Help me keep from throttling my sister.
March 21, 2012 3:19 PM Subscribe
My sister is Topper from Dilbert. She's an Est-er. (Everything is the Best, Biggest, Mostest, Greatest, etc.) Help keep me from throttling her.
I'm helping take care of my sister who is nearly confined to her home. She doesn't have a lot of contact with people or the outside world beyond the Internet and TV. And me.
Literally (yes, literally! No hyperbole!) any single comment about the smallest thing brings forth a story of greatness and fantasticalness that makes me want to flee. Did you mention kids? Her kids are smarter and more successful. You have weather? Hers is better. Or much much worse. Did you visit a web site? She visited a better one. Did you watch a TV show? She watched the same one, only watched it better than you did. She appreciates your favorite music more than you do. This meal might be great but it isn't as great as this one she once had at... Even her compliments go along the lines of "I like that shirt. It reminds me of the one I made for my husband. But it had a contrasting collar and the stitching was much finer. I bought the fabric at..."
If it was a stranger I'd walk away. If it was a friend I would dump them. But she's family and I have to help care for her. My gut reactions when people try to impress me are a) to ignore them. This doesn't work because she gets the impression that she clearly wasn't getting her idea across about how amazing [whatever] is. b) Be dismissive, actively disinterested. "Yeah, I don't really care about [whatever]. This has the same reaction. I would clearly care if I simply understood how awesome it was. c) Be a bigger know-it-all. "Oh yeah, I'm an expert in [whatever]." This either leads to her changing the subject or trying to prove to me that she is at least as much of an expert as I am. d) Change the subject. Doesn't work, she turns any subject around to be about her. Instantly. It's truly amazing.
I've also tried feigning interest. But I seriously don't care and she speaks with such unreasonable grandeur about stuff that I find myself hating the things she talks about. Including her kids. (Who I fortunately know apart from their mother otherwise I'd think they were pompous asses by her inflated descriptions.)
She's in therapy for depression, and yeah, she does have low self esteem that I try to boost as well as I can. I've even sat her down and talked about it with her, but no change.
So help me deal with it. I try the mantra of "she's disabled, she doesn't get out, and I'm helping her by listening" but still its getting the point where I dread spending time with her and I don't want to resent her.
It's not her disability that's causing this, she's always been this way. I've just been lucky to have previously lived across the country to avoid it's brunt. She was very isolated (no friends, contact with only family) even before her disability.
I'm helping take care of my sister who is nearly confined to her home. She doesn't have a lot of contact with people or the outside world beyond the Internet and TV. And me.
Literally (yes, literally! No hyperbole!) any single comment about the smallest thing brings forth a story of greatness and fantasticalness that makes me want to flee. Did you mention kids? Her kids are smarter and more successful. You have weather? Hers is better. Or much much worse. Did you visit a web site? She visited a better one. Did you watch a TV show? She watched the same one, only watched it better than you did. She appreciates your favorite music more than you do. This meal might be great but it isn't as great as this one she once had at... Even her compliments go along the lines of "I like that shirt. It reminds me of the one I made for my husband. But it had a contrasting collar and the stitching was much finer. I bought the fabric at..."
If it was a stranger I'd walk away. If it was a friend I would dump them. But she's family and I have to help care for her. My gut reactions when people try to impress me are a) to ignore them. This doesn't work because she gets the impression that she clearly wasn't getting her idea across about how amazing [whatever] is. b) Be dismissive, actively disinterested. "Yeah, I don't really care about [whatever]. This has the same reaction. I would clearly care if I simply understood how awesome it was. c) Be a bigger know-it-all. "Oh yeah, I'm an expert in [whatever]." This either leads to her changing the subject or trying to prove to me that she is at least as much of an expert as I am. d) Change the subject. Doesn't work, she turns any subject around to be about her. Instantly. It's truly amazing.
I've also tried feigning interest. But I seriously don't care and she speaks with such unreasonable grandeur about stuff that I find myself hating the things she talks about. Including her kids. (Who I fortunately know apart from their mother otherwise I'd think they were pompous asses by her inflated descriptions.)
She's in therapy for depression, and yeah, she does have low self esteem that I try to boost as well as I can. I've even sat her down and talked about it with her, but no change.
So help me deal with it. I try the mantra of "she's disabled, she doesn't get out, and I'm helping her by listening" but still its getting the point where I dread spending time with her and I don't want to resent her.
It's not her disability that's causing this, she's always been this way. I've just been lucky to have previously lived across the country to avoid it's brunt. She was very isolated (no friends, contact with only family) even before her disability.
Best answer: Is Ding Training out of the question? Because it's the first thing I thought of.
posted by ambrosia at 3:33 PM on March 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by ambrosia at 3:33 PM on March 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
As with anything, tactfully (or maybe not so tactfully) letting her know how you feel is the best thing to do.
Or just argue with her. If she says something about hers is so much better, just say, "How can you say that? That doesn't make any sense!"
Maybe you'll hurt her feelings the first time around, but there's always tomorrow to patch things up and continue pushing back.
I wonder if she isn't looking for a deeper emotional connection, and maybe wants you to push back.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:33 PM on March 21, 2012
Or just argue with her. If she says something about hers is so much better, just say, "How can you say that? That doesn't make any sense!"
Maybe you'll hurt her feelings the first time around, but there's always tomorrow to patch things up and continue pushing back.
I wonder if she isn't looking for a deeper emotional connection, and maybe wants you to push back.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:33 PM on March 21, 2012
She watched the same one, only watched it better than you did.
This made me laugh so hard. So on that note: what happens if you just laugh? Or smile and play along? Can you make it a secret game inside your head -- you know, like some version of Office Bingo?
posted by scody at 3:34 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
This made me laugh so hard. So on that note: what happens if you just laugh? Or smile and play along? Can you make it a secret game inside your head -- you know, like some version of Office Bingo?
posted by scody at 3:34 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I have a friend who does this, and from that I've noticed when I do it too. I can tell you that when I do this, it is almost always meant to be helpful or to commiserate. But I know that it isn't always viewed that way by others, so I've tried to knock it off. But when my friend(s) do it, I try to take it in the spirit I've chosen to believe it is meant in. That makes it easier to shake off the obvious braggy ones.
Agreeing with these people tends to shut them down, but it makes them sad, so use with caution.
posted by gjc at 3:38 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with these people tends to shut them down, but it makes them sad, so use with caution.
posted by gjc at 3:38 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Take a shot every time she tries to "better" you.
In all seriousness, this would drive me absolutely completely INSANE and I wouldn't know how to handle it. Props for being so understanding, I don't think I could be. I like the idea of putting on movies and music and stuff, so she has to be quiet to better "appreciate" it. Though obviously that wouldn't work all the time.
posted by Emms at 3:39 PM on March 21, 2012
In all seriousness, this would drive me absolutely completely INSANE and I wouldn't know how to handle it. Props for being so understanding, I don't think I could be. I like the idea of putting on movies and music and stuff, so she has to be quiet to better "appreciate" it. Though obviously that wouldn't work all the time.
posted by Emms at 3:39 PM on March 21, 2012
Best answer: You can do Southern-style "Ding Training" with the phrase "Bless your heart." Eventually, she will want to know why you keep saying that, and you can tell her that you feel so bad for her that she has to compulsively beat everyone at everything, and you know you're obligated to say *something*, but you don't have anything nice to say, so you're saying that.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:55 PM on March 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 3:55 PM on March 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
There was a kid where I grew up who did this. One day my brother and his friend decided to make up a thing, I think a car show. Holy cow was this the best car show ever and damn, they didn't get to go! Did this kid go? Oh he went, and he saw the coolest cars... and then they told him they made it up. And then he went silent. And stopped doing the thing, at least for a little while. So for instance, you could say you were learning about Marmotism*, and relate a few fun facts.
Alternatively, what if you brought in a new person that didn't know her, maybe a blunt sort of person (or someone who could play one), who could just cut her off with "You did not just do that! That's hilarious!" or, "Wow, are YOU a genius at one-upsmanship" but in a complimentary, non-threatening sort of way.
*Substitute your own made up thing here. Or use Marmotism, it sounds like it should be a thing. Doh haha, I looked it up, 554 hits on Google. Anyway, you get the idea.
posted by Glinn at 3:59 PM on March 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Alternatively, what if you brought in a new person that didn't know her, maybe a blunt sort of person (or someone who could play one), who could just cut her off with "You did not just do that! That's hilarious!" or, "Wow, are YOU a genius at one-upsmanship" but in a complimentary, non-threatening sort of way.
*Substitute your own made up thing here. Or use Marmotism, it sounds like it should be a thing. Doh haha, I looked it up, 554 hits on Google. Anyway, you get the idea.
posted by Glinn at 3:59 PM on March 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
You could try my husband's technique for tuning me out - always be listening to something on your iPod using ear buds (It's important that the ear buds be small and unnoticeable.) When you notice that your sister is waiting expectantly for you to respond to something she just said, make a big show about removing one to say "Excuse me?" until your sister wants to garrote you with the cord, and stops speaking to you all together. Extremely rude, but effective.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:24 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:24 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Can you put in some ear plugs when she starts annoying you with this?
posted by AMSBoethius at 4:29 PM on March 21, 2012
posted by AMSBoethius at 4:29 PM on March 21, 2012
I suggest just going silent when that happens. Basically: that line of conversation is over. Clearly you have nothing to contribute that could be better than her experience, so it's best for you to simply listen for the next epiphany. It should soon become apparent to her that conversation can only happen when she engages with you on a give-and-take basis, instead of a one-upsmanship level.
Certainly she does this because she has not a lot of real life experience, and she has low self-esteem, so it makes feel better for a few seconds to give the impression that she is actually having a wonderful life. When both of you know that that's almost certainly not the case. But the little lies are all the fun she gets.
I say this not to be cruel, but because I once knew a person who suffered from the same sorts of perpetual lying and one-upsmanship routine. it was a lonely guy from a lower middle-class family, and like to pretend online that he had maids and some fancy cars and a great life. We would sometimes let him spin all kinds of yarns in as much detail as he would like, making it fairly clear with the questions we were asking that we knew he was making things up. and sometimes we would simply shut him down by ignoring him. Eventually, the stories got fairly infrequent and not very embellished, and he became a fairly well accepted member of the community.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:33 PM on March 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Certainly she does this because she has not a lot of real life experience, and she has low self-esteem, so it makes feel better for a few seconds to give the impression that she is actually having a wonderful life. When both of you know that that's almost certainly not the case. But the little lies are all the fun she gets.
I say this not to be cruel, but because I once knew a person who suffered from the same sorts of perpetual lying and one-upsmanship routine. it was a lonely guy from a lower middle-class family, and like to pretend online that he had maids and some fancy cars and a great life. We would sometimes let him spin all kinds of yarns in as much detail as he would like, making it fairly clear with the questions we were asking that we knew he was making things up. and sometimes we would simply shut him down by ignoring him. Eventually, the stories got fairly infrequent and not very embellished, and he became a fairly well accepted member of the community.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:33 PM on March 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
It's hard living in the shadow of greatness. I have a sister just like yours and I was doubly blessed to have a mother who is, in her own mind, the center of everything. I decided a long time ago, to acknowledge that though my life is seemingly good, it just can't compare to greatness. I know that the comments aren't personal, they just can't be. My husband, gave me the mantra, I'm a duck, I'm a duck, water off my back. I also do a lot of internal dialogue, wow, I did not know that. You have an awesome life. It must be great to be you. Also always have a few wonderful friends who will let you vent away for a few minutes every now and then. One of my sisters "friends" once said to me, that it must be difficult being her sister, because she's so great, I think more people see the truth than let on. Good luck. Quack quack!
posted by jennstra at 4:44 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by jennstra at 4:44 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Can you make a light hearted joke about it? Call it to her attention that she's constantly one upping you. You don't have to be ugly about it, just make it known that you notice. Perhaps that would inspire her to tone it down at least a little?
I dunno, it sounds like the sad grasping for significance of a very isolated and lonely person. I know it's gotta be irritating, but it also seems that you might be able to adjust your attitude to treat it almost like a Tourette's thing that can't be controlled, so you just work around it.
posted by jayder at 5:06 PM on March 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I dunno, it sounds like the sad grasping for significance of a very isolated and lonely person. I know it's gotta be irritating, but it also seems that you might be able to adjust your attitude to treat it almost like a Tourette's thing that can't be controlled, so you just work around it.
posted by jayder at 5:06 PM on March 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
In my experience with people like this, you don't really need to pay full attention to what they're saying. They just want to talk to another human being because they feel better about their circumscribed lives when they hear their own stories - somehow it's more convincing than thinking it to themselves silently. Thus your responses can be pretty perfunctory; an occasional "Really?" or "Wow, is that right?" is all that's required.
In one way it's easy to talk to someone like this because they'll happily do all the talking and you don't have to contribute much. Were you ever one of those teenagers who could tune out the grownups? Dust off that skill and put it to good use here. If she starts in on a topic that really bothers you, redirect her onto something safe, then let her babble away. Toss out a politely empty interjection occasionally so she feels like you're listening, but full participation is not required.
The hard part is disconnecting your irritation from her chatter. There are several good suggestions here for cultivating a more zen-like attitude. For me, I'm not good at tuning out but I can engage my innerjerk skeptic and file the fantasy-brags under "yeah, right, my ass" "hot air" and shrug it off.
posted by Quietgal at 5:39 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
In one way it's easy to talk to someone like this because they'll happily do all the talking and you don't have to contribute much. Were you ever one of those teenagers who could tune out the grownups? Dust off that skill and put it to good use here. If she starts in on a topic that really bothers you, redirect her onto something safe, then let her babble away. Toss out a politely empty interjection occasionally so she feels like you're listening, but full participation is not required.
The hard part is disconnecting your irritation from her chatter. There are several good suggestions here for cultivating a more zen-like attitude. For me, I'm not good at tuning out but I can engage my inner
posted by Quietgal at 5:39 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your sister doesn't get out much. Does she have generally poor social skills? Or is she just kind of narcissistic?
You're the big brother who's been Away. She probably wants to impress you so she'll deserve your attention.
For 1 evening/meal/hour, pay a ton of attention to her. Ask her about herself. You saw that episode of Glee? What did you think? Do you think Sue is really evil? etc. Really listen. In general, try to give her the message that you love her, that she's important to you, etc. She may really need that.
If her social skills are lacking, try to gently, once in a while, offer some coaching. Terry, can I give you some brotherly coaching? It's nice to give other people the chance to shine; everybody likes the chance to be special.
In general, read up on behavior modification: extinguish unwanted behavior by ignoring it, even walking away from it. Encourage wanted behavior by providing a reward, in her case (in most people's case), the reward is attention. This article is pretty good.
posted by theora55 at 7:09 PM on March 21, 2012
You're the big brother who's been Away. She probably wants to impress you so she'll deserve your attention.
For 1 evening/meal/hour, pay a ton of attention to her. Ask her about herself. You saw that episode of Glee? What did you think? Do you think Sue is really evil? etc. Really listen. In general, try to give her the message that you love her, that she's important to you, etc. She may really need that.
If her social skills are lacking, try to gently, once in a while, offer some coaching. Terry, can I give you some brotherly coaching? It's nice to give other people the chance to shine; everybody likes the chance to be special.
In general, read up on behavior modification: extinguish unwanted behavior by ignoring it, even walking away from it. Encourage wanted behavior by providing a reward, in her case (in most people's case), the reward is attention. This article is pretty good.
posted by theora55 at 7:09 PM on March 21, 2012
Omg, your sister is Penelope. I wonder if that could be some sort of conversation starter...?
posted by naoko at 7:31 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by naoko at 7:31 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I would be tempted, when she one-ups you, to one-up her in such an over-the-top way that it draws attention to her one-upsmanship.
You: "Hey. I just got a new car today. I'm really excited about it because it has a GPS and -"
Her: "Oh man. That reminds me of this car I had that had a really amazing GPS and the best quality leather seats and an incredible paint job."
You [completely straight]: "Well, my car also flies. And is solid gold."
I have no idea if this will actually stop her from this behavior, but it might keep you amused and keep it from bugging you quite so much.
I support the idea of Ding Therapy, too.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:37 PM on March 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
You: "Hey. I just got a new car today. I'm really excited about it because it has a GPS and -"
Her: "Oh man. That reminds me of this car I had that had a really amazing GPS and the best quality leather seats and an incredible paint job."
You [completely straight]: "Well, my car also flies. And is solid gold."
I have no idea if this will actually stop her from this behavior, but it might keep you amused and keep it from bugging you quite so much.
I support the idea of Ding Therapy, too.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:37 PM on March 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I've tried letting my upset show visibly, and saying, with distress, "I was trying to tell you about this awesome thing I did and how much fun I had and how excited about it I was, and you just always have to make me feel bad about my thing by telling me how much better yours was, as if I and my life and achievements are worthless." Repeat as necessary.
People who are doing it out of low self esteem and want to be liked and admired usually don't actually MEAN to make you feel bad; they don't realize that their one-upping can be seen as a way of putting down others and making them feel bad. Sometimes this gets through, and they usually stop, or at least hold back a bit, for a few days. It works okay, and can make being around them more tolerable. But the full-on topping will come back.
Because really, the ingrained habits of a lifetime are hard to stop.
I have one good friend who's a topper, and she does it to sympathize with your predicament, by expressing that she's experienced it too, etc., (It's still annoying) and I just straight-up tell her, "I don't want sympathy today, I want to complain and I want it to be about me." As long as she knows that's what we're doing, she listens and makes supportive noises without the one-upping.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:28 AM on March 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
People who are doing it out of low self esteem and want to be liked and admired usually don't actually MEAN to make you feel bad; they don't realize that their one-upping can be seen as a way of putting down others and making them feel bad. Sometimes this gets through, and they usually stop, or at least hold back a bit, for a few days. It works okay, and can make being around them more tolerable. But the full-on topping will come back.
Because really, the ingrained habits of a lifetime are hard to stop.
I have one good friend who's a topper, and she does it to sympathize with your predicament, by expressing that she's experienced it too, etc., (It's still annoying) and I just straight-up tell her, "I don't want sympathy today, I want to complain and I want it to be about me." As long as she knows that's what we're doing, she listens and makes supportive noises without the one-upping.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:28 AM on March 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: A lot of great advice! (And how have I been on MeFi for this long and missed Ding Training?)
On reading the suggestions I remembered that I had already successfully trained her to quit interrupting people by calmly pointing out that she was doing it. I think my goal is to figure out a way to do the same that won't devastate her. (She's pretty emotionally fragile, if that wasn't obvious.)
posted by Ookseer at 12:24 PM on March 22, 2012
On reading the suggestions I remembered that I had already successfully trained her to quit interrupting people by calmly pointing out that she was doing it. I think my goal is to figure out a way to do the same that won't devastate her. (She's pretty emotionally fragile, if that wasn't obvious.)
posted by Ookseer at 12:24 PM on March 22, 2012
What's getting to you ? The inane one-upping, or having all his NEED coming at you and taking up all the air and making you want to hide in a cave until the world dies?
If the one-upping, then quack quack is the way to go. If it's the endless waves of neediness, well quack is an option. Or, you could go with being human and engaged and letting her know, gently, that she's hurting your feelings or making you feel unheard or asking what she meant by one-upping your thing.
One caveat- some people, such as my mother, have a finely tuned Quack sensor and will come at you both barrels if the suspect quackery.
When will the kids be old enough to help?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
If the one-upping, then quack quack is the way to go. If it's the endless waves of neediness, well quack is an option. Or, you could go with being human and engaged and letting her know, gently, that she's hurting your feelings or making you feel unheard or asking what she meant by one-upping your thing.
One caveat- some people, such as my mother, have a finely tuned Quack sensor and will come at you both barrels if the suspect quackery.
When will the kids be old enough to help?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Another random thought: what are her hobbies or interests? I might be easier to redirect the conversation to a topic that she feels more naturally inclined to prattle on about. Hopefully things will get better over time given her therapy. Good luck--this would drive me nuts.
posted by smirkette at 3:29 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]