Constant grass-is-always-greener syndrome

July 18, 2005 12:59 PM

I contantly suffer from the-grass-is-always-greener syndrome. When I'm single, I crave being in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I crave being single. I'm afraid that it's going to screw up my current, excellent relationship ...

I'm living with the girl of my dreams. We have no serious problems other than that I often have a nagging desire to be on my own. It's the same nagging desire that's led me to end every good relationship that I've ever been in. The logical side of me feels good: I'm in a great relationship, I want to make it last, I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with this girl. Then there's the other side of me (which I desperately want to supress) that wants to be alone. However, I am having trouble making any decision becuase I know that as soon as I am alone I'm going to want her back.

It sounds like it should be cut-and-dry, I know, but I really feel like this has been a constant problem throughout most of my life.

What, if anything, can I do to just be satisfied with what I have and not always crave something else? Does anyone else relate to me?

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

Of course everyone feels this to some degree. I would say that the key is to try to isolate what, precisely, it is you love / covet / miss about being alone or single. Is it centered around the freedom to fuck around? Because if so, that's a potentially large stumbling block. If it's just a question of feeling like you need/want greater autonomy in terms of personal decisions and things like that, that's the sort of thing you should hopefully be able to talk through with a reasonable partner.
posted by logovisual at 1:09 PM on July 18, 2005

Can you get your own study/room? More time to yourself? Etc. What exactly is it that you don't like about being with someone?
posted by callmejay at 1:14 PM on July 18, 2005

Welcome to testosterone.
posted by uni verse at 1:19 PM on July 18, 2005

Taking a little break on your own, such as travelling alone for a week or two, might help. Living with someone can get overwhelming at times, making single life more attractive. But, as you say, you will probably miss her when you are away. Actually missing her will take away the "probably" and you will know.

If you go away for a little while don't miss her, that's a different story.
posted by copperbleu at 1:26 PM on July 18, 2005

I think this is something you should be able to talk to the girl of your dreams about. If you need more time to yourself, you should be able to get it. If the desire is to date other women, well, you may not be able to get that, or even to say that to her, but it doesn't hurt to let her know that there are times when you get frustrated with yourself for being a bit restless.

I think the key to addressing this is probably to figure out if it's really all that great to be alone. Sure, there is a certain allure, but is it really what you want? If not, what's driving the feeling? Is it the dreaded fear of commitment? If so, get over it. I'm serious. If that's what it is, and this is the girl of your dreams, then you need to shake yourself by the shoulders and get on with the relationship. It doesn't sound too much like you have lingering doubts about her. Could it be something else? I do think that your feelings can and should be analysed and that you should sit down after the analysis and figure out what you want to do about it. Write about it, write about it every time it comes up, constantly remind yourself that this is the girl of your dreams and that being alone can be really lonely. In other words, find something else to do with the feelings other than leave her.

Chris Rock, who I don't always like, says you're either bored (with someone) or lonely (alone). There's something to think about in what he says.
posted by OmieWise at 1:27 PM on July 18, 2005

Oh, it's not just those with testosterone, believe me. I have the same issues in relationships. Logovisual makes a good point -- you need to pinpoint exactly what it is you miss about being single and go from there. For me, I've always landed in relationships with people who need their space and alone time as much as I do, so that's never been the problem. I just missed the thrill of new relationships and meeting new people in a romantic way, which (to me, at least) is a unique feeling not found anywhere else. If you'd like to e-mail me, I can go into more detail.
posted by Zosia Blue at 1:28 PM on July 18, 2005

If you're just feeling generally restless, it might help to recognize that that's normal and not try to fight against it. That is, stay in the relationship, but say (either to yourself or to your girlfriend), "I'm feeling antsy and I need a little space for a few days." Don't try to force yourself to spend *more* time with her because you're feeling guilty, or to do anything else that goes directly against what you're actually feeling.

Allowing yourself to feel that will probably help it to pass more quickly. If you just keep fighting against the feeling, it'll make it balloon into a bigger deal than it may need to be.
posted by occhiblu at 2:03 PM on July 18, 2005

Yes, tell her, but make sure she knows that you like her very much and are not planning on leaving her. When I get this kind of feeling, I like to try and do something adventurous in a non-sexual way, like a spontaneous trip or something else that gives you a thrill. Also, maybe a once-a-week night out alone or with your friends will make you feel a little less cagey.
posted by slimslowslider at 2:20 PM on July 18, 2005

If you go away for a little while don't miss her, that's a different story.

I dunno. I have the same issue as anonymous and I find that this doesn't matter. I can go away for a few days and not miss her, and then break up with her and miss her terribly.
posted by bingo at 2:32 PM on July 18, 2005

I have this problem in a general sense and have pretty much forever. I am also in a relationship now that I really enjoy and yet often daydream about not being in. Ths is what I decided. In a general sense, I am not worried about missing out on anything that I don't get here. I don't think I want to be in a totally different type of relationship, for example. I've been alone for long periods of time and while it's okay with me, this is preferable. I like having someone to tell about my day. I like having someone to go to the river with. More and more, I've been valuing that someone being the SAME someone.

I look at it like birdwatching. It's sort of neat to look out your window and see a cool bird. But what's even cooler, to me, is looking out your window at the birds and being able to say to yourself "The grosbeaks are up much earlier this year" or "I've never seen a Carolina wren out here before" and noticing and appreciating change over time. So, what I look for in this relationship, more than any of the "It's nice to do things together" stuff is the "I'm looking forward to growing with you over time" stuff. You can certainly do this in a serially monogamous way, but I got to the point where I valued, not just waking up with someone I deeply cared about, but the years of having done that and the years ahead of me of being able to do that. It was a shift in priorities and I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but I notice a difference.

I figure all relationships are going to be a little bit pesty and a little bit awesome and a lot of good and bad in between. When I feel the need to be alone in this relationship, I can go do that, like slimslowslider and Zosia Blue talk about. When I'm alone for a while, I generally want to be not-alone and there it is waiting for me.
posted by jessamyn at 2:55 PM on July 18, 2005 [1 favorite]

watch Truffaut's "Bed And Board", seriously. it's about a guy who has the same problem. there are lots of insights there
posted by matteo at 3:18 PM on July 18, 2005

You're viewing having a relationship as in exclusive state - which can only bring trouble - but you don't need to because it's not like that. There's regular you, and there's relationship you and there's regular girlfriend and relationship girlfriend, and all four of you are quite distinct and valid. You just have to acknowledge that and give regular you the time and space he needs: if you wholeheartedly neglect regular you in favor of being relationship you, then of course regular you is going to be kicking and screaming for attention.

I've come across this problem on several occasions where a gf only wants me to be relationship me, and I've felt exactly the same way as you. So it's important to set some ground rules, honor regular you, and honor regular her too - it makes for much plainer sailing in the long run, and essentially keeps the grass green on both sides.
posted by forallmankind at 4:23 PM on July 18, 2005

A guy I know, sick of a previous clingy relationship, started a relationship with the ground rule "we only see each other twice a week, maximum". I have no idea how well this extreme measure worked/is working, but last time I saw them they seemed happy :-)
Not suggesting you go that far, but this sort of thing helps show the range of approaches availible.
posted by -harlequin- at 5:19 PM on July 18, 2005

I think this is a sign of a self absorption. Think of the other person instead of yourself for a bit. A relationship is about you, and the other person, not just you. Your question reeks of self interest without regard for the other person. Good luck with this; I think it is hard to overcome.
posted by caddis at 5:42 PM on July 18, 2005

I think it's hard sometimes to want what you already have.

It sounds like this "grass is always greener" issue is kind of a chronic one -- you say you end every "good" relationship you've had due to this feeling of missing out on something else, or needing to be elsewhere. So perhaps the issue isn't so much about being with someone vs. being alone as it is about the riskiness of intimacy.

Think about it: if you end the good thing before the good thing ends, then you don't get hurt -- this "girl of your dreams" can stay in the realm of your dreams if you leave. But what if you stay? What if you stay and she's the one who ends it? It seems like your impulse to be alone is an impulse to protect yourself from being vulnerable. Unfortunately, vulnerability -- intimacy -- is kind of the point.

Why not try letting yourself want what you have here, while also making it possible for you to have your "alone"ness needs met -- setting some boundaries that clearly define some solo time/space -- and then see how you feel?
posted by youarejustalittleant at 6:03 PM on July 18, 2005

I think this is a sign of a self absorption.

Come on. You really think that? Are you saying that every relationship you've been in has been so perfect that there's never been a little voice in the back of your head saying, 'i'm bored'? Not even for five minutes? I don't buy it. I bet you love your job unconditionally too and never dream of something different.

I think that monogamous relationships are difficult for precisely the reason that the OP is stating..it takes constant, active effort to remind yourself why you are doing it and it's simply natural to have a desire for something different frequently.
posted by spicynuts at 5:59 AM on July 19, 2005

Sorry spicynuts, I have been in my current relationship longer than some of the participants in this board have been alive and I do not find myself pining for someone different, ever.
posted by caddis at 7:29 AM on July 19, 2005

uni verse, it's hardly a testosterone thing, it's more like a human thing. i've had relationships that were basically ideal and still felt stifled, even when the person was awesome enough to not be upset with that and to try to give me tons of space.

i don't know what to tell anon--i'd love to know the answer to the problem of never being satisfied and knowing it's me, not the world, at fault myself--but i just feel the need to pipe up about that. sheesh.
posted by ifjuly at 2:56 PM on July 19, 2005

and i don't agree with those asking about quantity of time or making more space--if i read you right, anon, your problem is more the whole feeling that when you commit to one state or the other, you've cut yourself off from other opportunities (to be single, to be together, whatever) and are scared you're limiting yourself. and that's hardly confined to relationships...it's taken me a good year or so to get my head on straight about a career path out of college for the same exact reasons ("but if i go this way, it means i'm saying i'm defining my life by X, and not Y and Z and all the other lovely possibilities!"). again, i don't have an answer--wish i did--in my case i just try hard to recognize it for what it is (what i describe) and recognize if i don't commit to anything, it's ALL lost. like that (don't laugh!) plath excerpt about the girl who can't pick which apple to eat from the tree, since they all look so good, so she starves to death. i don't want to be that person. knowledge/awareness is the only thing that keeps me from becoming that person.
posted by ifjuly at 3:01 PM on July 19, 2005

What's the cliche -- something like, if you keep your options open your entire life, you end up dying without having chosen anything?
posted by occhiblu at 9:03 PM on July 19, 2005