What to do with all these emotions
April 4, 2012 7:51 AM Subscribe
Help. Extra-marital infatuation, what can I do?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (92 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
Help me folks.
Here is my situation.
I have been married for a few years. I love my husband deeply and we have always had a great marriage, including great sex. We are very compatible and communicate well. We have one small child who makes us both very happy. Basically my life is pretty awesome and I love it. I feel blessed.
So my husband works full time and I am a full-time mom. I have had a bit of a hard time with this, because I find days spent in the company of a toddler can be ...long. I love my son but I need adult conversation. I love to hang out with other people, (I'm very social) but I am kind of picky in my social interactions – I have no interest in hanging out with other moms just because we are all in the same boat but with nothing interesting to talk about. I like good, conceptual conversation, lowest common denominator conversation (ie kid talk) makes me want to weep with boredom. So I have a couple of great mom friends in my city, but they are busier than me or less up for hanging out than me.
Recently my husband made a new friend who is currently a stay home dad while looking after his toddler, and his wife works full-time. So this friend and I, both looking for good company and interesting conversation while taking care of our toddlers, started hanging out. We found the perfect parent-buddy match in each other. We have great conversations while our kids play. So we found ourselves spending every day that we could together. It has been very fun and exciting and a great relief from the challenge of trying to fill the day with shit to do with our toddlers. (Also it works better for them because they get to run around together.)
So you can see where this is going, right? Me and this guy have completely fallen in love with each other. We discussed this about a week ago, after amorous feelings and sexual tension had been simmering for a while. We are in love and in lust. Now it has become all crazy. We have not kissed, or been sexual, though we have had some lingering embraces... he has made it clear to me that he would gladly “go there” with me, despite his wife. He says that he has been unhappy in his marriage for some time, and being around me makes him less resentful of his marriage/wife. He was sad and down, now he is happy.
I, however, am experiencing exactly the opposite of this. This distraction is making me feel distant from my beloved husband. My marriage has always been so great, and now I am finding it hard to feel the same love for my husband, because that energy is directed elsewhere.
So, right now I am feeling extremely conflicted and messy. I love my husband and am totally committed to our marriage, but I am quite seriously intoxicated by this other man. I find him to be a very dear person, and I cherish our connection, which is not the kind of thing you come across very often. I completely adore his company. He is so unique and interesting to me, and I know that, had we met when we were both single, we would certainly be together. However, that is not to say I love him more than my husband. I don't – I am just intoxicated by it because it's new and exciting. Did I mention we are painfully attracted to each other? I think about sex with him all the time.
My husband and I are not of the “monogamy or death” attitude, we both agree that a transgression on either of our parts would not bring the end of the relationship. We don't exactly have a “free pass”, just an acknowledgement that temptation exists and our relationship is not dependent on total and absolute monogamy-for-ever.
So it's possible that I could sleep with him and my marriage not be doomed, I could maybe discuss it with my husband and come to some agreement. But the problem is I don't think it would be a one-time thing, because of how we feel about each other. It's not just about lust. The emotions are intense.
So, I'm in a total quandary right now. I guess the obvious thing is to stop seeing this guy, suck it up, get over him, and direct my energy back to my husband. But the thought of this seems so tragic, because it's so rare to connect with someone so deeply, and when you find a friend like that you want to hold on to them. So it really seems a shame to let go. I guess I just want it all. I know it's selfish.
The other thing is that this would mean no more fun hanging out with our boys during the day – back to boring days spent alone in the park. I am so reluctant to give this up, because it made my daily life SO much better.
So there are a lot of factors here.
Has anyone been in an experience similar to this? How did you deal with it? Did you have an affair? How did it play out? Did you resist temptation? Did you have to cut it off with the other person and was it hard? I would love to hear about happily married peoples' extra marital infatuations and how they played out.
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