Overdue Wedding Gift Etiquette
April 2, 2012 2:16 PM Subscribe
OverdueWeddingGiftFilter: What's the best way to handle overdue wedding gifts?
A good friend's wedding is coming up this August, and in getting ready for it -- scheduling the time off, hitting the registry, booking tickets, etc -- I've realized that, to my extreme and absolute embarassment, I still owe wedding gifts to two other friends. I don't want to be the lame friend who didn't send a gift, it's just been a hectic couple of years and I was distracted, short on money, and stressed out around the times of those weddings. I fully intended to send gifts to both of them.. but time passed, I'm forgetful, and now I'm very embarassed and not sure what the right etiquette is for these situations:
Couple 1: The bride is one of my best friends from college. We still tend to hang out once every month or two. She got married in August 2010, so I'm a year and a half late here! I feel awful - I was one of the bridesmaids, for Pete's sake! If I bring it up to her directly, she'll probably laugh it off, but I still feel pretty crappy. Should I send a gift now? Bring her and her hubby a gift in person, and apologize for being lame? Offer to take them to dinner to make it up to them? I have no idea at this point where they were registered, or even if the registry would still be up.
Couple 2: Bride and groom were in my general circle of friends in college. I was never overly close to either of them; they were more close friends with a couple of MY best friends (one of whom is the dude getting married this August). They were married in April 2011, so I'm about a year late. I don't see them often at all -- maybe once every year or 18 months (in fact, the last time I saw them was at their wedding). However, I do know that I'll see them at the wedding this August, so I'd feel super awkward to show up with gift in hand for my buddy at his wedding, while never having done anything for them. I don't see them regularly enough to feel super comfortable taking them out to dinner, but once again, I have no idea at this point where their registry information is.
What would be the best way to fix these two oversights? Should I confess and ask them for registry info (or would that be tasteless, this much after the fact)? Should I just try to get them something of my own choosing? I don't mind owning up to either couple, I just want to make sure I'm not making things even more awkward.
I did see this question, but the situation is a bit different since the asker had already acknowledged the lack of a gift at the time of the wedding.. whereas I'm just realizing my slip now.
Thanks for any input, mefi!!
A good friend's wedding is coming up this August, and in getting ready for it -- scheduling the time off, hitting the registry, booking tickets, etc -- I've realized that, to my extreme and absolute embarassment, I still owe wedding gifts to two other friends. I don't want to be the lame friend who didn't send a gift, it's just been a hectic couple of years and I was distracted, short on money, and stressed out around the times of those weddings. I fully intended to send gifts to both of them.. but time passed, I'm forgetful, and now I'm very embarassed and not sure what the right etiquette is for these situations:
Couple 1: The bride is one of my best friends from college. We still tend to hang out once every month or two. She got married in August 2010, so I'm a year and a half late here! I feel awful - I was one of the bridesmaids, for Pete's sake! If I bring it up to her directly, she'll probably laugh it off, but I still feel pretty crappy. Should I send a gift now? Bring her and her hubby a gift in person, and apologize for being lame? Offer to take them to dinner to make it up to them? I have no idea at this point where they were registered, or even if the registry would still be up.
Couple 2: Bride and groom were in my general circle of friends in college. I was never overly close to either of them; they were more close friends with a couple of MY best friends (one of whom is the dude getting married this August). They were married in April 2011, so I'm about a year late. I don't see them often at all -- maybe once every year or 18 months (in fact, the last time I saw them was at their wedding). However, I do know that I'll see them at the wedding this August, so I'd feel super awkward to show up with gift in hand for my buddy at his wedding, while never having done anything for them. I don't see them regularly enough to feel super comfortable taking them out to dinner, but once again, I have no idea at this point where their registry information is.
What would be the best way to fix these two oversights? Should I confess and ask them for registry info (or would that be tasteless, this much after the fact)? Should I just try to get them something of my own choosing? I don't mind owning up to either couple, I just want to make sure I'm not making things even more awkward.
I did see this question, but the situation is a bit different since the asker had already acknowledged the lack of a gift at the time of the wedding.. whereas I'm just realizing my slip now.
Thanks for any input, mefi!!
Been in a similar situation and sent a gift of my choosing despite the tardiness (was a slip). The thought not really the gift is what ultimately counts, and I'm pretty sure they'll appreciate your thinking of them despite the delay. Bonus: new gifts to process after the initial fray.
posted by wallawallasweet at 2:28 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by wallawallasweet at 2:28 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not an etiquette expert by any stretch, but maybe tie it to their anniversaries? (Yes, that means a bit of a scramble for couple #2.) That way it doesn't seem like "Oh shit, Friend X's wedding reminded me that I forgot a gift for yours."
Nice dinner is always a good idea. So is good vintage wine or liquor (if you know that they drink.) Asking for registry information now could be a bit of a hassle, depending on how they set it up.
And, just to make you feel a bit better: if they're good friends and still hang out with you, they probably understood that things were hectic for you at the time and don't mind (and, quite possibly, weren't too into the wedding gifts thing anyway.)
posted by kagredon at 2:28 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Nice dinner is always a good idea. So is good vintage wine or liquor (if you know that they drink.) Asking for registry information now could be a bit of a hassle, depending on how they set it up.
And, just to make you feel a bit better: if they're good friends and still hang out with you, they probably understood that things were hectic for you at the time and don't mind (and, quite possibly, weren't too into the wedding gifts thing anyway.)
posted by kagredon at 2:28 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: 1.) Being a bridesmaid is a pretty expensive endeavor in itself -- I wouldn't feel too bad about this! If it was a typical large wedding, they were probably overwhelmed with gifts and thank-you notes right after the event anyway. I think that taking them out to dinner is a great idea. Sometimes you don't need any more "stuff" and connections with other people is a more valuable thing.
2.) Don't worry about the registry -- just send them something fun and useful. I like Penzey's Spices for off-registry gifts. Perhaps a set of grilling spices from Penzey's would make a nice gift at this time of year.
posted by Ostara at 2:29 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
2.) Don't worry about the registry -- just send them something fun and useful. I like Penzey's Spices for off-registry gifts. Perhaps a set of grilling spices from Penzey's would make a nice gift at this time of year.
posted by Ostara at 2:29 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would just ask. Their registry may still be up, or it may not. They may have one of those, "You know, we could really use..." type of things that's been sitting in the "save for later" section of their Amazon shopping cart. (Projecting much?) Or they could not care so much about gifts and would prefer going out to dinner.
posted by supercres at 2:31 PM on April 2, 2012
posted by supercres at 2:31 PM on April 2, 2012
If I were in your shoes, I'd wait until their respective anniversaries, make a donation each to their favorite charity, have the charity notify them of the gift you made in honor of the anniversary.
posted by juniperesque at 2:36 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by juniperesque at 2:36 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't worry too much about playing catch-up. You could always send a card on their wedding anniversary, that would be very sweet.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:49 PM on April 2, 2012
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:49 PM on April 2, 2012
Couple #1: You are not obligated to give them a gift. Bridesmaids/groomsmen are given gifts from the bride and groom for being part of their wedding, not the other way around.
Couple #2: You are within the limits of etiquette, as the "rules" state that gifts given within a year's time of the wedding are "on time."
posted by xingcat at 2:54 PM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Couple #2: You are within the limits of etiquette, as the "rules" state that gifts given within a year's time of the wedding are "on time."
posted by xingcat at 2:54 PM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think it's fine to just buy a gift that's not from the registry. Juniperesque's idea is really nice.
But you can do a few online searches very easily and quickly just to see if they still have something up on any of the usual registry websites. I'd check bed bath and beyond, crate and barrel, macy's, amazon, jcpenney's and maybe target / walmart.
A gift card could be great too - could allow them to buy something they *now* know they need, but didn't anticipate needing a year ago. There's an argument that gift cards are impersonal, but I think pairing it with a small personal gift helps with that.
posted by bunderful at 2:55 PM on April 2, 2012
But you can do a few online searches very easily and quickly just to see if they still have something up on any of the usual registry websites. I'd check bed bath and beyond, crate and barrel, macy's, amazon, jcpenney's and maybe target / walmart.
A gift card could be great too - could allow them to buy something they *now* know they need, but didn't anticipate needing a year ago. There's an argument that gift cards are impersonal, but I think pairing it with a small personal gift helps with that.
posted by bunderful at 2:55 PM on April 2, 2012
Yep, gift card is a great way to go. Include a handwritten note saying, "I love you, I am so sorry I didn't get you a gift earlier, please use this to buy something that makes you happy." It's always gracious to acknowledge a slip and repair it. Most people don't.
posted by elizeh at 7:04 PM on April 2, 2012
posted by elizeh at 7:04 PM on April 2, 2012
Best answer: We received a couple gifts were more than a year late, from people who didn't have much money or time when we got married, and it was joyful to relive the day with them when the gift was received.
I don't think you should ask about the registries, either figure it out online or just send something with a nice card. The anniversary seems like a good link to make if you feel you have to, but don't force it.
People don't get married for the gifts, it's nice that you've remembered.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 7:09 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't think you should ask about the registries, either figure it out online or just send something with a nice card. The anniversary seems like a good link to make if you feel you have to, but don't force it.
People don't get married for the gifts, it's nice that you've remembered.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 7:09 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
We also got a couple gifts that were "late". Both of them happened to be gift cards to awesome restaurants, which were perfect at the time they came. It was totally fine. I appreciated that they eventually remembered, and also sort of enjoyed spreading it out.
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:37 PM on April 2, 2012
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:37 PM on April 2, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
2) Just get them a gift -- a year is generally the amount of time you have. Don't worry about a registry, just get something. Write a note apologizing for the lateness and mentioning something about the wedding and congratulating them on their one-year anniversary.
3) Don't show up "gift in hand" for any wedding -- dealing with gifts at the ceremony is a big pain in the ass, and theft happens. Order it and have it delivered (or buy in person and mail it yourself) to them right before or after the wedding.
posted by brainmouse at 2:20 PM on April 2, 2012 [6 favorites]