How to boost adult confidence?
March 19, 2012 5:51 PM   Subscribe

What are ways for men and women to increase confidence?

I and several friends suffer from lack of confidence. We are men and women with ages ranging from 25 to 36. We just do not feel like we would be able to do anything positive to our weight, relationships with significant others, attractiveness, and job skills.

Are there activities we can participate in together or separately to boost confidence?
posted by ayc200 to Human Relations (23 answers total) 39 users marked this as a favorite
 
The way to do it is to learn a skill or complete a task, preferably a challenging one. for example, you could train for a really long hike or do some sort of volunteer work (one that has a beginning and end so you can look back and say, "look what we did."). Stuff that is outside of your comfort zone is key so that you can feel like you really accomplished something.
posted by dawkins_7 at 5:58 PM on March 19, 2012 [10 favorites]


dawkins_7 said exactly what I was going to say. Learn something. Work toward something. Even something trivial (because most things in life are, aren't they?).

The other solution is volunteering. Gets you out and moving around, looks good on a resume, makes people think you are caring and compassionate. Oh yeah, and you actually end up helping people too ;)
posted by hermitosis at 6:13 PM on March 19, 2012


Dance, or a sport. Some kind of physical hobby. It's really amazing what being in touch with my meat-self has done for my self esteem. I haven't changed size much, but my confidence in my abilities is far greater and I am much more comfortable in my own skin. This translates into greater ease in social situations in general.
posted by griselda at 6:19 PM on March 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


Succeed. It doesn't matter at what. You have to succeed at something before you can succeed at more things. So pick something (maybe something you are already good at) and work harder at it. It could be your job, a sport, chess, a hobby, it doesn't really matter. A successful and happy life is made up of a bunch of little victories, most of them fairly insignificant.

I've found appliance and auto repair have an proportional effect on my self-confidence. I have no idea why, but a single $50 part change on my car or the washing machine will help me feel good for a week.
posted by COD at 6:42 PM on March 19, 2012 [9 favorites]


This might sound stupid, but it falls squarely into the "learn a skill" bucket: be a birder. You start out knowing pretty much nothing, and then you get binos and a couple books and/or apps, and you go on walks with more knowledgable people, and you study and learn and (most importantly, I think), you are often wrong in front of other people! And nobody dies, and the world does not end, and some other birder who knows more than you explains why you're wrong, and you learn more.

And within a year or less (depending on your aptitude and amount of time devoted), you will find yourself explaining to some n00b why their ID is wrong, and they learn more.
posted by rtha at 6:45 PM on March 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


You could all stop listening to your mothers, that sometimes helps.

Close friendships can be confidence builders. Are any of you interested in trivia? Could you sponsor a trivia night at a local pub or find one in progress to compete in as a group?
Are any of you willing to get in shape? You could join a running club together and start by walking the course, last to finish buys the first round.

Anything that gets you out of your comfort zone can be a confidence booster. Camping, hiking, jumping out of an airplane, learning how to knit, starting a book club, any of these things could help. Just don't tell your mom what you are doing.
posted by myselfasme at 6:56 PM on March 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I agree with Griselda about a physical hobby. When I'm playing a sport or getting exercise I have more energy and more confidence -- regardless of whether my appearance is affected (it isn't).
posted by J. Wilson at 7:44 PM on March 19, 2012


Start listening to more Hip-Hop. I am 100% serious. The men should start with Wu-Tang and Biggie, and the women should start with Missy Elliot and Empress Stahrr's "still dope," which is a guest track on MF DOOM's "Born Like This" album.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:07 PM on March 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


People might boo this answer but therapy helped me with this. Also it was (is) plenty challenging for me and also was out of my comfort zone at first. It was hard for me to get in there and really talk about myself, and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it. This is in addition to a lot of other things that helped me with confidence as well, of course, including things others have said above.
posted by zutalors! at 9:05 PM on March 19, 2012


Keep the commitments you make to yourself and others - builds tons of self-respect and therefore confidence.
posted by Minos888 at 9:56 PM on March 19, 2012 [6 favorites]


Like everyone else said: succeed. Actually, either success or failure can build confidence, as long as the consequences of failure aren't too big. I can think of some things that seemed scary at first but ultimately made me more confident:

I replaced a fuel injector on my car. I was so afraid I was going to break it and I had no real instruction except a $20 manual and a five minute lesson from a friend. I replaced it with no trouble and the car worked fine.

Sometime later I decided my supercharger was making a weird noise and generally not working the way it was supposed to. I tore the thing apart, realized I didnt know how to fix it, threw the parts in a box and shipped it to the only place in the country that serviced that particular brand of supercharger. It cost the same as it would have had I shipped it to them in one piece, so no harm done.

I'll attempt absolutely any auto repair now (and most of them aren't that hard aside from the backaches and gouged knuckles).

Similarly, I moved to a new city to take a job at a startup company. Scary as hell, until I did it. And then I did crazy things with those people, like figure out how to get a passport in 24 hours so we could "offshore ourselves" to the yucatan. I'd never left the country before and here I was going somewhere that I don't speak the language flying with co-workers I've only known for a month. The trip went great. I felt a lot more confident about a lot of things, including getting around in unfamiliar locations and talking to people I may not be able to communicate well with. Later we went to India, too, and that only helped more.

Plenty of other stuff is the same way. I've gotten on the bus to Puerto Viejo, knowing that there are two different cities halfway across the country with that name, and there are buses to both. Worst case I guess I has to take a return trip and get on the other bus (I picked the right bus).

I'll jump off rocks into 50 degree water and 10 foot surf, or ride my bike down a hill that looks more like boulders than a trail, or tear out my back garden and plant a peach tree and hope it will grow or hell, I borrowed half a million dollars to buy a house.

The worst thing that ever happened to me from any of this sort of stuff? I broke my leg. It healed in a couple of months. So yeah, I pretty much think I can do anything I try now, and even if I fail, I'll recover.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 9:58 PM on March 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I found going to the gym and working on my run, push-ups, and sit-ups really helped me feel more confident in myself. Lifting weights, slowly increasing my run time (and run "level" or speed and incline on the treadmill), and making sure to take some time maybe once a week to admire the fitness of my body I'm working hard to maintain.

Also lots and lots of sex with a really good partner.
posted by DisreputableDog at 10:15 PM on March 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Btw, "really good partner" meaning someone who's understanding, can help you laugh at something ridiculous that happens during sex (I mean, frankly, sex is ridiculous and this laughter helps put you at ease as well), and is willing to experiment with you if you are. Previous sexual experience, either in quantity or quality, is not a prerequisite.
posted by DisreputableDog at 10:25 PM on March 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I asked a very similar question and got some pretty good (and varied) answers!
posted by emilyw at 1:56 AM on March 20, 2012


I found that when I started taking karate a lot of my friends told me that I sounded a lot more confident. Doing something physical would improve your physical and mental health, but doing something with purpose (training for a marathon, for example) would give you a definite goal to work toward.
posted by princeoftheair at 2:55 AM on March 20, 2012


a variation of what's already been said above:

be decisive, be creative -- choose an area in your life where YOU are in total and complete control - (a hobby, craft, undertaking) and start making decisions/ acting on them in a creative way - and continue to do so. This will give you confidence that will bleed into other areas of your life.
posted by mrmarley at 3:38 AM on March 20, 2012 [2 favorites]


Don't forget to celebrate your successes! When you are feeling down, sometimes it's easy to downplay the positives in your life. Make sure you are celebrating the small.

For an example, look at the people congratulating themselves over at Unfuck your Habitat. They are sharing their success at things with celebratory GIFs
posted by Gor-ella at 6:55 AM on March 20, 2012


Confidence is earned. It's not a determinant of ability, but a side effect of having said ability (for the most part). Until you've got it, it's a total red herring in terms of preventing you from accomplishing your goals. And confidence in one area doesn't necessarily bleed into others.

So the only way you'll get confident in your stated areas is to forget about attaining this immaterial, much-touted property of confidence and instead just work on those areas w/o regard to appreciable results
posted by MangyCarface at 8:07 AM on March 20, 2012 [3 favorites]


Nthing something physical. I used to suck at motivating myself to exercise, so if you're the same, you can run/walk/hike with your friends, get a personal trainer, join karate (as mentioned above), or try roller derby (the BEST thing I've done). It's amazing what your body can do!

My other big confidence builder is travel, especially international travel. You can BE one of those smug friends who comes home with all those pictures and stories about staying on a boat hostel in Stockholm. Or doing yoga on a beach in Mexico. Or the best night you've ever had with the locals at a pub in Dublin. Or that time you walked around the city where you live and found an amazing book shop in an area you'd never been to.

Also small things like knowing you look your best can help-- whether that means a little makeup, platform leather zipper boots, or your favorite band t-shirt. Routinely purge old clothes and only buy new things that fit you well and are good quality.

I love what MangyCarface said. Confidence is earned. You have to do stuff!
posted by stompadour at 8:26 AM on March 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


Imagine for a moment, three small children, Pat, Chris and Sam.

Pat decides to build a garden fort. Pat starts building the fort, but without a good understanding of engineering, the fort falls down. Pat sits down in floods of tears. Pat's parents say "Never mind! Come in and have tea".

Pat learns by association that "having a go" results in a bad experience, and that giving up results in a good experience. Pat's self-confidence remains low. In the future, Pat is less likely to have a go at all.

Chris also wants to build a fort. Chris's fort falls down a couple of times, but Chris perseveres and creates a lopsided but functional fort. Chris's parents come out to see the fort, and yell at Chris for building it right in front of the garage door and where everyone on the street can see this crappy lopsided piece of junk.

Chris learns by association that "having a go" results in a bad experience.

Finally, Sam starts building. The fort falls down, but Sam perseveres and creates something that remains standing. Sam's parents are pleased! They congratulate Sam on building the fort, let Sam play in it all afternoon and then discuss how to solve various minor problems to do with getting the car out of the garage.

Now, nobody will be surprised when Sam grows up resplendent in the self confidence that Chris and Pat both lack.

However, even as adults, Chris and Pat can help themselves grow in self confidence by providing their own version of the positive feedback that Sam had as a child.

Things that they can do are:

- Try things, even when their mental conditioning tells them that they shouldn't try because it might not work.
- Congratulate one another on their successes, even the small ones. High five one another, do a happy dance, say "Well done", heck, put a sticker on the sticker chart if that helps.
- Learn to regard failures as a learning experience and keep trying.

Every time Chris or Pat pushes through, generates a small success, and celebrates, that's one more little building block in their brains towards self-confidence.
posted by emilyw at 8:44 AM on March 20, 2012 [4 favorites]


Make a list of achievements, awards, good deeds; review occasionally. Achieve more stuff, and notice more achievement.

Confidence about body image, weight, looks, attractiveness: Ruthlessly get rid of any item of clothing, including shoes and coats, that doesn't fit well, isn't a great color, is worn out, looks less than terrific. Get a great haircut; this may take numerous tries. Take a picture of every haircut and hairstyle, and when you have a cut & style you love, keep pictures to show hairstylists/cutters what you want. If you color your hair, keep the color current; no roots, or washed out color. Keep nails manicured, either at home or a salon. If you want to weigh less or more, make it a priority.

If you have a specific style - goth, bohemian, preppy, etc., just be sure it's done well. A bad black hair dye job, ill-fitting goth attire, and ragged nails isn't attractive. Beautiful, shiny black hair, black clothes that fit and are in good shape (only ripped where you choose) and a beautiful black manicure is at least attractive to other goths.

relationships: I got nuthin.

job skills: Read this thread on how substituting effort for ability turns out to be a winning formula. Work hard at work. Read work-related magazines, web pages, etc. Take classes to develop skills for the job you have or the job you want. Follow industry organizations, possibly join if that makes sense.

Exercise helps you get physically and mentally healthy, and will help enhance confidence and other good attributes. Have a positive attitude about yourself - notice what you do well, forgive yourself for mistakes, and just learn from them.
posted by theora55 at 9:27 AM on March 20, 2012 [3 favorites]


Nthing volunteering. Find a need that fits with what you could do, but preferably stretching yourself a bit, wandering into unfamiliar territory a bit. You help other people, and you gain a lot. Being proud of something you have achieved is good for your confidence. Doing it amongst a wider team of volunteers will build your people skills, which makes coping with many unfamiliar circumstances easier.

I also think it will be easier to motivate the group around a charity project than any other sort of team effort.
posted by Idcoytco at 10:01 AM on March 20, 2012


Don't just succeed. Fail a lot, too. You have to fail so hard that failing doesn't matter anymore. Fail like this.
posted by pracowity at 11:51 AM on March 20, 2012 [5 favorites]


« Older How do I prep a car for a long road trip   |   Can I buy a bike on marktplaats.nl and have it... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.