I feel like my depression and loneliness are growing worse and it's starting to become unmanageable. I could use some help or some advice or something. I'm not doing so well.
posted by Modica to Health & Fitness (30 answers total) 29 users marked this as a favorite
For the past eight years, I've been dealing with severe depression (it goes farther back than that, but that's when I started to get help). Each year has seemed worse and more dim than the last. From 2004 to 2006, I had frequent panic attacks, insomnia. From 2006 to 2007, I was more or less at my best, though prone to moments of extreme anger. From 2007 to 2010, I was drunk, pretty much every night. From 2010 to the spring of 2011, I was still drinking, though this time I was in substance abuse treatment and on medications that helped.
Over the past year, I've been sober. Eleven months, in fact, as of last week. And while there has been a notable increase in my clarity, there has also been a noticeable increase in my isolation, my dislike of other people, and my loneliness. Without alcohol clouding and covering up everything, I've had to return to a 'normal' state of mind which for me is one of self-hatred, self-doubt, constant disappointment in myself and others, and immense frustration.
This stems from a number of things. I don't have many friends (I lost most of my friends while I was drunk from pushing them away, pissing them off, or realizing that they weren't friends but drinking buddies and so I cut them out). I also have zero romantic prospects and zero luck in that sphere (I tend to not get second dates, girls I'm seeing/trying to see are busy or flakey) which in itself brings up a whole host of body image issues I have been struggling to deal with. Pretty much the only interactions I have with people are in passing – gas stations, stores, etc. – except at work. Which is a mixed blessing because of how much I can't stand other people.
The problem is I dislike myself more. And so on nights like tonight, for example, when plans with a coworker ended up getting canceled (with little explanation) and a girl I've been out with a few times is, once again, delivering nothing but radio silence (we went out twice a couple weeks ago and while she says she wants to see me again, it sure doesn't seem that way), I began to feel that loneliness and hear the negativity in my head in a big way. And that makes me want to go out and drink.
I've tried to be open and receptive to making friends. I try to hang out with my coworkers on a regular basis. But I don't know what else to do. I have no interest in anything at this point in time and I struggle to force myself to do anything social (usually because it involves either alcohol or having to deal with people who for one reason or another (whether it's their having a significant other or being in decent shape or whatever) make me feel insignificant, worthless, hopeless.
On nights like tonight, where I'm just sitting around by myself because there's no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, I start to lose sight of the point of this whole life thing. Especially with each year growing worse and worse, I feel like it's ridiculous to go through all the pain and anger and frustration for...what, exactly? This train of thought is not new; it's been in my head for years. But the amount of which I think about ending myself now, the casualness with which I look at the idea instead of panic that I used to feel, the growing ambivalence towards everything, that's what scares me.
I do see a therapist every week, a psychiatrist every month, and I'm currently on medications and I do exercise, I do sleep right. I recently switched from the day shift to the night shift on my doctor's suggestion because I was recently diagnosed with narcolepsy and he thinks that working nights (when I'm not as tired, can get into bed after work, and can wake up and be active in the morning) is healthier for me. But I'm remembering why I stopped working nights – at nights my depression and my desire to drink rise to their strongest point.
I have no distractions. Video games used to help, but they do nothing for me. I try to read and I just get angry at myself that I haven't been working on my writing or tired and sleepy. I have no interest in anything, like I said, and a very difficult time forcing myself to try to do anything. So here I am, just sitting, wondering why no one ever wants to hang out with me, why I even bother with other people, with my life, what my point or purpose is, why everything is just continually shitty.
I need help.