I only want a partial enchilada, thank you
March 12, 2012 11:41 PM Subscribe
I have too much of a good thing. A lot of people want to date me. I am not interested in most of them beyond friendship, though, and I'm in a really comfortable FWB situation and don't want "the whole enchilada" of commitment, yet I only want this one person.
posted by anonymous to human relations (23 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I am a mid-40s bi woman who just got out of an LTR a year ago. (Forgive my naivete about dating at my age; last time I was with someone new, neither Facebook nor OKCupid had been invented yet!) I've been in a very close FWB arrangement with someone for about eight months. We are best friends and lovers, but we are both reluctant to define what we have as "a relationship" and are free to hook up with/date others. We don't even make a big deal of the benefits and most people assume we're just friends. I love this person very much and we spend most of our free time together. However, for various reasons too complicated to go into (he plans to leave the country in a year or two, for one thing) we don't see each other as compatible for an LTR. That's actually OK. It is what it is and I'm grateful for our closeness.
I've tried dating and platonically befriending other people, but it seems like there is always a point where someone wants more. Either they drift away when they realize I'm spending most of my time with my friend, or they confront me about me being not that into them. I don't want to hurt anyone, but the truth is that I have a rapport with my friend that I haven't had with anyone else since my most recent ex, and these other people are awesome but I'm just not that attracted to them. I don't know if it's that my FWB is edging them out or if I wouldn't be feeling it for them in any case. I did think of myself as poly for a while...but maybe I'm not. All I know is that I hate hurting people and it's hard to turn them down for a non-relationship that isn't even monogamous.
Maybe it's that my last LTR was super-intense and all-consuming, and my best friend/lover isn't at all demanding, yet is always there for me and it's so comfortable. I don't really know.
I already know that if I approached my FWB with a request for a short-term monogamous relationship he'd say no. We've already discussed this. (At this point I am pretty sure he feels much the same as I do, though -- he hasn't really "felt it" for anyone besides me since we got together). And I don't think that's really what I want. I do want to keep my options open. I just don't know how to turn people down and keep them as friends -- I've always had being "taken" as an excuse before. The people I turn down are going to see it as they are being rejected for someone I don't even have a commitment with...and I can't really say that they are wrong. I prefer the company of my best friend to anyone else. That's why he's my best friend. I felt this way back when I regarded him as a surrogate brother, too. I just don't have a strong connection like this to anyone else at the moment and because he is leaving I want to spend as much time as possible with him.
Don't know how to think about this, don't know how to explain it to others who might offer more of a committed relationship to me and who might seem much more compatible. I'd use the Miko guidelines, but the people I'm not feeling it for know all about my FWB and have pointed out that I'm more into him. They are jealous and see him as standing in the way. And I'm not sure they are wrong.