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What are some techniques I can use to make intercourse more pleasurable for my woman?
March 17, 2012 6:29 AM   Subscribe

What are some techniques I can use to make intercourse more pleasurable for my woman?

I am a guy, and I am very much in love with my girlfriend. We are long-distance, but we get enough time with each other. There is also a good amount of sexytime.

My girl is one of those women who finds that stimulating her clit is far more pleasurable compared to penetrative sex. Consequently, she prefers to be stimulated to orgasm by clit-stimulation. I love using my fingers, or my tongue, on her clit to get her to come. No problems so far.

However, when we do have penetrative sex, she really doesn't "feel" too much. I've had sexual encounters in the past with other women (I'm her first, though) and they seemed to get along OK with me intercourse-wise, so I don't suppose I am doing something terribly wrong. The fact that my gf doesn't really enjoy penetration is a real downer to me - so we really end up not doing it so much. She is incredibly open and generous and very goood in other ways: blowjobs, handjobs, buttplay.

Should I really be bothered about her physical insensitivity to penetration? Is this normal among some women? Are there some things I can do - technique-wise - to get her to feel more turned on by penetration?

I wonder though if this situation is perfectly normal and I live in some porn-fantasy world where fucking means only intercourse and everything else is merely "foreplay" of some sort.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
There's an important thing you need to know: every woman is different. No two women respond the same way or enjoy the same things. Something that is mind-blowing for one woman could be downright painful for another.

Don't worry about her lack of responsiveness -- do what she likes. But if you're really into penetrative sex, talk to her and see if there's anything you can do to make it better for her. I'm thinking like pulling out and rubbing her clip with your tip, or even taking a break to go down on her. Unless it's painful for her, I don't see why she wouldn't want to do something you really enjoy, just like you are with her.

Also, is it possible this is psychological for her? If, for example, she was sexually abused or raped she could be finding it unpleasurable but would otherwise enjoy it.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:39 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Stroke her clit with your fingers while you are inside her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:47 AM on March 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


""I wonder though if this situation is perfectly normal and I live in some porn-fantasy world where fucking means only intercourse and everything else is merely "foreplay" of some sort." ... "Is this normal among some women?""
    You almost don't even need us. Your partner is not alone, as much as 40-60% of women don't get as much out of penetrative sex as other varieties, and it really doesn't need to be a problem.

"Should I really be bothered about her physical insensitivity to penetration?"
    Why should you be? It has nothing to do with you, your penis, or any 'ability' you might have or not have with penetrative sex. My partner is the same way to a lesser extent, and I suppose it bothers me a little, but only in the way that it bothers me that she does not openly affirm and acknowledge Edward Norton to be BY FAR THE HOTTEST MOTHERFUCKER IN FIGHT CLUB, LIKE ITS NOT EVEN CLOSE, COME ON. She has things she likes that are not absolutely perfectly in line with things I like and that is perfectly fine and healthy. Fucking that is fun can be all sorts of things in addition to or instead of PIV penetrative sex, which you guys seem to have already discovered. Just make sure you are as generous with her as she is with you, and make sure you ask her how to be.
"Are there some things I can do - technique-wise - to get her to feel more turned on by penetration?"
    Do you guys have a vibrator? You might try handing it to her so that she can do her thing while you do yours in a missionary position. Conveniently the whole area vibrates, which is also kind of neat.

posted by Blasdelb at 7:09 AM on March 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


You can get small eggs that you can slip between you both you can rest it over her clit and the lips of the labia will help it stay in place. If you let her control the remote she can have all the clitoral stimulation she wants while you are inside her. There are a huge range of toys that will work for this and if you hunt around they don't cost very much and come in a range of sizes and variations. Some of the larger wands etc are amazing and work great doggy style, where she can stimulate herself while you are inside her. Experimenting to find the right combination of toys and position can be fun in itself.

If you can get her stimulated clitorally while you are inside her, you being inside will add to the fun. Every woman is different, but penetration alone isn't always the end all and be all of sex for women as it is for men. Have you tried playing with her breasts while you are inside her? Kissing/licking/biting her neck, slapping her lightly on the ass, stroking her thighs, talking dirty to her? Add layers of stimulation, they don't all have to be focused on the one thing and then your penetration can be the final stimulation that helps push her over the edge. OH position can help too, some women find doggy style more enjoyable because of the location of nerves in their vagina, some don't so shake things up a bit there too.

Also I hate to say it I think you are right in the last line in that you are living in a bit of a porn fantasy world, women all respond to different things (also sometimes what worked one day doesn't do it for you the next) and sometimes the penetration part is a bit like going down on someone you aren't enjoying it so much that day, but you love the person and they like it so what the heck, if that makes sense. You like eating her out? She likes making you feel good, so if you make the journey up to penetration a fun ride for her and as long as she's still happy to do it don't feel bad if she can't come that way.
posted by wwax at 7:13 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


You might find a shared vibrator like this one helpful.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:20 AM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Perhaps you can encourage her to touch herself, but ease into it until she feels comfortable sharing that with you, if she hasn't already. Then encourage her to touch herself during penetration, it's incredibly intimate and could be pleasurable for both of you.
posted by i_wear_boots at 7:24 AM on March 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Vibrators are great idea - beware the WeVibe though, it didn't cut it for me or a few other women I know who've tried it out.
posted by OsoMeaty at 7:35 AM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Do you guys have a vibrator? You might try handing it to her so that she can do her thing while you do yours in a missionary position. Conveniently the whole area vibrates, which is also kind of neat.

Yes to this, with the addition that positions other than missionary might work even better. (What works best is totally individual, based on your shapes and your preferences and so on. The good news is that you figure this out with lots of experimenting, so you win no matter what.) Smaller and more rounded vibes are probably going to work better than a big clunky one with sharp edges.

And make your own enjoyment clear and fun for her. One of the rewards of sex is seeing your partner have fun; even if she isn't having a million orgasms per thrust, she will probably enjoy knowing how much pleasure she is giving you.
posted by Forktine at 7:49 AM on March 17, 2012


Yes, there are techniques. Plenty of them. Every woman is different so you just have to keep trying til you find the right one. Since you are her first, size could be an issue. She needs to be very relaxed before penetration. She should be stimulated but best to wait a bit before bringing her to orgasm. Some women, once we climax, we tighten up and our fluids run dry. Always have lube on ready.

There is an angle that some men can do when you are in missionary position that allows the base of your penis to rub gently against the clitoris. This takes skill. Practice it. It is lovely.

Experiment with positions that leave it easy for you to use your hands on her (wet fingers only) while inside her. Many, many positions allow for this.

If she is experiencing discomfort then that needs to be addressed. A new partner can upset the delicate ph balance for a woman. She may have the beginnings of a bacterial infection or a yeast infection.

Finally, remember to take breaks between heavy thrusting to stimulate her or to make sure that she is stimulated. There is nothing worse than a guy getting so into his experience that he almost forgets that there is someone else there.
posted by myselfasme at 7:50 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


What about a vibrating cockring? In that particular one you can adjust the vibrations for each of the bullets and its quite powerful. And, fun for both of you!
posted by Nolechick11 at 7:51 AM on March 17, 2012


The fact that my gf doesn't really enjoy penetration is a real downer to me - so we really end up not doing it so much.

Did she tell you she didn't like it? Orgasms are not the be all end all of sex.

More importantly--ask her what she likes about it.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:55 AM on March 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm her first, though

You should make it a real priority to ask her about your question and commit to experimenting with a variety of positions, etc. You guys are long-distance and you are her first partner. That is not a great sample size for determining "penetration doesn't do it for me at all" and what's more she may already have a good sense of how it could be more pleasurable for her; you're never going to know unless you ask her.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:18 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think it's pretty common to think of sex as The Foreplay and The Sex, where, as you said, The Sex is the piv portion of the fun times, and The Foreplay is everything else and secondary to the main event. But really it's all The Sex, especially for a lot of women for whom piv is great fun, but not the part where they necessarily have the orgasms. Stop thinking of them as two separate things. And, yeah, what everyone else said about the clit.
posted by Mavri at 8:19 AM on March 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


My girl is one of those women who finds that stimulating her clit is far more pleasurable compared to penetrative sex.

So she's in the significant majority of women, then? 60 to 70 percent of women, depending on which study you read, don't achieve orgasm by penile thrusting alone.

A) Ask her whether she enjoys penis-in-vagina intercourse. People enjoy lots of sexual things that don't produce orgasm.
B) Assuming the answer to A) is "yes", then see if you can combine intercourse with clitoral stimulation in ways that get you both off.
C) Yeah, get rid of the idea that women coming from penis-in-vagina intercourse is somehow "better" than women coming from manual or oral stimulation of the external clitoris.
D) Stop calling her "my woman." That's a total vagina-clencher right there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:18 AM on March 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


Wow, I hate the term "doggy style" with a wild unholy passion, but I can't think of any other unambiguous way to describe the positions that give the most scope for clitoral stimulation during p-i-v intercourse. So, yeah. Trying it that way, maybe with a vibe...
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:21 AM on March 17, 2012


....I hate to be the meanie here, but --

You shoudn't be asking us. You should be asking HER.

Has she said she doesn't like intercourse? Have you told her that you're feeling uneasy that she doesn' t like it, and it's turning into An Issue For You? Has she given you ideas about what would be better?

I'm like her too -- but I dig intercourse anyway, because even if I don't come that way it's still way fun trying. Also - man, is it ever a rush when I'm able to get a guy off. Probably about as much of a rush as it is for you to get your girlfriend off when you go down on her. ( that's a good point, does the fact that YOU don't "feel anything" yourself when you go down on her mean that therefore YOU don't like cunnilingus? Of course not. So maybe it's the same way with your girlfriend and intercourse.)

Talk to her. Tell her what you're worried about. Ask her what she would like. Try stuff that addresses that. Or -- maybe she'll tell you that she's doing just fine and you have nothing to worry about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:59 AM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


She Comes First expands on something that came up on the blue recently about the clitoris being much more than the (visible) glans.

Something that surprised me is that the shallow portion of the vagina is more sensitive than the deeper part. That explains why one partner loved the "fish move" so much: more stimulation to the near-opening side walls.
posted by morganw at 1:04 PM on March 17, 2012


Ha! I am like this and although I do very much enjoy PIV I can only come when there's rhythmic pressure against my clit at the same time. It took some practice (!) to figure out the optimum configuration but it generally works best for me when partner's pubis is in rhythmic contact with my sensitive area. This works best in missionary with straight legs, or me lying (not sitting!) on top - I like that very much because I can control the rhythm. I'm keen on other PIV positions for different sensations, but will be using hands/tongues/random edge of furniture before or afterwards rather than focusing on orgasm at that point.

Basically, this stuff isn't immediately obvious and if you're her first it might take some experimentation to work out what suits. If PIV just doesn't cut the mustard for her orgasm-wise don't sweat it - it's the case for many women and being open to discovering alternatives will make it way more fun for both of you.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:22 AM on March 18, 2012


Yes, this situation is perfectly normal. Yes, you might be living in some porn-fantasy world where fucking means only intercourse and everything else is merely "foreplay" of some sort.
posted by jennyhead at 8:35 AM on March 18, 2012


I am sharing this because I hope it will be helpful. I read this article recently, and until I read this article, I had NO IDEA that the clitoris actually *wraps around* the vagina, internally. This was an unbelievable revelation to me, and it suddenly made sense, this experience that I had a year or two ago.

Up until that experience, I would have described myself like your girlfriend. Then, one day, I actually felt something intense and was able to orgasm from penetration. It had taken a lot of stimulation to get to the point where I was able to feel that, but once I got there... Anyway, up until that day, I didn't realize what it took for me to get excited to the point where that felt really good to me. But once I read the article, and saw the diagrams, I figure that for me, I probably just need to get excited to the point where the clitoris is enlarged enough that I can feel something from penetration.

Enjoy the diagrams. I hope you find them useful. Happy experimentation.

One small note: It can be really obnoxious when a guy is more focused on a girl's orgasm than on her overall pleasure. For me, feeling *any* kind of performance pressure to orgasm makes it 100x less likely... it becomes nearly impossible for me. Don't be that guy.
posted by eleyna at 3:05 AM on March 30, 2012


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