Discretion Vs. Lying?
April 12, 2012 3:16 AM Subscribe
A newish friend recently showed profound misjudgment in their personal life. I truly love this friend. I am sad. Please help me think this through.
posted by SockyMcSockyPants to human relations (47 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'm trying to keep identifiers out of this, but still retain the heart of the issue (not that I'm sure what that is, yet!) Sock puppet so I can answer questions in thread.
I've known this friend for about a year. They've had some sudden and traumatic issues come up with their family, and relatedly, finances.
Friend mentioned a "friend of the family" who is involved in the mess.
When this person eventually turned on my friend, it was revealed to me that this "friend of the family" had a criminal conviction (think: predator) from 18 years ago, and had also said and done some inappropriate things recently towards my friend. The problem is that 4 weeks ago, when my friend finally told me about all of her problems, she vociferously defended this "friend of the family" and his involvement in the situation to me when I asked questions. She pretty much berated me for even questioning his involvement in the issue, or his loyalty towards her.
She looked me in the eye and willfully defended the character of an individual she knew to be completely and totally unsavory. I think she did this just because he pretended to be on her side for a while and she was feeling supremely desperate. Still, at the time, she defended him despite recent and direct experience on her part that would make most people exceedingly wary. (Again, I only heard about his recent actions towards her much later.) She showed colossally Bad Judgement, and I can't quite explain it away.
I don't know what to think. I'm stuck in a feedback loop. Help.
I know things have changed between us. I'm OK with this. It's sad, but I accept it. Even if the verdict is that the friendship has ended, really, that's OK. I'm a little in shock for the past week and I'm surprised I still can't organize my next move.
The problem is that (a) she's awesome otherwise, but the level of secret keeping around her family and their dealings is highly disturbing and unfortunately throws the rest of her decision making into question for me, and (b) I don't know how to deal with irrational denial that concerns the well-being of myself or others.
I don't know if I should voice my concerns here or STFU and let the whole thing (including the friendship) go.
I know my friend is struggling, she is having her eyes opened in a traumatic fashion, and is (supposedly?) working towards fundamentally changing her life.
I'm stuck between wanting to support her self-work (Yay!), and judging her significant choices (the secret keeping, triangulating with an unsavory individual to help solve her family/family financial issues) which tell me to pull the fuck a way from this mess.
Sorry if I rambled.
Please tell me what to think here, and what to do. She is someone I run into regularly, I care deeply for her, yet I'm not sure how to be supportive of someone so unconsciously dedicated to dysfunctionality. She's not the main perpetrator, and she may or may not be digging herself out and improving herself.
I need a read on what is going on here and how to be most helpful.