why is new boyfriend pulling away?
March 30, 2012 10:19 AM Subscribe
How to respond when new boyfriend grows distant?
posted by anonymous to human relations (47 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I've been dating a guy I met online for two months. We're both in our late 20s and live an hour apart. At first he came on very strong and seemed really into me. He was eager to commit, texted me all the time, was fun to be around, planned a weekend trip away. It felt great, if a little intense - I reciprocated.
A few weeks in, there was a slowdown. He started texting me 1/8 as much. He seemed less enthusiastic about seeing me. He acted kind of grouchy and quiet when we were together. This didn't seem to coincide with anything, like work stress or a fight. I gently tried to ask about this, and he grew very defensive, saying sometimes he is just quiet. He then said he felt like I was fawning and complimented him too much. Not 24/7, but sometimes. I was very surprised, but listened to the feedback and agreed to tone it down. It then occurred to me that he had never complimented *me.* No "you look nice today," "you're pretty," etc. I didn't think I complimented him too much, but was willing to adapt.
Anyway, after this conversation, he withdrew even more. I asked him to come to an event to support me, and he said it would not be convenient for him, and did not come. I began to feel hurt and to have real doubts about whether we were a good match. I said this to him. He then said it was very important to him to have me in his life, I am special, he likes the reflective conversations we have, but I was blowing things out of proportion. So we kept dating. A week later, he is still limiting the communication, acting "meh" and unenthusiastic, etc. He is not physically affectionate anymore. I have tried to let him have some space while still being warm.
This guy was so fun to be with at first. Was I wrong to say what I did? Is he just not into me? Is there any way to course correct now? Should I pull away and act "meh" too, or continue to be warm, or just break it off? I just want him to be like he was the first few weeks, and I don't know why he changed. I feel anxious and frustrated. This seems to be a pattern for me, where guys come on strong, then they back off, and I don't know why. How could I have handled this better? Is there anything I can do now to salvage this? We are still technically dating, he is just continuing to act distant and pull away. For all I know, he plans to dump me when I see him this weekend.