disappointment trap
March 26, 2012 7:22 AM   Subscribe

Stuck in an emotional trap- how do I deal with this friendship?

One of my best friends has never met my expectations in terms of keeping in contact. A lot of the time (like probably half the time) my texts and calls go unaswered and unreplied to ( I contact him initiatively maybe once every 2 weeks).

When we do talk on the phone, the conversation usually lasts at least an hour (we live far from each other and can't meet in person normally).

I used to be mainly the one calling, but I backed off, and now it's to the point where he calls too. However, several months ago his girlfriend broke up with him and he is still really depressed over this. So recently I have been his shoulder to cry on, though he was mainly the one doing this for me in the past (when I could get ahold of him, that is). He doesn't moan on the phone the whole time- we usually talk about other things as well.

THe problem is that we he doesn't answer his phone or return messages (this happened before the break up, too), I get really angry. It bothers me for a long time, I get angry at him, and I dig myself into a well.

I don't know how to stop the pattern (cycle), which goes like this: he calls me---->I answer------>I call him------>he doesn't answer------->I get mad and stop contacting him for a few weeks--------> he calls me-------->i answer (etc)

By the way, he doesn't returned the unanswered calls later and does not give any explanation why they went unanswered. Sometimes he answers the phone, but like I said, only about half the time.

I realize I am probably blowing this out of proportion but I really can't think of what else to do. I've thought of just not answering his calls, but honestly, by the time he calls I usually forget that I was mad last time and resolute not to answer! Then I kick myself for answering his call, because I wanted to talk to him.

I know he has a right to not answer his phone all the time and my main problem is my own reaction.

We are very close friends and it's a unique friendship (whenever we talk we laugh and cry, etc). but i am willing to consider any ideas about this including taking a break from the friendship, because this issue bothers me so much.

I've tried talking to him about it, and it seems to have helped just a little bit.I like talking to him but it seems like there is so much disappointment surrounding things. I'm like this with other friends to a lesser degree- basically I get disappointed easily.

Anyone have any ideas on how I can change this pattern, what I can do specifically, or how I can change my thoughts?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
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posted by tel3path at 7:26 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


I have a friend who is very much like this. When we hangout and talk everything is great and he could be considered one of my best friends, but I find I'll text him/email him and nothing for weeks, then out of no where he'll text me.

We have a very deep friendship and we both go over very personal information, but lately I get the impression that I've really just become the shoulder to cry on as oppose to general friend.

So, what I do is I'll text him or email him, and then leave it be. BUT - since he is a friend, I do bring it up with him. Usually it's a "I was busy" or "I didn't have anything to say" (which is a lot like his personality) but then he does apologize.

Like I did, I would just bring it up. He's a friend, so it really shouldn't be a big deal. This is probably just a lack of communication - I would assume he isn't doing it on purpose to be mean.

Good luck.
posted by Danithegirl at 7:31 AM on March 26, 2012


This sounds to me like two things:

1) he's depressed from the break up. You, as a friend, need to understand what that means. It means that sometimes he may just not have the focus or emotional strength to return your call. This is not a character flaw, it is DEPRESSION. Have some empathy and cut him some slack.

2) your own impatience with your own expectations, which are unrealistic, is getting away from you. This is your friend, your job is not to change him, your job is to cherish the good stuff and manage your frustration with the bad stuff. This type of behavior will only get more challenging as you get older and wives/husbands, children, career, the mortgage, whatever get in the way. It's not like this dude NEVER calls you back and never calls you of his own accord. He just doesn't do it on your timeline. That is mostly YOUR issue and you need to learn that the friendship is not dying because he's just being himself.

As for how to change your thoughts - I think you just need to do some anger mgmt type stuff - take a breath, count to 10, and then find something to immediately absorb your attention and let the emotion pass. Then go about your life until he gets around to returning your call, re-assuring yourself that he always WILL return your call eventually.
posted by spicynuts at 7:32 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


I love my friends and my family, very much. I also avoid their phone calls pretty much always.....especially when I know it's the kind of call that could last an hour. I'm am not a phone talker. I hate it. Once in a while, or when I'm going through something and I need support and can't see someone face to face, then yes, sure. But for the most part I find it to be kind of torturous.

So, first, I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think this is an indication of how your friend feels about you, your importance to him, or your relationship. Second, I'd try another form of communication to make you feel more in touch between seeing each other or the occasional phone call. I find e-mailing and texting to be a much more attractive option. Maybe he would too?
posted by gcolmes@gmail.com at 7:35 AM on March 26, 2012 [17 favorites]


Have you told him how this makes you feel? I mean, it may not be rational, but he might not know how his actions (or inaction) makes you feel.
posted by inturnaround at 7:36 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Seconding Danithegirl; talk to him ABOUT this issue. I had the same problem with a couple of friends flaking on me, and talked to them about it. In one case, they apologized and made an effort to do better.

But in the other case, they apologized, but then we had a lengthy conversation about Each Of Our Expectations And Mindsets When It Came To Communicating, and we realized that we just really had very, very different approaches. This other friend made a little bit of an effort to get better at contact, but I also had a much, much better understanding of where HE was coming from, so his not contacting me as often didn't bother me anywhere near as much any more.

So yeah, talk to him, from a place of "you've been doing [this], and maybe you didn't know it, but this is how it makes me feel." Either that will get him to change, or it will start a conversation where you both see each others' mindsets much more clearly, but either way it will help.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:38 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Is there any romantic element to your friendship, on either side? It sounds a little bit that way, with the two of you taking turns being unavailable and pursuing. Then again, you say this happens in your other friendships. (And if you hadn't said that, I might also suggest that he could be the type of person who likes to let other people pursue him a bit, for whatever reason.)

I think, if it is just a friendship, you should try to enjoy the good parts and not give yourself too hard a time and if you can't, yeah maybe take a break. Honestly, if it's to the point where you are kicking yourself every time he calls and you pick up, it doesn't sound like it's a positive thing for you.
posted by BibiRose at 7:40 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


You can't change someone else. He's not someone who returns texts/phone calls, and lets a lot of time lapse between interactions. Either you're going to have to learn to cope with it (by keeping your messages to one until he returns your communication), or you're going to have to change your friendship to some other format (e-mails, saying hi through Facebook, a pre-arranged meeting once every six months, whatever), or you'll have to drop him.

You can let him know how you feel, but if this is a pattern he has with you and others, it's probably pretty ingrained, and it's not your place to make him change that. If enough people stop dealing with him due to this behavior, he may change it on his own.
posted by xingcat at 7:45 AM on March 26, 2012 [6 favorites]


I have some experience of drifting from the contact of friends. I could attempt to go into the psychology of it but I suspect I won't be able to explain it very well and my reasons may not even be your friends'. But the outcome sounds very similar: I find it hard to keep in touch with people. Discussing it probably wouldn't help. My situation is what it is and I'm unlikely to change overnight, even if I wanted to.

The more contact I have with someone, the better I seem to be at staying in touch. So, as an example, I have a standing arrangement with a friend to meet up every month on roughly the same day. Things move of course, but the arrangement serves its purpose as a useful prompt. You could perhaps try something similar, even if the meet-up is just a phone call.

I'm better with email than phone calls, and -- for obvious reasons -- I'm better at work than anywhere else, so try approaching them that way if you don't already.

Regardless of whether these techniques have any effect, I'd also encourage you to try and comes to terms with the nature of your friendship as it is now. The dynamics of human relationships are rarely balanced. If you can accept that your friend is a fun person to know and enjoy their company when it's available, you both might be happier. Of course, it's also true that you might be happier moving on. I wish you happiness whatever the outcome.
posted by londonmark at 7:48 AM on March 26, 2012


Oh, boy, I am your friend. One of my very closest friends, whom I have known and loved since I was 13, requires much more contact than I do. We haven't lived in the same town since junior high. I will tell you right now that this is my issue, and could very well be his:

When we do talk on the phone, the conversation usually lasts at least an hour (we live far from each other and can't meet in person normally).

I hate this. It is true in my friendship as well, and I absolutely HATE it. I hate talking on the phone, I especially hate spending an hour of my very limited outside-of-work leisure time talking on the phone, even to someone I love. I've had to have many talks with my friend over the years, explaining, "I am not a phone person and I just can't talk to you as much you want to," and finally, after twenty years, I think she does get it. It doesn't mean I don't love her and care about her life; it just means I absolutely dread sitting around on the telephone for hours at a time.

I would suggest trying other ways of staying in touch - email, for example. I'm a good emailer. I don't know if your friend is, but the best way of finding out if this is the issue is to ask him. "Hey, would email be a better way of keeping in touch than the phone?" Just ask. And please don't hold a grudge about this or take it personally. Not wanting to spend hours on the phone doesn't mean somebody doesn't like you.
posted by something something at 7:49 AM on March 26, 2012 [13 favorites]


If you aren't getting what you need from this relationship, I would suggest 1) talking with him about your feelings and communication styles and if that is ineffective, 2) back off and do some thinking on your own...coming to terms with the idea that this friendships is not going to operate the way you would choose.

My best friend is like your friend in some ways. I know that she loves and cares about me very much, but she is a horrible communicator. I went through a period of time where I took it personally and felt very sad and angry about it when I did not hear from her. Looking back, I just know that as we both matured and our lives evolved, our communication patterns had to evolve as well. It just wasn't at the same time and at the same pace, which made that shift more difficult for me to deal with (I don't think she was even aware of it at the time).

What I learned from this as well, is that when I do hear from her, I'll talk with her/meet up with her if it is convenient for me. I do not drop everything and change my plans because the opportunity to talk/hang out has presented itself. So, maybe take a little control of your needs and wants in this situation?
posted by retrofitted at 8:00 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Try talking directly to your friend about this. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that you'd like to maintain the friendship, but that the phone doesn't seem to be like the best method of contact. Ask him if it's okay to use email as the preferred method of contact.

If he says yes then send an email to him consistently but not frequently. If your friend doesn't reply then don't take it personally. The reality is that he's probably too busy or exhausted. Chances are that he appreciates these emails even if he doesn't reply to them quickly.
posted by livinglearning at 8:02 AM on March 26, 2012


You are offended. Try not to be. Your friend is not trying to intentionally hurt you. I think when we feel like we are victimized in a relationship (He is not returning my calls. He is not acknowledging me. He is not there for me when I need him, etc.) we get angry and we feel foolish for tolerating the supposed bad behavior. Because we feel we have been treated poorly, and dwell on it, we look for ways to punish. Your plan to punish is to not answer his next call.

But you forget because you value him and thank goodness for that. What is the point in ignoring him and punishing him if you like talking with him and you value the friendship? Instead of thinking, "he should return my calls", instead you might think, "I wish he would have returned my call." But he didn't and oh well. Acceptance, not blaming. No pity-parties. You'll be a lot happier.

I like talking to him but it seems like there is so much disappointment surrounding things.

This statement sticks out so much. We all have unenforceable rules on how we would like to be treated. When someone breaks our rule we can become angry. Again, your friend is not trying to intentionally hurt you. When you manage your expectations and accept things as they are you will be much happier. Don't allow your happiness to hinge on a phone call. When you nurse your hurt feelings and work yourself up it can be very damaging to the mind and negatively affect relationships.
posted by Fairchild at 8:11 AM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


I too am your friend. Not only do I have a problem staying in touch by phone/Skype/IM when I know the conversation will last an hour, but I find myself procrastinating on email as well because the expectation is that I will go into some depth on my life, and comment on my friend's life as well.

All along I feel guilty and a lousy friend but I also feel relief once I've had the long phone call, knowing I'm not going to have that obligation for a little while.

My preference is Facebook, to be perfectky honest.
posted by Dragonness at 8:12 AM on March 26, 2012


Some people are like this with communication methods that are not in real time. They procrastinate writing emails, forget their replies or have anxiety about picking up the phone. It's probably not about you. Unless I had further proof, I wouldn't use his communication habits as an indicator of his feelings about your friendship.
posted by Orchestra at 8:19 AM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


You need to lower your expectations for this guy. He's not going to become a more frequent contact-er, and you know it. You just kind of have to take him for who he is and enjoy him in the moment, but not count on him to be there for you except when he wants to be.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:40 AM on March 26, 2012


You sound like you're good friends. Really. It takes a lot to be able to have long conversations and enjoy each other's company over the course of many years, and to put in the effort to stay in touch when you're not in the same town. Every friendship has its strengths and weaknesses, though, and it sounds like this is one of your practical incompatible habits. It's up to you to decide whether that's a breaking point or not.

My brother is like this. It's the way he is. At one point I tried to sit him down and tell him that if he never called me back, we'd never talk. Though it helped in the short term, it didn't really sink in. But he's my brother, he's not going away, so now, years later, it's more resolved. When I think of him, I call. If he answers the phone, we talk. If he doesn't, I'll just try later, usually don't even leave a message. If I need to tell him something or ask him something with a time limit (like planning a visit) I do a flurry of things (send email, leave messages, call his wife, etc) but if the purpose of the call was to talk, tell him about a museum exhibit I saw that I know he'd like, etc, then I just file it away that I want to tell him about that, and then the next evening I've got 45 minutes free, I call again. Sometimes he answers. If he doesn't answer, I've still got 42 minutes free, and I call someone else. Sometimes he calls me ("spontaneously", or as prompted by caller ID, who's to say). When he does pick up the phone he's delighted to hear from me - I don't let myself feel shunned just because he's disorganized. The thing is, it doesn't matter whether I call him at my convenience and he calls me back (at his convenience, which may or may not be convenient for me), or whether I just call him at my every convenience and we only talk when he's free... all that matters is that when we're on the phone we really talk.
posted by aimedwander at 9:07 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah I'm like your friend too. Some folks don't really like the phone. I have in the past had to reassure people that when i don't call it has to do with my relationship with the PHONE not my relationship with them.
posted by dipolemoment at 9:18 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


I could be your friend too. I don't like being on the phone for more than a half hour at a stretch. I have friends who can talk for hours, and not much time on weeknights to devote to sitting on the phone for hours, so I do avoid answering their calls until the time is right.

I wonder what would happen if you started ending your calls after 20 minutes instead of going on longer than an hour. That way when he sees you calling, he knows it'll be a quick burst of happy conversation instead of over an hour of listening. Because if he's not a phone call guy, he's probably doing more listening than talking anyway, so as not to make the phone call two hours long.
posted by ladygypsy at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2012


Do you leave voicemails for him or ask him specifically to contact you back?

If I see a missed call, I don't automatically return it - I will if there is a voicemail, though. The reason is that sometimes people mis-dial and then hang up after one ring or after they hear your voicemail greeting and realized they called the wrong person.

I think that you should start including a specific request for a call-back in your messages. E.g. leave a voicemail including the phrase, "Will you please call me back?" Then, if he ignores your request for weeks and then calls you to chat, you can ask him whether he got that voicemail or text. I think you shouldn't bring up the past, though, just stick to one incident at a time.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:45 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I am another of the "hate to talk on the phone" people, so if I get a message that's all "Just calling to say 'hi' and see how you're doing" it may be several days before I get back to the caller.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:51 AM on March 26, 2012


I too am your friend. In fact I had a long and bitter breakup with "you", partly because of this.

I don't know if your friend is in the same place as me, but here's why I am a bad communicator in the same way. Talking on the phone, especially for more than half an hour or so, is emotionally draining to me. If I only have three or four hours of an evening after getting home, and if I'm already tired or have had a crappy day, it makes me more tired and drained to talk. I delay answering calls, if I know they're going to take a while, until I'm in a position to talk. And if it takes a week to answer, it takes a week.

I do agree with the people who say, let him know it disturbs you. But if he tries for a bit and then lapses, you might have to just recognise that he operates and communicates differently. One of the many reasons I broke up with my friend was that when I did call back our conversations tended to go through ten minutes of "You never call me back and it makes me feel unappreciated!" "I'm sorry, I've been busy, I will try to do better." Knowing that was coming made me avoid calling even more.

If he is actually depressed (over the breakup, or over something else) it will make things even worse, because he is emotionally incapable of prioritising your needs just now. That will make him feel worse about himself, which will make him feel less like talking to you, which will make you more disappointed, which will make him feel worse... and so on.
posted by andraste at 3:51 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


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