How should I deal with being misgendered in a professional situation?
March 26, 2012 7:18 PM Subscribe
I'm an academic who officially gender transitioned about three years ago, and am fortunate enough in my appearance that strangers now almost always refer to me as "he" or "sir." Yet some colleagues consistently misgender me, which can be quite awkward in professional contexts. How ought I respond?
I understand that slips of the tongue happen, and if you have known a person for some time before their gender transition, it can be harder to make the pronoun transition. While there's no malicious intent, being mispronouned is still disconcerting to me, and confusing to other people who are present and don't know my history. Extinguishing the use of the wrong pronoun occurs through practice. Would it be appropriate for me to send a polite email asking such (senior) colleagues to practice using the correct pronoun for me in the privacy of their own offices or homes? Is there another approach that might work better?
Some individuals who misgender me are people who never met me before my transition, but know that I am a trans man. (For example, one administrator told me she had Googled my name before our meeting with some visitors, had found my personal blog, and had read my "interesting post about being a transgender." She proceeded to refer to me as "she" throughout the function, though I corrected her twice, with a friendly smile.) Such situations are not only uncomfortable, but also disturbing to me. Any advice on how best to handle them?
I understand that slips of the tongue happen, and if you have known a person for some time before their gender transition, it can be harder to make the pronoun transition. While there's no malicious intent, being mispronouned is still disconcerting to me, and confusing to other people who are present and don't know my history. Extinguishing the use of the wrong pronoun occurs through practice. Would it be appropriate for me to send a polite email asking such (senior) colleagues to practice using the correct pronoun for me in the privacy of their own offices or homes? Is there another approach that might work better?
Some individuals who misgender me are people who never met me before my transition, but know that I am a trans man. (For example, one administrator told me she had Googled my name before our meeting with some visitors, had found my personal blog, and had read my "interesting post about being a transgender." She proceeded to refer to me as "she" throughout the function, though I corrected her twice, with a friendly smile.) Such situations are not only uncomfortable, but also disturbing to me. Any advice on how best to handle them?
I would say so, particularly since in the privacy of their home or office, they may be talking to other students about you.
posted by spunweb at 7:29 PM on March 26, 2012
posted by spunweb at 7:29 PM on March 26, 2012
(For example, one administrator told me she had Googled my name before our meeting with some visitors, had found my personal blog, and had read my "interesting post about being a transgender." She proceeded to refer to me as "she" throughout the function, though I corrected her twice, with a friendly smile.)Was her behavior deliberate, or did she also refer to you by the correct pronoun?
If someone uses the wrong pronoun in face to face conversation, I would absolutely use a gentle "wrong pronoun, Fred" or something similar. I don't personally think that practice at home makes a whole lot of sense? I think they probably need corrected when they actually slip up. If someone gets tetchy about it, remind them that if it's tiresome for them, it must be even more so for you.
posted by kavasa at 7:35 PM on March 26, 2012
to practice using the correct pronoun for me in the privacy of their own offices or homes
I don't think you can dictate their behavior to that specific level, no. But of course you can request they call you by the correct pronoun.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:37 PM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]
I don't think you can dictate their behavior to that specific level, no. But of course you can request they call you by the correct pronoun.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:37 PM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]
Would it be appropriate for me to send a polite email asking such (senior) colleagues to practice using the correct pronoun for me in the privacy of their own offices or homes?
I don't think anyone would hold it against you, but I also don't think anyone would actually "practice", and the net result would be to make people awkward and anxious around you. If they're not transphobic, they already know which pronoun they should be using, and they probably already beat themselves up when they slip. (This, at least, is my experience in interacting with an employee who recently transitioned. I got angry at myself whenever I slipped.)
As for the second type of situation, which really does look like transphobia, I think it would be appropriate to assert yourself a little more aggressively. Let them know they're behaving offensively, and instruct them explicitly to stop. I think it would also be appropriate in this situation to bring in a sympathetic authority figure (department chair?) to correct the offensive behavior.
posted by mr_roboto at 7:40 PM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't think anyone would hold it against you, but I also don't think anyone would actually "practice", and the net result would be to make people awkward and anxious around you. If they're not transphobic, they already know which pronoun they should be using, and they probably already beat themselves up when they slip. (This, at least, is my experience in interacting with an employee who recently transitioned. I got angry at myself whenever I slipped.)
As for the second type of situation, which really does look like transphobia, I think it would be appropriate to assert yourself a little more aggressively. Let them know they're behaving offensively, and instruct them explicitly to stop. I think it would also be appropriate in this situation to bring in a sympathetic authority figure (department chair?) to correct the offensive behavior.
posted by mr_roboto at 7:40 PM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't think your idea of sending a polite email is inappropriate, but I think this is a situation where a friendly ally who is senior to the colleagues who are misgendering you could do a lot of good. The ally could, in a casual conversation, explain that it's really important for the folks who are misgendering you to try to get this right. They could then suggest practicing at home, and offer to practice talking about you, using the correct pronouns, for a couple minutes.
Whether this would work really would depend on the personalities involved, of course.
posted by insectosaurus at 7:41 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Whether this would work really would depend on the personalities involved, of course.
posted by insectosaurus at 7:41 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
People may be more responsive if you take them aside privately. You don't want to be seen as "That jerk who embarrassed me" instead of "That kind person who I embarrassed by accident."
posted by bleep at 7:42 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 7:42 PM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
And I don't mean that calling them out in public is necessarily jerky, but people get unpredictable when they get called out.
posted by bleep at 7:44 PM on March 26, 2012
posted by bleep at 7:44 PM on March 26, 2012
She proceeded to refer to me as "she" throughout the function, though I corrected her twice, with a friendly smile.
i'll assume the admin. wasn't being malicious. i think a follow up email would be appropriate, saying pretty much what you already said. if you politely corrected her twice, in public, the the admin. embarrassed herself, not you, to the people paying attention.
FWIW, i'd be a little offended if i was given "homework" to practice using the right pronoun. maybe you could say "many people find that if they make a little effort to consistently use the new pronoun at first, then it quickly becomes second nature."
posted by cupcake1337 at 7:53 PM on March 26, 2012
i'll assume the admin. wasn't being malicious. i think a follow up email would be appropriate, saying pretty much what you already said. if you politely corrected her twice, in public, the the admin. embarrassed herself, not you, to the people paying attention.
FWIW, i'd be a little offended if i was given "homework" to practice using the right pronoun. maybe you could say "many people find that if they make a little effort to consistently use the new pronoun at first, then it quickly becomes second nature."
posted by cupcake1337 at 7:53 PM on March 26, 2012
had Googled my name before our meeting [...] found my personal blog [...] proceeded to refer to me as "she" throughout the function, though I corrected her twice
Wow, this is really upsetting just to read about--I can only imagine how awful it must feel to be the recipient of such unpardonably rude behavior. In a circumstance such as that, you're dealing with a person who has made a conscious decision to be disrespectful, and that's a much larger problem than changing habitual pronoun use. Like with any other person who has chosen to be rude, challenging them on their rudeness will not likely have any effect. I can only applaud you for taking the high road by correcting her politely and with a smile.
As far as asking people to practice at home in order to avoid making the mistake... I have a hard time imagining how even the most well-meaning, eager-to-avoid-offence people would put that into practice. But certainly an email reinforcing how important it is that the correct pronoun be used (not just for you personally, but for all trans people everywhere) would be completely appropriate.
posted by jesourie at 7:54 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Wow, this is really upsetting just to read about--I can only imagine how awful it must feel to be the recipient of such unpardonably rude behavior. In a circumstance such as that, you're dealing with a person who has made a conscious decision to be disrespectful, and that's a much larger problem than changing habitual pronoun use. Like with any other person who has chosen to be rude, challenging them on their rudeness will not likely have any effect. I can only applaud you for taking the high road by correcting her politely and with a smile.
As far as asking people to practice at home in order to avoid making the mistake... I have a hard time imagining how even the most well-meaning, eager-to-avoid-offence people would put that into practice. But certainly an email reinforcing how important it is that the correct pronoun be used (not just for you personally, but for all trans people everywhere) would be completely appropriate.
posted by jesourie at 7:54 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: There's a dilemma in the issue of gentle correction/calling people out during conversation. As bleep points out, it can make people defensive. But in my accumulated experience, while people do often "beat themselves up" when they catch themselves slipping, as mr_roboto says, the real problem is that the people who are still using the wrong pronoun for me years after my transition generally don't notice or realize it, so they don't attend to trying to correct it.
posted by DrMew at 8:01 PM on March 26, 2012
posted by DrMew at 8:01 PM on March 26, 2012
Are you sure it isn't ignorance? Clearly, colleagues who knew you prior to your transition can see that you are now a He, so it should be obvious, but I guess it is possible not to know the proper etiquette.
I think perhaps visiting them privately, rather than emailing, would be best.
As for the obnoxious lady who wouldn't address you properly, I think it would be entirely appropriate to interrupt her and ask her if she intended to offend you, and why she continued to do so, and even walk away if she made no attempt to respect your repeated requests.
posted by misha at 8:07 PM on March 26, 2012
I think perhaps visiting them privately, rather than emailing, would be best.
As for the obnoxious lady who wouldn't address you properly, I think it would be entirely appropriate to interrupt her and ask her if she intended to offend you, and why she continued to do so, and even walk away if she made no attempt to respect your repeated requests.
posted by misha at 8:07 PM on March 26, 2012
Asking friends and family to practice the right pronoun in their heads makes sense, they'd be thinking if you anyway, so they may as well go ahead and practice saying the right word when they do.
But for professional colleagues, I think this would be confusing -- practically speaking, this would mean that they'd be spending non-work time thinking about how they don't understand their colleague's gender.
I imagine that the number of excuses that you hear for willful rudeness and ignorance must be exhausting, but I will say have met people who have a sort of literal-minded go-by-the-book sense of propriety = politeness. Even to the extent that they are actually incredibly rude. Politeness, of course, prevents me from calling this a total fucking lack of common sense.
My advice would be to talk to the person privately and just simply and kindly say "You probably wouldn't like to be referred to by the wrong gender, right? I'm male. This is a fact. If you have any questions about this, you can ask me. But please do not refer to me as female."
posted by desuetude at 8:08 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
But for professional colleagues, I think this would be confusing -- practically speaking, this would mean that they'd be spending non-work time thinking about how they don't understand their colleague's gender.
I imagine that the number of excuses that you hear for willful rudeness and ignorance must be exhausting, but I will say have met people who have a sort of literal-minded go-by-the-book sense of propriety = politeness. Even to the extent that they are actually incredibly rude. Politeness, of course, prevents me from calling this a total fucking lack of common sense.
My advice would be to talk to the person privately and just simply and kindly say "You probably wouldn't like to be referred to by the wrong gender, right? I'm male. This is a fact. If you have any questions about this, you can ask me. But please do not refer to me as female."
posted by desuetude at 8:08 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
re your update: if they keep doing it after you've already corrected them, then each time you correct them after that you should use more serious language and bring the weight of anti-discrimination anti-harassment policies of your school down upon them.
i mean, each time you have to correct them you should get a little more formal. if it keeps happening, bring in the dept. chair. still happening? contact HR. gender identity is a protected class where you live, right? your school should have policies about harassment, you can use them.
the key is to escalate, just a little, the seriousness of the message each time after it's clear the last one didn't sink in. if you do it right, decent people will eventually come around, and by the time it comes to take disciplinary action against the ones who aren't decent, you'll have everyone else on your side.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:14 PM on March 26, 2012
i mean, each time you have to correct them you should get a little more formal. if it keeps happening, bring in the dept. chair. still happening? contact HR. gender identity is a protected class where you live, right? your school should have policies about harassment, you can use them.
the key is to escalate, just a little, the seriousness of the message each time after it's clear the last one didn't sink in. if you do it right, decent people will eventually come around, and by the time it comes to take disciplinary action against the ones who aren't decent, you'll have everyone else on your side.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:14 PM on March 26, 2012
I think for casual slips from a person who does it right most or nearly all of the time, a quick reminder with a smile is all that you should do. But for that administrator, I wonder if you'd feel comfortable speaking with her directly. I kind of feel like she is either deeply ignorant or deeply uncomfortable with the whole idea. And there are many, many people out there who have zero experience with trans people or know anything about what is appropriate etiquette. And they may also just be uncomfortable or, even, malicious.
I think it's weird that she did background on you, weird that she read your blog and really weird that she brought it up as "interesting." But, since she went there, I think you two are now more intimately connected and it wouldn't be out of line to speak with her privately, tell her your concerns and ask if she had any questions that she wanted to ask you that weren't answered by reading the blog. And then end it with sincere thanks for listening and talking and reiterate that you would prefer to be referred to as "he."
After that, if she messes up, you'll know she's being just flat out rude.
posted by amanda at 8:19 PM on March 26, 2012
I think it's weird that she did background on you, weird that she read your blog and really weird that she brought it up as "interesting." But, since she went there, I think you two are now more intimately connected and it wouldn't be out of line to speak with her privately, tell her your concerns and ask if she had any questions that she wanted to ask you that weren't answered by reading the blog. And then end it with sincere thanks for listening and talking and reiterate that you would prefer to be referred to as "he."
After that, if she messes up, you'll know she's being just flat out rude.
posted by amanda at 8:19 PM on March 26, 2012
It's quite difficult to make the pronoun change. I don't think you can pre-correct people, and asking people to practice at home is not likely to be successful.
The person who read your blog? Perhaps you could post your suggestion there, along with some Etiquette commentary. If your academic field is gender-related, comments about your blog and your experience might be relevant; otherwise it's not appropriate to make it part of a professional meeting, but people do Google others before meeting them, so make use of it.
As far as people at work, talk to your chair or dean or an influential faculty or staff member, and ask for some help reinforcing respect for diversity. People are followers, and when an alpha community member sets the example, or even has a word with someone, it makes a big difference.
posted by theora55 at 8:31 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
The person who read your blog? Perhaps you could post your suggestion there, along with some Etiquette commentary. If your academic field is gender-related, comments about your blog and your experience might be relevant; otherwise it's not appropriate to make it part of a professional meeting, but people do Google others before meeting them, so make use of it.
As far as people at work, talk to your chair or dean or an influential faculty or staff member, and ask for some help reinforcing respect for diversity. People are followers, and when an alpha community member sets the example, or even has a word with someone, it makes a big difference.
posted by theora55 at 8:31 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd advise sending a reminder email to those that keep slipping up but focus on making it sound more like "this is an issue I've noticed that many people in the department are struggling with and I would like to reiterate that my preferred pronouns are he, his, him, sir and that I expect respect from my colleagues in this matter". They won't practice by themselves, you can't control that.
You are fully within your rights to correct them every single time they get it wrong with a firm statement of your preferred pronoun (they call you "she" and you repeat, firmly, "he"). This is annoying as hell and they will likely respond to it because it will aggravate them; this is incentive for them to get it right. Don't back down.
I would also approach the administrator who Googled you and firmly state that you find it rather violating that she made assumptions about you after reading your personal blog and that you would appreciate she keep that information to herself and use your preferred gender pronoun at all times.
Yes it's embarrassing, scary and frustrating but I find being a firm advocate works so much better at getting people's cooperation and getting across that this is a serious matter of respect for you. Don't engage in debate or discussion, just state your needs firmly and end the conversation.
posted by buteo at 9:24 PM on March 26, 2012
You are fully within your rights to correct them every single time they get it wrong with a firm statement of your preferred pronoun (they call you "she" and you repeat, firmly, "he"). This is annoying as hell and they will likely respond to it because it will aggravate them; this is incentive for them to get it right. Don't back down.
I would also approach the administrator who Googled you and firmly state that you find it rather violating that she made assumptions about you after reading your personal blog and that you would appreciate she keep that information to herself and use your preferred gender pronoun at all times.
Yes it's embarrassing, scary and frustrating but I find being a firm advocate works so much better at getting people's cooperation and getting across that this is a serious matter of respect for you. Don't engage in debate or discussion, just state your needs firmly and end the conversation.
posted by buteo at 9:24 PM on March 26, 2012
Perhaps broaching it as firstly an issue of the department having and presenting a coherent front, instead of appearing disorganized and confusing to people who have to navigate it. And secondly, you do very much appreciate it when your colleagues help maintain that.
Can you get a nice quiet "this is our department policy" without it being a "this is department policy rammed down everyone's throats because we're afraid of lawsuits from this troublemaker over here"?
posted by -harlequin- at 9:52 PM on March 26, 2012
Can you get a nice quiet "this is our department policy" without it being a "this is department policy rammed down everyone's throats because we're afraid of lawsuits from this troublemaker over here"?
posted by -harlequin- at 9:52 PM on March 26, 2012
"Please practice at home" seems inappropriately pushy to me. But I think you'd get good responses with an email saying something like
I think there has been some confusion in the last few years over what pronouns to use when you guys are referring to me. I know it's probably an unfamiliar situation for some of you, so just to make it really clear, the proper way to refer to me in conversation is he/him/sir/etc. Female pronouns are not only confusing to new people in the conversation, they are also offensive to me. I realize that slips of the tongue happen to even the most well-intentioned people, I just ask that you do your best to refer to me with male pronouns going forward. Thanks.
It's easy to think that everyone is aware of this etiquette issue, but honestly at lot of people aren't. They've never knowingly met a transgendered person, and they don't know what the proper behavior is. If you assume good faith + confusion, you'll avoid making people feel defensive, and probably also feel less defensive yourself.
Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance (or stupidity, as the original quote goes).
posted by vytae at 4:26 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think there has been some confusion in the last few years over what pronouns to use when you guys are referring to me. I know it's probably an unfamiliar situation for some of you, so just to make it really clear, the proper way to refer to me in conversation is he/him/sir/etc. Female pronouns are not only confusing to new people in the conversation, they are also offensive to me. I realize that slips of the tongue happen to even the most well-intentioned people, I just ask that you do your best to refer to me with male pronouns going forward. Thanks.
It's easy to think that everyone is aware of this etiquette issue, but honestly at lot of people aren't. They've never knowingly met a transgendered person, and they don't know what the proper behavior is. If you assume good faith + confusion, you'll avoid making people feel defensive, and probably also feel less defensive yourself.
Never ascribe to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance (or stupidity, as the original quote goes).
posted by vytae at 4:26 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]
How acquainted are these people with the etiquette you expect? If you're the only transgender person they know, they are possibly uncertain about what you expect.
At a restaurant I worked at, we had one customer who was obviously born male but dressed, acted female. This was my first personal experience with this and I was really uncertain of the etiquette here. I think I was more comfortable with her than most of my coworkers, and used the pronoun "she" instinctively (she would also often be the only customer on Sunday afternoons so I'd chat with her, and she said I was the friendliest of many servers she had there, but I think talking to her reaffirmed my use of "she"). Other servers definitely were confused about what pronoun to used and we discussed it. I think in her case it was confusing because she was so obviously born male (and she would have been a rather tall, manly looking man) so it was harder to distinguish in our minds. If you haven't had an etiquette talk with your colleagues, I would wager that they aren't really sure about what pronoun to use and it probably makes them uncomfortable. Clarifying what you want them to use and why will probably help the majority of the errors. For the administrator (and is it really that weird to cyber-stalk those you'll be meeting?) sounds like me - unaquainted with anyone who is transgender and unsure. That, to me, is why she brought it up. I doubt she meant to be rude or make you uncomfortable. Having a quiet conversation with her about this is a big help to someone who doesn't know how to refer to you. It may need to be a specific conversation about it rather than just correcting them in the situation; because they're focused on something else, they aren't paying enough attention to it. Having a dedicated conversation gets their full attention and allows them to think about it so they understand.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:02 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]
At a restaurant I worked at, we had one customer who was obviously born male but dressed, acted female. This was my first personal experience with this and I was really uncertain of the etiquette here. I think I was more comfortable with her than most of my coworkers, and used the pronoun "she" instinctively (she would also often be the only customer on Sunday afternoons so I'd chat with her, and she said I was the friendliest of many servers she had there, but I think talking to her reaffirmed my use of "she"). Other servers definitely were confused about what pronoun to used and we discussed it. I think in her case it was confusing because she was so obviously born male (and she would have been a rather tall, manly looking man) so it was harder to distinguish in our minds. If you haven't had an etiquette talk with your colleagues, I would wager that they aren't really sure about what pronoun to use and it probably makes them uncomfortable. Clarifying what you want them to use and why will probably help the majority of the errors. For the administrator (and is it really that weird to cyber-stalk those you'll be meeting?) sounds like me - unaquainted with anyone who is transgender and unsure. That, to me, is why she brought it up. I doubt she meant to be rude or make you uncomfortable. Having a quiet conversation with her about this is a big help to someone who doesn't know how to refer to you. It may need to be a specific conversation about it rather than just correcting them in the situation; because they're focused on something else, they aren't paying enough attention to it. Having a dedicated conversation gets their full attention and allows them to think about it so they understand.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:02 AM on March 27, 2012 [2 favorites]
Like amanda said, casual slips, I tend to treat a friendly reminder, either at the time if that will not draw more attention to the wrong pronoun or soon after.
I transitioned at work in a small office of about eight people. I found having to educate people very draining. Different people took very different amounts of time to get the pronoun correct all the time. Correcting them was a pain but it was always clear they just slipped up and were generally sorry about it. I don't think giving them homework would have helped make this process quicker.
As for the administrator and other that hadn't met you pre transition. An email explaining your preferred pronouns would be the way I'd go and like others have said including a little about why the wrong pronoun is upsetting. Still keeps things friendly at first but if they still continue to use the wrong pronouns after being given time to adjust, getting a friendly senior staff member / HR to have a friendly chat with them.
posted by Z303 at 7:22 AM on March 27, 2012
I transitioned at work in a small office of about eight people. I found having to educate people very draining. Different people took very different amounts of time to get the pronoun correct all the time. Correcting them was a pain but it was always clear they just slipped up and were generally sorry about it. I don't think giving them homework would have helped make this process quicker.
As for the administrator and other that hadn't met you pre transition. An email explaining your preferred pronouns would be the way I'd go and like others have said including a little about why the wrong pronoun is upsetting. Still keeps things friendly at first but if they still continue to use the wrong pronouns after being given time to adjust, getting a friendly senior staff member / HR to have a friendly chat with them.
posted by Z303 at 7:22 AM on March 27, 2012
Response by poster: Reading through all this advice has been interesting--thanks to all who have posted. There's a wide range of responses from "most people don't know how to deal with gender transition; don't be defensive about it; educate gently" to "you're tolerating bigoted behavior and it's time to threaten legal action."
Let me be clear that (1) I am aware that I am the first trans person many of my colleagues have knowingly dealt with on a professional level, and (2) that is why three years ago I sent out a long and careful email detailing what I was doing and why, in which I explained among other things that it people should refer to me as "he" rather than "she." I have also corrected minspronouning gently when it occurs during conversations for a long time.
I am still looking for advice on how to deal with the fact that some colleagues persist in misgendering me, not maliciously, but without ever noticing they are doing it. I believe threatening a harassment action will alienate them and I'll be cast as an intolerant radical. But just sending a communication (or having an administrative ally send one) that people should call me "he" won't help--it's not that colleagues are unaware that they are supposed to call me he; some are just unaware of how often they fail to do that.
As for the example of the Googling administrator I gave, that's another, more disturbing matter: how do deal with cissexism ("I found out you're trans, thus I think of you as not a real man") in a superior. My personal blog, which the administrator read, expresses the pain I and other trans people feel when being misgendered.
In sum: it's not that people don't know they should call me "he;" they're surrounded by people who do. How can I address those who persist in mispronouning me without escalating to threats of harassment action (which I'd like to hold back on until I've exhausted other alternatives)?
posted by DrMew at 8:01 AM on March 27, 2012
Let me be clear that (1) I am aware that I am the first trans person many of my colleagues have knowingly dealt with on a professional level, and (2) that is why three years ago I sent out a long and careful email detailing what I was doing and why, in which I explained among other things that it people should refer to me as "he" rather than "she." I have also corrected minspronouning gently when it occurs during conversations for a long time.
I am still looking for advice on how to deal with the fact that some colleagues persist in misgendering me, not maliciously, but without ever noticing they are doing it. I believe threatening a harassment action will alienate them and I'll be cast as an intolerant radical. But just sending a communication (or having an administrative ally send one) that people should call me "he" won't help--it's not that colleagues are unaware that they are supposed to call me he; some are just unaware of how often they fail to do that.
As for the example of the Googling administrator I gave, that's another, more disturbing matter: how do deal with cissexism ("I found out you're trans, thus I think of you as not a real man") in a superior. My personal blog, which the administrator read, expresses the pain I and other trans people feel when being misgendered.
In sum: it's not that people don't know they should call me "he;" they're surrounded by people who do. How can I address those who persist in mispronouning me without escalating to threats of harassment action (which I'd like to hold back on until I've exhausted other alternatives)?
posted by DrMew at 8:01 AM on March 27, 2012
One thing I did playfully threaten the last few people at work with was starting a swear box, 10p for everytime they got the pronouns wrong but they starting getting them right soon after, so I never put that into practice
posted by Z303 at 8:15 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Z303 at 8:15 AM on March 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're down to a few people. Are these people you feel comfortable having a personal conversation with? I'd just point out the behavior, and that you don't think they realize they're even doing it but it really bothers you, and ask if they would try to be more aware of it in the future. I think most people would be embarrassed to realize they were accidentally doing something that bothered you, and be pretty attentive to the behavior after that.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:24 AM on March 27, 2012
posted by DoubleLune at 8:24 AM on March 27, 2012
I know a woman (MTF) who transitioned in a generally supportive company.
It went smoothly, but even after a couple years there were some people that, intentionally or unintentionally, never seemed able to "make the switch" mentally. She tried private conversations and corrections. After a while, she gave up and changed companies.
The googling administrator seems particularly obnoxious. Obviously, one cannot control what someone thinks and does in their private life, but a company can set policy that in the workplace people refer to others with their preferred pronouns. If it continues and bothers you start documenting the pattern and contact HR.
posted by sarah_pdx at 12:12 PM on March 27, 2012
It went smoothly, but even after a couple years there were some people that, intentionally or unintentionally, never seemed able to "make the switch" mentally. She tried private conversations and corrections. After a while, she gave up and changed companies.
The googling administrator seems particularly obnoxious. Obviously, one cannot control what someone thinks and does in their private life, but a company can set policy that in the workplace people refer to others with their preferred pronouns. If it continues and bothers you start documenting the pattern and contact HR.
posted by sarah_pdx at 12:12 PM on March 27, 2012
I think suggesting to people that they practice at home is simply not going to get the results you would like from your academic colleagues and the administrators and staff members you interact with.
I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be to constantly be correcting people, so I have strong sympathy with your wish for a more overarching solution, but as a former university teacher and administrator and librarian, I have to say with all respect that the email you envision wouldn't be effective.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:50 PM on March 27, 2012
I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be to constantly be correcting people, so I have strong sympathy with your wish for a more overarching solution, but as a former university teacher and administrator and librarian, I have to say with all respect that the email you envision wouldn't be effective.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:50 PM on March 27, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think so.
I know a young man who transitioned but I knew him for awhile before he did and oh my god, I feel SO BAD even in conversation with other people when I use the wrong pronoun. And I do. Constantly. I'm working on it. It takes time, so I'm glad you're not angry at the people because it's certainly not intentional on my end.
I don't know how to handle the situation in paragraph 2, sorry. I'd look to other transgender people for advice there.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:21 PM on March 26, 2012