How do you convince yourself to quit something you don't really want to?

July 8, 2005 12:40 AM

How do you convince yourself to quit something you don't really want to?

Yesterday morning I realized that I am in a relationship I shouldn't be in. The last two years (of a 4-year relationship) have been filled with promises which, despite the fact that they have never -- never -- been kept, I continually believe in, and I can't do it anymore. I know I have to end this, but I don't know how.

I am still in love with this boy, and as much as I know there is nothing good to come of this relationship, I can't convince myself to simply say 'enough.' He is a habit, or rather an idea, that I can't get rid of. I doubt he will change, and I know that if he does, it is something I have no control over.

So how do you make yourself stop something when you really don't want to? How do you quit a person, a job, a school, or a habit when you actually like it or love it? How do you separate your feelings about something from your thoughts about it? How do you decide to break your own heart in own motion rather than let it be chipped away at by another?

I am not worried that I won't be able to deal with this, but I don't know how to gird myself to this. I can't even quit smoking entirely despite knowing it is bad for me, how can I quit a person?

And what do you do if you quit something and regret it?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

Oh boy.
Well, as for people, you just have to bear it (the breakup). I had a breakup that I knew had to be, but had a very hard time instigating - a few years ago. Sometimes I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I remind myself of all the times I knew instinctually it would be better for both of us to have it end. It will suck, it will hurt, you'll want to get back together, but you have to stick it out. There will be others - and yes you wonder if you could ever have such a special connection again - but it can happen, and you will find the right relationship for yourself. Don't stay in an unhealthy relationship - it's a bit akin to ignoring a tumour hoping it'll go away - it just gets worse, and harder to cut out, meanwhile you've missed other opportunities and wasted time. Time is our most valuable asset.
As for addictions..well, I've been patient with myself and realized I'm not a coldturkey person. I bit my fingernails for several years - late childhood 'til college - but managed to quit. I still pick at them now and then, but only in times of high stress - as opposed to all the time. I cured myself of a bout with OCD back in highschool by babysteps - beginning to do the opposite of things I was afraid of - ie: leaving the bed unmade, or doing things a number of times that I considered 'unlucky'. It's gone. I'm very proud of myself for that - it was a misery.
Each addiction/habit, just as in people, is unique. I hope my brief bit here is helpful in some way.
Namaste,
R7
posted by Radio7 at 2:04 AM on July 8, 2005

I discovered that I can only break and habit by "replacing" it. But this is not as bad as it looks, because at least I can chose which habit is going to replace it.

For example, if I need to break up with someone (relationship wise) I buy five books, five music CDs and I watch five different movies I would never see it otherwise.

I do this for two/three weeks. If I still miss the person, it means that it was not a habit, it was someone who was important for me.

For things (coffee, for e.g.), I never do cold turkey; I slowly replace for something similar. I used to even drank hot water on a cup to replace my coffee cups after lunch time. apparently, my brain knew I was drinking water, but soon I was able to discover that half of the habit was simply the subconscious playing tricks on me.

Hope that helps,

PS: BTW, for people - if you are going to breakup with someone - I discovered that "let's remain friends" is not something that works for me. I always wait two/three months for talking/socializing again with that person.
posted by LittlePrince at 3:18 AM on July 8, 2005

Apologies if this doesn't help, but the headline of your question made me think of this one from a week or so ago:

http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/20312

posted by electric_counterpoint at 3:22 AM on July 8, 2005

I actually think that you're on the right track, although, as you recognize, it will not be easy. The basic strategy I would suggest is to remove yourself from the level of consideration at which the [thing] is giving you the pleasure that makes it difficult to quit. Move up a level and consider the affect on your life as a whole, or just on your career, or something. You have already begun this process, and simply need to refine it a bit.

It sounds like you've decided you need to make a change, so I would actually make a list of reasons why. A pro and con list is fine, if there are more cons than pros you can begin to reconsider you decision. But, as I said above, because you have said that you want to leave for reasons that are bigger than the day to day with this guy, you should write the list accordingly. This is the same thing you can do for quitting smoking. Smoking is enjoyable, which makes it hard to quit. If you base your decision on whether or not it's enjoyable, you're going to be smoking for a long time. If, on the other hand, you want to quit but can't, you need to teach yourself why it's a good idea, and that needs to outweigh the enjoyable part. So, you make a list of why smoking is not good, a list that acknowledges the good parts, but recognizes that there are larger issues to be considered. Health is one, but may be too broad to be motivating. How it smells on your clothes, cosmetic changes to how you look, money you've been needing to buy your first house. I don't know, you do. Same list for the guy: I want to have kids, I want kinkier sex, I want...What you're trying to do is create a kind of meta-desire to break up with him.

Your gonna regret it. Especially in the situation you describe. But this is yet another reason to go to the trouble of really thinking it out, getting the reasoning down. That way you can refer back to the basis for your decision rather than simply back to the decision. On a lonely night, with a guy you still like, regret is going to come easy, so you should think about it before hand and probably put some rules in place to control your desires to give him a call. Just like you keep cigarettes out of the house after quitting.

Oh yes, I agree with all of the replacement advice. Find something else to do and do it a lot. I post a hell of a lot more to MeFi since my recent break-up, and it actually helps keep my mind active (shocking, given the level of some of the discourse) and otherwise engaged.
posted by OmieWise at 4:51 AM on July 8, 2005

[fixed e_c's link]
posted by jessamyn at 5:04 AM on July 8, 2005

Do your best to think long term about the situation. Most people won't leave a bad relationship because it will make them unhappy, even though the unhappiness will be short-term. Just keep reminding yourself that it's better to be unhappy for a month or six months or even a year than miserable for the next thirty to fifty years.
posted by orange swan at 5:08 AM on July 8, 2005 [1 favorite]

Use what you're thinking about now as a wedge and deal with the present instead of the future. All those promises? You're calling them due today and if they're all still unfilled, then you're going to take a little time for yourself until such a time as they either 1) come true or 2) weigh less heavily on your brain. It sounds like Mr. Promisemaker might be an interesting person to keep in your life, but he may be a lousy boyfriend. Give him some time off, maybe a long time, and go make a list of some of the things you'd like to do without him [as OmieWise says]. Think of all the compromises you make to be in a relationship -- all the ways you are different from maybe your ideal you because you're part of a "we" -- and go selfishly seek them, with another person or just yourself.

The good news is that that's a solveable problem. The bad news is that if you've been in a relationship for a long time, you may have forgotten how to think about these things from a purely selfish point of view which may be a good way to get over the initial hump of getting something done. Ask yourself, if you had a friend who was stuck in a relationship like you seem to think you are stuck in, what advice would you give them?

I'm not sure if this is helpful but keep in mind that unless another person quits you, you can often have a hand in deciding how much they stay in your life after a breakup. While I agree with LittlePrince that quitting cold turkey is usually best [for me anyhow] when leaving a relationship, if there's no hard core animosity, there is a good chance the two of you will still be in each other's lives in the years to come.

The last long term relationship I left, not by my choosing, was made easier by a deal the two of us made: check in again in five years just to make sure we hadn't made a dreadful mistake. Of course five years later the whole thing seems amusing to me, he's married with a kid and I'm in a long term relationship of my own, but that idea kept me going and kept me away from moony eyed moping over the whole thing for the first few months. Of course, this is terrible advice if either of you have stalkerish can't-get-over-it tendencies, but it worked well for pragmatic old me.
posted by jessamyn at 5:19 AM on July 8, 2005

If he really is a habit, it will be tempting to call him up and try to get back together after you do instigate the break-up. Ask for help from a friend you trust, and have them keep you accountable for not calling him for a few weeks. If you need to, have someone stay with you, or let you stay with them.

It sounds like you are already more than halfway there. Good luck!
posted by copperbleu at 6:01 AM on July 8, 2005

Depending on how tied down you may be otherwise (job, own/lease home, etc.) you may have the option to "step off" by going TO something else - i.e., another place & environment. In my case it was going into the military (not that I'm recommending anything like that here). Getting out of town & away from the temptation and surroundings/friends that reminded me of her helped greatly, and put me on another track entirely, much to my ultimate benefit. Of course in my case, once I signed up it was an "nonrefundable" deal I couldn't back out of, which pretty much put the vise grips on any attempts at back-sliding. Get away for a while if possible. Good luck.
posted by Pressed Rat at 6:01 AM on July 8, 2005

for me i have to put myself into a position where i am forced to do what i know has to be done. sometimes this has involved doing self destructive or stupid impulsive things, but i know i'm so afraid of hurting people and hurting myself, the only way is to jump off like that. to burn the bridge if you will.
posted by yeahyeahyeahwhoo at 6:39 AM on July 8, 2005

Use the concentration of thought that brought you to post this question as the jump off point to make a definite plan to end the relationship.

I don't discount OmieWise's suggestion of noting things for the self but it sounds like you don't so much need justifying factors as to why you should leave as much as you need the prompt to actually end it. For some I imagine that noting pros and cons can be a way to further equivocate, leading to doubts leading to paralysis. As I say, the logical step-by-step analysis can be good for some but jumping in and just doing it (ending it) might be a way for you to minimize the feelings of doubt. [accepting that you are sure enough that the relationship has no future, which it sounds to me you are]

Ensure you have the means to self-establish if you need to move. Plan the talk. Pick a time/day. Tell him. Tell him while you've raised it so high in your mind. This week or next week kind of thing. 2c
posted by peacay at 7:11 AM on July 8, 2005

When I was in a "should I / should I not" break-up merry-go-round, the few friends I was talking to about it were all very supportive and helpful. The one who was the least supportive, however, was the one who was most helpful. She had been in a relationship for a long time, a relationship I liked and respected, and she said to me, "Dump him. It shouldn't be this hard."

Before that, no one had said it out loud. After that, all I could think was, "I deserve better." That thought got me through a lot of heartache, and gave me the resolve to actually break if off.

You may already be there mentally and emotionally, but if you're not, just realize that you do deserve better. Two people making each other miserable is not what the universe wants.
posted by occhiblu at 7:58 AM on July 8, 2005

i completely feel for you as i had this situation not long ago--same amount of time together, same problem, sam constant let downs after promises were broken over and over, same addiction to an emotionally toxic environment. i found a few things helped, but (to be suckfully honest) time was of course a big factor, and just plain suffering for a while. but anyway:

.use negative reinforcement. there was an askme a while back about how to stop thinking about someone, and one suggestion was to wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it hard when you find yourself fixating. if that's too dorky or extreme, have a mantra ready that you say calmly but firmly to yourself in your head when you find yourself drifting back to him mentally..."stop it. you know better. remember how he..." etc.
.another mefi thread mentioned structured procrastination, and i sort of use a similar thing. associate your bad habit with something positive you WOULD be happy or proud to be focusing on--on my rubber band wrist cuff i wrote in pen "boy=korean" which was a reminder to me--whenever i got the itch to call Toxic Boy, or wonder how he was doing, or write him, or believe him for the umpteenth time, or just when i'd begun to get over him and he came back out of nowhere to jerk my heart around again and i'd get the urge to let him back in, or whatever, i'd throw myself into studying korean (the language). i took books and tapes out of the library, cracked open my old college textbooks, etc. needless to say i've improved my korean reading ability. try to find something to throw yourself at ferociously, as ferociously as you throw yourself into your bad habit, and do that instead. it probably works best if it's something very concrete and tangible. i cooked a lot too when i got lonely or upset. and when i was rip roaringly pissed and wanted to contact him just to tell him so, i found walking like a demon around town helped. remind yourself no matter what reason you think you have to restart contact with him, it's a reason you could better serve by doing something other than contacting him. let off steam other ways, rebuild your ego and emotions other ways, get social other ways. no matter what, going to him to get those needs met--even if you say "i'm just going to let him know why i'm saying goodbye" or "i'm just going to get it all off my chest and be really angry and that'll cleanse me of it" etc., those are things you can do without him, and ultimately should do without him. the goal is to make him totally unnecessary in your life, regardless of the fact he affected it so much in the first place.
.similarly, FIND YOUR FRIENDS. this is a time when you need them, and if they're your friends, they will understand and be there for you. i filled my time up with going out with friends, even if it was really low key, just to talk and play video or board games, or go buy yarn for knitting, or whatever. the addiction was for me partly a social issue--he was my best friend on top of my toxic ex, and so i was scared because i was losing my best friend as well, and reverted and was weak about cutting it off partly because of that loss too. talk, talk, talk to people other than him, and just get out there and do stuff with people. it's really hard to want to at first, but it makes a difference. it reminds you you aren't alone, he wasn't your life raft, etc. and it gives you perspective about your worth sans him.

i wish you super luck. my heart goes out to you.
posted by ifjuly at 8:53 AM on July 8, 2005

Perhaps I am alone in this...but are you sure you want to break up? You say that you are in love with this person and you don't want to break up. So who says that you have to? Granted, broken promises get old fast, but they aren't the end of the world. (Any chance that there are there promises or expectations that you've left unfulfilled as well?) Perhaps something can be salvaged from this relationship. If you still love each other after 4 years, that counts for a hell of a lot. Maybe you should be a little vindictive and lay out all your major problems with the union and tell him that you really need the reassurance that progress is going to take place. If he doesn't respond, sometimes the very real threat of a break up and/or moving out for a few weeks can drive a person into action. I generally don't advocate being manipulative, yet it might be worth it as a last ditch effort before you give up completely.
posted by crapulent at 9:25 AM on July 8, 2005

Think hard about how you'll feel about this relationship a few years from now. When I think about my life so far I am often furious and/or despondent over the fact that I spent so many years in relationships that I knew almost from the beginning, that I knew even more while I was in them, weren't going to work out. But I maintained them because - I don't know, a lot of reasons that seemed good enough reasons at the time. And when I look back, they weren't really good enough reasons after all. And now those years are gone, and that time is gone, and I can't get it back. Oh, sure, it's not like I didn't learn anything from them, but when I think about what I could have been doing if I'd have just ditched what wasn't working, instead of "settling" or worse, convincing myself I was in love....

Also, I've learned that a lot of things I thought I'd never get over, in time, I *have* gotten over - and it wasn't so hard, either, with enough time and avoidance. If I could go back five or ten or even fifteen years and smack some sense into myself, I would. Hindsight's 20/20, though.
posted by Melinika at 10:44 AM on July 8, 2005