Does he like me too?
March 28, 2012 8:49 PM Subscribe
Dear mefites, please share your wisdom. I have developed a crush on a guy I work with and I can't tell whether he likes me or not.
posted by anonymous to human relations (36 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Our situation is that we are in the same (small) academic department where I am a (female) phd student and he is a new assistant professor. We've known each other for over a half a year. We are both in our late twenties (he's at most one year older than me) and I know he's single. He is one of the kindest and good natured people I have ever met. On top, he happens to be incredibly handsome, intelligent, and has a really good sense of humor. Overall, I’m very impressed by him and I haven’t met many men that have had this effect on me.
Our interaction so far:
At school we end up talking at length one-on-one (i.e. for an hour) about once a week or once in two weeks, and a bunch of smaller chit-chats from running into each other at school. Our discussions are mostly work related and are on the serious side and not flirtatious. Only sometimes, we are on the border of flirtatiousness (meaning just a lot of big smiles on both of our faces). At school functions, neither of us seek each other out in the crowd and talk. At least he doesn't and I also make a conscious effort to not do that so that I don’t come off desperate.
However, two 2 months ago I initiated that we run together. So in the past 2 months, we’ve been jogging together 1-3 times a week for about an hour to hour and a half. So that’s been our only “outside-of-school” “hang-outs”. I really enjoy our runs, we chat the whole time and rarely about school or work. I find him ridiculously funny and witty, so I crack up very easily at his jokes.
We don’t have a “friendship” beyond this. We’re not at a stage where it’s comfortable for me to suggest we hang out by, say, going for a beer or burger after our run. Also, I think so far I've hid my feelings pretty well in that I don't flirt with him. I tend to tease him rather than compliment or flatter him. He does the same to me. Only once or twice we’ve said genuinely nice things about each other to each other (e.g. him mentioning I’m kind to him when we run by running at his pace instead of mine; or, me telling him how our department got lucky by being able to recruit and attract someone like him).
Signs so far that he at least does not dislike me:
1) Couple months ago, he has offered to work on a project together. Projects in our field are pretty involved requiring collaboration often over 2-3 years. Usually, professors don’t freely dispense to students these offers, and only want to work with students who are good and someone they could get along with.
2) The fact that he’s been happy to run with me and initiates running together as frequently as I do, despite him never running before (or any other kind of exercise) on a regular basis.
3) When we’re in a seminar together, I feel like he tries to check me out but discreetly (i.e. looks away very quickly when I look at him. Of course I always want to look in his direction as well both to check him out and also to see if he’s checking me out but now I consciously avoid looking at him)
I don't think my attractiveness is an issue: I've seriously dated and have been hit on by guys as good looking as he is. But, of course, I could be totally wrong about this or that I’m just not his type.
Possible scenarios of whether he's interested in me or not:
1) He is not interested at all (even if I were to somehow make my feelings explicitly known to him). Part of me thinks this because his actions (really, the lack thereof) should speak louder than any conflicting messages he might be sending.
2) He has not considered me in a romantic way but could if I were to be explicit about my feelings (I thought of this because i've been on the other side).
3) Although he likes me, he is not doing anything because:
a) he is a professor and is hesitant to date a student in the same program
b) he is not sure I’m interested in him and doesn’t want to take any risks. (He’s more on the reserved side.)
c) I’ll be done with my PhD in about 1 to 2 years, so even if anything serious were to come out of this, we’re talking long distance for a while.
Which would you guess it is?
I’d like to resolve this soon even if I were to find out that he’s not interested at all. That way I could move on and stop being so distracted by this guy. But I’m hesitant to make the first move as I’ve never been the one to do so and all my past relationships have been initiated by the other person. What holds me back the most in this situation is the lack of any (obvious) signs or hints from him.
Do you have any advice or suggestions? e.g. should I try to flirt more? if so, what’s a good way to flirt in my situation?
If you've been in a similar situation both as the crusher or the crushee, please share your experience.
It seems the most natural thing to do next (on my part) is to ask him if he wants to grab a burger after one of our runs. But my suggestion to run together in the first place was a pretty significant “first move” and I don’t want to do all the initiating here. Am I wrong to think this?
Thanks so much for bearing with me on my super long and somewhat pathetic story. In case you find the need to email me, please email me here: email@example.com