What to do when someone you love is lying to you?
April 4, 2012 4:07 PM Subscribe
What do you do when someone you love is lying to you?
Details inside! Thanks for the advice:)
posted by blubutterfly to Human Relations (39 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I think the answers to this question have many applications as there are obviously a myriad of situations in our lives that involve others being dishonest. But to give some context the situation is as follows:
My common-law spouse had an affair in November with a co-worker. I had suspicions at the time and brought them up but was told nothing was going on they were friends and that was all. I accepted that as best I could but things still seemed a bit fishy. I think the guilt about lying to me got to him because he suddenly announced he was not sure about our future/if he loved me and needed some time to think. I was devastated but what can you say to that? "Take the time you need and talk to me about how we can work on our relationship so you don't feel that way because I love you and don't want to lose you/our relationship". I did ask if it was because of the coworker but he said that had nothing to do with it he was just confused about his life (in the middle of a very expensive property acquisition to boot).
He spent a week or so visiting family before returning and admitting that it was more than friends with the coworker but that he was sorry, it was a mistake, it was over and could I forgive him.
I agreed to trying to work things out and requested he not have any further contact with her, although I knew that seeing her occasionally at work would be unavoidable I asked that no texting or contact outside of work happen.
We did do a few counselling sessions but it seemed to cause more stress so we did not continue with the appointments although I am seeing a therapist privately to work at healing from this betrayal.
Things have been not too bad of late, the sale of the property went through so we have been working together on it, making plans and trying to communicate more constructively.
I have asked a few times in the past months if she is still texting and he has said not very much and only about work things but that he has returned a few of them in order to preserve a conflict free work environment. He reiterated that he had been very clear with me (and her) that the affair is over and he is committed to me. He assured me he will never make that mistake again.
Here is the big but...
He is lying about the texting. Not only that he is playing iPhone games with her and lying about that as well. They are texting frequently and when I made a 'check-in' inquiry if he has heard from her lately he said no but he did see her at work one day last week.
I think he believes that he can go on being friends with her because he is positive he won't make that mistake again so there is nothing to worry about.
At this point it isn't as much the continued texting that bothers me as much as it is the lying about it.
I am wondering if the guilt will get to him again and he will realize that he cannot stay friends with her while in a relationship with me or if he will decide that he isn't committed to me and eventually leave.
What do you do when someone you love is lying to you?! Should I let it go and see what happens? I am sure he hasn't seen her outside of work since things blew up in December but it's like knowing the ex-alcoholic is walking past a bar and trying to trust that he won't go in and take a drink.
Thanks for reading and for advice!!