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Boyfriend still uses okcupid
May 5, 2012 8:42 AM   Subscribe

Boyfriend still uses okcupid.

My boyfriend and I actually met on okcupid. We moved the conversation to facebook, then phone, then we eventually met in person.
We are so good together in so many ways...but I felt bothered by him still checking up on his account.
I had mine up for a bit, but I changed the status to "Seeing someone". He, however kept his as single, and he was logging in quite often. He then said he would get those email reminders to come back to the site. Which, I understand since I used to get them too.

Finally, I decided to talk to him about it. He kept saying that he forgot about the site, which... doesn't make sense since he was on it frequently. I shared with him how I felt uncomfy with him having "single" as his relationship status. He of course made it funny and changed it to "married".

I guess it all rises from insecurities. But okcupid is a dating website. Sure you can meet friends there. Heck, I have!
He is actually the first person I actually dated from this site though. And it just worries me that he is "shopping".


He then proceeded to tell me that he still looks at girls, even ones that he doesn't find attractive because he just likes to see what people have to say. He says he can get an unbiased opinion over things since they are strangers. It's kind of odd...why would he need to satisfy these urges to know what girls think of guys when he has a girlfriend? He then proceeded to say that he doesn't message anyone.
I just have to say... girls usually write about themselves and what they want in their profiles. I don't really remember coming across profiles of girls writing their very long opinions of men in their "about me" section.

I told my friend about this, and she checked out his profile but didn't message him ( I guess a trick some people do?). He never met this friend of mine (he is away at school). She told me he looked at her profile back, but didn't message her...

He kept saying how he keeps it because it reminds him of how we started talking. I never pushed him to delete it, but I do know you can disable the account (which I ended up doing). He talks about how he looks at my pictures sometimes. But, funny thing... he never comes up in the list of guys who visited my profile (and he came up in my friends...so..). So, he was lying right there. He also, was visiting the site while in the middle of talking to me. How can you feel okay looking around while you are in a conversation with your girlfriend?

He then went on to say it has just been a habit for so long..which, yes, I get that too. I really do. But it was more of a habit when I was SINGLE.

I guess facebook isn't much different from this site, but facebook isn't stating details about what you want romantically. It's more like social networking mostly among friends.

I just.. I don't want to be upset about this, but it's so hard not to.
I read another metafilter from a guys perspective and someone wrote how you can't stop someone from falling in love. it can happen at any moment. even while walking down a street and passing someone or something.
but, um...usually when you have someone, i figured those feelings were reserved for that person already.


He tells me he loves me, is everything he wants. He is in contact with me daily. But it seems fishy...

He said he will delete it if I really want him too. But I don't want to take away his freedom. I just want there to not be more options to stray. I believe I am a pretty kick ass girlfriend. We have all the same interests, humor. I have traveled Europe on my own, performed on stage with some big names, all my friends state how I am so gorgeous and interesting, and any guy should feel priviledged to be with me. My guy friends say any guy would be lucky to have me, and how I am very intelligent. This is why I am so confused! It's just like... am I not good enough? What do you guys want, jeez!!!



Any advice? I am just sick of it tearing my brain apart.

Thanks...
posted by teaforone to Human Relations (52 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
He said he will delete it if I really want him too.

There's your answer. I would be uncomfortable with his behavior in a monogamous relationship and I think you have the right to set these kinds of boundaries.

That said, I am totally on okcupid (of course my profile blares my married- baby-having status in all-caps) because I find it entertaining, sort of like going to a bar and seeing what's going on. However, I am not monogamous and I do not know if this is a monogamous person thing.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:46 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


He said he will delete his profile if you really want him to. You do really want him to. Tell him that.

Indeed, you told him you didn't want his status set to single and he changed it to married (not accurate, but also very much not single). The problem with that is you didn't ask him for what you really wanted (his profile down), so you didn't get it. You need to be more assertive of your boundaries.

Maybe he's actually a creep, and there's a reason other than your profile that you feel insecure. Maybe not. I tend to think there are reasons people feel insecure in relationships. But if you want to give it a shot, start with telling him what you want. See how it goes from there.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:57 AM on May 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


To offer you a different perspective on it: when I had an OKC account, half the time I was looking at profiles just out of some weird curiosity, like when you go window shopping and go "damn, look at that $900 shirt" or "wow can you believe how ugly these pants are" - you don't want to try them on, much less buy them. It's gawking, it's often not even sexually or romantically motivated, and I'm a pretty monogamously oriented person. It has nothing to do with you being "enough" or not. It's just fascination with other weird humans.

That said, if he knows this bothers you and he hasn't voluntarily stopped and he does it in front of you, he's a juicebox. It sounds like you're been clear enough that this bothers you, so do you really want to be in a relationship where you constantly have to be setting ultimatums just to not have your feelings hurt?
posted by slow graffiti at 9:01 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


You are not currently in an exclusive relationship. It is abundantly clear that if this guy meets someone new who excites him, he will not necessarily reject them just because you are his girlfriend. If you want an exclusive relationship, you have to tell this guy explicitly and see if he's willing to move to the next stage. If you would rather remain in a non-exclusive relationship, you should probably accept that he's going to be on dating websites, because he's still looking.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:06 AM on May 5, 2012 [15 favorites]


I told my friend about this, and she checked out his profile but didn't message him ( I guess a trick some people do?). He never met this friend of mine (he is away at school). She told me he looked at her profile back, but didn't message her...

Whatever you do, don't go down this road. Eventually you will find out something that upsets you, rationally or not. Then you will be stuck in a dilemma of having to swallow it or having to confess you snooped.

My own instinct would be to say I understand getting a bit addicted to a website but if he's going to be on that one, then so am I. If he gets on the site while talking to me, I'll do the same. I wouldn't mean this a a bluff, either, just as a way of keeping things out in the open.
posted by BibiRose at 9:06 AM on May 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Drop him. He is with you till he gets something "better". You are just a filler for him. Sad but true.
posted by pakora1 at 9:07 AM on May 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


This isn't a marriage. Relationships sometimes take time to get to a level of exclusive devotion. I don't think this guy is doing anything evil, he just currently sees this relationship differently to you.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:11 AM on May 5, 2012


He said he will delete it if I really want him too. But I don't want to take away his freedom.

It is important to be clear about what you want in a relationship, and what works for your and what doesn't. But the way this is framed, it's that you have to give the ultimatum, which turns this into a weird power play where you lose by asking for what you want. You don't want to do that. It sounds to me like you want him to want to take it down of his own initiative.

Tell him explicitly how you feel when he does what he does on okcupid. If I understand you correctly, you want a boyfriend who is so nuts for you he doesn't have eyes for anyone else. That's a perfectly appropriate thing to want. Tell him he communicates a lot about your relationship by what he does on okcupid, and let him decide what he is going to do. If he takes down his profile, that will tell you something. If he doesn't, that will also tell you something.
posted by ambrosia at 9:12 AM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]


Send him this question. Seriously. I think all people essentially want a partner who can communicate effectively.
There could be literally hundreds of reasons for his behavior. Not all of them are dire signs of a failed relationship.

Don't keep it all in. Communicate.
posted by quanti at 9:23 AM on May 5, 2012


Tell him explicitly how you feel when he does what he does on okcupid. If I understand you correctly, you want a boyfriend who is so nuts for you he doesn't have eyes for anyone else. That's a perfectly appropriate thing to want. Tell him he communicates a lot about your relationship by what he does on okcupid, and let him decide what he is going to do. If he takes down his profile, that will tell you something. If he doesn't, that will also tell you something.

Don't do this. This is game-playing, and it's bullshit. Different people interpret actions (such as browsing on OKCupid) differently - see this whole thread for evidence of that! If you are going to do it, be *clear* - "Hey, I'm uncomfortable with you being on okcupid, it might mean nothing, but it makes me feel a certain way, would you do me a favor and disable your account" is very different from "OKCupid makes me uncomfortable. Do what you want with that information". Ask for what you want; he's not a psychic.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 9:23 AM on May 5, 2012 [14 favorites]


Eh, It's not like he's on eHarmony or Match.com. OKCupid tries to be a "fun" site, a social network, place to meet friends etc. I think it's reasonable to have an account there even if you're not necessarily looking to hook up.

On the other hand, he could be a rampant cheater, those guys do exist.

Maybe a compromise would be for him to give you his password, so you can make sure he's not flirting with other girls?
posted by delmoi at 9:23 AM on May 5, 2012


You mentioned he is away at school, is this a long distance relationship? If so, that makes his behavior seems a bit more suspicious. Since he said he would delete his account if that's what you wanted, you should ask him to do that. He may have been bluffing, thinking you would be too hesitant to take him up on it, or it could be a legitimate offer. The only way to find out is to ask & see if he follows through.
posted by katemcd at 9:25 AM on May 5, 2012


You just had a breakup back at the end of February, right? So you've been boyfriend and girlfriend for two months at most, then. I think it's normal for you to feel a bit bothered by this, and ALSO normal for him to feel a bit tentative about this relationship yet, too.

Since it's bothering you and he has offered to, you could have him delete it, and that's the end of this issue. But he has already changed his status to "married", right? And you are still getting your friend to check up on him.

So before you ask him to delete his account, consider whether it is the OKCupid account that Really bothers you, or the idea that he might be still be getting with other women online.

If he says he deleted his OKCupid account, will you trust him enough to stop the surveillance?

It's only two months in and you are already doubting him. You'd be better off taking a good look at the two of you and considering if he is acting suspiciously or if you are projecting your issues from previous relationships onto him.

THAT'S what you should be concerned about.
posted by misha at 9:34 AM on May 5, 2012


He kept saying that he forgot about the site

he never comes up in the list of guys who visited my profile (and he came up in my friends...so..). So, he was lying right there

He kept saying how he keeps it because it reminds him of how we started talking.

It's not that he kept his profile that would bother me, particularly as you haven't been dating very long. It's the lying that I would find unacceptable.
posted by hazyjane at 9:38 AM on May 5, 2012 [11 favorites]


Um. Okay, you don't say how long you've been dating, but considering your previous post about a previous boyfriend was less than three months ago, in addition to the possibility that you two are long distance (he's "away at school"), AND he apparently already says he loves you AND AND he's being weird and possibly lying about his OkCupid account, I would back away slowly from this relationship.

That, or stop trying to be the uber-cool, low-maintenance girlfriend (I've been guilty of this and it is hell) and tell him what you want, which is for him to disable his profile. If he won't do that, or puts up a fight, he's probably just not worth it.
posted by krakenattack at 9:40 AM on May 5, 2012 [15 favorites]


hazyjane just wrote my answer for me. "He keeps it because it reminds him of how we started dating" is almost the stupidest thing ever, but it's beat out by how he keeps forgetting about the site that he logs into all the time.

Unless this guy has a medically-documented short-term memory problem, he's being kind of a shit to you. If that's what you want in your life, stay with him. If it isn't, don't.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:43 AM on May 5, 2012 [11 favorites]


He's keeping his options open. It's the dark flip side of the online dating coin -- it's always there, new profiles, maybe someone better, righter. If it gives you a bad feeling, his is not the commitment level you are seeking.
posted by thinkpiece at 9:46 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


But, funny thing... he never comes up in the list of guys who visited my profile (and he came up in my friends...so..). So, he was lying right there.

I believe there is an option on that site that disables you from showing up on other people's "looked at" list. Could be using that sometimes.
posted by Winnemac at 9:47 AM on May 5, 2012


So, assuming you are not long distance: you've been dating a couple of months. You expressed to him that his OKC profile makes you uneasy. Y'all are, I'm assuming, exclusive, since the L word is flying around.

In your shoes, I'd wait a week or so (because if he listened to you and knows it bothers you, it'll be on his mind, and he may pull his profile of his own volition after a few days). And then I'd say, "Dude. My friends are running across you on OKC. I understand that you don't want to pull your profile. But despite my best efforts, it is making me feel really weird and unsettled that you're still on there. What should we do?"

See how he responds. If he's not sensitive to your discomfort, he might not be the guy for you. It's totally okay for you not to be cool with this. Remember, a couple of months into a relationship, you're still figuring out if you two have potential for something long-term, and this is one of those issues that will help you keep deciding.

(Because you may want to know: I would not be okay with this. If, after our second talk, he was still not down with removing his profile...I'd probably seriously consider dating elsewhere. I like commitment once I start saying 'I love you.' And I also know that you can create empty DUMMY accounts to browse the site, and that an account with no photos and no questions filled out and no profile info makes a lot more sense if it's only aimless curiosity - and not a desire to date - that's leading you to browse the profiles of the opposite sex.)
posted by artemisia at 9:48 AM on May 5, 2012


I believe there is an option on that site that disables you from showing up on other people's "looked at" list. Could be using that sometimes.

That would be even weirder, though, to disable visibility when looking at your own girlfriend's page but not for when looking at the pages of other girls.
posted by elizardbits at 9:52 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


He said he will delete it if I really want him too. But I don't want to take away his freedom. I just want there to not be more options to stray.

Well you need to make an actual decision between those last two things. What you want is for him to decide independently that he doesn't want to be on the site anymore so you get what you want without having to be responsible for it. Clearly he wants to use his freedom to keep browsing a dating site so that's not going to happen. Some people are going to be 100% convinced he is looking for the next one no matter what he tells you. Some will give him the benefit of the doubt. Nobody here knows what the truth is. I personally do not think the lies he told were in themselves very significant. He misrepresented his use of the site in a way to make you feel better. Maybe his misrepresentation does in fact go further. Maybe it doesn't. You know how trustworthy he is in general if anyone does.

My guess is that the majority of people would consider asking a person to disable their dating site profile because they are in a committed, exclusive relationship to be a reasonable request. If that is what you want in the end you need to take responsibility and ask him to do it for your sake because it makes you unhappy.

I just want there to not be more options to stray

But there will always be options to stray. Again I (and I suspect most would) think it entirely reasonable to ask your significant other to disable their dating site profile. But I do think your insecurity is a separate issue you'll have to come to terms with. There's no evidence in what you've written that he has had any inappropriate contacts with other women. At the same time you have also been doing things that are borderline snooping/dishonest. You are examining his activity on the dating site a lot more closely than he is aware of. Having your friend check out his profile and gauging his reactions is really on the line in my book. This is not really the honest way to deal with a conflict.
posted by nanojath at 9:55 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I guess it all rises from insecurities

Actually, it doesn't.

I cannot speak for the rest of the world but there are 3 components that help me arrive at a decision- my brain, my heart and my gut feeling. What you ascribe to "insecurities", I ascribe to your gut feeling screaming at you (from the description that follows and the questions that come to your mind). It doesn't look like you really trust him however you are forcing your brain to just somehow justify his behaviour. You are forcing your brain to pull in a direction opposite to where the gut feeling is going and hence the "tearing my brain apart" feeling.

So, the question really is, why is it that you are still sticking around with him? That could be an *insecurity*!
posted by xm at 10:04 AM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]


I used OKC for years, even through all my relationships. I would get bored and take quizzes, read profiles, etc. It was a habit like Facebook.
This was not acceptable to my current boyfriend and he asked me to delete it. So, I did. That was three years ago. I still kibda miss it. I also miss the interactions sometimes.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:06 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


As a few others have suggested, I'm getting the impression that your boyfriend loves you but isn't in love with you. A guy who loves you wouldn't put you through that much emotional turmoil or flirt with random chicks because he needs the ego boost. DTMFA, chica.
posted by lotusmish at 10:09 AM on May 5, 2012


The more that I read your question, the more that I think you WANT him to remove his OKC account. This is okay. Relationships involve setting boundaries. Relationships also require open, honest, and direct communication. You NEED to be direct with him in order to get your message across. It seems like he's asking you be direct by stating that he will remove the profile if you tell him to do so. He NEEDS to respect your feelings. Otherwise, this relationship isn't going to work.
posted by livinglearning at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yes, for god's sake, please don't ascribe perfectly reasonable reactions to someone's behavior to insecurity. It's not insecure to know your requirements and boundaries and ask for them to be respected. What is insecure is to be so scared of a particular reaction or of being broken up with that you try so hard to be this perfect, uncomplaining girlfriend who's cool with anything. You've determined that you're not cool with him maintaining an active OKC profile. Ask for him to take it down, saying that that's one of your boundaries for being in an exclusive relationship with someone. That's not something you need to apologize for.
posted by peacheater at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2012 [9 favorites]


He talks about how he looks at my pictures sometimes. But, funny thing... he never comes up in the list of guys who visited my profile (and he came up in my friends...so..). So, he was lying right there.

Ah, but you said you deleted your account — so how would you know if he visited your profile? See, you were inconsistent too. Just because there's an inconsistency in someone's description doesn't mean they're lying.

I'm not sure why it was OK for you to keep your profile for a while with "seeing someone," but it's not OK for him to keep his profile with the even more off-putting "married." "Married" is even more off-putting than "seeing someone." (OK, I realize some women would be interested in a married man, but I'm talking about the overall effect — especially considering that he would be filtered out of the search results for anyone who uses the "single" filter.) So it doesn't seem like he is actually trying to meet women.

However, the bottom line is: he said he'd delete if you want him to. So, it's up to you. Either tell him to delete it. Or decide you don't trust him, and break up with him.
posted by John Cohen at 10:23 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


There's nothing inherently wrong with having an okcupid account while in a relationship. Lots of people do it with no sketchy motivations. But if it makes you uncomfortable (which you have every right to be), he should be respectful of that and work with you towards finding a solution where you do not feel uncomfortable.

If he's lying to you that's worrisome.
posted by oranger at 10:28 AM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Three interesting points as a male Okcupid user:
1) I met a really interesting girl who was married; we struck up a friendly correspondence and it was fun. Finally we met for lunch one time. When I could see body language in person (and later, less subtle things), I realized she really was interested in cheating on her husband. (It came out later that she had slept with her husband's best friend... on the night of their wedding.) My friends all had fun with ribbing me over my naivete on my reading on that one.

2) When I started dating someone seriously (that I met on Okc) I still had an active profile. She called me out on it, I changed to "in a relationship" and added text to that effect. Thing was (and it took me a little while to admit this to myself) I wasn't totally happy and was "keeping my options open" - not to cheat, but if I found someone who I was attracted to that looked like they had their shit together, I would have considered moving on.

3) I have a close friend who has way-past-acceptable (IMHO) jealousy issues about her boyfriend looking at other women... like freaks out at the thought of him wanking to other people, freaks out if she's around him and sexy women are on the teeevee, is convinced he's going to cheat the first chance he gets... (I'm no dummy, I have known plenty of cheating scumbags, but this guy is on the opposite side of the spectrum, just Dudley Do-Right-esque.)

Not saying this is you, but what it makes me think of, is he'll make little white lies, just to keep her from going into a hyper jealous freakout (like, "no, I don't see the girls in the locker room at work in their underclothes") and then she checks up with a coworker who reports ("of course people strip down to their underwear when they change out of their work clothes") and it turns into ammunition - "he's lying to me! I knew it! He's cheating on me!"
posted by BleachBypass at 10:44 AM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


He said he will delete it if I really want him too. But I don't want to take away his freedom.

Don't cast yourself in that role. He's the one putting you in a difficult and weird position, and if he can't figure out on his own why it might make his girlfriend uneasy, then you are doing him a favor by simply asking him to delete it.

Freedom and agency are tricky issues in a relationship, I'll grant you that. But it seems like women are often so afraid of being seen as jealous and controlling that they feel they have to just sit and stew in their misgivings. Guess what? What he's doing is strange and counterproductive to your relationship. You're allowed to ask him to stop it. Don't let yourself get drawn into a debate about it where you rehash everything you've shared here -- this is such basic Relationships 101 stuff that he doesn't really deserve a long explanation.
posted by hermitosis at 10:54 AM on May 5, 2012 [5 favorites]


I come across the occasional profile on OkCupid that looks like it belongs to someone doing what your boyfriend is trying to convince you that he's doing.

These profiles all:

- Indicate that the person is "Seeing Someone" under status.

- Have as their VERY FIRST LINE something like "I live with my boyfriend" or "I'm in a relationship right now and just on here for friends or the quizzes" in case someone missed their status.

- Have "new friends" and/or "activitity partners" and/or "long-distance penpals" checked off under "looking for" with nothing about "short-term dating," "long-term dating," or "casual sex."

If you've had the exclusivity talk, then what your boyfriend is doing stinks to high heaven. The lying, as others have noted, is a huge red flag.

If being able to tolerate things your partner does that make you uncomfortable makes you a better person, great. Let HIM be the one who gets the personal growth here by taking down his profile.

I have traveled Europe on my own, performed on stage with some big names, all my friends state how I am so gorgeous and interesting, and any guy should feel priviledged to be with me. My guy friends say any guy would be lucky to have me, and how I am very intelligent. This is why I am so confused! It's just like... am I not good enough? What do you guys want, jeez!!!

Here's the thing... If you can take all these wonderful things about yourself and use them as starting points for your interactions with guys by believing them yourself, you'll naturally start filtering out people who don't respect you by pushing them away/asserting boundaries/standing up for yourself without guilt, because you'll fully own your entitlement to having your awesomeness recognized and respected by the people you are close to.

So if a guy doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you, that becomes HIS failure to recognize the obvious or respond appropriately, and it's a lot easier to hand such a guy his walking papers, no? It's no longer about your "not being good enough" which to me frames the issue as a failure on your end. The ideal, I think, is to get a fellow's failure to respect you to trigger your "turned off" sequence, which in turn will make such people virtually disappear from your thoughts, leaving you free to devote your attentions to decent men.
posted by alphanerd at 11:01 AM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


Years ago, a good friend had been in a relationship for some time with a girl he adored and was intent on marrying. We were sitting with his grandfather, shooting the breeze as men are apt to do on an overly-warm summer day.

The grandfather was telling us stories from his travels, about women he had met, and evenings dancing, stolen romantic moments, and all the rest. "But I always came home boys, but I always came home. I never did anything I regretted, but a dog's gotta hunt."

Being in my late 20s at the time, I asked him if the attraction to younger women would ever go away. "Never, boy, never. You will always look. They will look at you. That attraction will never fade, even when your equipment ceases to function."

Years later, he's been proven correct thus far. Men like to look at pictures of women and meet new women. That is hard-wired for the most part it seems. However, most are very aware of the cost-benefit of stepping over what is a very obvious line in the sand. We know where our boundaries lie. It's not quite a slippery slope as it's a cliff-dive. One does not 'fall into' out-of-bounds relationships, as much as one actively pursues them -- and at some point leaps off a cliff, of which the height and risk are known quantities.

Point being, I wouldn't worry about some light spectating, basic-attention seeking, or an occasional flirty-flirty. You're in a partnership, he's not a eunuch. I hear a lot of people bellyaching about 'what if he/she acts on those impulses'. Well, then you're in the realm of thought-crime, and what a murky, dodgy place to live.

There is the old yarn of the grandmother's advice to her granddaughter: Never listen to a word a man says, only look at his actions. If he acts like he loves you, and if you are happy today, you're probably just shadowboxing. Cheating is not a thought but an action, and whilst cheating begins with the thought of something new, the thought of something new does not necessarily lead to cheating.

I would follow your heart on this one, and give your frazzled mind a gentle rest.
posted by nickrussell at 11:17 AM on May 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


OP:

No one here wants to be the "bad guy" and say this, but the problem is not with him - it's with you.

He changed the profile to married, i.e. Most definitely not single and he is not hiding anything. What you want cannot come from him - because, you are extremely self-conscious and insecure (you are relying on validation from others who say you would make "a great girlfriend"). Self-conscious + insecurity will eat away at this relationship, and future ones. You can cure this, but you need to recognize it first.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:19 AM on May 5, 2012


> No one here wants to be the "bad guy" and say this, but the problem is not with him - it's with you.

Bullshit, and I wish people wouldn't do this—take sides and proclaim their own take on things as The Truth. The problem here is that the OP isn't happy with her boyfriend's OKCupid use and wants suggestions on how to deal with it. She is getting helpful suggestions, and then she is getting some know-it-all who's saying "the problem is you." How exactly do you think that's supposed to help?

OP: Since his profile makes you unhappy, and he has said he's willing to take it down, ask him to take it down. It shouldn't be a big deal if he really is happy with you and the relationship.
posted by languagehat at 11:40 AM on May 5, 2012 [24 favorites]


I will get piled on for this, but: run. He is definitely shopping around and is also lying to you and being really disrespectful of your (maturely, directly communicated) feelings. It's unattractive behavior. Why waste your time on someone who treats you this way and lies about stupid stuff? He wants to keep acting like a single guy? Great. Now he can. And you can go meet someone who wants to act like he has a girlfriend--you.
posted by anonnymoose at 12:01 PM on May 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


why aren't people making more of the lies being told to the OP?

from hazyjane: He kept saying that he forgot about the site

he never comes up in the list of guys who visited my profile (and he came up in my friends...so..). So, he was lying right there

He kept saying how he keeps it because it reminds him of how we started talking.


seriously? he keeps the profile up because it reminds him of how they started talking? what is he going to say next, he slept with that girl because her eyes are the same color as hers? pshh.

the profile is a red herring. you seem to be dating someone who tells you lies that insult the intelligence. focus on that.
posted by anthropomorphic at 1:55 PM on May 5, 2012 [9 favorites]


you should tell him that you want him to disable it (not delete it forever) because it makes you feel bad.


He said he will delete it if I really want him too. But I don't want to take away his freedom.


It sounds like he'd be willing to do that.

The trick to get around your " But I don't want to take away his freedom." part is that you ask him to disable it for, say, three months, and after that time you can reevaluate whether you want to keep it disabled or not.

You may find that once you know he'll respect your boundaries you will no longer feel threatened.
posted by cupcake1337 at 3:16 PM on May 5, 2012


My feeling is that this guy is messing you around. Even if it's not abnormal to continue visiting OKCupid while in a relationship, I still think the justifications he's given you are suspect and don't hold much water. A good relationship shouldn't 'tear your brain apart'. Your past question (which I admit I only skimmed) also makes me think that you might be too willing to put up with bad behaviour from guys.

I don't think that you should be worried about limiting his freedom. After all, choosing to enter a relationship always means that your freedom correspondingly becomes limited (one door closes another one opens etc.) You lose freedom in some respects but you gain other things. You've lost the freedom to see other people, so has he.

Even though he's said that he'll delete his account if you want him to, I sense that you feel afraid to ask him to do this. I think it would be interesting to know if the offer was actually sincere. I wouldn't be surprised if he started complaining/resisting if you asked him to make good on that promise (even though you'd be well within your rights to do so).

Changing his status to 'married' isn't necessarily a good thing - it might be a subtle way of trying to get around your concerns with sarcasm. He could, paradoxically, be going massively overboard in order to try trivialise your objections to his behaviour. At the end of the day, it's still a false, tongue-in-cheek status, when he could have put a true one.

Lastly, even though you say that you believe you're a 'kick-ass girlfriend', and are able to list all of your good qualities, I might question whether you actually do have high self-esteem underneath it all. I know lots of women who have subconsciously low self-esteem; they'll talk about how they know that they're smart, independent, attractive career women, but then they tolerate behaviour from men that suggests they don't really trust in their own value. I also think if you truly had high self-esteem you wouldn't be judging your worth off his behaviour. Instead of asking whether his behaviour means you're 'not good enough', you'd be asking yourself whether his behaviour means he's not good enough for you.
posted by Fairisle at 3:21 PM on May 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am of two minds on this. I once had an SO who did this kind of evasive answering and keeping their profile "single", and they were definitely looking for more than just friendship. They claimed they used it to find friends and that "no one messaged them if their profile said they were involved" - which obviously has some major issues.


However, I have now been with my amazing fiance for 2 years and I still check Okcupid from time to time. My profile still says single. I'd change it if she wanted me to though. I can't really describe why I occasionally surf it - I guess it's kind of an ego boost to see who's been looking at my profile, and just to see who Okcupid matches me with out of curiosity. But I never initiate or even exchange messages. It's the same kind of mindless surfing as when I look at exes on Facebook or random people from high school - more out of boredom than anything else.

So I think it's possible to surf Okcupid and not have ill intentions. BUT, I think it can take awhile in a relationship to get to that stage of trust. It's OK if you're not there yet. It also depends totally on the answers or discussion your SO provides. I know my SO will read this comment and I am being totally transparent. It sounds like your BF would not be willing to do the same.
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:03 PM on May 5, 2012


I never pushed him to delete it, but I do know you can disable the account (which I ended up doing). He talks about how he looks at my pictures sometimes. But, funny thing... he never comes up in the list of guys who visited my profile (and he came up in my friends...so..). So, he was lying right there.

Does he keep open a tab with your profile from a past visit? If he does, he could look at your pictures without appearing to visit you. If you have disabled your profile, the first time he reloads your page, he won't be able to access it.

He also, was visiting the site while in the middle of talking to me.


That sounds disrespectful at best especially since he knows it bothers you. If he means his 'I love you', he shouldn't mind putting your mind at ease.
posted by ersatz at 4:11 PM on May 5, 2012


It's not that he kept his profile that would bother me, particularly as you haven't been dating very long. It's the lying that I would find unacceptable.

Yup. The weaselling means he's a weenie about his boundaries and the hoping he's psychic means you're a weenie about yours. You might try just saying things straight out (but not meanly!). If it messes things up? Better to find out now than years in. This is why it's called the dating stage. Two months in you're still figuring out if you're a good match.

fwiw, I intermitently have spent way too much time on myredbook. I find it fascinating. Thank god I'm not a guy, or I'd probably have to give it up to make my SO comfortable. So I completely understand his interest in other people's profiles on OKCupid.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:12 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Here’s what I think you should do: Start using your OkCupid account.

Listen, I know that feeling when you get fixated on one person. They’re the cream of the crop, they’re all you ever wanted. You don’t even look at other guys. If you do look at another guy, maybe because he catches your eye briefly, you automatically shut it down mentally- you bargain with yourself that he can’t meet the same standards as your current boyfriend, and you look for flaws in the new guy, then feel vindicated and dismiss him immediately. You have white picket fence fantasies and replay scenarios in your mind in which your boyfriend travels with you around the world and you both become great successes and die old together like in the movies and you know it’s silly, but you can’t help it.

I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. But you know what?

Your mind is tricking you. The truth is, right now, there are lots of men out there who are compatible with you. You’re not trying to give them a chance because you don’t want to give them a chance. You want your search to be over so you’re automatically putting your fingers in your ears and saying “la la la!” But they’re everywhere. In fact, I’m willing to bet that as a woman you have significantly better odds than your boyfriend on OKCupid, no matter how wonderful and handsome he is. Nice guys, guys who would really appreciate being with you. Maybe not automatically at very first glance perfect, but if you were to really check them out carefully, more than enough to make you happy.

Reactivating your profile, setting it as single, and looking around a bit might make you see, given about a week, that you have more options than you realize and things will be okay. I don’t mean this to be a passive-aggressive move- if you really are determined to stay with boyfriend to the bitter end, I agree with others that the best thing to do is firmly tell him you want him to disable his profile- but if for whatever reason you don’t feel like you want to have that conversation, reactivating yours will probably make you feel better by putting you on equal ground. You'll be more confident, he may or may not come to realize his double standard. And, not to be pessimistic, but I think any guy who lies like this one, and gives you the run around, is perhaps not the best you can do anyway, and even if you’re head over heels right now I think that’s a pretty bad sign for the relationship.
posted by quincunx at 4:26 PM on May 5, 2012 [9 favorites]


If he has a profile on a dating site that says he's single, and he's active on that site, then I'd say he considers himself single, and is not committed to the relationship. He seems to have a casual regard for honesty, saying whatever he thinks will end the discussion. If you can deal with that, fine. If not, then a cheerful response of "Why, yes, I would prefer it if you deactivated your account" is an appropriate response. But I think you want a more honest person who wants to be in a relationship with you.
posted by theora55 at 7:37 PM on May 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


He of course made it funny and changed it to "married".
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:20 PM on May 5, 2012


I don't have much patience for lies.
posted by ead at 11:57 PM on May 5, 2012


Taking quizzes and answering questions keeps your profile active so it is shown to other users on the site every time you update. Something to keep in mind.

My boyfriend still keeps his profile, though lists as "seeing someone" and he rarely ever goes onsite. I re-enabled mine when it became clear he wasn't taking his down. As a female I get tons of messages and views and he knows it (he gets hardly any). It doesn't bother my boyfriend in the least that I get the kind of attention I do.

I still wish neither of our profiles were active.
posted by thrasher at 7:22 AM on May 6, 2012


Generally, people who are on OKcupid and set their status to "married" or "in a relationship" are effectively saying that they are willing to cheat on their significant other. Most normal people don't go on a dating site "just to make friends" or "read up on opinions of the other gender." And you know this already, you just don't want to believe he might be tring to "trade up."

Why not simply test this scientifically? Set up a fake profile with the picture of an incredibly attractive woman, have her "wink" at him on OKcupid, and see if he messages her. If he responds trying to pick her up, you can DTMFA, and if he doesn't, then you'll more easily be able to set your mind at ease. Either way, it's a win for you.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:20 AM on May 7, 2012


One addendum to my earlier advice: if you're going to test him as I suggested, do it once - thoroughly - and then never again. You're justified in having doubts about his commitment, but testing people multiple times (after they pass the first test) is just an unhealthy way to have a relationship.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:38 AM on May 7, 2012


I'm mystified by all the commenters saying his status change to "married" represents proof of the boyfriend's emotional commitment to the OP. The OP herself said he did it to be "funny," that is, it's a sarcastic and dismissive response to the OP's earnest attempt to enforce her boundaries. This kind of nasty "joke," designed to make the target feel ashamed of their needs and feelings and regret expressing them, is such a major red flag that I really want to urge you, the OP, to call it quits based on that alone.
posted by milk white peacock at 10:39 AM on May 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'd certainly take it as a signal to slow things way way down, and not be in such a rush to declare love and happy endings at this point. I'd definitely not being feeling starry-eyed about the relationship. Why not reactivate your profile and both of you keep your single status, and don't declare exclusivity yet? Why cut out everyone else for this one guy who seems kind of not really sure he's totally into it? Or at least doesn't mind making you worry that he's not totally into it. You have time to get to know each other better and go down that path if it feels right – but apparently it doesn't actually feel right yet, for either one of you. Why force it?

The early stages of a relationship are usually when people are bringing their best game and trying to do everything right and be as wonderful as possible if they are crazy about the other person... So maybe this is his "wonderful" and it goes downhill from here, or maybe he's not really that crazy about you, or it's just too early. Whatever the problem, if he's making you feel unsure, insecure and confused now, it's probably not a good sign of things to come.
posted by taz at 11:56 AM on May 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hey all!

First off thanks for all the advice. It has been really getting to me. Recently during all this, an ex of his contacted me. It turns out she and I share a mutual friend who I have known while growing up (small world?) We have been going back and forth, and he seems to not be a very reliable person in a relationship.

I asked him about his past recently, and now knowing the truth.. I know that he lied. This girl asked as to the purpose of his lying. She thinks it was as if he wanted to start off as relationship virgins where the past doesn't matter.. but it does to a certain extent. She told me the details and I was so confused as to why he would lie to me? Maybe he was ashamed and wanted to not scare me off? But he has a very funny way of showing it.
I found it kind of like a gift from the universe that this girl messaged me to let me know literally the day after I posted this. It was prefect timing, really. Mind you, she is engaged to someone now, and she and my boyfriend had a brief thing. I think she just felt compelled to protect me and offer advice. They are still friends.
Oh, and I must include that I told him how cool it was that we share a common friend.All he said was, "yeah, she was my friend from school, she is getting married now. small world".
Not anything like...yeah, she had a key to my apartment, I also went home for winter break then ignored her while having another girl stay with me.

yip.

He left for Italy on Sunday with his parents for 2 weeks. So, during this time I am really going to have to run through the emotions until I reach balance, and talk with him.

Maybe he has changed? Maybe not?


With my writing about me being a kick ass girlfriend. I think I am trying to push it, because I feel like I have been. BUT maybe I am actually a weak-ass girlfriend for not leaving sooner. ha!

Oh, and about making a fake profile... I thought about it. I figured I would play dumb, then check. I want to have my feelings justified. To some, they may say it is pointless..but this is just my personality. I need to know. I feel like it will close all ends to my feelings.

And a note to some others who wrote in regards to my other question about that other relationship. That was 3 years ago. It just still gets to me when I am feeling upset. I am learning to deal as there was tons of good advice offered by this wonderful metafilter community. :)

This is my first relationship in 1.5 years. I guess I just missed being with someone, so my feelings were more intense in a shorter time span..

But thanks all! I will be okay.
Better now, than later I say! :)
posted by teaforone at 6:50 PM on May 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


People can change, but I don't think he has. Yeah, good for you, you have a good head on your shoulders. Get out of there!
posted by stoneandstar at 12:59 PM on May 27, 2012


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