Kissed, haven't told yet.
April 29, 2012 8:55 AM Subscribe
Kissed a man who is not my man. What now?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (61 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in a relationship of almost 3 years with a wonderful man that I love dearly. In a moment of idiocy, tipsiness, selfishness, and lack of self-control, I kissed another man I had just met with whom I had gone out drinking (we were the last of a group of friends to leave, and things...boiled over.) I've never cheated on a partner before, and I'm a bit shell-shocked and feel like it hasn't really sunk in that this happened. I've woken up in a total panic after even having DREAMS about cheating on my boyfriend. I have absolutely no idea how to handle this.
Why did I do it? Well, there are no good reasons, but for the sake of explanation: I was attracted to the other man, and was really enjoying the attention and feeling of being desired. Having been a little drunk, I didn't control those impulses appropriately. HOWEVER, this seems a little different, because I've been attracted to other men before and not cheated, so it seems like something has changed with me. I've noticed that I've been having mini-fantasies about being with other men (sexually, but not emotionally) over the past few months, and though I never expected that I'd act on those feelings, I've definitely found it appealing in theory. I've never been in a relationship longer than one year prior to this one, so I've never reached the stage before where you realize that while you love your partner and feel grateful and lucky to have the amazing relationship you have, you're still attracted to other people and will miss the excitement of kissing someone for the first time. I've also recently realized that I really do want to be with my boyfriend for the rest of our lives, and the lifetime monogamy worries have kicked in a bit. (I will be speaking to a therapist about this in short order, and if I tell my bf, I will also make an appointment with a couples' counselor.)
I want to do the right thing by my boyfriend (obviously, I haven't succeeded, but going forward...) He's the best man I've ever known, I love and respect him more than anything, and I don't want to lose him. I also want to cause him as little pain as possible in the long run. I'm leaning toward telling him, because we're extremely emotionally connected, and I can't bear the thought of being dishonest with him. I did consider not telling him in order to spare him the hurt, but if a question ever came up about infidelities, I would not be willing or able to lie to his face. I will do whatever it takes to work our relationship through this in the healthiest way possible.
*Of note - my boyfriend and I have casually talked about the concept of occasional non-exclusivity and weren't entirely opposed to it. But since we never made any decisions on it and haven't made any type of agreement, I would still obviously classify any non-exclusivity as cheating. He has had this sort of thing happen to him in past relationships and it did not lead to his breaking off the relationship because of it (but of course, I would respect and abide by any decision he makes in this situation.) He tends to be very calm, positive, and even-keeled in temperament.
Have you ever been on either side of this situation? What did you do? If not, what would you do? What would you want your partner to do? Anonymous email: firstname.lastname@example.org