Am I overreacting or righfully irritated?
March 23, 2012 10:01 PM Subscribe
What has just happened in my relationship? Am I being unintentionally dramatic and hard on my SO? (long...ugh)
posted by couchtater to Human Relations (42 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
The background: My BF and I have been seeing each other for just over 6 months. We are both in our early 30s and at the point in our lives where we don't want to be in a casual relationship. I have had some real periods of doubt during this time, intermixed with periods where I think it may be able to work.
I love to plan, well, pretty much anything, while he constantly flies by the seat of his pants. We live far enough away from each other in an area with terrible traffic that we have mainly seen each other only on weekends. If anything gets planned for those weekends, it is me who plans it 95% of the time. I expressed to him that this bothers me, and his response was that he "doesn't feel like everything needs to be planned out". My reply was that I had no problem with being spontaneous or using a "Plan B", but that I did not always want to be the one taking the reigns. That being said, we almost always have a nice time when we're together.
I want to talk about everything and he is extremely closed off. He has never told me he loves me, aside from the day he asked me to be his girlfriend (three weeks in) and he misunderstood something I said and answered with, "I love you too. That's scary for me because I've never said that before". This threw me SO badly that I didn't have it in me to say, "Uh, yeah...sorry...I actually didn't say 'I love you'". Other than that extremely awkward moment, he's never said much about how he feels about me or our relationship. In fairness, I haven't really said much either, mainly due to the fact that I have been very unsure about how I feel. Any written communication with me, whether text or email, is extremely abrupt - one word or one sentence at the most. It makes me sad. In addition, he has the worst memory of anyone I have ever met. He admits it's bad. He does Not. Remember. Anything. And it makes me crazy.
What has now happened to possibly throw me over the edge:
Last weekend he was downed with a cold and told me he was going to spend the weekend in quarantine. He also did not think he would be able to attend his grandma's birthday party that was happening on Sunday. Suddenly, the night before, he decided he was going to go and asked if I was going to come. Due to other tentative plans I had made with friends, I told him I was not sure I could go and asked what time it was happening. As usual, he had no clue and said he'd text me in the morning. By the time he got in touch with me (in the form of an abrupt email giving me directions to the place the party was being held), I'd pretty much given up on the idea and would have had to hurry to get ready and drive 60 miles to get there. He, on the other hand, clearly seemed to be assuming I was coming and I still didn't even know what time it was happening. Frankly, I was a little irritated and called him and told him that I thought I better sit this one out. There was some tension about this.
We had plans for me to drive up to his place after work today. This morning I got a text message that said "I can either come down there tonight or I'll need a few hours to clean up". My first thought was, "Ew! Living in filth!" and my second thought was "Why didn't you clean up your filth last night if we had already decided I would be coming over?!", followed by "Holy Cats! Your tiny apartment must be super disgusting if you need a few hours to clean it up. Nasty". I also felt that he had essentially done a 180 on our plans and invited himself over. He called me around the time he'd usually be getting home from work and told me that he was having beer with friends and would maybe be able to leave in an hour or an hour and a half (uh, yeah...so clearly he was in no hurry to go home and clean up). This made me feel like he expects me to just hang around and be available whenever. I ended up texting him about 10 minutes later and telling him I thought it would be better if we just did our own thing tonight. He responded with 'Okay, I'll unpack the car" (which (1) I don't believe was true - he would not have been home yet- and (2) would involve nothing more than taking out his bag of laundry that I'm sure he was going to do at my house (3) I believe was just said to be passive aggressive.
Ok, internets: what's my next move? Am I making too big of a deal about all of this? Is it hopeless? If I do end it, how do I keep from being so scared that I chicken out? I am having trouble thinking clearly about this!