I'm depressed, I don't know what to do next
April 14, 2012 7:12 PM Subscribe
My life is good but I am so miserable. I don't know what or how to change anything and I am getting desperate.
I feel so dumb asking this but I don't know where else to turn. Let me start by saying it's been a rough year. I had a baby and my husband got laid off literally days afterwards. We had a death in the family. My hours at work got cut when I came back from maternity leave and instead of the part of the job I do like, I'm doing only the part of the job I don't like. I have three kids under five. My husband found another job, the money is good and the benefits are great, but his commute is really long now.
I am sad almost all the time. I'm not enjoying my kids, or my baby's babyhood, and then I get sadder that I'm missing his babyhood. I have so many things to do and keep track of and I'm constantly forgetting something because I can't keep up on it all, and then I get more stressed, and then I start procrastinating because I'm too stressed to cope with any of it, and then it gets worse. I am mean to my husband, like, all the time. I snap at him and get frustrated at him and even when I'm not saying anything, I'm mad -- mad that he hasn't put his laundry away and given me back my laundry baskets, mad that he didn't put his dishes away, mad that he is reading to relax when I'm behind on work, just mad, all the time.
Here are the constraints I feel boxed in by:
*My job: I stay at home with the kids in the daytime, and work from home at night when my husband is home. I'm only doing the horrible part of the job now because of the hours cut, none of the fun and good parts that energized me or involved contact with other humans. But, I've been there five years and they've worked with my parenting schedule and let me work from home. (Everyone's hours got cut, not just mine.) The pay isn't great and I have no benefits, but I don't know where else I could find a job where I wouldn't require childcare. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired if I don't get it together soon and stop procrastinating so much.
*His job: With the commute, he's gone for 12 hours a day, and he's understandably tired. We have talked about moving, but that's hard to even contemplate and I don't know that we have the savings right now after his unemployment. He has offered to move or find a different (closer) job if it would improve my life. I don't know that there ARE any closer jobs, and while moving might be a viable long-term solution, right now it's all I can do to feed myself, I can't possibly move.
*Support network: I have a great extended family and great friends, but none of my family lives nearby. My two siblings both just started new jobs and have no vacation accrued, so they can't come help me out, and my parents are in the middle of a crisis; they can't come help me physically and I feel guilty leaning on them emotionally. My extended family doesn't know how bad I'm doing right now. My husband has only one living relative, who has a lot of problems and isn't someone who can help with the house or the children or anything like that. My friends are great but they all work 9-5. They also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed and I don't think they can help.
*The house: was a catastrophe. We hired a cleaning person, even though money is tight, to reduce my stress. It helps, but it's just so much keeping up after the needs of two adults and three children. I do all the cooking. My husband has a few tiny chores to do, and never remembers to do them, which drives me crazy. He understands the importance and how much it helps me out, but he forgets anyway.
*The kids: The older ones are in a couple-day-a-week preschool that my parents pay for. The baby is with me all the time. I'm still breastfeeding. We do some enrichment classes. Now that the baby is crawling, it's hard to go to the dentist or doctor even when the older ones are in school ... and they only have four weeks left before it's out for the summer. I have been trying for months to find some kind of daytime child care -- we agree things are bad enough that I need to pay someone sometimes -- but we can't FIND anyone. My good friends all work days and have their own kids in daycare. My at-home-mom friends I don't know well enough to impose on. No professional care providers I've contacted can do "now-and-then," and everywhere has a two-month waiting period. It's not that big a city, I've seriously called every provider.
*Doctors: I know I'm depressed. I'm on an antidepressant (that I don't think is working), a sleep aid (or I don't sleep at all), Xanax for panic attacks, which are frequent. I need to see a therapist. I even have one. But I can't ever GET there without a million children in tow, and that doesn't work, and I can't really talk about what's going on in front of them. I even asked my doctors for suggestions, and all they had was, "Most of my patients leave them with local family" (Yes, I know, we're unusual in not having local family) or "There's an emergency nursery for families having a crisis" but they were pretty sure they call CPS to "follow up" with you if you use the emergency nursery, and the last thing I can handle is having CPS in my life.
*Volunteering: I have two volunteer commitments. One of them is every other week and my husband comes home early so I can go to it, and it helps. Sometimes it's the only time I'm happy all week. The other is a little less regular. But I try to get out there and help other people and meet new people and see adults who are not my husband.
*My thoughts: I think all the time about running away and not having to DO these 8 million things I have to do. I'm troubled by, say, a recent upsetting local news story about a dog getting run over in a freak accident. I cried about it for seriously a week.
*Self care. I hadn't showered since Wednesday until this morning. None of my clothes fit. I rarely get a free moment to floss. My husband and I haven't been out together since the baby was born. I skip a lot of meals because the kids are so much work. I see my friends maybe every other week. I have no leisure time. When I get a little, I'm so tired I just sleep.
I guess my question is, I need SOMETHING in my life to change, and at this point I'm at a loss as to how or what. I NEED to be able to get my work done so it isn't hanging over me all the time, but I just keep procrastinating. I NEED to see the therapist and get help, but I cannot figure out a way to do it without all my kids. I even went to the trouble of trying to find daytime carers, and I can't, and I'm worn out. My relationship with my husband is so bad -- I'm so angry at him all the time, for no reason -- and I NEED to fix that but I don't even no where to start. I guess those are the most pressing things. I have to be careful with money because of the unemployment decimating our savings, but my husband is okay with me spending what I need to to get the help I need, but we're just at a loss, and I don't think he knows quite how desperate I feel.
Please, what am I not seeing, what can I change to make some part of this better? I feel trapped, and I feel exhausted from trying to get untrapped. I'm out of energy to be creative and try.
I feel so dumb asking this but I don't know where else to turn. Let me start by saying it's been a rough year. I had a baby and my husband got laid off literally days afterwards. We had a death in the family. My hours at work got cut when I came back from maternity leave and instead of the part of the job I do like, I'm doing only the part of the job I don't like. I have three kids under five. My husband found another job, the money is good and the benefits are great, but his commute is really long now.
I am sad almost all the time. I'm not enjoying my kids, or my baby's babyhood, and then I get sadder that I'm missing his babyhood. I have so many things to do and keep track of and I'm constantly forgetting something because I can't keep up on it all, and then I get more stressed, and then I start procrastinating because I'm too stressed to cope with any of it, and then it gets worse. I am mean to my husband, like, all the time. I snap at him and get frustrated at him and even when I'm not saying anything, I'm mad -- mad that he hasn't put his laundry away and given me back my laundry baskets, mad that he didn't put his dishes away, mad that he is reading to relax when I'm behind on work, just mad, all the time.
Here are the constraints I feel boxed in by:
*My job: I stay at home with the kids in the daytime, and work from home at night when my husband is home. I'm only doing the horrible part of the job now because of the hours cut, none of the fun and good parts that energized me or involved contact with other humans. But, I've been there five years and they've worked with my parenting schedule and let me work from home. (Everyone's hours got cut, not just mine.) The pay isn't great and I have no benefits, but I don't know where else I could find a job where I wouldn't require childcare. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired if I don't get it together soon and stop procrastinating so much.
*His job: With the commute, he's gone for 12 hours a day, and he's understandably tired. We have talked about moving, but that's hard to even contemplate and I don't know that we have the savings right now after his unemployment. He has offered to move or find a different (closer) job if it would improve my life. I don't know that there ARE any closer jobs, and while moving might be a viable long-term solution, right now it's all I can do to feed myself, I can't possibly move.
*Support network: I have a great extended family and great friends, but none of my family lives nearby. My two siblings both just started new jobs and have no vacation accrued, so they can't come help me out, and my parents are in the middle of a crisis; they can't come help me physically and I feel guilty leaning on them emotionally. My extended family doesn't know how bad I'm doing right now. My husband has only one living relative, who has a lot of problems and isn't someone who can help with the house or the children or anything like that. My friends are great but they all work 9-5. They also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed and I don't think they can help.
*The house: was a catastrophe. We hired a cleaning person, even though money is tight, to reduce my stress. It helps, but it's just so much keeping up after the needs of two adults and three children. I do all the cooking. My husband has a few tiny chores to do, and never remembers to do them, which drives me crazy. He understands the importance and how much it helps me out, but he forgets anyway.
*The kids: The older ones are in a couple-day-a-week preschool that my parents pay for. The baby is with me all the time. I'm still breastfeeding. We do some enrichment classes. Now that the baby is crawling, it's hard to go to the dentist or doctor even when the older ones are in school ... and they only have four weeks left before it's out for the summer. I have been trying for months to find some kind of daytime child care -- we agree things are bad enough that I need to pay someone sometimes -- but we can't FIND anyone. My good friends all work days and have their own kids in daycare. My at-home-mom friends I don't know well enough to impose on. No professional care providers I've contacted can do "now-and-then," and everywhere has a two-month waiting period. It's not that big a city, I've seriously called every provider.
*Doctors: I know I'm depressed. I'm on an antidepressant (that I don't think is working), a sleep aid (or I don't sleep at all), Xanax for panic attacks, which are frequent. I need to see a therapist. I even have one. But I can't ever GET there without a million children in tow, and that doesn't work, and I can't really talk about what's going on in front of them. I even asked my doctors for suggestions, and all they had was, "Most of my patients leave them with local family" (Yes, I know, we're unusual in not having local family) or "There's an emergency nursery for families having a crisis" but they were pretty sure they call CPS to "follow up" with you if you use the emergency nursery, and the last thing I can handle is having CPS in my life.
*Volunteering: I have two volunteer commitments. One of them is every other week and my husband comes home early so I can go to it, and it helps. Sometimes it's the only time I'm happy all week. The other is a little less regular. But I try to get out there and help other people and meet new people and see adults who are not my husband.
*My thoughts: I think all the time about running away and not having to DO these 8 million things I have to do. I'm troubled by, say, a recent upsetting local news story about a dog getting run over in a freak accident. I cried about it for seriously a week.
*Self care. I hadn't showered since Wednesday until this morning. None of my clothes fit. I rarely get a free moment to floss. My husband and I haven't been out together since the baby was born. I skip a lot of meals because the kids are so much work. I see my friends maybe every other week. I have no leisure time. When I get a little, I'm so tired I just sleep.
I guess my question is, I need SOMETHING in my life to change, and at this point I'm at a loss as to how or what. I NEED to be able to get my work done so it isn't hanging over me all the time, but I just keep procrastinating. I NEED to see the therapist and get help, but I cannot figure out a way to do it without all my kids. I even went to the trouble of trying to find daytime carers, and I can't, and I'm worn out. My relationship with my husband is so bad -- I'm so angry at him all the time, for no reason -- and I NEED to fix that but I don't even no where to start. I guess those are the most pressing things. I have to be careful with money because of the unemployment decimating our savings, but my husband is okay with me spending what I need to to get the help I need, but we're just at a loss, and I don't think he knows quite how desperate I feel.
Please, what am I not seeing, what can I change to make some part of this better? I feel trapped, and I feel exhausted from trying to get untrapped. I'm out of energy to be creative and try.
I felt pretty shitty last year after I gave birth, until I started taking a good multivitamin twice a day. Plus iron when I remember.
I know it's the simplest thing, and it should just be common knowledge or protocol to supplement heavily during the months after you give birth, but... It's not:(
Your body has made three people in under 5 years! That's depleting!!
Take extra vitamins, even as you pursue other cures. Build your foundation back up. This is something you can do right away.
PS - was just reading yesterday about how vitamin D deficiency effects mood.
Also, our bodies don't make Vitamin C, so you must get this from food or supplements.
So that's a multi-vitamin + extra C, Iron, and D.
I'm sure everyone is going to send you to the doctor. I'm telling you the one easy great thing you can do for yourself right now, especially because doctors often forget to highlight something this basic.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 7:26 PM on April 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I know it's the simplest thing, and it should just be common knowledge or protocol to supplement heavily during the months after you give birth, but... It's not:(
Your body has made three people in under 5 years! That's depleting!!
Take extra vitamins, even as you pursue other cures. Build your foundation back up. This is something you can do right away.
PS - was just reading yesterday about how vitamin D deficiency effects mood.
Also, our bodies don't make Vitamin C, so you must get this from food or supplements.
So that's a multi-vitamin + extra C, Iron, and D.
I'm sure everyone is going to send you to the doctor. I'm telling you the one easy great thing you can do for yourself right now, especially because doctors often forget to highlight something this basic.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 7:26 PM on April 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Sit down with your husband, tonight. Not "when you have a minute," not "when you're both free." To. Night. Put the kids abed, and take him by the hand, and say, "We have to talk, and we have to do it now." Show him this question. Tell him to read it. Go into another room while he does so.
Once he's done, ask what he thinks the two of you should do. Not "what you should do," nor "what he should do." What the two of you should do. Don't say anything while he's talking, or after he's talking for a few seconds. Make yourself stop and think about what you're going to say. Write it down if you have to.
Write out some of your (that means yours and his) ideas on how you (that means you and him) are going to do this. Make a basic framework of a plan. Let him think it over for a couple of days and get back to you on specifics.
He doesn't know that you're drowning, or he doesn't think you want his help. Either way, correct him gently and so he understands that you're not blaming him. You're a team. You have to remember that. if you think he doesn't remember that, take a deep breath. Maybe he doesn't, or maybe you're "angry at him... for no reason."
posted by Etrigan at 7:26 PM on April 14, 2012 [17 favorites]
Once he's done, ask what he thinks the two of you should do. Not "what you should do," nor "what he should do." What the two of you should do. Don't say anything while he's talking, or after he's talking for a few seconds. Make yourself stop and think about what you're going to say. Write it down if you have to.
Write out some of your (that means yours and his) ideas on how you (that means you and him) are going to do this. Make a basic framework of a plan. Let him think it over for a couple of days and get back to you on specifics.
He doesn't know that you're drowning, or he doesn't think you want his help. Either way, correct him gently and so he understands that you're not blaming him. You're a team. You have to remember that. if you think he doesn't remember that, take a deep breath. Maybe he doesn't, or maybe you're "angry at him... for no reason."
posted by Etrigan at 7:26 PM on April 14, 2012 [17 favorites]
I don't have much advice to offer you, except that I could have written what you wrote. I completely sympathize with your situation, and on the complete off chance you live in the Chicago-land area, you should memail me and I'll babysit your kids, take you out to a wine lunch, have playdates with our babies, and make friends with you. You sound lonely and fed up with the exhausting demands of being a mom, and I'll be watching these answers for advice for my own life!
posted by katypickle at 7:27 PM on April 14, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by katypickle at 7:27 PM on April 14, 2012 [9 favorites]
I really wish I could snap my fingers, wave a wand or say the magic words. What a well organized and thoughtful post--You are going to better, I just know. But I do not know how soon or what the course will be. You are depressed--yep. A classic description and it will get better. Absolutely stick to your medications--do not give up and insist on tweaking dosage or changing the medications with your physicians supervision. The basics--exercise, sleep, very little/no alcohol, a daily plan with achievable goals and ask for help. I know you are doing these things but they are very important and require a focus just as other things do. Children are remarkable resilient and they will also weather this. If you mentioned it I missed it--a babysitting co-op/sharing where you get some free time. Please feel fee to email if there is anything you feel I could say/do. I hope you get some helpful responses
posted by rmhsinc at 7:27 PM on April 14, 2012
posted by rmhsinc at 7:27 PM on April 14, 2012
You poor woman. What a lot of shit life has handed you at such a vulnerable time.
Please call your therapist tomorrow and explain that you are in crisis, cannot come in person, and require a phone session.
At the same time, go on Care.com or sitter city or even Craigslist and find someone who can help you out so you can go to therapy in person.
On preview, Sidhedevil got to your husband taking time off before I did.
Finally, if I knew one of my friends was in such a bad way, I would take time to help them in a hot minute, if I could. Pick a friend to reach out to.
Good luck to you.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:28 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Please call your therapist tomorrow and explain that you are in crisis, cannot come in person, and require a phone session.
At the same time, go on Care.com or sitter city or even Craigslist and find someone who can help you out so you can go to therapy in person.
On preview, Sidhedevil got to your husband taking time off before I did.
Finally, if I knew one of my friends was in such a bad way, I would take time to help them in a hot minute, if I could. Pick a friend to reach out to.
Good luck to you.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:28 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Oh, anonymous. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It sounds really hard and you have so much piling up on you. It really, really sounds like you need a break.
Childcare
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:29 PM on April 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Childcare
- Does your local community centre offer childminding, perhaps while you use the pool, gym, library, take a class or just hang out? It is usually very cheap. It would give you a break.
- Are your older kids old enough for daycamp? Even a 3-hour morning daycamp would give you a break over the summer. It would be comparable to preschool prices, so perhaps your parents could help out?
- Barring that, could you enroll the kids in some sort of class or activity together, which would at least give you 45-60 min a few times a week?
- You could send a note to the local high school or junior high saying you need a mother's helper for the summer. I hired a 12yo for $8 an hour for a couple of mornings a week. I was home the entire time, but someone else played with my kids for htat time. The YM/YWCA has a policy of never turning anyone away. Many community centres have similar policies. If you can't afford it, go see them and explain you need help. Is there a local postpartum depression society? Even if you do not have PPD, they may be able to connect you with emergency childcare resources or the help of volunteers. Even the local women's centre might at least know where you can get help. Would your work let you take a leave of absence for medical reasons? (I live in Canada, where that would be possible.) Talk to your doctor about getting a note. I know you said you can't afford it, but it really sounds like you need a break. Can your husband take a couple of days off, just so you can sleep and have a shower? I am serious about that being all you do. I am sorry you have so little help right now. It sounds overwhelming. Does your husband know you feel this overwhelmed? Could he work from home for a few days, so that you could see what it's like without his commute? I apologize if my questions added to the pile. I'm not aware of the resources in your community. But it sounds to me like the most critical thing right now is for you to get a break. Everyone's got to listen to that and help you out, even if it means your husband calling in sick.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:29 PM on April 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
So sorry you're going through this. I don't have a lot of answers for you, but, I have a little baby too, and this: "My husband has a few tiny chores to do, and never remembers to do them, which drives me crazy. He understands the importance and how much it helps me out, but he forgets anyway." is kinda something I was having problems with too.
Do not let your husband forget his chores. Be assertive about your needs. Tell him to do things. Give him orders. If he's trying to be helpful, he'll understand. He'll probably even appreciate it. If he's forgotten or neglected to do something, bring it up before it adds to your resentment and anger.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:36 PM on April 14, 2012
Do not let your husband forget his chores. Be assertive about your needs. Tell him to do things. Give him orders. If he's trying to be helpful, he'll understand. He'll probably even appreciate it. If he's forgotten or neglected to do something, bring it up before it adds to your resentment and anger.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:36 PM on April 14, 2012
The saddest part of all this sad is
My extended family doesn't know how bad I'm doing right now... My friends...also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed
Stop punishing yourself by not reaching out. Which is more embarrassing, asking for help, or your children suffering for your being too embarrassed to ask for help?
You will probably feel relieved simply by putting the word out that you need help, once you get over the initial misgivings about it. Then there may be a little bit of humiliation/depression when it turns out many people can't or don't respond. This is fine; you will still have done a very good thing by asking. There will be some people who are willing and able to help, and this will be wonderful.
E-mail and/or Facebook are very good venues for this sort of thing. You don't have to go around bothering everybody with a telephone call. Just lay it all bare in a middling-length message and ask if anybody is available to help with X or Y or anything else. Read some organisations' solicitations for volunteers if you need inspiration. Your need for more humanity in your life is no less than theirs.
Things that have helped me, in stressful situations -- not quite comparable to yours, but I have had some health crises and can empathise with some of this chaos and inability to go forward (I mean no offence, just -- it might help to pack up and move, but can barely floss? Yes, been there) -- have been, apart from asking for help (which you can and will pay back at a later date, I promise), have been a slackening of standards. Bad day? Ask yourself: is anybody on fire? No? Okay, we're doing great, and, ritual; I made an evening bath paramount. Discuss it with your partner and the older kids, find something. I have, almost every single night, a good hot bath with great bath what-not, great reading material, and usually a great snack. The only time something interferes with it is when I've gone to the theatre or something else has gone on late at night. Otherwise -- sink full of dishes? Snowdrifts of laundry? The bath is still the priority.
Another thing to consider is involvement with a church -- I am an agnostic with atheist leanings but occasionally drop in at a relatively secular-minded church (small town; church is the building you go to to eat lunch with your neighbours), and this loose association gives me a wide pool of support; you can ask a minister for help or a way to find help with just about anything, and now I have a trustworthy auto mechanic and a bunch of other nice things like that, along with a place to chill out and listen to music and eat sandwiches. I would have scoffed at this suggestion in previous decades and do not know how well it works in urban areas, but.
When my hips went to hell people I had not long been friendly with offered to watch my daughter if I had medical appointments she couldn't come to, delivered my mail to my door, and dropped off magazines. Some people will not have the personal resources to help you, but many will, and think how you would be hurt if you had a friend hurting like this and they didn't reach out. Make things easy for the "I would like to help but I have no experience with her problems and don't know how to" folk; if you need to re-arrange your furniture, pretend like you're moving and set a date where you ask people to come over with the promise of pizza and beer.
It has been helpful for me to wait twenty-four hours before getting angry with anybody over anything. The 24h means that you are no longer snapping at people for trivia, but when there is a real problem you can approach it with the benefit of having mulled it over and you will be using calm, reasoned words and offering strategies to fix stuff instead of just snapping. It provides a lot of clarity when you realise what is always dismissed, and what is always still hurting you the next day.
posted by kmennie at 7:49 PM on April 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
My extended family doesn't know how bad I'm doing right now... My friends...also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed
Stop punishing yourself by not reaching out. Which is more embarrassing, asking for help, or your children suffering for your being too embarrassed to ask for help?
You will probably feel relieved simply by putting the word out that you need help, once you get over the initial misgivings about it. Then there may be a little bit of humiliation/depression when it turns out many people can't or don't respond. This is fine; you will still have done a very good thing by asking. There will be some people who are willing and able to help, and this will be wonderful.
E-mail and/or Facebook are very good venues for this sort of thing. You don't have to go around bothering everybody with a telephone call. Just lay it all bare in a middling-length message and ask if anybody is available to help with X or Y or anything else. Read some organisations' solicitations for volunteers if you need inspiration. Your need for more humanity in your life is no less than theirs.
Things that have helped me, in stressful situations -- not quite comparable to yours, but I have had some health crises and can empathise with some of this chaos and inability to go forward (I mean no offence, just -- it might help to pack up and move, but can barely floss? Yes, been there) -- have been, apart from asking for help (which you can and will pay back at a later date, I promise), have been a slackening of standards. Bad day? Ask yourself: is anybody on fire? No? Okay, we're doing great, and, ritual; I made an evening bath paramount. Discuss it with your partner and the older kids, find something. I have, almost every single night, a good hot bath with great bath what-not, great reading material, and usually a great snack. The only time something interferes with it is when I've gone to the theatre or something else has gone on late at night. Otherwise -- sink full of dishes? Snowdrifts of laundry? The bath is still the priority.
Another thing to consider is involvement with a church -- I am an agnostic with atheist leanings but occasionally drop in at a relatively secular-minded church (small town; church is the building you go to to eat lunch with your neighbours), and this loose association gives me a wide pool of support; you can ask a minister for help or a way to find help with just about anything, and now I have a trustworthy auto mechanic and a bunch of other nice things like that, along with a place to chill out and listen to music and eat sandwiches. I would have scoffed at this suggestion in previous decades and do not know how well it works in urban areas, but.
When my hips went to hell people I had not long been friendly with offered to watch my daughter if I had medical appointments she couldn't come to, delivered my mail to my door, and dropped off magazines. Some people will not have the personal resources to help you, but many will, and think how you would be hurt if you had a friend hurting like this and they didn't reach out. Make things easy for the "I would like to help but I have no experience with her problems and don't know how to" folk; if you need to re-arrange your furniture, pretend like you're moving and set a date where you ask people to come over with the promise of pizza and beer.
It has been helpful for me to wait twenty-four hours before getting angry with anybody over anything. The 24h means that you are no longer snapping at people for trivia, but when there is a real problem you can approach it with the benefit of having mulled it over and you will be using calm, reasoned words and offering strategies to fix stuff instead of just snapping. It provides a lot of clarity when you realise what is always dismissed, and what is always still hurting you the next day.
posted by kmennie at 7:49 PM on April 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
This is a low time in your life. It will get better.
Right now- you need to change your anti-depressant. It isn't working. Xanax makes me very depressed so I don't take it anymore. I'm one of the few that has suicidal thoughts as it is leaving my system and no other time. Your anti-depressant should be controlling your anxiety and depression- it is doing neither. Time for a change.
While you are waiting for the meds to help, you need to go for a walk, every day. Put baby in the stroller and go. Even if you look like crap. Even if your clothes don't fit right. Even if you don't really want to. Walk for at least 20 minutes, every day, no matter what. It will help, I promise you.
Your husband's life is crap right now too. He isn't home for 12 hours of every day. When he gets home, he has to meet the demands of 4 people. And, he needs some time to unwind. Understand that he is not up for doing chores right now. Your house is going to be a mess for a couple of years. It's not the end of the world. My house is a mess too.
It's okay if you lose the job. It is also okay for you to let them know how much you hate the work that you are doing. Finding another job where you won't have to pay for daycare would be almost impossible. Any work that requires daycare will pay about as much as daycare costs- you are better off cutting back on everything and not working. Poor and happy is better than struggling and miserable.
You can do this. It is hard, it sucks, it feels awful, but you are strong enough to handle it. It will get better.
posted by myselfasme at 7:57 PM on April 14, 2012
Right now- you need to change your anti-depressant. It isn't working. Xanax makes me very depressed so I don't take it anymore. I'm one of the few that has suicidal thoughts as it is leaving my system and no other time. Your anti-depressant should be controlling your anxiety and depression- it is doing neither. Time for a change.
While you are waiting for the meds to help, you need to go for a walk, every day. Put baby in the stroller and go. Even if you look like crap. Even if your clothes don't fit right. Even if you don't really want to. Walk for at least 20 minutes, every day, no matter what. It will help, I promise you.
Your husband's life is crap right now too. He isn't home for 12 hours of every day. When he gets home, he has to meet the demands of 4 people. And, he needs some time to unwind. Understand that he is not up for doing chores right now. Your house is going to be a mess for a couple of years. It's not the end of the world. My house is a mess too.
It's okay if you lose the job. It is also okay for you to let them know how much you hate the work that you are doing. Finding another job where you won't have to pay for daycare would be almost impossible. Any work that requires daycare will pay about as much as daycare costs- you are better off cutting back on everything and not working. Poor and happy is better than struggling and miserable.
You can do this. It is hard, it sucks, it feels awful, but you are strong enough to handle it. It will get better.
posted by myselfasme at 7:57 PM on April 14, 2012
Tomorrow, call the office of your GP/therapist/psychiatrist/ob-gyn/other/any and say that you need to speak with the doctor directly about your medications. Tell the receptionist it nurse, bluntly and directly, that you are deeply depressed and anxious and your current medications are not sufficient, and that you would like a phone appointment as soon as possible because you cannot make an office visit. Assign the task of making these calls on your behalf to your husband if that would help ensure it gets done ASAP, and helps give him a constructive way to contribute to improving your family's well-being. Push for what you need. Let the relative anonymity of the phone help you tell medical professionals exacting what you've told us -- that you are in terrible pain and need help.
(Also, if you're anywhere near DC, I'd love to take care if your kids sometime. Please memail me anytime, regardless of where you are. I understand profound depression and would be happy to at least lend an ear, and can maybe offer you some more tactical ideas about what's worked for me.)
posted by argonauta at 8:00 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
(Also, if you're anywhere near DC, I'd love to take care if your kids sometime. Please memail me anytime, regardless of where you are. I understand profound depression and would be happy to at least lend an ear, and can maybe offer you some more tactical ideas about what's worked for me.)
posted by argonauta at 8:00 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Can your husband work from home one day a week?
posted by roboton666 at 8:02 PM on April 14, 2012
posted by roboton666 at 8:02 PM on April 14, 2012
I think you need to give yourself permission to make your life as easy as possible right now. Cut any work you possibly can- spending lots of time doing dishes? Disposables! Cooking? Frozen/Prepared food! Schlepping to baby enrichment classes? If you don't love 'em, ditch 'em. Need more laundry baskets so no one ever has to put away their clothes, they can just move them from basket to basket? Get thee to Target! Your life will not always be this crazy; you won't be eating off paper plates forever. My Mom said her years with 3 young children were some of the hardest of her life. Don't be too hard on yourself.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:04 PM on April 14, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:04 PM on April 14, 2012 [13 favorites]
Barring that, can he work 4 10 hour days and have Monday or Friday off? Your husband needs to arrange a better situation as well.
posted by roboton666 at 8:04 PM on April 14, 2012
posted by roboton666 at 8:04 PM on April 14, 2012
Xanax makes me very depressed so I don't take it anymore.
A good friend of mine was recently prescribed Xanax and had this same experience.
posted by fshgrl at 8:08 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
A good friend of mine was recently prescribed Xanax and had this same experience.
posted by fshgrl at 8:08 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
*My job: I stay at home with the kids in the daytime, and work from home at night when my husband is home. I'm only doing the horrible part of the job now because of the hours cut, none of the fun and good parts that energized me or involved contact with other humans. But, I've been there five years and they've worked with my parenting schedule and let me work from home. (Everyone's hours got cut, not just mine.) The pay isn't great and I have no benefits, but I don't know where else I could find a job where I wouldn't require childcare. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired if I don't get it together soon and stop procrastinating so much.
Okay, so, it's very possible that you have strong feelings about working full-time as a mom, and if so please disregard this because it is not a judgment on you at all and I want you to do that if that is what you want, but this does not sound like an arrangement that you like and enjoy. Can you either, a) quit your job so you have free time in the evenings with your husband and children or b) get a day job and put the kids in 9-5 daycare for a few years? Because right now, you are alone with the kids 12ish hours a day, then you go to work, presumably with at least a FEW interruptions either from the babies or from your husband asking you if the stuff in the dishwasher is clean/where the baby's hat is/if he can use the chicken breast in the fridge...whatever. Right? I mean, do you go in your office and shut the door for five hours and no one knocks? (Even if you DO do that, that's after being alone with your THREE small children for 12 hours, one of whom is breastfeeding, my God)
Of course you're exhausted, of course you're burned out and angry. This is a deeply unsustainable system for you and your family. You need to be doing less paying work AND less childcare, both, fullstop.
Any work that requires daycare will pay about as much as daycare costs- you are better off cutting back on everything and not working.
I totally disagree with this and actually think that going back to full-time paid work on a 9-5 shift could be a great solution for the OP (again, OP, if you feel comfortable with that and that is something that you think might work for your family). Here's why:
-It gets you off the night shift, and frees up the evenings for you and your husband to parent and enjoy the kids TOGETHER. Right now, you both essentially are single parents- you during the day while he works, him at night while you work. Is your family life any easier on the weekends? That is why; because you have two better-rested adults to chip in.
-A lot of couples look at daycare costs and think, "Well, Mom would make 40k and daycare costs 40k, so it doesn't make sense." But caring for the kids is not uniquely your responsibility, so you should be considering daycare as a cost of your combined incomes, half of which comes out of your salary and half of which comes out of your husband's. And that price tag goes down significantly once your oldest goes to school, and again a couple years later when the next baby goes to kindergarten.
-If you break even on daycare, you will be in exactly the same situation you are in now, cashwise, with possibly better benefits and the ability to interact with adults during the day. BUT, you will DEFINITELY build your resume AND your salary history and earning power, which puts you in an AMAZING position to take on different/better things once your children are in full-time school is just FOUR AND A HALF (assuming your baby is about six months old) short years.
I don't know the solution to everything, but it really sounds like your childcare situation is unsustainable, and I hope you will explore some different options. Best of luck.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 8:09 PM on April 14, 2012 [18 favorites]
Okay, so, it's very possible that you have strong feelings about working full-time as a mom, and if so please disregard this because it is not a judgment on you at all and I want you to do that if that is what you want, but this does not sound like an arrangement that you like and enjoy. Can you either, a) quit your job so you have free time in the evenings with your husband and children or b) get a day job and put the kids in 9-5 daycare for a few years? Because right now, you are alone with the kids 12ish hours a day, then you go to work, presumably with at least a FEW interruptions either from the babies or from your husband asking you if the stuff in the dishwasher is clean/where the baby's hat is/if he can use the chicken breast in the fridge...whatever. Right? I mean, do you go in your office and shut the door for five hours and no one knocks? (Even if you DO do that, that's after being alone with your THREE small children for 12 hours, one of whom is breastfeeding, my God)
Of course you're exhausted, of course you're burned out and angry. This is a deeply unsustainable system for you and your family. You need to be doing less paying work AND less childcare, both, fullstop.
Any work that requires daycare will pay about as much as daycare costs- you are better off cutting back on everything and not working.
I totally disagree with this and actually think that going back to full-time paid work on a 9-5 shift could be a great solution for the OP (again, OP, if you feel comfortable with that and that is something that you think might work for your family). Here's why:
-It gets you off the night shift, and frees up the evenings for you and your husband to parent and enjoy the kids TOGETHER. Right now, you both essentially are single parents- you during the day while he works, him at night while you work. Is your family life any easier on the weekends? That is why; because you have two better-rested adults to chip in.
-A lot of couples look at daycare costs and think, "Well, Mom would make 40k and daycare costs 40k, so it doesn't make sense." But caring for the kids is not uniquely your responsibility, so you should be considering daycare as a cost of your combined incomes, half of which comes out of your salary and half of which comes out of your husband's. And that price tag goes down significantly once your oldest goes to school, and again a couple years later when the next baby goes to kindergarten.
-If you break even on daycare, you will be in exactly the same situation you are in now, cashwise, with possibly better benefits and the ability to interact with adults during the day. BUT, you will DEFINITELY build your resume AND your salary history and earning power, which puts you in an AMAZING position to take on different/better things once your children are in full-time school is just FOUR AND A HALF (assuming your baby is about six months old) short years.
I don't know the solution to everything, but it really sounds like your childcare situation is unsustainable, and I hope you will explore some different options. Best of luck.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 8:09 PM on April 14, 2012 [18 favorites]
You have three kids under five and are working in the evening hours. That alone is enough to make a person feel extremely overwhelmed. On top of this you suffer from depression. You are going through a lot.
This might not be a time issue but a depression issue but I never understood how (new) moms never get a shower. I am not judging you in the least but there are ways to take a shower when you have kids. While the two older kids are in preschool, take a shower while the baby naps. Take a shower at night when they are all bedded down. While the older kids are in preschool, bring baby in the bath with you or set baby in a bouncy seat, activity center, or baby gym right outside shower door. I used to do this last suggestion all of the time with my babies.
I was going to suggest to drop the volunteer gigs like a bad habit. The last thing you need is additional outside obligations on your plate. Since you enjoy it, keep it up. If you didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't think twice about dropping it. At this point in time you needn't feel guilty or obligated to volunteer.
Do you have a local YMCA you can join? My YMCA has childcare and a pool and showers. You could drop your kids off at childcare, exercise to help with your depression, and then take a shower -- alone. Sign the kids up for swimming lessons. Meet other parents that are at the Y. Look on the bulletin board, or advertise, for responsible teen mother's helper for this summer and evenings.
If your husband can't take a day off make an appointment with doctor and bring your crawling baby while the two older kids are in preschool. Speaking of preschool, have you hooked up with any parents there? After preschool do you hang out on the playground and chat with the other moms?
What kind of enrichment classes are you doing? Are you doing things stuff like Kindermusik where you can meet other parents to hang out with? When my kids were babies, toddlers, and preschoolers I had a group of other moms who I hung out with. We would stay out for hours during the day because home is where we would pull our hair out. If possible, join a group where there are other moms present so you can go out to the park for a picnic after your mommy and me class.
Others might trash this idea but let the husband chore thing go. You can complain and nag until the cows come home and he may still forget. He can help pick up on the weekends. During the week when he is working 12 hour days let it go. Choose not to be angry. Let him do chores on the weekend. Speaking of weekends, what are you doing on weekends? Use this time to get out for a few hours on your own.
During the week pack up the kids and get out during the day. I know this can be tough but you can do it. Strap the crawling baby in the stroller and get out. Your public library system most likely has story time/toddler/preschooler activities. Investigate. Check out Little Gym and other places in your community where you can bring your kids.
I have suffered from depression when my kids were little. I am thankful I had a good support system but I was not totally immune from the ravages of depression and feelings of overwhelm. When I was really overwhelmed I would kind of shut down, sit on the couch in front of the computer or TV and worry about how overwhelmed I was. This becomes a bad habit. You have the power to make changes and have more fun with your kids. Hang out in the kitchen. Bake something. Play some Janice Joplin at full volume, or other music you like, and dance with the kids. Finger paint. If you have a yard sit on a blanket and have snacks and blow bubbles. Strap the kid in the high chair and put the toddlers in front of the TV if you have to while you cook yourself something to eat. You can and should enjoy your kids but sometimes it's all about survival. Keep asking everyone you know for babysitter recommendations. This phase won't last forever. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 8:13 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This might not be a time issue but a depression issue but I never understood how (new) moms never get a shower. I am not judging you in the least but there are ways to take a shower when you have kids. While the two older kids are in preschool, take a shower while the baby naps. Take a shower at night when they are all bedded down. While the older kids are in preschool, bring baby in the bath with you or set baby in a bouncy seat, activity center, or baby gym right outside shower door. I used to do this last suggestion all of the time with my babies.
I was going to suggest to drop the volunteer gigs like a bad habit. The last thing you need is additional outside obligations on your plate. Since you enjoy it, keep it up. If you didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't think twice about dropping it. At this point in time you needn't feel guilty or obligated to volunteer.
Do you have a local YMCA you can join? My YMCA has childcare and a pool and showers. You could drop your kids off at childcare, exercise to help with your depression, and then take a shower -- alone. Sign the kids up for swimming lessons. Meet other parents that are at the Y. Look on the bulletin board, or advertise, for responsible teen mother's helper for this summer and evenings.
If your husband can't take a day off make an appointment with doctor and bring your crawling baby while the two older kids are in preschool. Speaking of preschool, have you hooked up with any parents there? After preschool do you hang out on the playground and chat with the other moms?
What kind of enrichment classes are you doing? Are you doing things stuff like Kindermusik where you can meet other parents to hang out with? When my kids were babies, toddlers, and preschoolers I had a group of other moms who I hung out with. We would stay out for hours during the day because home is where we would pull our hair out. If possible, join a group where there are other moms present so you can go out to the park for a picnic after your mommy and me class.
Others might trash this idea but let the husband chore thing go. You can complain and nag until the cows come home and he may still forget. He can help pick up on the weekends. During the week when he is working 12 hour days let it go. Choose not to be angry. Let him do chores on the weekend. Speaking of weekends, what are you doing on weekends? Use this time to get out for a few hours on your own.
During the week pack up the kids and get out during the day. I know this can be tough but you can do it. Strap the crawling baby in the stroller and get out. Your public library system most likely has story time/toddler/preschooler activities. Investigate. Check out Little Gym and other places in your community where you can bring your kids.
I have suffered from depression when my kids were little. I am thankful I had a good support system but I was not totally immune from the ravages of depression and feelings of overwhelm. When I was really overwhelmed I would kind of shut down, sit on the couch in front of the computer or TV and worry about how overwhelmed I was. This becomes a bad habit. You have the power to make changes and have more fun with your kids. Hang out in the kitchen. Bake something. Play some Janice Joplin at full volume, or other music you like, and dance with the kids. Finger paint. If you have a yard sit on a blanket and have snacks and blow bubbles. Strap the kid in the high chair and put the toddlers in front of the TV if you have to while you cook yourself something to eat. You can and should enjoy your kids but sometimes it's all about survival. Keep asking everyone you know for babysitter recommendations. This phase won't last forever. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 8:13 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
(Regarding vitamins) I'm sure everyone is going to send you to the doctor. I'm telling you the one easy great thing you can do for yourself right now, especially because doctors often forget to highlight something this basic.
The reason doctors probably won't tell you to take multivitamins and supplements is because you probably don't need them. The vast majority of people get enough of this stuff through diet. Multivitamins mostly exist to make money for the manufacturers.
Anyway, postpartum depression is a real and serious thing caused chemically by estrogen deficiency. Even if your life was perfect, you might still be depressed due to this fact alone- the fact that everything is awful, though, is certainly not helping.
The other thing about depression is that it's thought to have more than one cause, and of course, based on your brain chemistry it varies in severity. This is why antidepressants require some tinkering upfront- if it's not working well for you, chances are good you either need a different dose or a different medication. In general they start you on the lowest dose to see if that's effective, knowing it might not be, and THEN once they've seen how you respond to the low dose they can increase it if necessary. It really does just vary from person to person. You also don't say how long you've been on it, but if it's been less than 8 weeks you might not be experiencing the full effect. Anyway, if it's not working, your doctor should be able help you. I highly recommend that you talk to him/ her about it because antidepressants really need to be tailored to individuals through trial and error. Some people have depression that's more related to one neurotransmitter, while others have depression related to another one, which is another reason why switching to a different type of medication can be a useful avenue to try if your current one isn't working.
The other thing about antidepressants is, they don't actually change your brain to simply reduce the symptoms and make you feel better. They make your brain more receptive to the change that occurs when you do talk therapy. Either antidepressant use, or talk therapy, used alone, are not nearly effective as the combination of the two. Basically, antidepressants enhance the benefit you get from talk therapy, so if you're going to do one you should really do your best to try and do both. Even though your schedule is rough, if you want to feel better it should really be your priority to get your dosages where they need to be and see your therapist on a regular basis. Once you get your depression under control it should be easier to deal with the rest of it. Unfortunately it doesn't work as well the other way around- even if some of the problems in your life did resolve, if you're depressed due to a chemical thing you'll still be depressed and it will still be hard to deal with even small things.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 8:14 PM on April 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
The reason doctors probably won't tell you to take multivitamins and supplements is because you probably don't need them. The vast majority of people get enough of this stuff through diet. Multivitamins mostly exist to make money for the manufacturers.
Anyway, postpartum depression is a real and serious thing caused chemically by estrogen deficiency. Even if your life was perfect, you might still be depressed due to this fact alone- the fact that everything is awful, though, is certainly not helping.
The other thing about depression is that it's thought to have more than one cause, and of course, based on your brain chemistry it varies in severity. This is why antidepressants require some tinkering upfront- if it's not working well for you, chances are good you either need a different dose or a different medication. In general they start you on the lowest dose to see if that's effective, knowing it might not be, and THEN once they've seen how you respond to the low dose they can increase it if necessary. It really does just vary from person to person. You also don't say how long you've been on it, but if it's been less than 8 weeks you might not be experiencing the full effect. Anyway, if it's not working, your doctor should be able help you. I highly recommend that you talk to him/ her about it because antidepressants really need to be tailored to individuals through trial and error. Some people have depression that's more related to one neurotransmitter, while others have depression related to another one, which is another reason why switching to a different type of medication can be a useful avenue to try if your current one isn't working.
The other thing about antidepressants is, they don't actually change your brain to simply reduce the symptoms and make you feel better. They make your brain more receptive to the change that occurs when you do talk therapy. Either antidepressant use, or talk therapy, used alone, are not nearly effective as the combination of the two. Basically, antidepressants enhance the benefit you get from talk therapy, so if you're going to do one you should really do your best to try and do both. Even though your schedule is rough, if you want to feel better it should really be your priority to get your dosages where they need to be and see your therapist on a regular basis. Once you get your depression under control it should be easier to deal with the rest of it. Unfortunately it doesn't work as well the other way around- even if some of the problems in your life did resolve, if you're depressed due to a chemical thing you'll still be depressed and it will still be hard to deal with even small things.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 8:14 PM on April 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
As a 24-year-old without a husband or children, I don't have a lot of experience in this field, but I just wanted to chime in anyway to say I feel for you.
A couple thoughts:
My extended family doesn't know how bad I'm doing right now. My husband has only one living relative, who has a lot of problems and isn't someone who can help with the house or the children or anything like that. My friends are great but they all work 9-5. They also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed and I don't think they can help.
--I know it can feel embarrassing to reach out and let people know you could use support, but something interesting is that sometimes people quite love to be in this role, and you don't even know it until you let them know it's useful. Some people get caught up in a routine with work or life and feel a bit bored; knowing they can be of help to someone they care about can remind them what matters and give more meaning to what might be lull in their own lives. Do you have any friends who are single, childless, or just seem to be rather comfortable? Let them know you're stressed to the max. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and your better friends will do what they can to support you.
My relationship with my husband is so bad -- I'm so angry at him all the time, for no reason -- and I NEED to fix that but I don't even no where to start.
--If he doesn't already, please let your husband know you're aware that your anger is motivated by your mood and not necessarily his actions. You can still be angry, and he can still know that you're angry, but if you're able to recognize times it's out of control but not rational, it's essential to point that out. You need to be working together on getting you feeling better, so while your brain is telling you to feel enraged (and I can only imagine, if a guy put three humans in me and I became the primary caretaker), recognize that stress levels/depression can eat your ability to stabilize your mood logically, but it sounds like your husband is still on your side so you've got to find a way to be a team and make sure he knows both your feelings and that you know where they're coming from.
Doctor's visit needs to be a priority. What the chemicals in your brain are doing is not your fault. If what you're taking isn't working, trying something different is necessary.
I feel for you! Have a mug of tea if you can before bed.
posted by aintthattheway at 8:35 PM on April 14, 2012
A couple thoughts:
My extended family doesn't know how bad I'm doing right now. My husband has only one living relative, who has a lot of problems and isn't someone who can help with the house or the children or anything like that. My friends are great but they all work 9-5. They also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed and I don't think they can help.
--I know it can feel embarrassing to reach out and let people know you could use support, but something interesting is that sometimes people quite love to be in this role, and you don't even know it until you let them know it's useful. Some people get caught up in a routine with work or life and feel a bit bored; knowing they can be of help to someone they care about can remind them what matters and give more meaning to what might be lull in their own lives. Do you have any friends who are single, childless, or just seem to be rather comfortable? Let them know you're stressed to the max. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and your better friends will do what they can to support you.
My relationship with my husband is so bad -- I'm so angry at him all the time, for no reason -- and I NEED to fix that but I don't even no where to start.
--If he doesn't already, please let your husband know you're aware that your anger is motivated by your mood and not necessarily his actions. You can still be angry, and he can still know that you're angry, but if you're able to recognize times it's out of control but not rational, it's essential to point that out. You need to be working together on getting you feeling better, so while your brain is telling you to feel enraged (and I can only imagine, if a guy put three humans in me and I became the primary caretaker), recognize that stress levels/depression can eat your ability to stabilize your mood logically, but it sounds like your husband is still on your side so you've got to find a way to be a team and make sure he knows both your feelings and that you know where they're coming from.
Doctor's visit needs to be a priority. What the chemicals in your brain are doing is not your fault. If what you're taking isn't working, trying something different is necessary.
I feel for you! Have a mug of tea if you can before bed.
posted by aintthattheway at 8:35 PM on April 14, 2012
I agree you should take vitamins, especially vitamin D. Most people do *not* get adequate nutrition from their food, because the food most people eat is processed to the point where there's very little nutrition left. Even "fresh" produce was probably picked two weeks before it got to your table. Get yourself a really good multivitamin from a health food store. And the new guidelines for vitamin D suggest 2000 - 4000 IU. Personally, I felt a lot better when I started taking 2000 IU a day, even though I get a fair amount of sunshine.
But the very first thing I thought of when I read your story was post-partum depression. Get thee to a doctor and get your hormone levels checked and whatever else they need to do to figure that out.
And don't feel bad about not showering. Babies and children don't feel any need to cooperate with adults' schedules, including sleeping when you'd like them to, and lots and lots of moms with new babies have a hard time finding the time to bathe. Perhaps your husband watch them for 15-20 minutes in the evening while you shower? Can you bring them all into the bathroom with you?
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:36 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
But the very first thing I thought of when I read your story was post-partum depression. Get thee to a doctor and get your hormone levels checked and whatever else they need to do to figure that out.
And don't feel bad about not showering. Babies and children don't feel any need to cooperate with adults' schedules, including sleeping when you'd like them to, and lots and lots of moms with new babies have a hard time finding the time to bathe. Perhaps your husband watch them for 15-20 minutes in the evening while you shower? Can you bring them all into the bathroom with you?
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:36 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you're in the Austin, TX area I would love to give you a break and babysit.
THe suggestion about the YMCA is great. If a membership fee is intimidating, let them know your expenses and they can get you a reduced rate. The one by me even has computers and things, though my sister goes pretty much so she can have a break and it just happens to be that she exercises during that time.
posted by raccoon409 at 8:41 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
THe suggestion about the YMCA is great. If a membership fee is intimidating, let them know your expenses and they can get you a reduced rate. The one by me even has computers and things, though my sister goes pretty much so she can have a break and it just happens to be that she exercises during that time.
posted by raccoon409 at 8:41 PM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
The reason doctors probably won't tell you to take multivitamins and supplements is because you probably don't need them. The vast majority of people get enough of this stuff through diet. Multivitamins mostly exist to make money for the manufacturers.
Well, she did say she was too burnt out and tired to eat.
Anon, you are burning the candle at both ends. This is something you and your husband need to tackle together. I also agree that even if you're "breaking even" or even losing a couple bucks on childcare that it can most definitely be worth it to pay for outside care - for lots of different reasons. However, it sounds like you are not paying for childcare and also working. I would urge you to ask every stay at home parent you know with young kids to try and work out a trade. You take their kid for one day a week, maybe a half day even, and they take yours. Great interaction for the kid and you will get a much needed break. Your husband can also reach out to his network.
I only have 1 baby. And things are pretty easy in my life compared to what you are going through. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, all it takes is a 30 minute break. 30 minutes to walk away, know that my kid is safe (with Dad or family), close my eyes, eat a meal in peace and suddenly I'm back! I don't think you are getting that. You deserve the time to recharge and I think you can find it but something has got to give. Find 1 thing with your husband and throw it out. Don't look back. Once you start the process if elimination, keep going. You may not achieve total balance (a myth) but you may get closer. Consider breast feeding as something that might need to go. It's so physically demanding and I think you'd find your energy to be a bit better without it. But talk with a doctor first because the hormones coming off breastfeeding can be nuts.
posted by amanda at 8:42 PM on April 14, 2012
Well, she did say she was too burnt out and tired to eat.
Anon, you are burning the candle at both ends. This is something you and your husband need to tackle together. I also agree that even if you're "breaking even" or even losing a couple bucks on childcare that it can most definitely be worth it to pay for outside care - for lots of different reasons. However, it sounds like you are not paying for childcare and also working. I would urge you to ask every stay at home parent you know with young kids to try and work out a trade. You take their kid for one day a week, maybe a half day even, and they take yours. Great interaction for the kid and you will get a much needed break. Your husband can also reach out to his network.
I only have 1 baby. And things are pretty easy in my life compared to what you are going through. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, all it takes is a 30 minute break. 30 minutes to walk away, know that my kid is safe (with Dad or family), close my eyes, eat a meal in peace and suddenly I'm back! I don't think you are getting that. You deserve the time to recharge and I think you can find it but something has got to give. Find 1 thing with your husband and throw it out. Don't look back. Once you start the process if elimination, keep going. You may not achieve total balance (a myth) but you may get closer. Consider breast feeding as something that might need to go. It's so physically demanding and I think you'd find your energy to be a bit better without it. But talk with a doctor first because the hormones coming off breastfeeding can be nuts.
posted by amanda at 8:42 PM on April 14, 2012
Really good advice in this thread already. Just throwing in that a lot of churches have "mom's morning out" programs which you may not have to be a member to use.
posted by lakeroon at 8:53 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by lakeroon at 8:53 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I just went through a similar situation and my heart goes out to you. In addition to the many excellent suggestions here I would see your primary doctor and ask that they check your thyroid and vitamin d levels. Also, if the panic attacks are a big part of your problem you can ask for a break through medication to control them while they adjust your main depression/anxiety medication. I used a low dose of Lorazepam to get me through my rough period. It will get better. People are willing to help if you ask.
posted by MadMadam at 8:53 PM on April 14, 2012
posted by MadMadam at 8:53 PM on April 14, 2012
OP here with a sockpuppet account.
"Can your husband take a morning off (sick day or vacation day) to watch the kids while you see a psychiatrist to get your meds adjusted?"
Maybe. It feels like we have a lot coming up with all the kids' yearly well-child appointments and there's been a ton of well-baby appointments and we're both nervous about him taking days off so soon after unemployment. I also sort-of feel like what I need is the weekly therapist, which is hard to manage.
"As for not "imposing on" your less-close friends who are full-time parents, think about proposing a swap."
This I've considered, but I'm not sure I have the energy to watch someone else's kid, which feels rotten to say.
Vitamins: I had bloodwork done after the birth and I'm on vitamins adjusted to that, plus extra D.
Babysitting co-op: Haven't been able to find one. Community center: No sitting
katypickle (and others who offered): I *wish* I lived in Chicago by you! Thank you for the offer.
Phone session: I will call the therapist's office and see about this. Since there's such an emphasis on extended families around here, people aren't always very accommodating when I don't have extended family available to watch the kids, but I haven't actually asked if she'll do a phone session. That sounds on the one hand horrible, since I hate the phone, but on the other hand, it's something I can actually do to help.
Friends and family: I just feel really awkward about this. Of my three closest friends, one is having her first baby in four weeks, one having HER first baby in eight weeks, and one's husband just left her. Moreover, they all really stepped up earlier this year and were awesome when my husband got laid off and we had the family death. So I feel awkward going back to the well, and I feel like this is a time THEY need ME. My parents' crisis is probably time-limited and will be over by mid-May but I just really can't -- I can't add to what they're coping with right now. My siblings can only sympathize via phone and I'm pretty sure if they knew what was going on they'd tell my parents and I just can't add to their current stress. So I just -- I just don't feel like I can ask right now.
Exercise: Been trying to go walking every day it's not pouring rain. Also been trying to have the kids play outside to wear them out and so I can get some sun. Sporadic yoga.
"Your husband's life is crap right now too. He isn't home for 12 hours of every day. When he gets home, he has to meet the demands of 4 people. And, he needs some time to unwind. Understand that he is not up for doing chores right now."
I know. But, these are things like putting the dishes in the dishwasher or putting his own (just his own) laundry away/in the hamper, so that he has clothes to wear to work and I can cook dinner. I've tried to minimized what he has to do at home as much as I can.
Husband working 4x10 or from home one day a week: This early in the job, it's not very feasible. He's in a sort-of high profile leadership position, in a job that's really a dream job, especially for someone so young. I think there will be more flexibility as he has more time on the job but it's pretty early for that, and it's a busy time at his work right now. He's been really strict about protecting his weekends and home time.
@fairchild: I am doing all those things with my kids, and with the mommy & me, and this is part of why I'm so exhausted. Being entertaining, on-the-go mommy is exhausting.
Shower: It's not that I'm so desperate to shower. It's just that I'm too tired to care whether I shower or not. And then I get so depressed when I see my horrible clothes that I feel like it doesn't even matter.
posted by Sockish American at 8:54 PM on April 14, 2012
"Can your husband take a morning off (sick day or vacation day) to watch the kids while you see a psychiatrist to get your meds adjusted?"
Maybe. It feels like we have a lot coming up with all the kids' yearly well-child appointments and there's been a ton of well-baby appointments and we're both nervous about him taking days off so soon after unemployment. I also sort-of feel like what I need is the weekly therapist, which is hard to manage.
"As for not "imposing on" your less-close friends who are full-time parents, think about proposing a swap."
This I've considered, but I'm not sure I have the energy to watch someone else's kid, which feels rotten to say.
Vitamins: I had bloodwork done after the birth and I'm on vitamins adjusted to that, plus extra D.
Babysitting co-op: Haven't been able to find one. Community center: No sitting
katypickle (and others who offered): I *wish* I lived in Chicago by you! Thank you for the offer.
Phone session: I will call the therapist's office and see about this. Since there's such an emphasis on extended families around here, people aren't always very accommodating when I don't have extended family available to watch the kids, but I haven't actually asked if she'll do a phone session. That sounds on the one hand horrible, since I hate the phone, but on the other hand, it's something I can actually do to help.
Friends and family: I just feel really awkward about this. Of my three closest friends, one is having her first baby in four weeks, one having HER first baby in eight weeks, and one's husband just left her. Moreover, they all really stepped up earlier this year and were awesome when my husband got laid off and we had the family death. So I feel awkward going back to the well, and I feel like this is a time THEY need ME. My parents' crisis is probably time-limited and will be over by mid-May but I just really can't -- I can't add to what they're coping with right now. My siblings can only sympathize via phone and I'm pretty sure if they knew what was going on they'd tell my parents and I just can't add to their current stress. So I just -- I just don't feel like I can ask right now.
Exercise: Been trying to go walking every day it's not pouring rain. Also been trying to have the kids play outside to wear them out and so I can get some sun. Sporadic yoga.
"Your husband's life is crap right now too. He isn't home for 12 hours of every day. When he gets home, he has to meet the demands of 4 people. And, he needs some time to unwind. Understand that he is not up for doing chores right now."
I know. But, these are things like putting the dishes in the dishwasher or putting his own (just his own) laundry away/in the hamper, so that he has clothes to wear to work and I can cook dinner. I've tried to minimized what he has to do at home as much as I can.
Husband working 4x10 or from home one day a week: This early in the job, it's not very feasible. He's in a sort-of high profile leadership position, in a job that's really a dream job, especially for someone so young. I think there will be more flexibility as he has more time on the job but it's pretty early for that, and it's a busy time at his work right now. He's been really strict about protecting his weekends and home time.
@fairchild: I am doing all those things with my kids, and with the mommy & me, and this is part of why I'm so exhausted. Being entertaining, on-the-go mommy is exhausting.
Shower: It's not that I'm so desperate to shower. It's just that I'm too tired to care whether I shower or not. And then I get so depressed when I see my horrible clothes that I feel like it doesn't even matter.
posted by Sockish American at 8:54 PM on April 14, 2012
OP again:
"Can you either, a) quit your job so you have free time in the evenings with your husband and children or b) get a day job and put the kids in 9-5 daycare for a few years? Because right now, you are alone with the kids 12ish hours a day, then you go to work,"
This is something I've been going round and round on, and I just don't know how to tackle it. I mostly do my work while watching the kids, actually, working online during their naps or when I can convince them to play quietly. So it's even worse than you suppose!
I am reluctant to quit because it's not difficult work that I can do from home that looks good on my resume and helps keep me from having a giant hole for when I go back into the workforce full-time. (I do have advanced degrees.) On the other hand, full-time work and full-time childcare might be the answer here. But it's just hard to know how to even begin. I'm ambivalent about putting my kids in daycare so young, and I do, selfishly, want to be home with them. (We also decided as a family to have a parent at home, but I know we could renegotiate.) Putting my resume out after being out of the full-time workforce would be difficult; then I'd have to find sitters for interview days; and I'd have to find clothes to interview in (and none of my clothes fit); and just the thought of it is all so exhausting. How could I be a good employee when I'm so tired? And there are so many hurdles to climb to even start to look for a job.
I'm also concerned that where we live now (or where my husband works now, if we move), the industry I would work in is so small. I have concerns about job availability, and I feel sort-of foolish putting my name out there when everyone knows everyone and they'll all talk about it. I put out some resumes and applied for some jobs when my husband was unemployed and, as you know, it's not pretty out there, so that was pretty discouraging.
I have been letting my network know that I'm on the lookout in case the right sort of thing comes up, but I haven't been hearing a lot.
So, yeah, this is a big old thing that I've been at least thinking about.
posted by Sockish American at 9:06 PM on April 14, 2012
"Can you either, a) quit your job so you have free time in the evenings with your husband and children or b) get a day job and put the kids in 9-5 daycare for a few years? Because right now, you are alone with the kids 12ish hours a day, then you go to work,"
This is something I've been going round and round on, and I just don't know how to tackle it. I mostly do my work while watching the kids, actually, working online during their naps or when I can convince them to play quietly. So it's even worse than you suppose!
I am reluctant to quit because it's not difficult work that I can do from home that looks good on my resume and helps keep me from having a giant hole for when I go back into the workforce full-time. (I do have advanced degrees.) On the other hand, full-time work and full-time childcare might be the answer here. But it's just hard to know how to even begin. I'm ambivalent about putting my kids in daycare so young, and I do, selfishly, want to be home with them. (We also decided as a family to have a parent at home, but I know we could renegotiate.) Putting my resume out after being out of the full-time workforce would be difficult; then I'd have to find sitters for interview days; and I'd have to find clothes to interview in (and none of my clothes fit); and just the thought of it is all so exhausting. How could I be a good employee when I'm so tired? And there are so many hurdles to climb to even start to look for a job.
I'm also concerned that where we live now (or where my husband works now, if we move), the industry I would work in is so small. I have concerns about job availability, and I feel sort-of foolish putting my name out there when everyone knows everyone and they'll all talk about it. I put out some resumes and applied for some jobs when my husband was unemployed and, as you know, it's not pretty out there, so that was pretty discouraging.
I have been letting my network know that I'm on the lookout in case the right sort of thing comes up, but I haven't been hearing a lot.
So, yeah, this is a big old thing that I've been at least thinking about.
posted by Sockish American at 9:06 PM on April 14, 2012
FWIW you may not actually be desperate to shower, but it is both a literally and metaphorically cleansing experience. ::scattered groans from audience:: I second whoever said bath/shower should be a priority "You Time" experience every day. Given how logical and orderly your thought process is in the depths of current depression, I think the few minutes to yourself would be particularly satisfying in composing your thoughts and plans for the day. Besides coming out physically refreshed, I imagine this would also mentally refresh and relax you. Very best wishes to you.
posted by keasby at 9:07 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by keasby at 9:07 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you have more than good enough reason to feel down; you're taking on a lot, and it's taking a toll on you like it would on anyone in your position. So there's nothing wrong with you, really, other than the situation you've found yourself in, and that's hardly your fault.
So, really you'll need to focus on sitting down with your husband ASAP to let him know how you're feeling about this, and to work with him to find options that might make things easier on you. Considering he has a long commute and is bringing in the majority of the money, though, there might not be a lot he can do on his end at this point -- but there's no reason not to ask. Moving to another location may seem out of line, but would doing it bring him closer to his job AND bring you closer to your support system? If so, then definitely consider it rather than ruling it out. And for those chores, would you be happier if he came home and took care of the kids himself for an hour every night while you did them? If not, then forget I said it, but if so, then suggest it. And tell him that when he forgets his chores, it really makes you feel like he doesn't care -- hopefully that will make the importance of his chores clear to him. A drag when you have to mother your husband, I understand.
And you can do your part to make your own life easier. I don't mean take on more. Rather, I mean take on less. Yes, having volunteer positions gets you out more and makes you happy, but why not take a few weeks off, and use that time to get caught up on sleep (which will make you happier) and shop for properly-fitting clothes (which will also make you happier)? It is a small thing, but sometimes starting with a few small things can really make the other stuff easier, and takes the pressure off of you having to fix it all at once.
Oh, and one more thing: when my kids were younger (twins, they're six now) I was absolutely convinced (for various reasons) that I had to keep them busy all the time, shuttling them to and fro and always paying attention to them. How foolish I was! Now I realize that they need time to themselves, and that if they have a day or a weekend of no classes, no projects and no responsibilities, they might actually grow up happier than if their lives are scheduled and busy all the time. So don't be afraid to do less with them sometimes, to take some time (even fifteen minutes) to yourself, or to just focus on the youngest kid, and take the pressure off yourself a little bit. Having some personal time to be bored (and to figure out what to do with that feeling) will help them, as will having a mother who's a little more relaxed herself. You can be a great mom, and arguably a better mom, without being a constantly-on mom.
Whatever you and your husband do, I wish you the best, and as your oldest child can take on responsibilities (cleaning and so on), don't be afraid to give those responsibilities over.
posted by davejay at 9:10 PM on April 14, 2012
So, really you'll need to focus on sitting down with your husband ASAP to let him know how you're feeling about this, and to work with him to find options that might make things easier on you. Considering he has a long commute and is bringing in the majority of the money, though, there might not be a lot he can do on his end at this point -- but there's no reason not to ask. Moving to another location may seem out of line, but would doing it bring him closer to his job AND bring you closer to your support system? If so, then definitely consider it rather than ruling it out. And for those chores, would you be happier if he came home and took care of the kids himself for an hour every night while you did them? If not, then forget I said it, but if so, then suggest it. And tell him that when he forgets his chores, it really makes you feel like he doesn't care -- hopefully that will make the importance of his chores clear to him. A drag when you have to mother your husband, I understand.
And you can do your part to make your own life easier. I don't mean take on more. Rather, I mean take on less. Yes, having volunteer positions gets you out more and makes you happy, but why not take a few weeks off, and use that time to get caught up on sleep (which will make you happier) and shop for properly-fitting clothes (which will also make you happier)? It is a small thing, but sometimes starting with a few small things can really make the other stuff easier, and takes the pressure off of you having to fix it all at once.
Oh, and one more thing: when my kids were younger (twins, they're six now) I was absolutely convinced (for various reasons) that I had to keep them busy all the time, shuttling them to and fro and always paying attention to them. How foolish I was! Now I realize that they need time to themselves, and that if they have a day or a weekend of no classes, no projects and no responsibilities, they might actually grow up happier than if their lives are scheduled and busy all the time. So don't be afraid to do less with them sometimes, to take some time (even fifteen minutes) to yourself, or to just focus on the youngest kid, and take the pressure off yourself a little bit. Having some personal time to be bored (and to figure out what to do with that feeling) will help them, as will having a mother who's a little more relaxed herself. You can be a great mom, and arguably a better mom, without being a constantly-on mom.
Whatever you and your husband do, I wish you the best, and as your oldest child can take on responsibilities (cleaning and so on), don't be afraid to give those responsibilities over.
posted by davejay at 9:10 PM on April 14, 2012
Action Plan for Monday: Call doctor's office about meds; call health insurer about therapist (new rules, don't want to get screwed). Call therapist if time (otherwise call Tuesday).
It helped to at least spell it all out and have you guys tell me I'm rightfully overwhelmed and not nuts. It had definitely not occurred to me that I could do a phone appointment maybe. I can at least tackle phone calls to the doctors, I think/hope. Maybe after that I'll feel more like I can manage to get caught up on work and to deal with some of the other stuff. Ugh, it's all just so overwhelming, but at least I have a concrete first step.
I'll keep looking for a daytime sitter, maybe the colleges are the place to look? But again that feels like a big undertaking.
"Moving to another location may seem out of line, but would doing it bring him closer to his job AND bring you closer to your support system?"
Closer to his job, but remove our local support system and not put us nearer our out-of-town family. We're having an ongoing discussion about it.
posted by Sockish American at 9:20 PM on April 14, 2012
It helped to at least spell it all out and have you guys tell me I'm rightfully overwhelmed and not nuts. It had definitely not occurred to me that I could do a phone appointment maybe. I can at least tackle phone calls to the doctors, I think/hope. Maybe after that I'll feel more like I can manage to get caught up on work and to deal with some of the other stuff. Ugh, it's all just so overwhelming, but at least I have a concrete first step.
I'll keep looking for a daytime sitter, maybe the colleges are the place to look? But again that feels like a big undertaking.
"Moving to another location may seem out of line, but would doing it bring him closer to his job AND bring you closer to your support system?"
Closer to his job, but remove our local support system and not put us nearer our out-of-town family. We're having an ongoing discussion about it.
posted by Sockish American at 9:20 PM on April 14, 2012
I don't know if this is helpful but when I was a kid my mom used to use informal childcare through people who did daycare in their homes, rather than using professional daycare centers. It's the sort of thing I would imagine you would find now on Craigslist. If she couldn't get enough time to cover her work schedule with one of them, we'd use different ones for different days of the week. They seemed to be perfectly open to 'as needed' arrangements.
Also if your husband's commute is >1 hour or more then I would definitely seriously consider the move. I used to commute nearly an hour each way and yes, moving was painful for a few weeks, but after that we were moved and I had soooo much more spare time on my hands that it was wonderful. I think probably it would be best to work on some of the smaller issues first (like getting the weekly therapist and childcare) then consider the move.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:21 PM on April 14, 2012
Also if your husband's commute is >1 hour or more then I would definitely seriously consider the move. I used to commute nearly an hour each way and yes, moving was painful for a few weeks, but after that we were moved and I had soooo much more spare time on my hands that it was wonderful. I think probably it would be best to work on some of the smaller issues first (like getting the weekly therapist and childcare) then consider the move.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:21 PM on April 14, 2012
OP, I'm sure you don't want to out yourself, but if you indicated your location, some of us might be able to scout around to see if there's any drop-in childminding in your community. Then you could schedule a phone session with a counsellor, perhaps while using a private room there.
Alternatively, you put the TV on and go into the bedroom for the phone session. That's what I have done.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:28 PM on April 14, 2012
Alternatively, you put the TV on and go into the bedroom for the phone session. That's what I have done.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:28 PM on April 14, 2012
Sockish American, you aren't selfish for wanting a parent at home with your kids.
Apologies for suggesting day activities when you are already doing those things.
I feel your desperation and exhaustion and I wish you could have a weekend at a hotel with plenty of sleep and relaxation. Baby steps: Close the computer and get some sleep and sleep whenever you can. Drop all activities that are not necessary. You are already calling the doctor.
If you decide to move closer to your husband's job this is when you can call on family to help you pack up the place. Or, if you have the funds, movers will pack your stuff for you.
Phone sessions or Skype sessions with therapists is great idea. You are doing a great job. It's completely normal to feel desperate if you are exhausted. I am wishing you all of the luck and good health.
posted by Fairchild at 9:44 PM on April 14, 2012
Apologies for suggesting day activities when you are already doing those things.
I feel your desperation and exhaustion and I wish you could have a weekend at a hotel with plenty of sleep and relaxation. Baby steps: Close the computer and get some sleep and sleep whenever you can. Drop all activities that are not necessary. You are already calling the doctor.
If you decide to move closer to your husband's job this is when you can call on family to help you pack up the place. Or, if you have the funds, movers will pack your stuff for you.
Phone sessions or Skype sessions with therapists is great idea. You are doing a great job. It's completely normal to feel desperate if you are exhausted. I am wishing you all of the luck and good health.
posted by Fairchild at 9:44 PM on April 14, 2012
I'm ambivalent about putting my kids in daycare so young, and I do, selfishly, want to be home with them. (We also decided as a family to have a parent at home, but I know we could renegotiate.)
I posted the suggestion about going back to full-time, and I just want to say, I absolutely do not find this selfish AT ALL. If you want to be a full-time parent, I want you to do that. I want you to have a family life that looks and works the way YOU and YOUR family want it to, that makes all five of you happy, healthy and secure. I do not think that should be or look any particular way, just that that part of the equation right now caught my eye. And I truly wish you all the best as you work on this stuff.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:50 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I posted the suggestion about going back to full-time, and I just want to say, I absolutely do not find this selfish AT ALL. If you want to be a full-time parent, I want you to do that. I want you to have a family life that looks and works the way YOU and YOUR family want it to, that makes all five of you happy, healthy and secure. I do not think that should be or look any particular way, just that that part of the equation right now caught my eye. And I truly wish you all the best as you work on this stuff.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:50 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I can't add to what they're coping with right now.... So I just -- I just don't feel like I can ask right now.
Friends don't keep track of who owes whom a favor or how long it's been since you paid them back. Family shouldn't either. Go ahead and ask -- they'd probably rather you not drown than have to throw you two ropes.
posted by Etrigan at 9:54 PM on April 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Friends don't keep track of who owes whom a favor or how long it's been since you paid them back. Family shouldn't either. Go ahead and ask -- they'd probably rather you not drown than have to throw you two ropes.
posted by Etrigan at 9:54 PM on April 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
I just wanted to add that, as someone who did some babysitting/ nannying during summers while I was in college- if you do sign up for Sittercity or something like that, you might not find much right now (who knows, though, you might.) But I guarantee whenever finals are done and people start their summer break (so, this was around mid-May for myself and most people I knew) the amount of people looking for babysitting work will go way up. And I've done the mother's helper thing too, where I'd just come over for a few hours and entertain the kids while mom worked. I think it's perfectly reasonable to pay less for this than regular babysitting, since the responsibility is less. I don't think it would be unusual to hire a babysitter who's willing to do both "mother's helper" while you're there, and regular babysitting when you need to go somewhere, and pay different rates for each. Plus, if you're going to be home then you can really hire someone younger too, like a high-schooler or even a middle schooler. Do you know anyone with high school aged kids who might want a summer job? Or neighbors? I knew a 13 year old girl in my last neighborhood who was doing solid business as a "mother's helper" and she worked her ass off for dirt cheap and everyone loved her. And she loved it- compared to her friends, she was raking in money. It was a good situation for everyone as far as I could tell.
(And I just want to chime in with everybody else to say you really do have a lot on your plate, it sounds very frustrating and it would be difficult for anybody to deal with so much all at once. People get depressed/ overwhelmed over much smaller things than this. Hang in there and please don't be ashamed to ask for help or do good things for yourself!)
posted by GastrocNemesis at 9:54 PM on April 14, 2012
(And I just want to chime in with everybody else to say you really do have a lot on your plate, it sounds very frustrating and it would be difficult for anybody to deal with so much all at once. People get depressed/ overwhelmed over much smaller things than this. Hang in there and please don't be ashamed to ask for help or do good things for yourself!)
posted by GastrocNemesis at 9:54 PM on April 14, 2012
Have kids, have had post-partum depression - here's your valIdation that raising young kids sucks and it's not just you.
If I were you I'd definitely stick with the vitamins, and maybe up them - it can't hurt and even if they may be superfluous for most people, breastfeeding new moms definitely get shorted a lot of nutrition.
Also, sleep. When my first baby was little I found myself working when he slept, and I got more and more miserable and grumpy until I finally HAD to make sleep a priority. I know it's hard to wind down, especially when there are 40 other things you can be doing. But holy monkeys, does lack of sleep make me lose all perspective on life.
I truly hope things improve for you quickly. Remember that your kids think you're the best and will love you no matter what.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 10:38 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
If I were you I'd definitely stick with the vitamins, and maybe up them - it can't hurt and even if they may be superfluous for most people, breastfeeding new moms definitely get shorted a lot of nutrition.
Also, sleep. When my first baby was little I found myself working when he slept, and I got more and more miserable and grumpy until I finally HAD to make sleep a priority. I know it's hard to wind down, especially when there are 40 other things you can be doing. But holy monkeys, does lack of sleep make me lose all perspective on life.
I truly hope things improve for you quickly. Remember that your kids think you're the best and will love you no matter what.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 10:38 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Foremost, you need your meds adjusted stat.
Something has to give here. At this point, you need to put your health and wellbeing (and subsequently the health of your children and your marriage and your family) above holes in your CV. Because this is the immediate problem. The long-term problem of holes in your CV is solvable because you have kids and you're volunteering and you're entitled to a break and you're not sitting around smoking pot all day. If you can financially afford it, I would seriously suggest quitting.
You also cannot go into a full-time job without some kind of break and be successful at it.
If you can afford to, take a break for a period of time, get your meds adjusted, see how you are in 6 months, evaluate from there.
But first off you have to get better.
posted by mleigh at 10:56 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Something has to give here. At this point, you need to put your health and wellbeing (and subsequently the health of your children and your marriage and your family) above holes in your CV. Because this is the immediate problem. The long-term problem of holes in your CV is solvable because you have kids and you're volunteering and you're entitled to a break and you're not sitting around smoking pot all day. If you can financially afford it, I would seriously suggest quitting.
You also cannot go into a full-time job without some kind of break and be successful at it.
If you can afford to, take a break for a period of time, get your meds adjusted, see how you are in 6 months, evaluate from there.
But first off you have to get better.
posted by mleigh at 10:56 PM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh, I feel for you. You aren't nuts, this situation is not sustainable. You now have a plan to sort out your anti-depressants and therapy. Great! Forward momentum! It will help a lot hopefully.
Tell your friends, they will want to know. Good friends are not keeping score and will do what they can to pitch in. If one of your friends was feeling like this you would want to know wouldn't you?
I wonder if starting to carve out a different schedule would help. Like say for example the days that the two older children are in preschool. Can you get a couple of neighborhood kids who've taken a babysitting course to come to your house post-preschool and entertain all the children, feed them dinner, and bathe them while you get a good chunk of work done? Schedule doctor and therapist appointments on these days and if necessary pile everyone in the car and have the babysitters take everyone for a walk while you have your appointments? Do something like: Monday afternoons are your appointments (squeeze in lunch with a friend if you can), Tuesdays are for kid appointments, Wednesdays are park and finger-painting day and then your volunteer gigs, Thursday hubby comes home early to ease the load and you do one thing you've procrastinated, and Friday will get sorted out at some point.
Maybe having that extra bit of childcare at home and some sort of outline would help. There is no requirement to be supermom. You are allowed to "get by" for now. Your children will be fine. You will get through this but you must tell your husband and friends that you really need help, it's okay to do that.
posted by lunaazul at 12:16 AM on April 15, 2012
Tell your friends, they will want to know. Good friends are not keeping score and will do what they can to pitch in. If one of your friends was feeling like this you would want to know wouldn't you?
I wonder if starting to carve out a different schedule would help. Like say for example the days that the two older children are in preschool. Can you get a couple of neighborhood kids who've taken a babysitting course to come to your house post-preschool and entertain all the children, feed them dinner, and bathe them while you get a good chunk of work done? Schedule doctor and therapist appointments on these days and if necessary pile everyone in the car and have the babysitters take everyone for a walk while you have your appointments? Do something like: Monday afternoons are your appointments (squeeze in lunch with a friend if you can), Tuesdays are for kid appointments, Wednesdays are park and finger-painting day and then your volunteer gigs, Thursday hubby comes home early to ease the load and you do one thing you've procrastinated, and Friday will get sorted out at some point.
Maybe having that extra bit of childcare at home and some sort of outline would help. There is no requirement to be supermom. You are allowed to "get by" for now. Your children will be fine. You will get through this but you must tell your husband and friends that you really need help, it's okay to do that.
posted by lunaazul at 12:16 AM on April 15, 2012
I was a single mother from the start, lived on the opposite coast from my parents, and suffered from horrible post partum depression. I finally got treatment for it last year, when my daughter was eight. You totally have my sympathy.
Here are a bunch of small ideas, kind of brain-stormy. They don't work all together as a master plan, but one or the other might shift things enough to give you some breathing room:
- You say that you can't find someone who will take the kids "now-and-then" and that there is a two month waiting list. Can you find someone who will take them 2 or 3 days a week, every week? This was really common in home based child care when my daughter was that age. She was the only kid at her daycare provider's who went 5 days a week. If you can, get on their waiting list. Two months sounds interminable, but if you get on the list, in two months you'll have care!
- Hire someone to take care of the kids, during the day, in your home, so you can get the bulk of your work done then. Because you will be there, too, you don't have to worry as much about having a fully professional daycare provider. In a couple weeks there will be university students looking for work, in a couple months, the high schoolers.
- Take one evening and see your therapist then, instead of working. Most therapists I have gone to had evening appointments. Psychologists not so much, though. I have also done phones sessions and Skype sessions with therapists. I agree you want to do this regularly.
- What if you ditched your job for some other part time job that let you leave the house? Even three nights a week, instead of you being in your room working while your husband minds the kids, you are out somewhere dealing with people while he minds the kids. This wouldn't be advanced degree kind of work, probably more like service industry work. I'm just thinking of things that will get you out of the house without your kids and possibly give you the same boost that your volunteer work does.
- Can you take your computer to a coffee shop and do work there in the evening? Basically I'm trying to think of ways you can be away from your kids for a few hours here and there.
- Or drop the job. Don't worry about holes in your CV. First you're a woman of child-bearing age: it won't be unexpected. Second, I was worried about the same thing, so when I lost my job six months after returning from mat leave, I hung my shingle as a consultant. I was a crappy businesswoman and I barely made enough to keep us in food, but I have excellent continuous employment on my CV, including those two years as owner operator of my own company. I know other women who ran an etsy store or some other kind of home-based part time business. Just to have something for the CV. if you can take medical leave for 6 months, you won't even have a hole.
- Your working friends with kids can't help during the day, but they could help in the evenings so you and your husband could go out for a movie or a piece of cake. I had four close friends when my daughter was a baby and each came by one night a month, so that I knew I would have at least 3 hours a week to myself.
- If his job is stable, well-paying and secure, it's not a terrible idea to take on some debt to move if it is going to make your life easier. You can hire someone to pack you, move you and unpack you on the other end if you have to. It'll be expensive, but it's soooooo worth the money. How much is 10 hrs a week of your husband's time worth? I mean, literally, a dollar amount. Just imagine having his support for an extra 2-3 hours a day. I think that would be worth a lot of money to me.
posted by looli at 1:27 AM on April 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
Here are a bunch of small ideas, kind of brain-stormy. They don't work all together as a master plan, but one or the other might shift things enough to give you some breathing room:
- You say that you can't find someone who will take the kids "now-and-then" and that there is a two month waiting list. Can you find someone who will take them 2 or 3 days a week, every week? This was really common in home based child care when my daughter was that age. She was the only kid at her daycare provider's who went 5 days a week. If you can, get on their waiting list. Two months sounds interminable, but if you get on the list, in two months you'll have care!
- Hire someone to take care of the kids, during the day, in your home, so you can get the bulk of your work done then. Because you will be there, too, you don't have to worry as much about having a fully professional daycare provider. In a couple weeks there will be university students looking for work, in a couple months, the high schoolers.
- Take one evening and see your therapist then, instead of working. Most therapists I have gone to had evening appointments. Psychologists not so much, though. I have also done phones sessions and Skype sessions with therapists. I agree you want to do this regularly.
- What if you ditched your job for some other part time job that let you leave the house? Even three nights a week, instead of you being in your room working while your husband minds the kids, you are out somewhere dealing with people while he minds the kids. This wouldn't be advanced degree kind of work, probably more like service industry work. I'm just thinking of things that will get you out of the house without your kids and possibly give you the same boost that your volunteer work does.
- Can you take your computer to a coffee shop and do work there in the evening? Basically I'm trying to think of ways you can be away from your kids for a few hours here and there.
- Or drop the job. Don't worry about holes in your CV. First you're a woman of child-bearing age: it won't be unexpected. Second, I was worried about the same thing, so when I lost my job six months after returning from mat leave, I hung my shingle as a consultant. I was a crappy businesswoman and I barely made enough to keep us in food, but I have excellent continuous employment on my CV, including those two years as owner operator of my own company. I know other women who ran an etsy store or some other kind of home-based part time business. Just to have something for the CV. if you can take medical leave for 6 months, you won't even have a hole.
- Your working friends with kids can't help during the day, but they could help in the evenings so you and your husband could go out for a movie or a piece of cake. I had four close friends when my daughter was a baby and each came by one night a month, so that I knew I would have at least 3 hours a week to myself.
- If his job is stable, well-paying and secure, it's not a terrible idea to take on some debt to move if it is going to make your life easier. You can hire someone to pack you, move you and unpack you on the other end if you have to. It'll be expensive, but it's soooooo worth the money. How much is 10 hrs a week of your husband's time worth? I mean, literally, a dollar amount. Just imagine having his support for an extra 2-3 hours a day. I think that would be worth a lot of money to me.
posted by looli at 1:27 AM on April 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
If you can afford it, maybe you can ask your work if someone else can take on some of your hours for a while or take a leave of absence. If they've cut hours for everybody, there's probably someone who'd love to pick up some extra work.
posted by stray thoughts at 1:30 AM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by stray thoughts at 1:30 AM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
May I respectfully suggest that if your husband won't put his dishes in the dishwasher, you don't either, but just leave them where they are? If the cumulative effect is that you can't cook, maybe don't cook?
And if he won't put his clothes in the laundry hamper, that they won't get washed? If the cumulative effect is that he doesn't have clean clothes, then he doesn't have clean clothes?
I'm out of the house for 12 hours a day, or more, because I spend 4 hours a day commuting. It is not too hard for me to put a dish in the dishwasher or drop my dirty clothes in the clothes hamper and I don't have much sympathy for the degree of laziness that would prevent someone from making such a minuscule effort.
posted by tel3path at 2:44 AM on April 15, 2012 [11 favorites]
And if he won't put his clothes in the laundry hamper, that they won't get washed? If the cumulative effect is that he doesn't have clean clothes, then he doesn't have clean clothes?
I'm out of the house for 12 hours a day, or more, because I spend 4 hours a day commuting. It is not too hard for me to put a dish in the dishwasher or drop my dirty clothes in the clothes hamper and I don't have much sympathy for the degree of laziness that would prevent someone from making such a minuscule effort.
posted by tel3path at 2:44 AM on April 15, 2012 [11 favorites]
While you get the serious stuff like meds and the job situation sorted out, flylady.com might help you with some of the routine day to day stuff.
Some--not all--it sounds like you're overloaded. :-(
posted by The ____ of Justice at 4:34 AM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Some--not all--it sounds like you're overloaded. :-(
posted by The ____ of Justice at 4:34 AM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I posted a bit too soon as baby was not going to bed and was crying and my husband was getting increasingly frustrated as we hadn't even had dinner yet!
I really don't want to discourage breastfeeding but I strongly feel like you're not getting your basic needs met and that is going to make this whole endeavor pretty impossible. You need very high energy stores when breastfeeding -- food, water, sleep. And, naturally, on top of that, you are trying to watch kids, work, and run a household. Right now you are the engine of your home and you are running on empty. I really hope you can brainstorm with your husband how to make sure you are getting enough sleep and enough food. Have him read some of the threads here where people talk about what partners can do to support new moms or pregnant moms. I think you guys need to re-visit some of the fundamentals. I totally get how everyone can get carried away with a new program and it's hard to step back and take stock but you're beyond the breaking point.
And thumbs up to all the suggestions for finding some care and possibly re-thinking your job. Best of luck to you -- please come back and update -- I think we'd all like to hear that things are getting better!
posted by amanda at 7:35 AM on April 15, 2012
I really don't want to discourage breastfeeding but I strongly feel like you're not getting your basic needs met and that is going to make this whole endeavor pretty impossible. You need very high energy stores when breastfeeding -- food, water, sleep. And, naturally, on top of that, you are trying to watch kids, work, and run a household. Right now you are the engine of your home and you are running on empty. I really hope you can brainstorm with your husband how to make sure you are getting enough sleep and enough food. Have him read some of the threads here where people talk about what partners can do to support new moms or pregnant moms. I think you guys need to re-visit some of the fundamentals. I totally get how everyone can get carried away with a new program and it's hard to step back and take stock but you're beyond the breaking point.
And thumbs up to all the suggestions for finding some care and possibly re-thinking your job. Best of luck to you -- please come back and update -- I think we'd all like to hear that things are getting better!
posted by amanda at 7:35 AM on April 15, 2012
Don't give up when trying to reach your doctor personally. Often office staff do all they can to shield doctors from patients, and often it's justified but you have to be persistent. In the past I resorted to sending a formal letter stamped "personal and confidential" and laying out my reasons for needing to speak to my doctor, which finally netted me a personal call. The doctor never knew about my repeated attempts to reach him. I know not all offices are like this but I just wanted to throw that out there in case you felt like you were up against an administrative wall.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:35 AM on April 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:35 AM on April 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
I meant to say something last night about food. You need quick things you can stuff in your face without a lot of thought or prep. Some quick, high calorie, nutrient dense foods include:
Cheese (I basically bought a 1 kg wheel of Friulano every week or two, sliced it immediately after coming home from shopping and kept it in a big ziplock bag in the fridge. Practically instant calories when needed)
Nuts and dried fruit (I kept plastic containers of this in virtually every room and ate it by the mittfull while breastfeeding; you might have to be more creative with little ones who could choke on it, but maybe containers that are hard for little hands?)
Larabars (which are basically dried fruit and nuts)
Smoothies
For the smoothies, can you get your husband to make you one before he leaves for work in the morning so that at least you get a good start on the day? My favourite recipes:
Frozen banana + peanut butter + chocolate soy milk + soft tofu
Frozen banana + frozen berries + vanilla soymilk + plain unsweetened yogurt
Raw almonds + vanilla soymilk + soft tofu (this one is kind of crunchy, which works for me because it gives the same mouth satisfaction as a real meal)
You could use milk instead of soy for these, I suppose. I'd stay away from fruit juice smoothies because they're not going to stick with you for very long. They're just chunky juice.
I am a proponent of suspending all the rules when getting enough calories is a challenge. Slices of leftover pizza in the fridge are also fine for breakfast. Cold leftover Chinese is an excellent snack.
Also, try to prep as much on the weekend as you can while your husband is home. I think your priorities should be food, sleep, everything else. Showering is great, but eat a drumstick while you're in there. For me, the hopelessness of depression gets amplified by a million when I'm hungry. And, paradoxically, that hopelessness make me think, Ah why bother eating? Being properly fed makes everything so much easier.
posted by looli at 8:55 AM on April 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Cheese (I basically bought a 1 kg wheel of Friulano every week or two, sliced it immediately after coming home from shopping and kept it in a big ziplock bag in the fridge. Practically instant calories when needed)
Nuts and dried fruit (I kept plastic containers of this in virtually every room and ate it by the mittfull while breastfeeding; you might have to be more creative with little ones who could choke on it, but maybe containers that are hard for little hands?)
Larabars (which are basically dried fruit and nuts)
Smoothies
For the smoothies, can you get your husband to make you one before he leaves for work in the morning so that at least you get a good start on the day? My favourite recipes:
Frozen banana + peanut butter + chocolate soy milk + soft tofu
Frozen banana + frozen berries + vanilla soymilk + plain unsweetened yogurt
Raw almonds + vanilla soymilk + soft tofu (this one is kind of crunchy, which works for me because it gives the same mouth satisfaction as a real meal)
You could use milk instead of soy for these, I suppose. I'd stay away from fruit juice smoothies because they're not going to stick with you for very long. They're just chunky juice.
I am a proponent of suspending all the rules when getting enough calories is a challenge. Slices of leftover pizza in the fridge are also fine for breakfast. Cold leftover Chinese is an excellent snack.
Also, try to prep as much on the weekend as you can while your husband is home. I think your priorities should be food, sleep, everything else. Showering is great, but eat a drumstick while you're in there. For me, the hopelessness of depression gets amplified by a million when I'm hungry. And, paradoxically, that hopelessness make me think, Ah why bother eating? Being properly fed makes everything so much easier.
posted by looli at 8:55 AM on April 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think a college student babysitter/nanny sounds like just the thing. Even if it's for one month. You can catch up with work and set up systems to make it more automatic (when possible), you could make it to therapy, you could arrange a system for making meals quickly and repeatedly, you could shop for a new set of clothes. Finding a sitter is potentially something your husband can do while at work.
posted by xo at 9:00 AM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by xo at 9:00 AM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Stuff. Get rid of almost everything in your house. Your kids do not need more than 5-7 outfits. Every gift you get is clutter. Box it up or give it away. Box up or throw out everything that is in your bedroom that is above and beyond what you would find in a hotel room. Make it your sanctuary and no one is allowed to come in. Seriously, no more than 3 chatchkes/photos, etc. per room right now.
One of the biggest contributors to being overwhelmed is stuff. It exhausts our eyes. It exhausts our mental to-do list, as everything you look at your mind tells you it needs to be 'handled', adding on to your other stressors.
Find what gives you stress. Is it the dishes? Put them all away, go to the 99 cent store and buy 2 months of plates and cups. Use them. If my SO would go for it, I would go all monkish and have one bowl and one spoon.
Is it pots and pans? Only cook one dish meals for a couple of months.
Is it laundry? Box up everything (or toss), that is more than a weeks worth of laundry. No more than 2 towels per person (I would do one).
Bathroom? Put away, toss, all makeup except for one of each (blush, lipstick, etc.) The more choices you have, the more choices your brain has to work on, and the more overwhelmed it will get.
We seriously have too much stuff, it brings us down and keeps us from having the time to spend where and how we want it. If you get rid of stuff and clutter, it won't solve your problem, but it will give your eyes, heart, and spirit a bit of a rest. Your home should be a sanctuary. Get rid of everything that makes it otherwise.
posted by Vaike at 12:09 PM on April 15, 2012 [5 favorites]
One of the biggest contributors to being overwhelmed is stuff. It exhausts our eyes. It exhausts our mental to-do list, as everything you look at your mind tells you it needs to be 'handled', adding on to your other stressors.
Find what gives you stress. Is it the dishes? Put them all away, go to the 99 cent store and buy 2 months of plates and cups. Use them. If my SO would go for it, I would go all monkish and have one bowl and one spoon.
Is it pots and pans? Only cook one dish meals for a couple of months.
Is it laundry? Box up everything (or toss), that is more than a weeks worth of laundry. No more than 2 towels per person (I would do one).
Bathroom? Put away, toss, all makeup except for one of each (blush, lipstick, etc.) The more choices you have, the more choices your brain has to work on, and the more overwhelmed it will get.
We seriously have too much stuff, it brings us down and keeps us from having the time to spend where and how we want it. If you get rid of stuff and clutter, it won't solve your problem, but it will give your eyes, heart, and spirit a bit of a rest. Your home should be a sanctuary. Get rid of everything that makes it otherwise.
posted by Vaike at 12:09 PM on April 15, 2012 [5 favorites]
I was struck by this part of your story, about your friends: They also don't know how bad things are because I'm embarrassed and I don't think they can help.
I had a remarkable conversation yesterday with one of my heroes, who is both an astronaut and a mom. We were talking about parenting, and she said "You just have to keep asking for help" and I said "Sure, but it's hard - I mean, you're a tremendously successful independent self-sufficient woman - don't you feel like we were raised with this mindset that we are supposed to be able to do it all ourselves, and therefore it's really hard to ask for help?"
And she looked at me with a mixture of kindness and genuine puzzlement and said "Oh, no. I love to ask for help. People feel so good when they are able to help you out." It was a huge lesson for me to hear this from someone like her, and something I'm going to remember at all of my difficult parenting moments. I hope you can take this in too, and get the support you need and deserve in this challenging time.
posted by judith at 9:23 PM on April 15, 2012 [5 favorites]
I had a remarkable conversation yesterday with one of my heroes, who is both an astronaut and a mom. We were talking about parenting, and she said "You just have to keep asking for help" and I said "Sure, but it's hard - I mean, you're a tremendously successful independent self-sufficient woman - don't you feel like we were raised with this mindset that we are supposed to be able to do it all ourselves, and therefore it's really hard to ask for help?"
And she looked at me with a mixture of kindness and genuine puzzlement and said "Oh, no. I love to ask for help. People feel so good when they are able to help you out." It was a huge lesson for me to hear this from someone like her, and something I'm going to remember at all of my difficult parenting moments. I hope you can take this in too, and get the support you need and deserve in this challenging time.
posted by judith at 9:23 PM on April 15, 2012 [5 favorites]
Just chiming in here to say, if I were your friend, I would love to help. There's nothing I love more than snuggling a little baby now that my kids are big (or I'm also happy to read a story, or build a fort or whatever!) Also, maybe your therapist has Saturday appointments?
posted by biscuits at 9:50 PM on April 15, 2012
posted by biscuits at 9:50 PM on April 15, 2012
Okay, I called the doctor and got my meds adjusted first thing before I ran out of energy or lost my courage (Sunday was hard). I'm going to have to work up to calling the therapist but at least I did one thing. I also made myself eat some calorie-dense breakfast even though I wasn't hungry and now I don't feel very good.
"May I respectfully suggest that if your husband won't put his dishes in the dishwasher, you don't either, but just leave them where they are? If the cumulative effect is that you can't cook, maybe don't cook?"
If I didn't have three small children in various stages of solid-food-eating, I would. But it wouldn't be healthy to feed the big one nothing but takeout, the middle one needs things cut up tiny and is still too little for some foods, and the baby is just starting on table food. The kitchen isn't that big, so I don't have anywhere I can just let the dishes pile up and still have room to prep for the kids, and I'm constantly having to prepare and cut to edible size three different lunches. I think that would just make my day more overwhelming and difficult.
Vaike, I know you mean well, but my house is so small that I don't have that much stuff to begin with, and that kind of project sounds way more overwhelming than I could cope with if I DID have that much stuff. I'm trying to survive the day, not do huge projects.
posted by Sockish American at 7:09 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
"May I respectfully suggest that if your husband won't put his dishes in the dishwasher, you don't either, but just leave them where they are? If the cumulative effect is that you can't cook, maybe don't cook?"
If I didn't have three small children in various stages of solid-food-eating, I would. But it wouldn't be healthy to feed the big one nothing but takeout, the middle one needs things cut up tiny and is still too little for some foods, and the baby is just starting on table food. The kitchen isn't that big, so I don't have anywhere I can just let the dishes pile up and still have room to prep for the kids, and I'm constantly having to prepare and cut to edible size three different lunches. I think that would just make my day more overwhelming and difficult.
Vaike, I know you mean well, but my house is so small that I don't have that much stuff to begin with, and that kind of project sounds way more overwhelming than I could cope with if I DID have that much stuff. I'm trying to survive the day, not do huge projects.
posted by Sockish American at 7:09 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have some suggestions for the too-overwhelmed-to-eat-right thing. This is what I fall back on when I don't have time to cook, clean, or have regular meals. You should be able to eat most of these right out of the peel or container. They should all be available at your local big box grocery store.
Apples, bananas, clementines
Boiled eggs (will keep for a few days)
Nuts and dried fruit mix
String cheese
Roast chicken from the deli section (good cold, hot, or made into soup)
Cold rolled up deli meat and cheese
In the bagged section of the grocery store: baby carrots, grape tomatoes, sugar snap peas. Rinse and toss together in a big bowl. Eat out of it whenever you feel like; this should keep about five days in the fridge.
Peanut butter
Almond milk - I drink this instead of milk because it keeps for much longer
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:29 AM on April 16, 2012
Apples, bananas, clementines
Boiled eggs (will keep for a few days)
Nuts and dried fruit mix
String cheese
Roast chicken from the deli section (good cold, hot, or made into soup)
Cold rolled up deli meat and cheese
In the bagged section of the grocery store: baby carrots, grape tomatoes, sugar snap peas. Rinse and toss together in a big bowl. Eat out of it whenever you feel like; this should keep about five days in the fridge.
Peanut butter
Almond milk - I drink this instead of milk because it keeps for much longer
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:29 AM on April 16, 2012
Okay, I'm sorry that the consequences of your husband's noncooperation will only ever fall on you and not him. It looks like you just have to accept that part of the situation.
posted by tel3path at 1:36 AM on April 17, 2012
posted by tel3path at 1:36 AM on April 17, 2012
As someone who used to volunteer at this wonderful crisis nursery, I am almost certain that there is no mandated reporting to CPS just for using their services. If they had evidence that the children were being neglected, then sure, in the same way that a daycare would have to report. But just having a crisis and needing to use their services is not in and of itself anything they would need to report. We watched kids whose families were in all kinds of crises, ranging from a parent in the hospital, to grandparents who had taken over primary parenting after the childrens' parents died, to people who simply didn't have any family in the area. If their crisis was ongoing, the nursery would work with them to find more permanent support for them.
And what I do know for sure is that they would be more than happy to discuss your worries and reassure you. If you have one of these great resources in your community, give them a call ASAP!
posted by MsMolly at 1:02 PM on April 19, 2012
And what I do know for sure is that they would be more than happy to discuss your worries and reassure you. If you have one of these great resources in your community, give them a call ASAP!
posted by MsMolly at 1:02 PM on April 19, 2012
I guess it's only been ten days, but here's an update. The meds adjustment is, I think, starting to work (also I suppose just that I now feel like I have a plan); my days have been up and down but a little more up than before.
*My job: I know I have hours through fall, even though it's not as many as I'd like, and I'll be getting back some of the tasks I prefer if I can just gut out the rotten part through the next 6-8 weeks. It was extremely difficult for me, but I talked to my boss about getting back some of the tasks I prefer. It took me around nine hours to work up to sending a three line e-mail saying, "Is there any of X task available? I miss doing it and would love to take some of it on again if that's possible." And he gave me some of X task for our next work cycle (partly because I've been really taking on a lot of crappy Y task) and said he wished he had more for me. I have a tenous grasp on work; I've been getting online and actually dealing with the awful things that I hate. I still feel a frantic and overwhelmed and behind, but I've gotten caught up enough that I haven't actually missed any deadlines and as long as I can keep making myself do a little bit of the awful parts every day, I think I can make it through the six weeks. (No change in husband's job but he took a personal day to give me a break.)
*Support network: I'm a little ashamed to admit I haven't really reached out to anyone. I mentioned to one close friend that I was changing my meds because I'd been a little off, and she was supportive, and I told my mom I'm overwhelmed with stuff right now, but I haven't really said how bad it's been. My parents are winding down their crisis and are going to come visit me in a couple weeks, and I did get a break this weekend to spend time with my friends, which helped.
*The house: I've been ignoring the toy mess completely, but my husband helped me get the laundry all caught up, and he's been remembering to clean the kitchen about half the time. We've also been getting more take-out or easy-make food (sandwiches, etc.) with the knowledge that it'll only be until things are a little more under control.
*The kids: We are going to drop the enrichment class that is stressing me out (though I have a few weeks left of it -- six, I think, just like the job bad stuff!). I found a couple people who could watch them during the daytime, at least now and then, so I can go to doctors' appointments alone. I don't really have a plan for summer yet (and a lot of day camps and youth sports haven't put out their schedules yet for summer anyway), but I feel a little more confident about being able to handle it.
*Doctors: I haven't found a way to regularly see a therapist yet, but (as noted) I did see my doctor and have the meds adjusted. We had two minor family health crises this month (one normal kid thing, one adult-injury-needs-urgent-care thing), so I used up some of my babysitting goodwill with those, but I feel like I'm in an okay holding pattern while I try to work out the rest of it.
*Volunteering: Continues as normal. I feel happiest on these days.
*My thoughts: This has been better on good days and still difficult on bad days. I'm trying to do some mindfulness and thought repatterning when I catch myself at it, though I think this is really something I will need a therapist's help with.
*Self care. I have been showering more regularly and eating more regularly, though not always super-healthily. (I'm also not getting sick every time I eat now, which I was at first, so that helps.) I actually have in my calendar to go clothes shopping one evening this week when my husband will take the kids so I can get at least a couple cute things that fit better. (Hopefully I don't chicken out or get discouraged, trying things on is stressful.) I saw my friends, as noted. I have not been exercising well because of the health crisis-y things taking up a lot of time, so I know that's something else I need to work on.
I know it's not perfect and there's still a lot of stuff to tackle (figuring out how to manage therapy, finding summer activities for the older kids, getting house better under control), but I'm feeling at least somewhat better and able to cope in small chunks instead of being completely overwhelmed. I'm focused on getting through this 6-8 week period of work being crappy, and since it's time-limited I think I can manage it. But I have been enjoying my kids more and I'm a lot less angry; I feel more like my husband and I are a team and that has helped a lot.
So that's where I am. A lot of stuff hasn't changed and is still badness, but being able to tackle at least a few things has made life tolerable and I don't feel so desperate anymore. On good days I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but most days I at least feel like I can handle being in the tunnel for a while because now I have a map, if you know what I mean. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me figure out what baby steps I could take to start to get a grip on this.
posted by Sockish American at 11:56 AM on April 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
*My job: I know I have hours through fall, even though it's not as many as I'd like, and I'll be getting back some of the tasks I prefer if I can just gut out the rotten part through the next 6-8 weeks. It was extremely difficult for me, but I talked to my boss about getting back some of the tasks I prefer. It took me around nine hours to work up to sending a three line e-mail saying, "Is there any of X task available? I miss doing it and would love to take some of it on again if that's possible." And he gave me some of X task for our next work cycle (partly because I've been really taking on a lot of crappy Y task) and said he wished he had more for me. I have a tenous grasp on work; I've been getting online and actually dealing with the awful things that I hate. I still feel a frantic and overwhelmed and behind, but I've gotten caught up enough that I haven't actually missed any deadlines and as long as I can keep making myself do a little bit of the awful parts every day, I think I can make it through the six weeks. (No change in husband's job but he took a personal day to give me a break.)
*Support network: I'm a little ashamed to admit I haven't really reached out to anyone. I mentioned to one close friend that I was changing my meds because I'd been a little off, and she was supportive, and I told my mom I'm overwhelmed with stuff right now, but I haven't really said how bad it's been. My parents are winding down their crisis and are going to come visit me in a couple weeks, and I did get a break this weekend to spend time with my friends, which helped.
*The house: I've been ignoring the toy mess completely, but my husband helped me get the laundry all caught up, and he's been remembering to clean the kitchen about half the time. We've also been getting more take-out or easy-make food (sandwiches, etc.) with the knowledge that it'll only be until things are a little more under control.
*The kids: We are going to drop the enrichment class that is stressing me out (though I have a few weeks left of it -- six, I think, just like the job bad stuff!). I found a couple people who could watch them during the daytime, at least now and then, so I can go to doctors' appointments alone. I don't really have a plan for summer yet (and a lot of day camps and youth sports haven't put out their schedules yet for summer anyway), but I feel a little more confident about being able to handle it.
*Doctors: I haven't found a way to regularly see a therapist yet, but (as noted) I did see my doctor and have the meds adjusted. We had two minor family health crises this month (one normal kid thing, one adult-injury-needs-urgent-care thing), so I used up some of my babysitting goodwill with those, but I feel like I'm in an okay holding pattern while I try to work out the rest of it.
*Volunteering: Continues as normal. I feel happiest on these days.
*My thoughts: This has been better on good days and still difficult on bad days. I'm trying to do some mindfulness and thought repatterning when I catch myself at it, though I think this is really something I will need a therapist's help with.
*Self care. I have been showering more regularly and eating more regularly, though not always super-healthily. (I'm also not getting sick every time I eat now, which I was at first, so that helps.) I actually have in my calendar to go clothes shopping one evening this week when my husband will take the kids so I can get at least a couple cute things that fit better. (Hopefully I don't chicken out or get discouraged, trying things on is stressful.) I saw my friends, as noted. I have not been exercising well because of the health crisis-y things taking up a lot of time, so I know that's something else I need to work on.
I know it's not perfect and there's still a lot of stuff to tackle (figuring out how to manage therapy, finding summer activities for the older kids, getting house better under control), but I'm feeling at least somewhat better and able to cope in small chunks instead of being completely overwhelmed. I'm focused on getting through this 6-8 week period of work being crappy, and since it's time-limited I think I can manage it. But I have been enjoying my kids more and I'm a lot less angry; I feel more like my husband and I are a team and that has helped a lot.
So that's where I am. A lot of stuff hasn't changed and is still badness, but being able to tackle at least a few things has made life tolerable and I don't feel so desperate anymore. On good days I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but most days I at least feel like I can handle being in the tunnel for a while because now I have a map, if you know what I mean. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me figure out what baby steps I could take to start to get a grip on this.
posted by Sockish American at 11:56 AM on April 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wow, you sound so much better! Baby steps!
I'm impressed that you've done even that small bit of reaching out. It's so very hard. When I feel my worst, I feel like I can't talk to anyone because if I do, I'll start to cry, and if I start to cry I will never ever ever stop. So, good for you on that one.
Just a thought re: the clothes shopping. Try not to make it an all or nothing thing. Trying on things is SUPER stressful. Maybe give yourself a limit of, oh, a half hour, and if at that point things aren't going well, give it up for the night and do something nice for yourself. A magazine and a fancy coffee? Whatever would feel like a treat. I don't live in the States, but my friends who do buy a ton of stuff online from the places that do free shipping and free returns so they can try things on in the comfort of their own homes and return at will. Maybe something to think about?
posted by looli at 6:37 PM on April 24, 2012
I'm impressed that you've done even that small bit of reaching out. It's so very hard. When I feel my worst, I feel like I can't talk to anyone because if I do, I'll start to cry, and if I start to cry I will never ever ever stop. So, good for you on that one.
Just a thought re: the clothes shopping. Try not to make it an all or nothing thing. Trying on things is SUPER stressful. Maybe give yourself a limit of, oh, a half hour, and if at that point things aren't going well, give it up for the night and do something nice for yourself. A magazine and a fancy coffee? Whatever would feel like a treat. I don't live in the States, but my friends who do buy a ton of stuff online from the places that do free shipping and free returns so they can try things on in the comfort of their own homes and return at will. Maybe something to think about?
posted by looli at 6:37 PM on April 24, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for not "imposing on" your less-close friends who are full-time parents, think about proposing a swap. My guess is that at least one of them is dealing with similar constraints and would be happy to watch your kids if it meant that you would agree to watch their kids for a comparable length of time. That way, neither of you would be imposing on the other.
(Also worth checking to see if your city or town has a babysitting cooperative at all; it sounds like you're in a small community, but some small communities do have these.)
Best of luck to you. It sounds like you have an awful lot to manage right now. I wish you well.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:23 PM on April 14, 2012 [5 favorites]