Can you help me decline an open dinner invitation?
March 18, 2012 4:05 PM Subscribe
How do I decline an open dinner invitation from an acquaintance with whom I do not wish to spend time?
An acquaintance with whom I do not wish to spend time recently emailed me and stated that he'd like to take me and my spouse out to dinner some time and then asked "how do we make that happen?"
How do I decline this open invitation in a way that ends the conversation and forecloses future invitations from this person?
Bonus points for the person who can come up with a response that is both polite and is honest. In other words, I do not really want to come up with a bogus excuse like, I'm so busy at work these days, etc.
An acquaintance with whom I do not wish to spend time recently emailed me and stated that he'd like to take me and my spouse out to dinner some time and then asked "how do we make that happen?"
How do I decline this open invitation in a way that ends the conversation and forecloses future invitations from this person?
Bonus points for the person who can come up with a response that is both polite and is honest. In other words, I do not really want to come up with a bogus excuse like, I'm so busy at work these days, etc.
Sorry, that's just not possible. Take care!
posted by Sternmeyer at 4:12 PM on March 18, 2012
posted by Sternmeyer at 4:12 PM on March 18, 2012
There's always the old mefi standby of "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible."
Otherwise, are there any particular reasons you would not want to just be brutally honest and say "I'm not really interested in that level of friendship with you, thank you."?
posted by elizardbits at 4:13 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Otherwise, are there any particular reasons you would not want to just be brutally honest and say "I'm not really interested in that level of friendship with you, thank you."?
posted by elizardbits at 4:13 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do you have any other activities with this person? If so, I'd say "Thanks for your offer - that's very kind of you. We're not able to join you for dinner, but I'll see you at [event]."
posted by beyond_pink at 4:14 PM on March 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by beyond_pink at 4:14 PM on March 18, 2012 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: The person lives in my small town and I will inevitably see him around. This answer by beyond_pink is certainly what I am aiming for, but please keep the good responses coming!
posted by kellygreen at 4:16 PM on March 18, 2012
posted by kellygreen at 4:16 PM on March 18, 2012
"Thank you, but I'd rather not do dinner." Then, add something pleasant about whatever other context you usually see them in. E.g.
"Thank you, but I'd rather not do dinner. I do enjoy our chats at work, though."
Or,
"Thank you, but I'd rather not do dinner. I look forward to seeing you next week at the book club."
posted by lollusc at 4:16 PM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Thank you, but I'd rather not do dinner. I do enjoy our chats at work, though."
Or,
"Thank you, but I'd rather not do dinner. I look forward to seeing you next week at the book club."
posted by lollusc at 4:16 PM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
The person lives in my small town and I will inevitably see him around.
Hm. In that case, I think you might have to resign yourself to occasionally receiving future invitations that you'd want to decline, especially if there are other social activities you share, unless they're a perceptive enough person to catch on to your total lack of interest on the first try.
posted by elizardbits at 4:37 PM on March 18, 2012
Hm. In that case, I think you might have to resign yourself to occasionally receiving future invitations that you'd want to decline, especially if there are other social activities you share, unless they're a perceptive enough person to catch on to your total lack of interest on the first try.
posted by elizardbits at 4:37 PM on March 18, 2012
"Oh thanks for thinking about us. We're really busy with a lot of things right now, but I'll let you know if we're ever available!"
That's what I would do and then never let them know I'm not busy.
posted by Sweetmag at 5:12 PM on March 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
That's what I would do and then never let them know I'm not busy.
posted by Sweetmag at 5:12 PM on March 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Depending on your reason for not wanting to spend time with this person and on the person's ability to respect your reason, you may be able to pull this off both honestly and politely. Let's say the person holds some value that you find disgusting. You can say, "Look, I appreciate the invitation, but I just don't think we should be trying to spend time together. We don't see eye to eye on this thing that's very important to my spouse and me, and it's not something that my spouse and I will be able to get past." On some level, it can be quite respectful to just level with someone, to honor their ability to hear the truth.
Now, if this is a person who will try to argue with your stated reasons, then you don't have the luxury of being completely authentic, and you have to go with either evasion ("We're busy...") or verbal blocking ("That just won't be possible!").
posted by Mila at 5:30 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Now, if this is a person who will try to argue with your stated reasons, then you don't have the luxury of being completely authentic, and you have to go with either evasion ("We're busy...") or verbal blocking ("That just won't be possible!").
posted by Mila at 5:30 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Beyond_pink and Sweetmag have given pretty solid suggestions. But it's really hard to give a completely honest rejection that isn't in some way offending. And you really wanna be careful when it comes to business relationships. If you wanna play it safe, I'd go with what Sweetmag said. And then you just have to keep saying your busy. I know that's not the most honest way to go about this, but eventually this coworker should either a. take the hint that you're not interested in dinner with him and his wife, or b. take the hint that you and your husband are so busy it's highly unlikely you'll have time for dinner and that he shouldn't even bother asking anymore.
I also think that you have to give some consideration to where this person stands in the rankings at work. Is he your superior in any way? If so, I hate to say it but you may eventually just have to do dinner in order to keep up good relations. It sucks to be in your position. I hate mixing business with pleasure. And I've tried my hardest not to do so. But in some ways it has hurt me from not using networking to my advantage. Oh well. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 5:31 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
I also think that you have to give some consideration to where this person stands in the rankings at work. Is he your superior in any way? If so, I hate to say it but you may eventually just have to do dinner in order to keep up good relations. It sucks to be in your position. I hate mixing business with pleasure. And I've tried my hardest not to do so. But in some ways it has hurt me from not using networking to my advantage. Oh well. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 5:31 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is what the phrase, "Call me sometime" was invented for.
"Sounds great! Call me sometime."
I have never, ever, ever been called after telling someone in a vague, politely smiling way to call me sometime.
posted by coppermoss at 6:04 PM on March 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
"Sounds great! Call me sometime."
I have never, ever, ever been called after telling someone in a vague, politely smiling way to call me sometime.
posted by coppermoss at 6:04 PM on March 18, 2012 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't get into the reasons why you don't want to hang out. I think a general, "Busy, but I'll let you know if I'm available," works well.
If this is someone you're going to see a lot, I wonder if it might be better just to ignore the invitation entirely and next time you interact with this person, pretend it never happened (but be friendly). I know this is kind of passive-aggressive, but sometimes this can be a kind way to correct someone who has overstepped social bounds. If they bring it up again in person, say, "I'll check my calendar and get back to you." If they bring it up in email again, just ignore again. Only if they've missed the hint twice would I then come out and say "Thanks, but no thanks."
posted by elizeh at 7:17 PM on March 18, 2012
If this is someone you're going to see a lot, I wonder if it might be better just to ignore the invitation entirely and next time you interact with this person, pretend it never happened (but be friendly). I know this is kind of passive-aggressive, but sometimes this can be a kind way to correct someone who has overstepped social bounds. If they bring it up again in person, say, "I'll check my calendar and get back to you." If they bring it up in email again, just ignore again. Only if they've missed the hint twice would I then come out and say "Thanks, but no thanks."
posted by elizeh at 7:17 PM on March 18, 2012
Traditionally, the polite way to do this is to have specific reasons why you can't do any specific date, without categorically rejecting a date in general. It's dishonest, of course, and they'll probably feel rejected, but they will probably feel less rejected than if you categorically reject them.
You can also blame it on your spouse, who is currently involved in a very big project, or working late, or in "crunch" mode.
It probably is a good idea to follow it up with, "but I look forward to seeing you at X."
posted by musofire at 7:50 PM on March 18, 2012
You can also blame it on your spouse, who is currently involved in a very big project, or working late, or in "crunch" mode.
It probably is a good idea to follow it up with, "but I look forward to seeing you at X."
posted by musofire at 7:50 PM on March 18, 2012
If you have to see this person every day, then it's probably not a good idea to go for the upfront approach, or even "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." I would honestly just go for the vaguely-interested-but-noncommittal approach until the person gives up. It's annoying but it allows everyone to save face. If you'd like to stave them off for a while, you can say something like "this month isn't great for us" (but don't suggest next month!). I would just ignore the "how can we make that happen?"
posted by lunasol at 8:45 PM on March 18, 2012
posted by lunasol at 8:45 PM on March 18, 2012
first, misunderstand the question a bit. Act as if you're answering a similar question. "Oh, that's so kind of you, but totally not necessary" and be super polite, but don't answer the real question. "You are so sweet. And we're perfectly pleased with the insurance." Let a couple days go between the question and your response. If it gets pointed and the person calls, reply that you're awfully but, but gee, person is such a nice person for offering. Lunch w/out spouse is a reasonable alternative if you feel you must give in to pressure for buisness reasons.
posted by theora55 at 9:13 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 9:13 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
You: I'll talk it over with my spouse.
Days or weeks go by...
Him: Hey, how about that dinner?
You I'll talk it over with my spouse.
repeat ad infinitum.
Other responses might be better depending on your relationship. If, for example, it's an old bf of yours, or you think the guy's hitting on you, your husband might be willing to be thrown under the bus and have you say "Thanks, but my husband's not interested". If, for example, it's a person you work with who has some controversial views and you'd simply not be seen with him, you might say, "thanks, but we keep our professional lives and privates lives separate. If it's someone who you think is trying to use you, say sell you their MLM products, say, we could have dinner, as long as we don't speak about $MLM; let me know if you're still interested and I'll see if my husband's interested. If the person's a clueless, self-absorbed boor, you may have to either prepare for the long haul and keep putting him off, or decide to be more direct, as in some of the earlier answers.
posted by at at 10:58 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Days or weeks go by...
Him: Hey, how about that dinner?
You I'll talk it over with my spouse.
repeat ad infinitum.
Other responses might be better depending on your relationship. If, for example, it's an old bf of yours, or you think the guy's hitting on you, your husband might be willing to be thrown under the bus and have you say "Thanks, but my husband's not interested". If, for example, it's a person you work with who has some controversial views and you'd simply not be seen with him, you might say, "thanks, but we keep our professional lives and privates lives separate. If it's someone who you think is trying to use you, say sell you their MLM products, say, we could have dinner, as long as we don't speak about $MLM; let me know if you're still interested and I'll see if my husband's interested. If the person's a clueless, self-absorbed boor, you may have to either prepare for the long haul and keep putting him off, or decide to be more direct, as in some of the earlier answers.
posted by at at 10:58 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is about as polite as you can make it, unfortunately. Bogus excuses leave the doors open for future interaction.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:11 PM on March 18, 2012