Should a godparent play favourites?
April 5, 2012 3:29 PM Subscribe
Should a godparent play favourites?
My goddaughter is the oldest of my friends' kids. She's 5 now, and we have a great relationship - I love her to bits and she loves spending time with her "fairy godmother". There is now a second child in the family (with his own set of godparents).
So - godparents - how does this work? What level of favouritism should I be showing (if any)?
I've never been very good with babies. I come into my own when they start talking and having their own personality. And my goddaughter's brother is now at that age. I love him to bits too.
I'd always assumed that my role as godmother meant that I should play favourites. But I'm now wondering if that's right. I don't want him to feel left out, but I do want to make sure that the godmother / goddaughter relationship remains a special relationship.
Background 1 - both kids have 4 godparents. An aunt and uncle are common godparents to both kids, and both kids have an additional godparent who is not involved in their lives on a regular basis. The younger child has a godparent who is a close family friend and who sees the family about as often as I do. So the balance is pretty equal.
Background 2 - as a child, I always noticed unfairness and that wasn't good. I don't want to either of them to feel the way I did as a kid.
I've never been very good with babies. I come into my own when they start talking and having their own personality. And my goddaughter's brother is now at that age. I love him to bits too.
I'd always assumed that my role as godmother meant that I should play favourites. But I'm now wondering if that's right. I don't want him to feel left out, but I do want to make sure that the godmother / goddaughter relationship remains a special relationship.
Background 1 - both kids have 4 godparents. An aunt and uncle are common godparents to both kids, and both kids have an additional godparent who is not involved in their lives on a regular basis. The younger child has a godparent who is a close family friend and who sees the family about as often as I do. So the balance is pretty equal.
Background 2 - as a child, I always noticed unfairness and that wasn't good. I don't want to either of them to feel the way I did as a kid.
Best answer: There were four kids in my family, and each of us had a different pair of godparents - a mix of both family and family friends.
My little sister's godmother was MUCH more involved and awesome than the rest of ours - taking her our for special godmother/daughter teas, getting her special presents for holidays and birthdays (and not getting presents for the rest of the kids in the family). My sister, god bless her, was a good kid and always shared the loot.
Honestly, it never bothered us other three. We were aware that godmother/goddaughter relationship was unique in that it allowed and encouraged favoritism - which, actually, was kind of great because it was one of a very few relationships with adults that allowed that.
posted by CharlieSue at 3:44 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
My little sister's godmother was MUCH more involved and awesome than the rest of ours - taking her our for special godmother/daughter teas, getting her special presents for holidays and birthdays (and not getting presents for the rest of the kids in the family). My sister, god bless her, was a good kid and always shared the loot.
Honestly, it never bothered us other three. We were aware that godmother/goddaughter relationship was unique in that it allowed and encouraged favoritism - which, actually, was kind of great because it was one of a very few relationships with adults that allowed that.
posted by CharlieSue at 3:44 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
I had a very traditional experience with my godparents that I feel was appropriate. Traditionally, a godparent is charged with overseeing the spiritual education of the child, and with actually physically stepping in as a caregiver in case something should prevent the biological parents from parenting.
In my case, my aunt and uncle were my godparents. As a young child they didn't favor me with gifts, special outings, etc.; rather, my aunt simply included me as a member of her family in a way that none of my other aunts and uncles did, and she did not do this with any of my other cousins. However, I did not feel that she was in any way my "fairy godmother." She was my favorite aunt, but I didn't feel that I was her favorite niece.
In my later childhood, my parents became unable to care for me, and at that point I went to live with her until the age of 18. She also arranged for my religious education during this time by sending me to parochial school. It was a really difficult situation and not an unmixed blessing because her family had serious problems as well, but the system worked exactly the way it was supposed to.
I think that most children are exquisitely sensitive to favoritism, and that favoritism is not necessary in order to be a good godparent. I think if you are just a solid parent figure, fair, kind, and ready to take a proprietary interest when needed, then you'll be doing it right.
posted by HotToddy at 4:10 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
In my case, my aunt and uncle were my godparents. As a young child they didn't favor me with gifts, special outings, etc.; rather, my aunt simply included me as a member of her family in a way that none of my other aunts and uncles did, and she did not do this with any of my other cousins. However, I did not feel that she was in any way my "fairy godmother." She was my favorite aunt, but I didn't feel that I was her favorite niece.
In my later childhood, my parents became unable to care for me, and at that point I went to live with her until the age of 18. She also arranged for my religious education during this time by sending me to parochial school. It was a really difficult situation and not an unmixed blessing because her family had serious problems as well, but the system worked exactly the way it was supposed to.
I think that most children are exquisitely sensitive to favoritism, and that favoritism is not necessary in order to be a good godparent. I think if you are just a solid parent figure, fair, kind, and ready to take a proprietary interest when needed, then you'll be doing it right.
posted by HotToddy at 4:10 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Find ways to treat your goddaughter a bit more in a special way because you are her godparent. It takes a while figuring out how to treat the second child, but let this happen naturally. Still visit the whole family for holidays, buy him a gift for holidays, and ask him if he wants to hang out with you and your goddaughter on certain outings. But, also have special times when it's just you and your goddaughter. Purchase something a little more nice or expensive for your goddaughter for holidays.
My sister had the best godparents because they always visited for holidays, framed her school year photo with their other two kids photos, and were consistent with gift giving. Plus, they even made the effort with three other kids in our family (myself and my two siblings) and that is something that I admired, especially as a kid.
They always did a bit extra for my sister who was their goddaughter, but that was understood. For instance, she'd get more gifts from them or bigger gifts but I don't think the three of us felt jealous of the gifts.
What I did feel jealous of was how close her godparents were to their goddaughter. I'm at an age now where that stuff (read: the fact that I don't have a relationship with my godmother) doesn't matter in the way that it does when you are a kid. So, it doesn't bother me at all but when I was a kid, I remember always feeling upset because I never saw my godmother.
posted by livinglearning at 4:33 PM on April 5, 2012
My sister had the best godparents because they always visited for holidays, framed her school year photo with their other two kids photos, and were consistent with gift giving. Plus, they even made the effort with three other kids in our family (myself and my two siblings) and that is something that I admired, especially as a kid.
They always did a bit extra for my sister who was their goddaughter, but that was understood. For instance, she'd get more gifts from them or bigger gifts but I don't think the three of us felt jealous of the gifts.
What I did feel jealous of was how close her godparents were to their goddaughter. I'm at an age now where that stuff (read: the fact that I don't have a relationship with my godmother) doesn't matter in the way that it does when you are a kid. So, it doesn't bother me at all but when I was a kid, I remember always feeling upset because I never saw my godmother.
posted by livinglearning at 4:33 PM on April 5, 2012
Best answer: I think if the son's godparents are doing a good job, you can play favourites. If they fail, you should probably start including him more.
My childhood experience was pretty unfair with regard to godparents. My parents accidentally picked for me a godmother who moved overseas and had no more contact before I was old enough to remember her, and a guy who ended up being arrested as a pedophile. My brother got awesome godparents who gave him expensive presents and took him on holidays and visited all the time, and they completely ignored me. That really upset me as a kid, although as an adult I see it was just bad luck.
posted by lollusc at 5:57 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
My childhood experience was pretty unfair with regard to godparents. My parents accidentally picked for me a godmother who moved overseas and had no more contact before I was old enough to remember her, and a guy who ended up being arrested as a pedophile. My brother got awesome godparents who gave him expensive presents and took him on holidays and visited all the time, and they completely ignored me. That really upset me as a kid, although as an adult I see it was just bad luck.
posted by lollusc at 5:57 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]
Depends what "godparent" means, as explained above. My godparents didn't do anything along the traditional (Catholic) spiritual lines, but my godfather definitely played favorites in terms of gifts. I am one of 20+ first cousins (his nieces and nephews) so there wasn't a Cabbage Patch Kid [insert non-dated kid reference] for everyone. My sister definitely took note, even as an adult (her own god parents didn't treat her specially), but she is one that is prone to count who got what.
posted by Pax at 7:15 PM on April 5, 2012
posted by Pax at 7:15 PM on April 5, 2012
(in other words, my god parents rocked, my sister's sucked, and it played out as her being pissed at my god parents for excluding her)
posted by Pax at 7:17 PM on April 5, 2012
posted by Pax at 7:17 PM on April 5, 2012
Best answer: Interesting. Sounds like a good problem: two fun kids.
It's kind of like relationships with step-kids: huge variation, never going to be equal, can turn out well or not.
From my experience, I'd just say try not to reinforce any chronic problematic dynamics. I don't even know who all my godparents are/were. One of my sibs has really generous, involved godparents. The problem is that the inequality (which is unavoidable) was similar to in type and direction to other inequalities in our family. But ultimately, it wasn't a big deal in my relationship with my sib.
posted by manduca at 7:23 PM on April 5, 2012
It's kind of like relationships with step-kids: huge variation, never going to be equal, can turn out well or not.
From my experience, I'd just say try not to reinforce any chronic problematic dynamics. I don't even know who all my godparents are/were. One of my sibs has really generous, involved godparents. The problem is that the inequality (which is unavoidable) was similar to in type and direction to other inequalities in our family. But ultimately, it wasn't a big deal in my relationship with my sib.
posted by manduca at 7:23 PM on April 5, 2012
I cannot conceive of any scenario in which a beloved adult should deliberately show that she prefers one sibling over the other.
Just make them both feel special to the best of your abilities. The better lesson here is "the fact that I have a special relationship with person X does not mean that nobody else can be close to person X."
posted by foursentences at 8:05 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
Just make them both feel special to the best of your abilities. The better lesson here is "the fact that I have a special relationship with person X does not mean that nobody else can be close to person X."
posted by foursentences at 8:05 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I cannot conceive of any scenario in which a beloved adult should deliberately show that she prefers one sibling over the other.
I agree that you should never do anything that implies that you love one child more than the other, but that doesn't mean you can't have a special relationship with your goddaughter. My mom's good friend was an elementary school teacher, and my brother had been in her class but I wasn't. She was super-nice to both of us, pretty good about paying attention to both of us, but she knew what he liked, they had jokes, they had stories. When she was around the family, she paid plenty of attention to me, and resisted him dragging her off to show her his new toy or whatever ("maybe later, right now is family time!") so there was rarely something specific that I could get jealous of. It was more like he had a friend who happened to be an adult - and one of the things about having siblings is the concept of being friendly with their friends, but they're still their friends, not my friends, and that's okay. The implication was that she and my brother had a shared history, but she liked/loved us just the same, she just didn't know me as well, if that makes any sense.
I'd suggest that you do things with your godchild away from the rest of the family, and downplay the "special treat OMG excitement OMG super-special godmother", in favor of "hey, since I'm here for the weekend, my young buddy and I will have some hang-out time on Saturday afternoon, and we'll all meet up for pizza at 6." And whenever you're not one-on-one, you're with the family and it's family time. No special treatment, equal attention for both kids, etc.
posted by aimedwander at 7:01 AM on April 6, 2012
I agree that you should never do anything that implies that you love one child more than the other, but that doesn't mean you can't have a special relationship with your goddaughter. My mom's good friend was an elementary school teacher, and my brother had been in her class but I wasn't. She was super-nice to both of us, pretty good about paying attention to both of us, but she knew what he liked, they had jokes, they had stories. When she was around the family, she paid plenty of attention to me, and resisted him dragging her off to show her his new toy or whatever ("maybe later, right now is family time!") so there was rarely something specific that I could get jealous of. It was more like he had a friend who happened to be an adult - and one of the things about having siblings is the concept of being friendly with their friends, but they're still their friends, not my friends, and that's okay. The implication was that she and my brother had a shared history, but she liked/loved us just the same, she just didn't know me as well, if that makes any sense.
I'd suggest that you do things with your godchild away from the rest of the family, and downplay the "special treat OMG excitement OMG super-special godmother", in favor of "hey, since I'm here for the weekend, my young buddy and I will have some hang-out time on Saturday afternoon, and we'll all meet up for pizza at 6." And whenever you're not one-on-one, you're with the family and it's family time. No special treatment, equal attention for both kids, etc.
posted by aimedwander at 7:01 AM on April 6, 2012
Godparents are supposed to be there in support of the children's spiritual/religious life.* What's all this about presents and vacations and favoritism? That sounds awful!
If you are close enough with this family that they asked you to be a godparent for one of their children, then be a good and loving and supportive friend to the family, including whatever other children they may have.
But if you must treat this godchild "special," then be aware of the new child's relationships with their godparents and try to keep the "specialness" reasonably equitable. Many parents see it as a nominal ritual thing and choose godparents who aren't in the kids' lives at all. That would suck for a kid whose sibling got the "good" godparent.
*I know that's not always the case. Atheist/buddhist/nothing-ist me is godmother to my Catholic brother's son.
posted by headnsouth at 7:34 AM on April 6, 2012
If you are close enough with this family that they asked you to be a godparent for one of their children, then be a good and loving and supportive friend to the family, including whatever other children they may have.
But if you must treat this godchild "special," then be aware of the new child's relationships with their godparents and try to keep the "specialness" reasonably equitable. Many parents see it as a nominal ritual thing and choose godparents who aren't in the kids' lives at all. That would suck for a kid whose sibling got the "good" godparent.
*I know that's not always the case. Atheist/buddhist/nothing-ist me is godmother to my Catholic brother's son.
posted by headnsouth at 7:34 AM on April 6, 2012
Best answer: I am popping in here just to say that yes, it is okay to have a special relationship what includes presents and treats with one child who you have a special relationship with and not another. Just like, for example, I treat my own child differently (and love her more) than other people's kids.
Don't withdraw the quality of your affection because of the new sibling. If anything, that's sure to make things worse for the sibling. Children aren't stupid, and even if they don't know the complexities, they can get "I got a new sibling, and now he gets presents too and I don't have my fairy godmother anymore."
Also, as a parent, it really sucks when godmothers pull back, and may damage the parental relationship with the godmother.
posted by corb at 1:04 PM on April 6, 2012
Don't withdraw the quality of your affection because of the new sibling. If anything, that's sure to make things worse for the sibling. Children aren't stupid, and even if they don't know the complexities, they can get "I got a new sibling, and now he gets presents too and I don't have my fairy godmother anymore."
Also, as a parent, it really sucks when godmothers pull back, and may damage the parental relationship with the godmother.
posted by corb at 1:04 PM on April 6, 2012
Best answer: But if you must treat this godchild "special," then be aware of the new child's relationships with their godparents and try to keep the "specialness" reasonably equitable. Many parents see it as a nominal ritual thing and choose godparents who aren't in the kids' lives at all. That would suck for a kid whose sibling got the "good" godparent.
This, a thousand times over.
Growing up, my older sisters had godparents who treated each of them as special. My godparents tried to treat all of us equitably. So while each sister got a special gift from her respective godparent on birthday and at Christmas, my godparents were giving me and my sisters all the same gift, in super-equal fashion. The message I received as a child is that I was not at all special to them, and frankly it would have been better to get no gift at all.
If you are really concerned about it, get one the same page with the younger kid's other similarly-involved godparent, not to be super-equal, but so that each child has someone who makes them feel special in their own way.
Apart from material things, though, having another adult in her life that she can count on is a great gift in and of itself.
posted by ambrosia at 1:41 PM on April 8, 2012
This, a thousand times over.
Growing up, my older sisters had godparents who treated each of them as special. My godparents tried to treat all of us equitably. So while each sister got a special gift from her respective godparent on birthday and at Christmas, my godparents were giving me and my sisters all the same gift, in super-equal fashion. The message I received as a child is that I was not at all special to them, and frankly it would have been better to get no gift at all.
If you are really concerned about it, get one the same page with the younger kid's other similarly-involved godparent, not to be super-equal, but so that each child has someone who makes them feel special in their own way.
Apart from material things, though, having another adult in her life that she can count on is a great gift in and of itself.
posted by ambrosia at 1:41 PM on April 8, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks all. Just to clarify, the traditional godparent stuff around "bringing the child up to be a good person" / "what happens if the parents aren't around" stuff has already been discussed and agreed with the parents, extended family, and other godparents. This question is very much about day to day stuff and helping me build a special relationship with my goddaughter that will give her confidence that she has an adult in her life who is there for her when / if she needs it, but without excluding her brother. As suggested by several posters, I've now had a chat with the younger child's godparents, and we've agreed an approach and possibly more importantly, we've agreed to keep talking about it as the kids get older. Thank you!
posted by finding.perdita at 6:17 PM on May 21, 2012
posted by finding.perdita at 6:17 PM on May 21, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
At the same time, one should probably not go over-the-top with godparent gifts because it's possible the other children might not have godparents that are as attentive as you are.
posted by deanc at 3:40 PM on April 5, 2012