. If this is the case, I would take out the "painful" and "it is difficult to try to be friends without feedback" parts of your email ...because if a person is already overwhelmed with someone, throwing emotions and even subtle expectations are too much and will lead to shutting down, etc.
Again, speaking as someone who has done the same thing in the past..." Shouraku's email is great and I would nth sending that. Why? If something is going on in her life, or even scenario 2 and 3...it is hard to come back even if you miss the person. That email states that it is okay to come back later and leaves the door open. It also doesn't give any expectations.
Alternatively, if you send your email,cut it down a lot but something that says "I miss you ...blah blah blah" could help. Why? Because deep down, you do miss people even when you close the door. But it tugs on the human part to make one realize that other people deal with things differently and closing the door may be hurtful, so maybe ...then or later, you try to respond to the person.
posted by Wolfster at 2:26 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Reading these replies and re-reading my question makes me feel a lot more clear headed about this. I'm just going to step away for a full month and attempt no contact, focus on my stuff.
As for big life things, I never felt like she was anything less than honest and the timeline works- She swapped jobs and within 2 or 3 days it was just total shutdown. I talked to an old friend of hers and be basically said what I suspected. She's got a narrow range of vision and a small bandwidth of attention. And being at work 12 hours a day probably eats all that up and more. Also, my personal response to that is that I want to go home and have someone comfort me. I think she's on the other end.
It's just confusing and troubling to have a very intense, amazing friendship turn into an intense and amazing relationship that ends very ambiguously and then turns into nothing at all. That's life! I get it! But it still hurts.
My usual conflict resolution style is to resolve as unambiguously as possible and as soon as possible. I can't stand grudges. So this letter was, I suppose, a way for me to just be like "Hey, this is how I feel and now I can chill". But I think I'm going to hold off on it for now- I agree that it's probably too much, too soon.
posted by GilloD at 3:01 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
As for big life things, I never felt like she was anything less than honest and the timeline works- She swapped jobs and within 2 or 3 days it was just total shutdown. I talked to an old friend of hers and be basically said what I suspected. She's got a narrow range of vision and a small bandwidth of attention. And being at work 12 hours a day probably eats all that up and more. Also, my personal response to that is that I want to go home and have someone comfort me. I think she's on the other end.
It's just confusing and troubling to have a very intense, amazing friendship turn into an intense and amazing relationship that ends very ambiguously and then turns into nothing at all. That's life! I get it! But it still hurts.
My usual conflict resolution style is to resolve as unambiguously as possible and as soon as possible. I can't stand grudges. So this letter was, I suppose, a way for me to just be like "Hey, this is how I feel and now I can chill". But I think I'm going to hold off on it for now- I agree that it's probably too much, too soon.
posted by GilloD at 3:01 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
After about 6 weeks she changed teams at work and started working 12 hour days.
I'm wondering if you've ever worked sixty, seventy hour weeks? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but, from the perspective of someone who has, it just seems so obvious that she's just way too busy to be in a relationship with you. For me, working that hard meant coming home almost too tired to go to bed. Food, sleep, and basic hygiene were about as much as I could do. I wasn't doing a great job in my marriage -- I can't imagine managing a new relationship with all its crazy energy and negotiations in that state.
posted by endless_forms at 3:15 PM on May 5, 2012 [8 favorites]
I'm wondering if you've ever worked sixty, seventy hour weeks? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but, from the perspective of someone who has, it just seems so obvious that she's just way too busy to be in a relationship with you. For me, working that hard meant coming home almost too tired to go to bed. Food, sleep, and basic hygiene were about as much as I could do. I wasn't doing a great job in my marriage -- I can't imagine managing a new relationship with all its crazy energy and negotiations in that state.
posted by endless_forms at 3:15 PM on May 5, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: But the thing is, you don't need someone in your life who can switch off so completely and suddenly. If you'd known this about her at the start, maybe you would have protected yourself and not become so emotionally involved so quickly. She is not like you, however much of a connection you felt. To her, other people are interchangeable, while to you, other people are irreplaceable. You want that amazing feeling again, with her. She may or may not want that amazing feeling again, but she doesn't care if it's with you. Call this a bullet dodged, and put the energy you want to spend seeking closure looking for someone who more closely shares your social values.
posted by Scram at 3:53 PM on May 5, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by Scram at 3:53 PM on May 5, 2012 [13 favorites]
I had a roomate who did this to guys all the time. Shed meet a guy, spend every waking moment with him, act like this was The Most Amazing Thing Evah! then get bored or start to dislike him, real up with lots of promises to be friends and never think of him again. All the guys were bewildered like they had this amazing connection! But she was just pretending, look up mirroring, that's what she did, really she hadn't a lot going on beyond guys in her life at all.
posted by fshgrl at 5:48 PM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 5:48 PM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]
You broke up, is what happened. You're not hearing from her because she's your ex. If you hadn't had a breakup meeting I'd be puzzled and furious too. But the fact that you broke up in a really nice way doesn't change the fact that you broke up. You may think that you had an arrangement to stay in contact a certain way but since it was a breakup, she may have been focused on the breaking up aspect of it and not on the fact that you were expecting to hear from her within a certain time.
If this were a friend, I'd recommend checking in to see if you did something wrong and unwittingly fallen out. But you know what's happened here, you were dating and you broke up. Aside from that, if she were a friend you would be taking on face value that she is busy and would resurface later.
If I were her, I would be taking into account the possibility that you moved to be with her (not saying you did but she'd have to be stupid not to consider it) and be staying out of your way so as not to lead you on. She probably also feels pressure. Doesn't matter if you want to pressure her or not, or if you think she should feel pressure or not. She probably does.
I know it feels to you like she's left you hanging, but I really don't think she has. If you hadn't broken up I'd say she'd left you hanging, but you did explicitly break up.
Sorry, it sucks.
posted by tel3path at 4:42 AM on May 6, 2012
If this were a friend, I'd recommend checking in to see if you did something wrong and unwittingly fallen out. But you know what's happened here, you were dating and you broke up. Aside from that, if she were a friend you would be taking on face value that she is busy and would resurface later.
If I were her, I would be taking into account the possibility that you moved to be with her (not saying you did but she'd have to be stupid not to consider it) and be staying out of your way so as not to lead you on. She probably also feels pressure. Doesn't matter if you want to pressure her or not, or if you think she should feel pressure or not. She probably does.
I know it feels to you like she's left you hanging, but I really don't think she has. If you hadn't broken up I'd say she'd left you hanging, but you did explicitly break up.
Sorry, it sucks.
posted by tel3path at 4:42 AM on May 6, 2012
One thing that may have confused you with your breakup, in addition to her saying "let's be friends" (if she did), is that it sounds like she said "but let's give it a little time and then see how it goes" with the implication that you maybe could get back together. In those circumstances, you have to treat it as a breakup and ignore the parts that give you hope for the future.
I don't know this girl and don't know what she was thinking. Maybe she meant it. Maybe she said it without thinking. Maybe she was just trying to soften the blow for you (that is my guess). But you've learned a hard lesson here, so try to remember it: the "it's over" part of a breakup needs to be your takeaway.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:01 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't know this girl and don't know what she was thinking. Maybe she meant it. Maybe she said it without thinking. Maybe she was just trying to soften the blow for you (that is my guess). But you've learned a hard lesson here, so try to remember it: the "it's over" part of a breakup needs to be your takeaway.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:01 AM on May 6, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with endless_forms. She working extremely hard. I think you should back off (without saying anything) and see if (a) her work schedule calms down and (b) what happens if her work schedule calms down.
posted by emilynoa at 5:31 PM on May 6, 2012
posted by emilynoa at 5:31 PM on May 6, 2012
Response by poster: I've had a week to mull this over and if anyone is poking through the archives: This is a terrible idea.
Its unbelievably painful to lose the both the friendship and the romantic love of someone I was closer to than anyone else. I still don't get what she's up to or why she did it, but. That's how it goes down.
Things are weird like that. People are complicated machines. When I wrote this, I'd been on a couple dates with someone I rather liked and this week we kind of stepped it up a bit. She works a ton- Even more than the girl I wanted to write the letter to. But she makes time and room for relationships in her life and we work around it. Point being: You have to want to make that effort and this girl didn't and that's something I don't get, but I have to live with. And no letter is going to fix that. It's just going to be passive aggressive and weird and there's no end result that works beyond making me feel better for, oh, about 15 minutes.
posted by GilloD at 10:20 AM on May 13, 2012
Its unbelievably painful to lose the both the friendship and the romantic love of someone I was closer to than anyone else. I still don't get what she's up to or why she did it, but. That's how it goes down.
Things are weird like that. People are complicated machines. When I wrote this, I'd been on a couple dates with someone I rather liked and this week we kind of stepped it up a bit. She works a ton- Even more than the girl I wanted to write the letter to. But she makes time and room for relationships in her life and we work around it. Point being: You have to want to make that effort and this girl didn't and that's something I don't get, but I have to live with. And no letter is going to fix that. It's just going to be passive aggressive and weird and there's no end result that works beyond making me feel better for, oh, about 15 minutes.
posted by GilloD at 10:20 AM on May 13, 2012
Response by poster: Final update: A few more months went by and it was still bugging me and I really need to move on. I sent her an e-mail just saying "Hey, I'd like to deal with this, I feel like we were really great friends and then. You disappeared! But then you keep popping up in my life and it's confusing and I'd like to talk about it".
And it was super productive and very helpful to hear it from her end. It went a long way towards healing the rift. So, conclusion: I think you have to be in a place where it doesn't matter if they answer or not and you certainly can't be confrontational about it. But sometimes it helps to talk about it if you feel like you're in a place where that's possible.
posted by GilloD at 11:08 AM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
And it was super productive and very helpful to hear it from her end. It went a long way towards healing the rift. So, conclusion: I think you have to be in a place where it doesn't matter if they answer or not and you certainly can't be confrontational about it. But sometimes it helps to talk about it if you feel like you're in a place where that's possible.
posted by GilloD at 11:08 AM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jayder at 11:28 AM on May 5, 2012