One sided friendship, or poor social skills?
March 10, 2012 11:40 PM Subscribe
I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if a new friendship is one sided and should be tossed, or if I'm just not presenting myself well.
posted by Zapak to Human Relations (20 answers total)
Recently made an effort to become friends with a girl I had classes with at uni years ago. She works at a super mart now and we would stop and chat whenever we ran into each other. She seemed like a cool nerdy sort of person and lit up whenever she saw me, so not long ago, I got her to add me on Facebook. I FB messaged her and asked her to an event with some friends shortly afterwards. She said she probably couldn't go, so I left my number incase she changed her mind and made it out. Not long after that, I ran into her when I was meeting a friend on campus. We talked about job openings at her store (I'd mentioned I was looking for work) and when I went to meet my friend I found she had texted me with more info. I hadn't asked for her number, and she didn't really have much to say in the text. So, I took it as an invitation to talk. We texted back and forth for a while, sometimes for hours on end. Just BS. At first, the back and forth was pretty much mutual, both sides were invested. She talked quite a bit about herself, but it wasn't entirely one sided. She would text me goofy pictures, and ask occasional questions. I assumed she just liked to gab.
Recently though, whenever we talk it's entirely one sided. She always says hi when I see her in her store, and if I post a comment on something she wrote on FB, or see her in the store when she can't talk, she'll text me. Everything she has to say is nearly entirely about her though; Tests she has, her upcoming girls night out, etc. Last time I tried asking her something mutual (if she heard of a musical group), during a conversation she just ignored it until I texted again.
A few things of note: I'm a 23 year old boy, and she has a boyfriend. Initially I thought she might be flirting with me, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now and tried to keep things on a "friends" level. Not long after we started texting for hours on end, she sent me a bizzarre text about her being in love with her BF, and planning to have his babies some day. She wanted to make sure this was "bearable". I replied honestly, saying that I had thought she was flirting with me, but that she wasn't my type, and I hoped we were on the same page, and that was about that.
From the start I tried to make it clear I wasn't hitting on her. I said she should FB me and she did. I gave her my number, but didn't ask for hers. She gave it to me anyway when she texted me.
At this point I don't know if she's actively trying to be uninterested so she doesn't appear to be unfaithful, if her BF is pressuring her not to talk to me, if she's just self involved, or if she doesn't have any interest in me as a person.
I missed out on a lot of social skills growing up homeschooled in a cabin in the woods. So, I'm not really sure what's normal. She claims to be a socially awkward penguin, but seems pretty decent with people. This friendship is for me an experiment in having a close platonic female friend, the fact that she seems willing to talk (albeit about herself) seems like a good opportunity to try different things.
I'm not sure how to proceed. For the moment, I've been friendly but ignoring texts that have no obvious question or invitation to chat more. Am I supposed to insert myself into conversation and talk about what's going on in my life, or is this a lost cause? I understand people need a certain amount of give and take to be friends, but I don't want to keep asking her about herself and talking about what's going on in her life if she doesn't have any interest in reciprocating. I'm 95% sure if I text her right now she'll text me back within the hour, if not immediately. Though it will likely be entirely about her.
TL;DR: She's not asking questions or showing interest in me as a friend. I don't know if this is her being self involved, trying to not send the wrong signals, or if I just suck at putting myself out there (I'm a quiet guy) Should I insert myself into the conversation and try to share more without being asked, or move on?