I can't stop thinking about asking my ex for another try. This is probably a bad idea, but should I just ask anyway, just so I know I tried my best?
posted by anonymous to human relations (12 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I'm usually not one to back track, but I can't stop thinking about what went wrong and how our relationship worked in so many ways. We dated for less than a year, and he basically brought up that though our relationship was good in all those ways, it wasn't as developed as it should be at this point, and he didn't know why or how to fix that. This was meant to be a conversation where we would come to a decision together (so he says, but maybe he just meant for us to break up in the end and wanted me to realize it was a good idea as well so he could feel less guilty...who knows). I was shocked and my ego was bruised, so I basically just said if that if that's the way he feels and he can't even pinpoint why, then there's nothing to fix, and I left and we haven't spoken in weeks.
Now I'm left with a (perhaps delusioned) sense of control, because I keep wondering if I should have fought for it, and if I did, we would still be together, and maybe that option is still open. I read "Too good to leave and too bad to stay", and it made me realize a few things: (1) I still love and miss him, and (2) some of the events that led up to our relationship coming to stagnation. I think during a critical period, I didn't appear as invested in the relationship as he was, which led to more and more mutual distancing between us. I was also not in a good place personally, and was afraid to communicate my feelings (both good and bad), and just spend a lot of time sulking about various other aspects of my life (I am doing much better now). I wasn't a very good partner at times, though neither was he towards the end, but I just make excuses like, "Oh, but it's just a natural reaction to my apparent ambivalence at the time, and this time, it'll be different!"
If he was telling the truth, and he truly didn't understand why our relationship wasn't progressing, then I believe that's the answer, hence me debating whether we should try again (believing I have some say in this). He has had trouble making connections between emotions and conscious thought in the past. But maybe he was just sparing my feelings, and just didn't like me that much, and the breakup was just a unilateral decision he made that I cannot change. If that's the case, it's such a waste of energy for me to attempt to sort out my feelings for him and deciding whether another try would be worth it, because whatever I say, the decision has already been made due to reasons I cannot comprehend.
Should I just let it go, stop wondering, and move on? How? It's not like I haven't already tried (but maybe I need to try harder) Or should I risk rejection, humiliation, and reopening the wound by contacting him and asking if getting back together is even an option? If yes, I will know my energy thinking about it isn't automatically a waste, and if no, at least I'll realize it's definitely over, no matter how much I want to be with him. Maybe I need that wake up call. Maybe I'm hanging onto something that's not there. I feel like I've taken good care of myself since being single, and except for really missing him and constantly wondering if we should give it another chance, I feel pretty good. I don't want to open myself up to rejection (again?) unnecessarily.
This isn't really a question about WHETHER we should get back together. That would be a conversation we will need to have. I'm just asking if it's wise to even open up this conversation. Does that make sense? Advice please?