Save this relationship?

April 5, 2012 1:39 PM

BreakupFilter: Should I, and if so, when should I?

I've been dating this guy for about 8 months. We got very serious very quickly and have lived together for almost 6 months. I love him and I would be very sad if we broke up. However, some of the things he does just drive me nuts, and we've discussed them many times. He just doesn't seem to get it.

First the good things:
- He's very sweet and loving, and makes me feel very secure.
- Sexually, intellectually, and socially compatible. My parents love him.
- Cuddly, affectionate
- Ambitious, professionally successful, responsible, interesting, awesome
- Completely accepts me and all of my weird neuroses; makes me a better person when I'm with him
- Really serious about me. Deeply in love with me. After a bunch of really douchey guys and players, it's nice to be with someone serious, loving, and focused on me.

Now, the bad stuff:

He has very severe ADD. I feel like a slave to his focus and moods. He seems like he can't do anything that he doesn't want to do in the moment. It's very anxiety producing. I never know what he's going to say next and he shifts gears on me all the time from loving to distracted by email to defensive to whatever. I'm crazy anxious whenever I'm with him and sometimes it takes me days to recover.

He has a million cool ideas and projects -- and doesn't include me in them. He's always doing fun projects with friends but he doesn't include me and never explains why when I ask. I want to have the kind of relationship where we work together on cool stuff.

He talks over people and grabs the limelight and brags about things he does. I am starting to feel very inadequate professionally around him. I know that's not his intention, but he talks about himself a lot and can't seem to focus on me unless he really misses me or something is extra interesting.

I just don't feel as emotionally close to him as I'd like. When I try to get close, sometimes he hears me and other times he's a million miles away. I feel sometimes like he doesn't really see me. But then he'll come out with some brilliant insight that shows he was really listening when I thought he wasn't. But again, we don't have any future plans or things to enjoy together. It all seems kind of generic.

We don't have a lot of those "little things" in common with each other, like ordering the same thing off the menu, or liking the same kinds of movies, or having the same hobbies. He loves sports and I can't stand them. I'm musical and he's tone deaf. Etc. I'm worried that he'll meet someone more compatible at some point and leave me. I've never had that "OMG, youuuu too!!!" moment with him.

There's also something... off about him. Like he doesn't seem trustworthy. He's never done anything wrong to me, but I've heard him talk about how to scam someone in business (in a theoretical situation) and he sometimes blames people for things that are his fault (like if someone parked too close to another spot, he'll blame them instead of his own driving skills). Maybe I'm being too picky, though.

Are these normal things that can work out?

Complications:
I travel a lot for work. He has a flexible freelance job. He bought tickets to see me at two different remote work locations over the next month, each time for about a week. These were very expensive tickets. (I work in some far-off, remote places that are hard to get to, but fun to visit.) I would feel awful breaking up with him, especially since I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing to do.

I have a tendency to be a perfectionist and to write people off too early in dating situations, after one very long-term relationship in college that lasted much longer than it should have.

So, Mefi geniuses, what should I do? Should I stay or go? And if I should go, how do I handle the ticket situation? When do I do it?

Anonymous because he reads here, and so does my sister, who will know it's him.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total)

Anything more than 2 paragraphs of drama - break up.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:46 PM on April 5, 2012 [17 favorites]

He bought tickets to see me at two different remote work locations over the next month, each time for about a week. These were very expensive tickets. (I work in some far-off, remote places that are hard to get to, but fun to visit.) I would feel awful breaking up with him, especially since I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing to do.

I know others will chime in about your other questions, but I'm here just to comment on this "complication." I completely honor that it would feel challenging to break up with him when he spent a lot of money on tickets to see you. But ultimately, if you decide that this is not the relationship for you, you should break up with him now, as opposed to after the travel if the only reason that you are holding off is "obligation" or "guilt." You deserve to be happy. He can change the tickets, as the young rope-rider noted, see other people, etc. I would rather someone break up with me, instead of staying with me out of a sense of "guilt" or "obligation."
posted by anya32 at 1:47 PM on April 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

Do you like him?
posted by infini at 1:47 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Have you talked to him about these things? I mean, some of them seem kind of dealbreakery to me (He talks over people and grabs the limelight and brags about things he does... I've heard him talk about how to scam someone in business... he sometimes blames people for things that are his fault), but it really depends on his acceptance of his faults and his willingness to work on them. If he understands that these traits are problematic for you and he tries his best to remedy them, that's a great guy, but if he minimizes your concerns and says things like, "This is just who I am!" then that seems like someone I wouldn't want to be with.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:48 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Are these normal things that can work out?

I don't think severe ADHD is one of those things that can be "worked out." I mean there are treatments and ways to cope but I think for most people it's something that will always be there. On the other hand a lot of those other items sound like the sorts of things that could go one way or the other. And the only way to really know for sure if they could be worked out is to try to work them out. (If trying to work them out is more appealing to you than just breaking up without trying which is equally valid). But you said that you've discussed you've already discussed them many times and he doesn't seem to get it. So, it sounds like you tried really hard to work them out and that didn't work. Therefore I would say that these particular things cannot be worked out. I don't think breaking up would be an rash choice at all.
posted by cairdeas at 1:48 PM on April 5, 2012

I would start seeing a therapist to try to figure it out- whether it's you being detached or his character traits or both. (Personally I can't deal with dishonest or unethical at all even in hypothetical business talk but would probably feel very badly about the tickets and would wait to break up with him until I was sure. Which might ironically make ME unethical!)
posted by bquarters at 1:48 PM on April 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

He has a million cool ideas and projects -- and doesn't include me in them. He's always doing fun projects with friends but he doesn't include me and never explains why when I ask. I want to have the kind of relationship where we work together on cool stuff.

Have you told him this? If he's excluding you after you have told him you want to be a part of this, then dump his ass.
posted by MysticMCJ at 1:49 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Do you like him? I'll ditto this question. It doesn't sound like you like him very much, like you enjoy being around him, like spending time with him makes you happy.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:49 PM on April 5, 2012

My first reaction is pretty much to nth what roomthreeseventeen siad. But you did say

Completely accepts me and all of my weird neuroses;

makes me feel very secure;

and

it's nice to be with someone serious, loving, and focused on me.

Are those the sort of things that balance out the bad stuff that you listed, as you experience them?
posted by herbplarfegan at 1:51 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

& sorry: what roomthreeseventeen said =

Anything more than 2 paragraphs of drama - break up.
posted by herbplarfegan at 1:53 PM on April 5, 2012

damned closing tags.

we don't have any future plans or things to enjoy together. It all seems kind of generic.

This is also kind of a big deal.

I get the impression (from what little is here) that he's technically good to you, but there's nothing more than superficial interest. If you are coming from a bunch of "douchey guys and players," then I'm sure he can seem appealing - but I'm going to echo the "Do you like him?" question.

If it's just about him being a "decent person" but you guys don't really share anything, then that's a huge deal, and could end very badly.
posted by MysticMCJ at 1:53 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd say most of your list would get better with couples counseling, but he'd have to want to manage the ADD better; it's have to be worth it to you to be patient with that; and the morality difference could still prove to be a dealbreaker (if it's real).
posted by salvia at 1:56 PM on April 5, 2012

Are these normal things that can work out?

Yep, absolutely. But do you want to and more importantly, does he want to? It takes two people to make a relationship work.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:01 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you like the way he makes you feel, but you don't really like him. And this "There's also something... off about him. Like he doesn't seem trustworthy" is a dealbreaker for me 100%. Listen to your instincts.
posted by fshgrl at 2:03 PM on April 5, 2012 [18 favorites]

I'm very confused. And maybe you are, too:

He makes me feel very secure.
...I'm crazy anxious whenever I'm with him and sometimes it takes me days to recover....he doesn't seem trustworthy.

It's nice to be with someone focused on me.
I feel sometimes like he doesn't really see me....He can't seem to focus on me unless he really misses me or something is extra interesting.
posted by thebazilist at 2:03 PM on April 5, 2012 [24 favorites]

I think the change that would need to happen to salvage this relationship is not change that is likely to happen. A lot of these things sound like the sort of behaviors and issues faced by adults with ADHD. What I don't see here is if he's doing anything about it.

I once lost a relationship due to the Adderall shortage. True story. Emotional modulation and impulse control became nearly impossible for me. By the time I realized what was happening it was too late. ADHD is about more than your ability to focus on your homework. Is he taking anything? In therapy?

Anyway. I don't even know that that's going to matter in the long run. What you're describing is a relationship that's basically okay. There are frustrating parts and there are parts that are nice. It's good. It's not great.

What tips the scales for me is the fact that you clearly seem to want a relationship with different things in it. You have needs that aren't being met.

It sounds like you've talked to him about these things and if they haven't changed after eight months, they're not going to change. I personally think you have the right to have a relationship that is great, not just good.

I can't make the decision for you to break up or not. What I will tell you is that once you make the decision, tell him right away. Don't wait it out. There is no good way to dump someone - the most you can be is merciful. If you decide to string it along until after a visit or whatever then there's every chance he'll feel that something's wrong or he'll spend all his time after the fact feeling like he was lied to and trying to understand what happened. Tell him this, if he asks - that you understand the tickets were expensive but you'd rather the hit be financial than have him out there and miserable on a trip with you.

In your situation, I'd leave. But ultimately it's up to you. Take some time to think about it and then be decisive but kind. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:03 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

How often have you taken the initiative? As in, if something he is doing -- grabbing the limelight, blaming people for stuff he did, not paying attention to you -- bothers you, have you told him to cut that shit out? Does he do it? Does he try? Assuming you're not just constantly bugging him about things, if he doesn't have any intention of modifying behavior you find obnoxious, well, you're going to have to either deal with it or break up. A good relationship shouldn't be something you need to recover from.

The ADD will make it hard for him to change for the better, but leaving someone because of their mental state is perfectly okay. It's not his fault, but you shouldn't have to suffer either if you don't want to.

I would feel awful breaking up with him, especially since I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing to do.

If you break up with him, you're going to feel awful anyway. You can feeling slightly less awful by not putting yourself in a situation where you feel like you used him for tickets (I know that's not what is actually happening, but after a break-up you tend to see things in the worst possible light.)

I'm worried that he'll meet someone more compatible at some point and leave me.

A person who would leave someone with whom he is emotionally compatible/in love/whatever with because he found someone with whom he shares interest quite literally has no idea what relationships are about or how to function in them. So either he's not going to do that, or he's probably not the sort of person you're going to get a great life-partner out of.

He's never done anything wrong to me, but I've heard him talk about how to scam someone in business (in a theoretical situation) and he sometimes blames people for things that are his fault (like if someone parked too close to another spot, he'll blame them instead of his own driving skills).

If he hasn't actually gone ahead and done a bunch of unethical stuff, he's probably just bullshitting. I've had plenty of conversations on how to run scams, rig elections, run numbers, and so on. No one I am friends with is actually going to do that sort of stuff -- and we've all had the opportunity -- but it can be a fun sort of thought-experiment. The blaming thing is straight-up insecurity.
posted by griphus at 2:05 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Hi, I'm someone with anxiety married to someone with severe ADD. The good things you listed sound exactly like my husband, as do a few of the bad things.

Like other people said, the ADD is not going to go away and you will drive yourself insane if you think that you can do anything about it. Please educate yourself as much as possible. ADD and Romance is a good book, if somewhat depressing. I won't lie, it can be a struggle some days. However, he accepts my neuroses (as you say), so I accept this immutable part of him.

I would tell him flat out what behaviors are bothering you. Be careful to separate behaviors from the person (ignoring you vs. not liking the same music). Remember that ADD folks have been told they're lazy and weird and sucky all their lives. So do not use adjectives. Say stuff like "When you do that thing where you X, I feel hurt/sad/upset/anxious because Y." Don't whack him all at once with a list, he'll get overwhelmed and it won't go well.

If he does not see the ADD as an issue between you and if he is not willing to get treated for it, I would not stay with him, personally. My husband takes the medication mostly for two reasons: 1) to have a healthy relationship with me and 2) to keep his job. If neither of those things were affected, I'm 100% certain he wouldn't take it. If your guy does go on medication, be prepared for him to be resistant and forgetful (or "forgetful") about taking it.

This is all assuming you want to stay with the guy, which I can't answer. I totally understand your indecision. When it's great, it's awesome, but it can be meh or worse. HOWEVER - that is true of any relationship, ADD or not. Your list of good things is pretty rare to find in a person, and eight months isn't that much time.

So:

1. Stop being a slave to his moods. This took me so fucking long to grasp, but if he gets moody and snarky, you say "It's a sunny day, I'm going to the park!" and leave him the fuck alone. He has ADD, he'll be fine in 10 minutes.
2. Educate yourself about ADD so you get a clear picture of what struggles he and you face.
3. Educate him and let him know the benefit that treatment would bring to your relationship.
4. If #1 is really hard for you, get treatment for your own anxiety whether you stay with him or not.
posted by desjardins at 2:13 PM on April 5, 2012 [14 favorites]

If he does not see the ADD as an issue between you and if he is not willing to get treated for it, I would not stay with him, personally.

This is a really good rule go to by, OP.
posted by griphus at 2:17 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Stop being a slave to his moods. This took me so fucking long to grasp, but if he gets moody and snarky, you say "It's a sunny day, I'm going to the park!" and leave him the fuck alone. He has ADD, he'll be fine in 10 minutes.

This is deep wisdom, right here. It applies to non-ADD people as well.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:24 PM on April 5, 2012 [32 favorites]

It sounds like you want to break up with him, so as an anonymous person on the internet i give you permission to do so.

There doesn't need to be a horrific event or deal breaker to call a relationship off. You've lived with him for six months which is long enough to know in your gut if the relationship isn't working and you should listen to it.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:32 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Anonymous because he reads here, and so does my sister, who will know it's him.

Just want to say that given the details here, he will know who you're talking about if he reads this. But maybe deep down you want that?
posted by amro at 2:36 PM on April 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

A partner with ADD is fine. A partner with untreated ADD who can't maintain the ficus to address problems consistently or is resistant to doing so is not fine. I would just tell him "Look, I really like you and I'd like to see where this can go but if you're unwilling to invest in the relationship by getting treatment for you ADD, I can't stick it. Please think about it and let me know by X date."

Personally I'd tell him on the first trip and ask him to make a decision before the second trip.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:38 PM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

First, the time to break up with someone is as soon as you have made the final decision. Waiting is just torture for both sides.

I agree about the ADD thing. Treated or untreated, there are going to be differences. I recommend the documentary "ADD and Loving It?" because it covers a lot of that stuff. It shows how ADD isn't just "ooh, shiny object". For relationships, the "stickiness" is a huge obstacle. People with ADHD can get stuck on things that are interesting to them, because it quiets the mind. It can be playing Solaire or some interesting project or even staring into space. And when we are interrupted, we get cranky. It's almost like we are being awakened from a nap.

As for the "There's also something... off about him. Like he doesn't seem trustworthy", it is really hard to say. People with ADD can seem that way because when they aren't focusing on you, they are off focusing on other things, and this can feel like they are hiding something, or even like they are just capable of hiding something. I'm not sure that's any more true than for any other random person, but it might be. We can also appear to be squirrely, because when we are trying to focus on something like having a nice meal, there are things constantly assaulting out focus, and that can very legitimately feel like we aren't paying attention.

Being the SO to someone with ADHD isn't for everyone. It is OK to recognize this and deal with it.
posted by gjc at 2:47 PM on April 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

In addition to everyone's smart advice, my personal feeling is that not ordering the same stuff off the menu is fine. Having a nagging gut feeling that you can't trust him is not.

Even if he IS trustworthy and is just squirrelly, I don't know if it matters if you still don't truly trust him. Kind of like even when you're suffering from a psychosomatic illness, you still feel terrible. But only you know if you truly don't trust him on a gut level or if you're just kind of played out in this relationship and looking for reasons to break up with someone whom you know has other really good qualities. For what it's worth, I personally think, "I'm played out in this relationship" is reason enough on its own, especially if it's under a year and there are no kids to consider.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:54 PM on April 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

He seems like he can't do anything that he doesn't want to do in the moment.

From what I understand, this isn't ADD.
posted by rhizome at 2:59 PM on April 5, 2012

If you're "crazy-anxious" when you're around him and it can take days to recover, it's not a sustainable situation for you. That's a lot of long-term stress. At the risk of sounding cliche, being with your partner should be more like a calming refuge rather than the thing that ratchets up your anxiety level.

Has he been formally diagnosed with ADD and is he being treated?
posted by quince at 3:04 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

He seems like he can't do anything that he doesn't want to do in the moment.

From what I understand, this isn't ADD.

No, lack of motivation is pretty much textbook ADD.
posted by desjardins at 3:11 PM on April 5, 2012 [8 favorites]

I have OCD and it drives my wife nuts. But... We're still happily married after almost 14 years. She puts up with those things *in spite of* how much they bug her.

And to be honest, I put up with a lot of her crap too, because it's worth it. You'll never find a perfect guy. You just have to decide if this list of annoyances outweigh the positives.
posted by tacodave at 3:27 PM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

If you're frequently thrown into a state of anxiety from which you take days to recover, then you have my permission as an internet stranger to break up.

It's not his fault and it's not your fault. You're not legally required to accommodate him in a romantic relationship.
posted by tel3path at 4:12 PM on April 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

I've been dating this guy for about 8 months. We got very serious very quickly and have lived together for almost 6 months.

You didn't really know this person, now you do. It's okay that you're not compatible, and yes, when those incompatibilities come in list and long sentence form, you are not compatible. You don't even want the same kind of relationship. Frankly, your list of his "good things" is fairly generic and mostly contradicted by your list of "bad things" to such an extent that I don't even understand why staying is an option.
posted by sm1tten at 4:30 PM on April 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

It sounds like you think he is objectively great and you think you should like him, but you don't actually like him. So you should break up.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:39 PM on April 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

The things that you say are GREAT/good.... Don't mix with the things you think aren't so good. It's like 2 different guys, and a second everyone who gives you permission to leave.
posted by misspony at 5:26 PM on April 5, 2012

Yeah, the not being able to focus on anything he doesn't want to do or isn't interested in is a hallmark of ADHD. Untreated ADHD, anyway. I have it, and with treatment I'm able to focus on things much better than before.

Nthing the suggestion that he get treatment or you check out. Good luck!
posted by palomar at 5:33 PM on April 5, 2012

At eight months, you feel the need to go anonymously on an Internet site, describe in detail your issues with your boyfriend, and ask a bunch of strangers whether you should break up with him.

That's not dispositive, but it is strongly, strongly suggestive that you already know the answer.

It's just way too early in a relationship, and you are way too uncommitted still, for it to be worth harboring these kinds of doubts. You know that it's time to go and it is.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 6:14 PM on April 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

My wife probably could have written something eerily similar 8 months into our relationship many many years ago.

(Then again she didn't (a reflection on her, not me ;-) ))

Sounds like you want to break up. Get it over with.
posted by wrok at 7:54 PM on April 5, 2012

...but I've heard him talk about how to scam someone in business

Something seems "off" to you? Oh hon, he's dishonest, and he's telling you straight up that he is this way and proud of it.

If not already, he'll deceive you in some way, too. That is a neon bright red flag of a personality trait.

DTMFA.
posted by jbenben at 10:10 PM on April 5, 2012 [8 favorites]

move on - everything you described undid all of the good qualities you first described (and then some) much better to be alone than to be with someone who causes you this much anxiety.
posted by BlueMartini7 at 1:23 PM on April 6, 2012