My boyfriend committed suicide
March 27, 2012 7:02 PM Subscribe
I left him. Packed up my stuff, and the pets. He was there trying to keep it together even though I could see his pain. He killed himself 10 days later. Everyone is saying it's not my fault and not to blame myself. How?
posted by puppup to human relations (53 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
My brain knows that he was not well and that I was not in control of his actions. I asked him to get help many times. But he basically said that he was going to kill himself and I ignored all the signs. I didn't believe him and thought he was trying to manipulate me. When I looked at myths about suicide all I can see are the many ways that I failed. I left because the relationship was bad. We weren't happy. But this relationship has been going on (and off) for 14 years. He is all I know. I didn't want to be with him anymore but I didn't want anyone else. I wanted to know he was out there in the world somewhere.
We talked right before and he was very angry and raging. I told him I wouldn't stay on the phone and let him talk to me that way. He left voice mails saying that at least he knew that he was the last person who loved me and enjoyed me. His last text said that I'm selfish and that what was about to happen was my fault. I went to bed. Didn't hear from him again. The silence didn't even feel right. I called him, no answer. Called someone else to see if they'd seem him. Four days after that last text his body was found in the apartment that we shared.
I keep going back to all the ways that I was bad in the relationship and how I hurt him. He was begging me for love and I was so withholding and rejected him so often. Looking back he was so right about so many things but I was too stubborn. He told me that he needed affection to feel loved and he didn't get that from me. He'd say I was selfish, self involved. He's right. He was reaching out to everyone and just kept getting brushed off. He had to have been in so much pain! He had an awful relationship with his family and hadn't seen them in years despite them being 15 minutes away. He said and believed that I was all he had. And sometimes that was overwhelming.
On top of that I keep thinking not so much of the horrible things he said to me but the horrible things he said about me to other people. I don't think I've ever cared what people thought and all of a sudden it matters. During our last breakup he couldn't cope and the same thing happened. He said he attempted suicide but I thought he was being dramatic. He was crying out for help for so long and no one helped him. Especially not me. We were broken up for around a year and a half. During that time he became involved with someone else. I didn't have an issue since we weren't together. A few months after we got back together this person contacts me via email to inform me about the extent of their relationship and things he had told her about me. Things like he was embarrassed to be seen with me. That he was calling her begging her for sex and saying that he was confused between the both of us. Other things as well. And now I'm seeing this person fairly regularly. I'm obsessing over what their relationship was like and imagining them having sex. Wondering if he loved her. For some reason even after all this I need to know that he loved me. That he didn't love her. Because if not, then I've thrown away a huge chunk of my life with someone who didn't like me, didn't love me, was embarrassed to walk down the street with me. I know it doesn't matter but it's eating me up.
I do have a psychiatrist and have been diagnosed as bipolar and adhd. I believe that the diagnoses and treatment helped me clear my head enough to make me realize that I needed to leave this relationship. But now I feel like I've taken many steps back. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so guilty and so desperate for answers. I don't believe in God so there is no comfort in thinking that maybe he went to heaven and is not suffering anymore. He's just dead. He died angry with me. Emotionally suffering. Everyone and every thing looks different now. I go to work and can hardly pretend to give a shit. My family is reaching out but what is there to say? People keep saying "how are you?", "are you ok?". I'm not even crying. And I'm a crier in general. Time heals all wounds - but what do I do now?