You're amazing!!!........I suck.
April 5, 2012 10:52 AM Subscribe
How to deal with the shame that comes after hypomanic behaviour?
posted by costanza to human relations (19 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
After doing some reading this week, and thinking about my mental state and behaviour over the past 5 years, I am pretty sure that when I see my doctor this week I will be diagnosed with either Bipolar II or cyclothymia.
My personality is naturally shy, and I feel I am at my best when playing the piano, reading/writing, or having a one-on-one conversation. I am on facebook but I am normally shy about posting and having my name splattered all over the place.
But when I am in a phase of hypomania, it's like all the comments I never made and messages I never wrote will come out of me. When the hypomania is over and the shyness returns, I feel so ashamed that I went and made my private thoughts public.
Recently I wrote to a friend that I hadn't spoken to in several months, (my own fault), and said all sorts of nice things about their personality and how awesome they are. I've done this on several occasions with different people. And many times I have done it, the person never replies.
During these phases of hypomania, I also feel extreme awe of certain people, and sometimes feel the need to tell them that I think they are awesome. It nearly always yields a weirded-out result.
I've done the opposite too;sending off an email to an administrator at my school that I dislike and trying to argue about the way things are run; sending vaguely "fuck you" messages to people who annoy me.
Generally: I become far too frank and open about my emotions, which, themselves, are elevated to begin with.
It feels as though I am not myself during those times---I always envision my true self to be a quiet listener and observer. But there is something very gratifying about speaking up once in a while, and I think this urge to make my beliefs known becomes uncontrollable when the hypomania sets in.
So how can I deal with the shame of my uncharacteristic extroversion? And what should I write to the friends who I have expressed awe to? Should I just never write to them again?
Also. Please don't suggest medication. I am skeptical of the medical model as it is and intend to do what I can to help myself without the use of pharmaceuticals.