Baby sleeping question

July 19, 2005 11:47 AM

I have an eleven month old baby at home. She's a sweet kid, but she refuses to sleep unless she's being held. She sleeps fine throug the night, it's just durring naps. It's driving my wife crazy, does anyone know any tricks for getting a child to sleep in a crib alone? We've tried the "Let them cry it out" method and it doesn't really seem to work for us. But any advice would help.
posted by ejhdigdug to health (15 comments total)

Depends on how you let her cry it out.

In our case, we used the same technique for naptimes as bedtime; based on the theory that she was crying because she felt unsafe/alone/afraid/uncertain with the change in location.

It's important to establish a routine. If she's not sleeping in the same place, at the same time, with the same preceding events (e.g. same song, music, feed, whatever) as a "trigger" event, then she may be confused. Routine is your best friend here.

Next, put her down for her nap, leave the room and close the door. You can wait outside if you like, but don't go back in for 5 minutes, no matter how much noise she makes. Then, because she's still crying, go back in and reassure her. Pat her, rub her belly, whatever, get her calm again but put her right back down again as soon as she's better.

Leave room, close door. This time, wait 10 minutes. Next time, wait 15. We didn't go beyond 15 minutes wait, but that was enough. Set a kitchen timer so you don't have to guess. Stick to it. It'll be hard, but keep at it.

The next nap time, you'll probably not have to do as many cycles. Be prepared for occasional relapses.

Good luck. Just keep telling yourselves that she's warm, safe, fed, and can't hurt herself in her crib.
posted by 5MeoCMP at 11:56 AM on July 19, 2005

i second 5MeoCMP's method. it's pretty similar to what's in the Ferber book. we used it for nighttime sleep with great success. i'm embarrassed to admit that for naptime on weekends, with our 5 yr old and our 18 month old we still drive them to sleep... which may sound insane, but it works for us. we just sync errands with naptime, or let naptime slip until it's errand time.
posted by chr1sb0y at 12:25 PM on July 19, 2005

A couple of things that helped me (I'm a stay-at-home dad with a slightly under 10 month old): getting the room as dark as possible. Light is definitely a factor. Keeping things very quiet until baby falls asleep. I also used the technique of imposing a "no interference" time and slowly increasing that time, to strike a balance between training the baby to cry for attention and neglecting the baby's distress. It's worked well but of course it depends on the baby. Oops, mine just woke up. Good luck!
posted by nanojath at 12:39 PM on July 19, 2005

Besides Ferber, there's also Weissbluth, who also has his religious adherents.

It's not good for the environment, but don't be too proud to take a long drive, or, depending on the weather, a long walk. It worked like charm for my now three-year-old twins. They would even stay asleep once the motor or stroller stopped.

If she gets in the habit of a car or stroller nap at a specific time of day, she may then transition to a crib nap at that same time of day (friends of mine with twins did that).

5MeoCMP also has good advice about routine: try the same routine at naptime that you have at bedtime. If you don't have a routine, start one -- it will bore you to tears after a couple of years, but better boredom than awake children.
posted by teaperson at 12:51 PM on July 19, 2005

Personally, I don't like the "let them cry it out" method. Based on observation with other kids, this more often than not yield really insecure kids, but YMMV.

The only help I can offer here is: is the nap really necessary? A kid held in a reassuring environment will probably go to sleep at some point, because there's nothing else to do. A really tired kid will sleep regardless of the environment.

So we use to keep our now 9 years old pretty active at this age, and at some point she would switch herself off and go for a nap just about anywhere. If nap was too close to the end of the day, the nap was sort of suspended or early lunch would precipitate the start of the night.

But again, she's never been big on naps, but would get a good 11 to 12 hours worth of sleep at night and sleep whenever she felt like it, especially during the drives.
posted by NewBornHippy at 12:59 PM on July 19, 2005

The No Cry Sleep Solution is also good.

The only help I can offer here is: is the nap really necessary? A kid held in a reassuring environment will probably go to sleep at some point, because there's nothing else to do. A really tired kid will sleep regardless of the environment.

I'm sorry, but I have only to add that children are not alike. My son, "when held in a reassuring environment" does not go to sleep. In fact, he will *never* go to sleep when held (just turned three, this was true from very young). He will get more and more hyper as he gets tired, and only his own bed (usually, hopefully) will get him to sleep. Occasionally, he can be "too tired to sleep" and despite obviously needing to sleep many hours ago, will not sleep.

Your child may be different, and that's cool, too.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 1:20 PM on July 19, 2005

Oh, I want to mention that we never just put her down for a nap and then left -- it was always preceded by some quiet time, plenty of affection, and then gently inserting her in the crib, awake but sleepy.

It's important that you don't put her down while she's asleep and then leave, at least until she gets more secure. If she went to sleep on you and then woke up alone, that'd cause problems.

If you're thinking of putting her in daycare ever (no judgements either way here from me), then it's important that she knows how to go to sleep on her own, because chances are that the daycare environment isn't going to be able to provide the long-duration contact she'd need to get to sleep otherwise.

Also second what RikiTikiTavi just said -- our daughter is like me, and if there's *anything* going on at all, just will not sleep until we have meltdown (and not even then).
posted by 5MeoCMP at 1:23 PM on July 19, 2005

Dr. Sears website has a decent section on sleep problems.
posted by grateful at 1:39 PM on July 19, 2005

Ditto about routine. Read the same book everynight, go through the same motions. It'll take a while for the payoff but for my daughter (13 months) it's like a switch. As soon as we get to the last step in the process no matter how alert and playful she is she'll grab her blanket and sit in the chair for the last story. Then she's asleep in 5 minutes.

But we've been doing it for 3 months and it took a while for her to get used to it.

Also try to get a blanket or stuffed animal, hold it while you hold her so she gets used to having it around. That will act as a proxy for you and wean her from you.

Lastly: For new parents: At some point you'll have to do something ridiculous to get your kid to sleep. Before we got hardcore on the schedule we had to drive our daughter to sleep 3-4 times a week and we felt like miserable parents because we had to resort to that. But after talking to lots of parents I realized it happens to everybody, don't worry about it.
posted by propagandist at 2:30 PM on July 19, 2005

Our first was a very difficult sleeper. What worked for us, at this age, was to get a cheap sling from walmart (about 15 bucks), and carry her around prior to naptime and then very carefully slip it off into her crib when she fell asleep, leaving plenty of room for air circulation. Eventually, when she was older, we used less intense versions of ferber. The sling also allowed us to get work done and still carry her.

Also, a good powerful fan for white noise helped.

Lastly: For new parents: At some point you'll have to do something ridiculous to get your kid to sleep. Before we got hardcore on the schedule we had to drive our daughter to sleep 3-4 times a week and we felt like miserable parents because we had to resort to that. But after talking to lots of parents I realized it happens to everybody, don't worry about it.

Ditto.
posted by docpops at 3:07 PM on July 19, 2005

Does it have to be the crib? My older son would nap wonderfully on the futon couch, in the middle of our bed, on the floor... almost never in his crib. He would wake up out of a dead sleep and yell if I put him in the crib! He'd only stay in the crib without fuss at bedtime, and even then, that didn't last more than a few months. (He preferred our bed. When he quit the crib completely, we moved him to just the crib mattress, and that worked out very well.)

It also helped us to have naps at the same time every day, and to do a little routine at naptime: cuddle up, read some books, then I'd lay down with him on my chest, pat his back, and sing him some songs until he dropped off. Pretty much the same thing we did at bedtime, only eventually we started leaving him alone and awake, but sleepy; then later on we did the same thing for naps, and he took to that easily.

Perhaps start by putting her down asleep and laying next to her for a while on the bed, to reassure her you're still there, without holding her? Then slowly spend less time, then put her down asleep but leave right away, then try to put her down awake? Baby steps, heh.
posted by Melinika at 4:36 PM on July 19, 2005

I'll second 5MeoCmp's method, but I would note that with our second kid (18 months) we're a lot less uptight about nap time & co than with the first one (5.5 years old now) when she was at that stage - maybe that's because he gets happy when tired and basically asks to be left alone when he's asleep, but I think experience also has something to do with it.

Having said that, if you adhere to the letter or 5MeoCmp's advice, I'd be surprised if it was still a problem after a week. It does take some patience, discipline and intestinal fortitude to carry through with controlled crying though.
posted by singingfish at 7:39 PM on July 19, 2005

Here's my problem: I love being the bed. My daughter's going to be 3 in November, and my wife and I have decided that we're just not going to do the children thing again. So, she's going to be my last.

There are so many things about it -- the sense of responsibility, the warmth (to the point of sweating out a shirt, sometimes), the little bit of drool on the collar, the gentle snoring, the smell of BABY everywhere. I can work like this in front of the computer for hours...tilted back in my chair with snoring in my ears. My only problem is answering the phone.

Sure, there are times when this is inconvenient, but as she grows older, I'm going to miss it so much more. I look at my older boys, and sometimes I get all misty-eyed remembering the good naps we spent together.

Bah, I need to go kiss my kids. Cya.
posted by thanotopsis at 10:51 PM on July 19, 2005

We tried 5MeoCMP's way first, but going in to reassure her only made her more mad. So the next night we decided to let her cry it out, come hell or high water. It was tough for us to listen to her cry, but nearly an hour (yes, an hour) she went to sleep. Next night, she cried for 15 minutes. Next night 5 minutes. Next night, right to sleep. Now she is rock star nighttime and naptime sleeper.

She didn't have a lovey at the time (which she does now) and I'd bet that that would've made it easier on her.

And what everyone else said about a routine and minimizing light.
posted by turbodog at 2:13 PM on July 20, 2005

The hardiest part we've been having is the fact that she does sleep through the night no problem. That makes researching the problem tough, all the research I can find is all about nighttime sleeping. She does sleep in the bed with both of us, but she never wakes up. It's the naps that have been a problem. We're working on getting her into her crib for naps. Slowly but surely it seems to be working. The routine seems to be key, we read a book to her, rock her in a chair and then shut off the lights. She keeps distracting herself by demanding more books (we thought her the sign language for read, so she uses that to demand more books) but we have to hold her until she sleeps. She has started to figure it out. Thanks for all your advice.
posted by ejhdigdug at 10:17 AM on July 21, 2005