Help me be a better stay-at-home mom.

April 16, 2012 2:42 PM

Stay at home parenting: how does it work?

For a variety of reasons, I quit my job after I had my second kid and I am now home with a 3-year-old girl and a four-month-old boy. Until very recently, the baby was really hard to handle - he has a milk protein allergy, reflux and is now getting over an ear infection. He is finally doing a lot better and is the happy content kind of baby I remember his sister being.

But dudes. This shit is HARD. My daughter is a firecracker - full of life and has tons of energy, but she is also incredibly demanding. She wants me to play with her all day long and gets really upset when I say that I have to feed the baby or put him down for a nap. I try to have as much one-on-one time with her but I can't do that all day long. Both kids want to be draped on me all day long and it drives me crazy - I am not a touchy-feely person and it feels like sensory overload sometimes.

Also, I am really tired all the time because my son keeps waking up from 3-5 am every single morning and my daughter gets up at 6:30 am. My husband will get up with her so I can sleep a bit more, but usually it's only for another hour or two. It's really not enough and right now I go to bed at 9pm. Sometimes 8 pm.

I'm also having a real hard time keeping up with household tasks, like keeping the house clean, laundry, etc. I do some cleaning when my husband gets home, once the kids are in bed, but oftentimes I am too tired and leave it for the morning. So the place is in shambles and I am way too embarrassed to have anyone over.

My husband does as much as he can in terms of childcare and domestic stuff but he works long hours.

My daughter goes to daycare twice a week, for full days, and we go to local playgroups some mornings. I have museum memberships that I use as often as I can. I definitely feel like I'm trying to do the best I can, but there are just some days when I am so tired and I turn the tv on for the 3-year-old just so I can have 20 minutes to myself, or at least 20 minutes where she is not bugging me with questions or demands for snacks. I just feel discouraged, like I suck at this whole thing. Someone is always crying, someone always needs a diaper change at the most inconvenient moment, and most days I can't even find the time to eat lunch.

Does this get better or easier or SOMETHING? Pat my head and tell me it's all going to be ok and that my kids aren't going to remember me being so crabby all the time.

posted by sutel to human relations (30 answers total)

You're doing great! Really!

My husband traveled four days per week for almost nine years, right after we had our second child (the first was three at the time). I remember being super crabby and stressed out and much more "yelly" than I would have liked to have been. My kids are now 15 and 12 and they do not remember that. They remember the parks and the museums and the playdates and making cookies; all the things I want them to remember.

The house was constantly in disarray and I felt like I was drowning. I used the TV more often than I ever thought I would, and they turned out just fine! I taught them chores and they started helping out in the house, and I delegated more to my husband when he was home. The kids both won scholarships to a lovely private school in our city and they're great kids, very independent and self-sufficient.

It's all going to be okay, I promise. The days are long but the years are short and this is going to be over before you know it. Really and truly. I still can't believe that my kids are 15 and 12. They were just babies yesterday!

Hang in there! You can do this!
posted by cooker girl at 3:00 PM on April 16, 2012 [13 favorites]

I'm not sure if it's fair for me to answer this, since I'm only a mother of one right now, but stay at home parenting got 100% easier with sleep and practice. I had a difficult infant (untreated reflux), and things started to get a lot better and easier around the time we got her medical issues under control.

I can't guarantee it, but I think given a little time, you will find your way and you will not feel so disorganised and frazzed all the time. Cut yourself some slack (some tv isn't going to hurt your daughter), and continue doing your best. Prioritise! Cleaning comes after sanity.
posted by sunshinesky at 3:02 PM on April 16, 2012

It's all going to be okay and - this is important! - it doesn't last forever or even very much longer. Really. Really!

Look, you can basically write off productivity for most of that first year of life with babies, since every time you think they've gotten predictable they just change it all up and around. I've done this five times, my youngest is almost a year old right now and I feel like I'm just starting to get my feet under me again (she's finally consistently sleeping in her own bed through the night). Four months is still really little in relative terms. They're barely out of the fourth trimester and they are still so needy.

Being a stay-at-home parent is hard: it's often boring, it's often draining. You feel guilty a lot. You feel tired a lot. You definitely feel intruded upon and demanded of and interrupted a lot.

So first off you just have learn to not feel guilty sometimes. Don't feel guilty if you put the TV on so you can go to the bathroom by yourself. Don't feel guilty if you take a nap when the kids take a nap. Don't feel guilty if you say to your kid, "you need to go play by yourself right now while mommy works" (it's not my job to be their entertainment - and it's good for them to learn to be alone with themselves and entertain themselves). And kids need a sane parent so you need to maintain your sanity however you can manage. You're not going to get enough sleep, you're going to be frustrated a lot so you have to give yourself downtime whenever you can grab it or you're going to lose your temper more often, you're going to be feeling down more often, and you're not going to be able to enjoy the fun stuff when it does happen.

You are already doing all the smart stuff. You have some childcare so you can get a bit of a break, you go to kid social stuff like playgroups. You have your husband pulling some weight, you're leaving the chores when you're too tired to do them instead of making yourself frantic. There's no magic bullet here, it's just powering through, day by day.

And what I keep telling myself is that even though I'm home all day and theoretically I should be able to keep the kids amused and the house clean and the dinners made, really my primary, number-one job is to get the kids through the day - are they clean? are they fed? are they changed? do they have clean clothes? did we go outside and do something fun or take a walk? did I manage not to yell? did no one have an emergency? are they still alive? - Then, look, I did my job. That's my job. Anything beyond basic laundry and dishes for the kids is gravy, seriously, it's a bonus. I once told my husband that if had to replace me he'd have to hire at least two people to do what I do - a nanny and a housekeeper. So I'm expected to manage at least 1 1/2 jobs every day and that's not sustainable for a long term with small children. He said "I never thought of it like that" and I said "you know what, I didn't either, no wonder I can't manage to get everything done that I feel like I should do".

Just get through each day for now - it feels like the days drag on slowly while you're in the thick of it, but then all of a sudden they're big kids off to school and you wonder how it happened that fast. (Well, maybe it feels that fast because you're delirious from years of too little sleep by then!)
posted by flex at 3:06 PM on April 16, 2012 [12 favorites]

My baby boy just lost his first tooth about an hour ago AND I registered him for Kindergarten today. Sigh.... You'll be through the tough part in a blink of an eye and wishing you had those little ones back. You both will only remember the good. You are doing great.
posted by pearlybob at 3:11 PM on April 16, 2012

I am patting your head and telling you it is going to be okay eventually, and your kids aren't going to be scarred for life. I had a three-year-old and a four-month-old once, and I can tell you it was THE WORST. These early years are incredibly hard, and it's kind of like what Louis CK said -- it's a hurricane, just tape the windows and hang on.

The only way I survived was by seriously lowering my standards. That sounds like a joke, but really, just surrendering to the fact that for the time being, yes, I am sleep-deprived and the house is a mess and I never have a second to myself and it won't be like this forever... just that little bit of surrender made it endurable. Because then I was able to be kinder to myself, to tell myself "OF COURSE you are snappy and tired, you've gotten five hours of sleep this entire week, just sit down and forget about the laundry, seriously!" And that helped a lot. Because the stress of parenting all day is tough enough without all the added stress of "hey, I'm probably totally failing at this because it feels so hard."

I had one "hard" baby and one "easy" baby, and it's just hard no matter what, especially if the bulk of everything falls to you. So, first: ease up on yourself -- you're probably doing better than you think. Second: ask for help -- even if it feels horrible. I found that my husband totally believed the myth of my own hypercompetence, and it never entered his mind that I might need X or Y because I never actually said so. Once I finally was able to just SAY, hey, I will die if I don't get a break/if you don't empty the dishwasher/whatever, it was so much easier. (Even though he worked incredibly long hours and didn't have much time himself -- still, he didn't actually KNOW what a hard time I was having until I said something.) Also, if you have a mom's group, or if you know a bunch of moms who go to the museums together or whatever, USE THEM. Other mothers saved my sanity when I needed help, and when I was in a position to help them, I helped them, too. Third: be patient with yourself. It feels like everything is forever right now, but it really, truly won't be. My firecracker intense three-year-old and four-month-old are now almost 13 and 10, and those days of endless Elmo or games I devised that involved me laying down because I really, really couldn't even keep my eyes open seem like dreams I had in another life.

And fourth: TV or a video or something so you can regain your bearings and not go insane is TOTALLY OKAY. Your kids are going to be okay. You are going to be okay, too. Memail me any time if you want/need moral support.
posted by mothershock at 3:13 PM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

It sounds like you're doing a good job. My one suggestion is in regard to the housework. I think you have two choices here:

1) Hire someone to clean once a week. But maybe you can't afford that. In that case:

2) Give yourself a break about the cleaning. You have a four-month-old! The house doesn't have to be clean. If it's not filthy, it's close enough for jazz.
posted by Ragged Richard at 3:13 PM on April 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Both your son sleeping through the night and your daughter being out of diapers will make all of this massively better. The combination of the two will be relative nirvana.

Do you have a routine with your daughter that gives her some time alone with you, ideally daily? If your infant naps reliably, say "screw the dishes" and do stories or a game with her each day if you can. This is a big transition for her, and it's normal (although admittedly, not helpful!) to revert to clingy toddler with the birth of a sibling.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:15 PM on April 16, 2012

Is your daughter old enough to start wanting to do the same things you do? Get her a realistic looking babydoll and a real bottle - we feed our babies at the same time. Get her a toy broom and dustpan, and some microfiber dusting cloths - we clean the house together. Can she recite some of the stories in the board books that you read her when she was young? Put the baby in a bouncy chair and let her tell him a story. Put things in the bottom cupboards (keep safety in mind) - she can help you get a clean diaper for the baby or get herself some crackers and a juicebox for her snack. Throughout all this, keep up the praise for "what a big girl you are", "look how much you are helping mommy". That may help with her wanting to play with you all the time.

Best of luck to you. You're doing a great job.
posted by CathyG at 3:23 PM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I am kinda anti-TV but it's totally fine for a 3 year old. More than fine.

Honestly, if you can afford it, the 3-year-old might really benefit from being in daycare for more days, as would you.

You can also hire a mother's helper.

SAH sucks, a lot. The reason it feels awful is because it's isolating, incredibly long hours, you get no pay or recognition, just constant criticism from yourself and your kids...it's hard. The idea that it's wonderful is a sexist myth.

Good luck.
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:27 PM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

It is hard, and you're doing just fine. Kids first, clean house later, at this point.

My daughter could not entertain herself when I was a SAHM - art projects were key. It made a mess, sure, but it gave me time to empty the dishwasher, and most importantly, have some time without her hanging onto me.

When your daughter is at daycare, nap when the baby does. Nothing is more important than taking care of yourself, because you can't take care of others if you're constantly running on empty.

There's no shame in letting the tv babysit every once in a while. Seriously.

Do what you NEED to do, not what you feel you HAVE to do.
posted by Ruki at 3:32 PM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm the kid of a stay-at-home dad. He left work when I was one. I remember going to the kiddie pool with an octopus painted on the floor. That is IT, man, right up until I started morning preschool. Then I remember preschool a little bit, but not really anything we did at home. (Not even the Teach Your Baby To Read kit...) My brother was born when I was four, and I don't remember his baby years at all.

Knowing my dad, who has a low tolerance for mess and a loud voice, he probably shouted at us tons, but I don't have any memories of that. Both of us have great relationships with him now (my brother and I are in our 20s). They are going to mostly remember how much you love them.
posted by snorkmaiden at 3:34 PM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Do you have anyone in your family besides your husband who can help? Mom, dad, sibling, aunt, cousin, close friend? You would probably feel better if you could get someone to entertain the older kid a few times a month, or, even better, offer to watch both your daughter and son so you could take a nap. Or they could help clean up your house.

I'm not very good with children so I don't babysit, but I've helped new moms with cleaning and I've known groups of friends to get together and do a houseclean as a favor to someone who needed it.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 3:48 PM on April 16, 2012

You are doing great!

I've been there....and this shit IS hard. I don't know why no one ever told me that....or maybe they did and I didn't listen.

The good news is, neither you nor your kids are likely to remember much of this. No one ever died from piles of laundry and getting pizza delivered three days in a row. Lowered standards are key.

Also, do you have mommy friends? If you have some who are on your same wavelength (like you might have hung out with them at a bar before your life became this crazy funhouse of diapers and Elmo and no sleep...?) it can be a salvation. Lean on them. I had a mommy friend I used to IM or text every day at 4:17 pm with a "WT!" message. Because we agreed that 4:17 was an acceptable hour to have Wine Time as long as we checked with each other and weren't "drinking alone" then.

Hang in there!
posted by pantarei70 at 3:55 PM on April 16, 2012

Rosie, yes. My parents are nearby and they take my daughter for an overnight every Friday. We all love it.

All these responses are so amazingly great. I'm sitting here in tears, just grateful for all the kind words.
posted by sutel at 3:57 PM on April 16, 2012

Oh, also yes, I do have some mom friends (and a stay at home dad friend). They are definitely invaluable.
posted by sutel at 3:57 PM on April 16, 2012

I only have one child and I felt like all of that when she was little. When she was a baby, she wanted to be on me all the time. Later, she wanted me with her, doing something, all the time. I felt insane. I felt like, with one kid, shouldn't I be able to get at least some kind of handle on things? The house was a mess, I was a mess, it was some crazy shit. She's ten now, she doesn't remember any of it, and honestly, I barely do, either. We're all fine, we lived through the madness.

Two things stand out for me as sanity-savers. They were mine, you may have others. I had to have a shower every day or I lost my shit. It could be a fast shower, and I sometimes had to take her with me (she'd sit in her bouncy thing), but I had to have it. Also, I had to get out of the house alone for a little while now and then. Maybe just to the store, or out for coffee with a friend. Sometimes it wasn't even an hour, sometimes it was two or three, but it was something and I really needed it. This second one helped my husband understand how I didn't seem to get much done...
posted by upatree at 4:20 PM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh man my older son turned three right when the younger one was four months old. I remember that. It's the period of time when the days are long and the years are short. Now that they are four and seventeen months, it's a different world. Three is demanding, baseline, but adding a new sibling to the mix just ups the stress. But it passes, it all passes.

Don't worry about doing it all. Do the important stuff. And give yourself some slack- it is exhausting having little kids clinging to you all the time, not to mention how hard it can make getting in the mood for sex- after having house monkeys climbing all over all day long, the last thing I wanted was to have someone new touching me. But that passes too, thankfully.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, it will help to get outside. Sunshine is good for the soul, and the running around will tucker out your daughter.

Hang in there!
posted by ambrosia at 4:51 PM on April 16, 2012

Hi. I am you, but fast-forwarded two and a half months. It's hard. You're doing great. It's really, really, really hard. You're doing great.

What's helping me cope right now*: daycare for the 3 year old, babysitter as often as I can afford it, lots of chocolate (for me, and to use as bribes for the 3 year old). The biggest thing right now is looong walks. The younger one goes in the stroller, the older one "helps me push", and I set out for a goal that she likes (usually a cafe, where I buy her a treat and drink my 5th coffee of the day). She and I get to talk, which in her mind counts as one-on-one time. The baby sleeps or babbles in the stroller, which has its seat turned to face me, and we all have a lovely time.

Once we've had our treat/cafe/diaper change experience, the baby goes in a carrier on me, and the 3 year old goes in the stroller where she can "pretend to be a baby" and we have a lovely conversation all the way home. This fulfills her need for lots of exercise, lots of attention, and lots of talking oh god she never stops talking. It also eats up most of the morning, I get out of the house and pretend it's my exercise plan.

Might not work for you, but it's what's kindof working right now. If I run the 3 year old into the ground physically she sleeps in till 7.

*and wine. which I've had some of. which may explain the rambliness.
posted by lizifer at 5:36 PM on April 16, 2012 [13 favorites]

Oh, man, you are doing the work of the Gods! Being a SAHM is brutal. Two kids! You are amazing.

Lots of good suggestions, to which I will add mine: I don't play with my kid. I never did. Didn't pick up a dollie or a block or pretend to be a cat. Flat out refused. Still do! When she asked why, I said I'd played enough as a kid and didn't need to play any more. Apparently some parents love playing that way, but it seriously drives me bananas. I do/did other stuff with her, we read together, make art, bake. Take long walks, watch movies, play card games (she was an UNO hustler at 4). She's 9 now, and we play computer games, go to plays, fold laundry. The upshot is that make-believe/Barbies/dress-up are all things she does alone. From a young age, I could say "Why don't you go play with your dolls?" and she'd be out of my hair for 30-45 minutes. Sometimes that's all you need!

(Note, I have no idea how this works when there is a second kid and you can't use the "Mama needs a few minutes by herself to think" because HOW COME THE BABY CAN STAY WITH YOU!?")
posted by looli at 6:32 PM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I know you want encouragement (and yes, it does get better! One day your kids will actually serve themselves breakfast, allowing you to sleep in!). And you probably don't want a reason to forment domestic discord but...

You say your husband "does as much as he can in terms of childcare and domestic stuff but he works long hours." I'm suggesting that he needs to do more. Does he work such long hours or in such a physically and emotionally demanding environment that he collapses from exhaustion every evening at 8 p.m., like you do? If not, he should take over whatever is still left to be done at 8 p.m. Laundry. Mopping the floor. Taking out the garbage. Prepping meals for the next day. Anything, anything that you couldn't do because you've been up since 4 a.m. Why are you doing the cleaning when your husband gets home? Why isn't he?

Think of it this way: is one of you enjoying more leisure time, on a day-to-day basis, than the other? Is one of you spending more minutes than the other in front of the TV or computer in the evenings or on the weekends? If so, that person needs to pick up the slack.

Or, if after all that, you realize both of you really are working 50-50, or you're not but just don't want to start a battle over the division of household labor, then know this: no one expects you to have a pristine house while raising two young children. I assure that raising two attention-demanding children under 5 while maintaining a home perpetually ready to receive guests is a feat only possible with regular maid and/or nanny service. Do you know why rich people with kids have such nice looking houses? Because they pay people to clean up their houses and/or their children.

On preview: I once told my husband that if [he] had to replace me he'd have to hire at least two people to do what I do - a nanny and a housekeeper. So I'm expected to manage at least 1 1/2 jobs every day and that's not sustainable for a long term with small children. QFT
posted by hhc5 at 6:43 PM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I work from home for about 20 hours a week, but otherwise, I'm the primary caregiver including weekends. My husband does what he can but he's pretty busy with his job and rarely takes both kids off my hands. You sound totally fine to me. Everyone with 2 kids under 5 says the first year is the worst. Now that my kids are almost 2 and almost 4 it feels soooo much easier even with the 2 year old being pretty tantrum-prone and strong willed.

Playgrounds/playdates/classes are great ways to get your 3-year-old to back the f off of you. But those hours at home are endless, huh? An idea for you--see if you can train your 3 year old to give you more time not right next to her. E.g.:

"I want you to look at books by yourself until the big hand is on the 3. Then, I will read you a story."
"I want you to make me a drawing, and I want you to use every color in the pen box. Then, I will draw with you."
"I can't read you a book until we clean up all the toys. I'm nursing the baby. Do you think you can pick up the toys before I'm done? Then we can read right away."
"I want you to make me a big tall tower with your blocks. I want it to be at least as high as your knees and use lots of blocks. If I'm impressed with what you do, we can take a picture and email it to grandma. And I want it to be a surprise, so don't call me until you are completely done."
etc... You can tell this is my typical way of being with my 3-year-old.

She won't be able to do more than a few minutes at a time, but as she matures and gets used to it, hopefully she can manage. Those type of delayed gratification skills are great for human development, so don't feel like a jerk when you say "Mommy is going to be busy for 10 more minutes. You can look at books, draw with your crayons, play with your toys, or clean up. But I am not going to help you do anything for ten minutes, and if you cry or whine you are getting a time out."

I use time-out threats a lot (usually I never get past "2") and bribes (10 min of television a night--half a Curious George or Wonderpets) which gets pretty good behavior all day.

Also, see if she wants to "wash dishes" for you. I can set my daughter up with a stool in front of the sink and three or four plastic cups and not hear a peep for about 20 or 30 minutes.

GOOD LUCK. You're doing a great job.

I recommend not taking your husband to task unless you think that is the real problem--him not respecting you. Are you actually angry about the way things are or resentful of him getting any rest? If you don't have a real problem with him, and it's more the idea of fairness, back off of that. Relationships aren't "fair." If you need more help around the house and can afford it, get it, but don't make this into a relationship problem unless it is one already. You and he need to be allies, not adversaries.
posted by tk at 6:54 PM on April 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Definitely neglect your children. You do not have to entertain/educate them all day. The suggestions above are awesome, but I would add that training them gently to spend time on their own is a godsend. I had four very needy kids, and now have five teenagers and a new baby. I taught my toddler to dress himself as soon as he could, had them cooking and cleaning as soon as they were capable (a five year old can work a coffee machine for mama...) and that helped a lot.

I am serious about benign neglect. Let the baby play quietly with you just encouraging him verbally, let your daughter learn (timers are helpful with some kids) to read/colour/play by herself. Start with 5 minutes, then slowly extend that until you can sit them down for 30-45 minutes of quiet. It will be great for them, learning to entertain themselves, and great for you. Wait until they're in a good mood, sit close by with a magazine and just observe verbally so they know you're around, and slowly it'll turn into a pleasant part of the day.

Think about getting a housekeeper part-time. Someone who comes in once a week to hit "reset" on the house. Or if you quite like cleaning and tidying, a babysitter so you can do a once-a-week reset on everything. That way, no matter how bad it gets, you know it'll go back to clean within a few days.

I am just starting to think about another baby, but the thought of a toddler and a baby together is really intimidating. You are doing a massive amount of work - slack off wherever possible! It's building reserves against the days when everything goes wrong and you're exhausted.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:24 PM on April 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

I am not a parent but a friend who is found this article called It Will Get Better very helpful at times like the ones you're describing.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:47 PM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have a one-year-old, and I feel like this all the time. I'm trying to picture how you're doing with two kids, and it basically makes me want to hide under the covers. I agree with the slacking off and other great advice above.

The other thing that's really helped me is figuring out a quick relaxation exercise. I put the baby somewhere safe, go into my room, turn on the sound machine, and give myself five minutes to decompress/escape. I try to build it into her nap routine, but if something happens and she wakes up early, I give myself permission to let her fuss in her crib until I'm done. Your three year old probably isn't napping anymore, but she's old enough learn how to keep herself amused while you do this.
posted by snickerdoodle at 8:48 PM on April 16, 2012

To clarify: my husband does a lot of domestic stuff too. He cleans up after dinner every night, he puts the 3-year-old to bed every night and stuff like that. If I clean when he's home, he's usually holding the baby, who dislikes all baby containment devices except someone's arms.

He's never once made me feel bad about my lack of Donna Reed skills and tells me all the time that I'm doing a great job. He encourages me to take time for myself, which I never end up doing, sigh, but I should, I know. Anyway, it's definitely not a relationship issue with us.

I also got in touch with a college girl I know to watch the baby while my daughter is at daycare, one afternoon a week. I think it will help a lot.
posted by sutel at 4:21 AM on April 17, 2012

yeah, even with one at 4 years, having one afternoon "free" (where there's an actual 2-hour gap between when I leave work and when I pick my kid up from preschool, when I can Catch Up On Life) is invaluable to my sanity. I imagine that this occasional babysitter break will help tons.

Hang in there!
posted by acm at 7:17 AM on April 17, 2012

Oh, Sutel. You are doing great. I promise. I have three kids (8, 5, and 15 months). The 8-year-old is in school every day, and the 5-year-old goes to preschool three days a week and will start kindergarten in the fall. The baby is with a fabulous neighborhood nanny (AT HER HOUSE) two mornings a week. *And* I have a cleaner once a week.

But my house is still in shambles and we eat take-out and the tv gets turned on regularly. And bedtime is a wrestling match. And sometimes, especially she my husband is working late, or out of the country like he is now, I go to bed with the kids at 8 and we're all asleep at 8:30.

You still have a wee baby. Sleep when he sleeps! When my second was wee (and his big sister was 3), we'd nap together. I'd lay down and nurse the baby and we'd look at books or chatter, until we all fell asleep, or at least dozed a little bit. When I'm nursing the current baby, I'll still have a bigger kid cuddle on the couch and read a book.

I also agree with benign neglect. As long as you know your older child is safe, let her play on her own. If she wants your attention, ask her to build you something or draw you a picture and you will look at it in 5 minutes. And then give her your FULL attention and ask her to tell you about it. They can manage that. Then you can stretch out the time.

Seriously, you're doing great. The only way I stay remotely sane (besides pharmaceuticals) is a few hours a week on my own. I didn't get that until the baby was about 9 months old, but whenever you can manage it, do it.

Finally, the best trite advice I ever got from a woman who raised six kids to successful adulthood: the days are long, but the years are short. So don't wish the time away, but do what you need to in order to get through each day.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 10:17 AM on April 17, 2012

i think you should read "Waiting for Birdy" -- you will enjoy it very much I think. Lots of it is about the same feelings and struggles you describe.
posted by wurly at 6:41 PM on April 17, 2012

A suggestion for the older child, make a schedule. Brainstorm as you're going this week favorite activities and when they seem to work best. Schedule the TV time so that it's when you need it and it has limits. Schedule meal and snack times so that you don't feel pestered. If you have a whiteboard in the kitchen, that's a great place to put this. Schedule reading quietly time. Schedule mommy/active playtime. Schedule outdoor time and nap time. This keeps you from feeling buffeted by everyone's whims and needs all day. Have a backup list of favorite things to do. Then when you start feeling overwhelmed, you can refer to your list. I have found that enormously helpful during trying times at home with my baby. At some point you can get your older child involved in the schedule -- "it's dance and clean up time!" or "it's not quite snack time yet, let's feed our babies first and then we'll have a snack."

And everyone will be happier if you get out of the house. Keep trying the carriers. Do you have an Ergo or Beco? At that age we switched our baby to an ergo, and she liked OT so much better than a sling or moby.
posted by amanda at 7:01 AM on April 19, 2012

Oh, and daycare day is mommy/baby day - relax. Sleep. Do not do chores. Goggle at baby, have lots of high protein snacks at the ready. Recharge as much as possible.
posted by amanda at 7:03 AM on April 19, 2012