Help me get out of this steel cage

April 6, 2012 11:59 AM

I don't have ambition. How do I get it? Any stories to share?

I don't have that burning ambition required to succeed in endeavors, but I need to obtain it if I'm to get out of my current situation:

- I'm still living with my Bible-thumping parents and can't do any of the normal things adults my age do (e.g. dating, travel)

- I haven't been able to get a full-time job that would allow me to move out, despite going on numerous interviews

- I'm crippled by student loans and credit card debt (around $90K total) and my temporary part-time job barely lets me pay the minimum for these, so sometimes I have to hit up the parents for money. I am actively avoiding using my cards except for legit emergencies. At the same time, my low salary has me living hand to mouth so saving is impossible.

I feel so damn hopeless and am unsure of what to do. I have few acquaintances and no close friends or SO to turn to for help. I think if I could just get a well-paying FT job I'd be able to proceed from there. I want to break into IT, but due to my overall lack of experience I keep getting passed up despite interviewing well. My skill set is limited (BA in English and an MLIS.)

All I know is that I'm in a vat of quicksand, but I don't know what to do each day that will get me closer to getting out of it. Please give me any suggestions or anecdotes that I could possibly use to outline a plan of action. Life is passing me by and I need to get out of my toxic environment so I can truly live. :(

posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (12 answers total)

Qualities that make ambitious people "successful"

- a vision of what they want that is unavoidably compelling above any other desire they might have

- a plan for how to realize that vision

- the patience to understand that that vision cannot be realized immediately

- the ability to keep the vision in their mind as motivation during the long, boring detail and grunt work of executing a plan

- while at the same time being able to break a long term plan into tiny steps and reward themselves or feel accomplishment at achieving each little step


So, take all your problems and break them apart...tiny tiny steps. Decide what you want your life to look like 10 years from now. Come up with a plan. Divide that plan into tiny tiny steps and pick 3 steps that can be accomplished in a week, in a month and in a six months. Repeat repeat repeat.

What's ONE thing you can do by next Friday that is tiny enough that you can handle but will feel rewarding to have accomplished?
posted by spicynuts at 12:25 PM on April 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

To answer my own question:

By next friday, write a one page dream report about the you of 10 years from now.
posted by spicynuts at 12:26 PM on April 6, 2012

Don't panic. You're in starvation mode, which is a perfectly normal mode to go into when you think you're starving. There's nothing wrong with that, or with you. You're fine.

Do one thing at a time, and focus on the things you can do rather than the things you can't.

It sounds like you can't, right now, get out of your parents' house. I don't necessarily think that means you can't date, or travel. Plenty of people living with their parents do both of those things. If however your parents have laid down immutable rules that make it difficult to date, it is their house, so you might have to live with that for now. It's just a thing and you'll deal with it when you can, probably by getting your own place. Right now, it doesn't sound like you can get out, so don't spend a lot of mental energy on this.

Getting a job is hard, especially right now. If you're getting interviews you're doing something right. So good for you. Maybe you need to polish up your interviewing presence a bit. Your library may have books about how to do this. If you have friends or even well-meaning acquaintances around, ask some of them to do some mock interviews with you and identify trouble areas. Do you not make enough eye contact? Do you come across as wishy-washy or distracted or panicked? Do you talk too fast? Things like that.

You need to get your money situation straightened out. I would bet that this is a major source of your anxiety. Try to get your loans onto income-based repayment. That will ease up some of your monthly cash flow. If the majority of that $90k is credit cards, consider Chapter 7 bankruptcy. It's painful, but it's designed to give people a fresh start.

So one thing at a time. Make a plan to address the things you can do, and don't worry right now about the ones you can't. You're not going to feel ambitious until you've got your feet under you, and that's going to take a little time. Don't beat yourself up over your lack of ambition. Just take it one step at a time.
posted by gauche at 12:31 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Work out your long-term plans as suggested by spicynuts.

Whilst you're doing that get another one or two part time jobs - jobs you work at weekends and at night, when those career type entry positions you aspire to won't want you to interview. That way you have more disposable income to help you pay off your debts and have some kind of social life - not sure why living with your parents would prevent you from leaving the house to engage in the adult activities you list. You just have to decide that's what's going to happen...
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:33 PM on April 6, 2012

Definitely request income-sensitive repayment, or possibly even 3-6 months of forbearance. Yes, interest will still accrue and it's not ideal, but if it helps you get through this phase and into the next one, it will be worth it. (Some people may not agree, but honestly, you're in a rut and it's not the like those payments are going down or going away anytime soon. Later when you're doing better, you can send an additional $25 or so per month to catch up.)

Is your temp job through a temp agency? If not, sign up with some temp agencies. Robert Half is a good one (OfficeTeam and Accountemps). Can you do word processing and data entry? You should be able to get a decent office job, and that may lead to something else. Ages ago when I first started temping, I started as a file clerk for $8/hr per hour, and after a month or so someone in accounts payable left and I was able to move into that position for $11/hr.

I'd also suggest joining a club or activity or something you enjoy where you get out of the house, meet people and get out of your head. It could be anything - hiking, book club, even a movie night or something through meetup.com?

Good luck! Try to get some fresh air and think about goals and things as others have said. You won't be living at home forever!
posted by Glinn at 1:09 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Are you physically fit? You could join the military. A career there is not just infantry, it has other career paths such as nursing or engineering.
posted by Melismata at 1:17 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

I really think you are right about a full time job being the boost you need. It's great that you want to get into IT, but perhaps your top priority should be *any* job (OK, any legal, appropriate job within your capacity) you can do that will pay you well enough to 1) get on top of your debt and 2) move out.

It's not clear what branch of IT you want to be in, but if it's something you can learn about through Khan Academy, internet tutorials or through library books, perhaps you can give yourself a course of self-study and then demonstrate your capabilities through a professional blog for potential employers to view.

Right now, though, it seems practical to go back to your temp agency - or other agencies - and ask for a placement with more hours / higher pay, and in the meantime to broaden your net in terms of your job search. When I first got out of college I worked some very dull temp jobs completely unrelated to my field, and they eventually led me towards my current job which is very interesting.

Money = power and independence. Becoming self-sufficient will likely lead to feeling more empowered, positive and motivated.

I hesitate to tack this on, because I'm piling on a lot of advice, but it also sounds like you are rather isolated and that this is contributing to your malaise. So - maybe volunteer, look for free classes/workshops/events, go to a church that is in alignment with your ideas. Meeting people is also good for the job hunt. It can be hard to get out there and smile and shake hands and act social when you're struggling and perhaps a bit down, but connecting to other people can also have a huge impact on your life. A lot of the opportunities that have come my way have been through the dumb luck of knowing someone.

Also - exercise. Another empowering and mood-boosting thing.
posted by bunderful at 2:14 PM on April 6, 2012

hey there,
I feel you. I'm living at home right now, too. Luckily I live in a place where employment is not too hard to come by. But I'm definitely feeling the lack of ambition thing.

Please don't wait until you get out of that environment until you truly live. Are you at least allowed to leave the house by yourself? Because if you can find your own oasis to visit every week, or even every day, you may find yourself becoming slightly inspired.

I absolutely LOVE going to sit in coffee shops, and I really think nothing makes me happier in life than finding a place that has a vibe I really love, and having the chance to sit there and read with a delicious drink, or write, or surf on facebook, or draw or whatever. Coffee shops are places where conversations are had---just today I was at one and met someone who could help me with the musical partnership I was trying to get started. During the Enlightenment, intellectuals would meet in cafes to play chess and stir up trouble. You can also look at the poster boards for opportunities, or post your own ideas.

Please don't feel hopeless-- I'm sure you are very employable. Also please try to HAVE FUN. Can't find a job? Spend your days in pure hedonism. Draw inspiration from your literature. Lie on your couch eating grapes. It's not your fault you have no job, and you don't owe anything to society. Live it up in whatever way you can. Worst case scenario: your life resembles that of George Costanza. Yes, this is the story of my username.
posted by costanza at 3:53 PM on April 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

2 thoughts.

1. just changing ONE of the things in your environment can act as a catalyst. get you unstuck in the other things and move you forward.

2. the folks in here commenting about VISION are right on. that means you visualize yourself in a future success: whether it's debt free, at a well paying job, or studying things you love. once you cultivate that vision, it's much easier to work towards it.
posted by Avenger50 at 4:03 PM on April 6, 2012

Your degree is in English. You can apply to teach English abroad. That gets you out of the house (they usually pay for housing), gets you a job so you can work on those loans, gets you traveling, changes things up.

Or you could apply to a whole bunch of jobs that require an MLIS.

If you keep your goal of working in IT in mind, you'll get there eventually, which is faster than your current rate, so it's a win-win. My mother used to say "If you don't know what to do, just do something."
posted by aniola at 5:17 PM on April 6, 2012

On a separate note, one immediate thing you can do is get out of the house and start volunteering somewhere. It will make you feel useful, get you out of the house, make you some friends who share your interest.

Another useful tidbit: action precedes motivation.
posted by aniola at 5:20 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Are you physically fit? You could join the military. A career there is not just infantry, it has other career paths such as nursing or engineering.

True. Think about the Coast Guard (which I still often wish I'd done) or the Air Force. There's a journalism MOS, and technical areas need people who can write.
posted by jgirl at 5:26 PM on April 6, 2012