Need Girlfriend Breakup Advice
July 7, 2005 7:38 AM   Subscribe

I'm a graduate student who has been dating a classmate for about a year and a half. She a nice girl for the most part and a mother. I should explain that she got pregnant at an early age (19) from an older man (about twice her age) and still managed to do well academically. While I realize that she is very well put together academically, emotionally she is not as mature a person as I would ideally like to be with. I recently broke up with her (or at least I thought I did), but ended up right back in her arms consoling her and attempting to stem the apparent emotional devastation this break up was causing. I have been clear about my issues and honest to no avail. What do I do to get out of this relationship? We live in the same building and function in the same atmosphere. I can live with her hating me. During the (mock) break-up she told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she can't let me go. I am only her second boyfriend (the first being the father of her child) and third person she's ever had sex with. She has a history of clinging. I imagine a lot of people would say sever this cold turkey, but theres no such thing for someone who clings so tightly and does not appear to have the emotional coping skills to deal with rejection. I am afraid of her hurting herself, the kid, me and so on. She has absolutely no friends outside of her sister who is a year younger, while I have many. She doesn't appear to be able to connect with anyone other than her sig. other (me) and her sister. She hates her mother, doesn't know her father that well and says she is unable to bond with her child (quote, " I don't really feel attached to the child"). This leaves me alone on an emotional island of sorts. Maybe we all need therapy. I have taken the issue of birth control into my own hands, as I am afraid if left to her we might 'accidentally' end up in babyland. A bad situation for all. Any ideas, I'm open.
posted by nmorgan to Human Relations (21 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: All you can do is say "We are breaking up." and then actually break up with her. QUIT SLEEPING WITH HER- if you "break up" with her, then turn around and comfort her and offer her sex, that's not actually broken up. If you think the child is in danger, call CPS.

QUIT SLEEPING WITH HER. That's the only way you're guaranteed you can't "accidentally" end up in babyland- even if you use condoms, there's nothing stopping her from retrieving the used condoms afterwards or screwing somebody else, and you could *still* accidentally end up in babyland. The only way to not end up there is to

QUIT SLEEPING WITH HER.

Cut off all the mixed signals. There is a such thing for someone that clingy- you don't talk to her, you don't take her calls, you don't open the door to her. You can't save her and also break up with her. Talk to her sister, give her a heads up, that way she has someone already on her side who loves her and who will help take care of her.
posted by headspace at 7:51 AM on July 7, 2005


Best answer: I have been clear about my issues and honest to no avail.

Not clear enough it seems. Sever all ties. Give her all the stuff out of your apartment that belongs to her and get all of yours out of hers if you can. If she hangs on to things just to find an excuse to see you, cut your losses and buy new stuff. Don't answer calls from her, don't visit with her, and for god's sake, man, don't sleep with her anymore.
posted by chiababe at 8:09 AM on July 7, 2005


What they said. Yes she'll be unhappy and yes you'll feel the urge to comfort her but giving in just means you'll make her unhappy over and over again. There's not an easy way out, all you can do is limit how unhappy you make her and over what period of time. Finish it now, don't look back until you're both over it.
posted by biffa at 8:48 AM on July 7, 2005


Her issues are her issues. You sound pretty arrogant in the way you seem to consider yourself her savior and only grace. The only way to do this is to do it cold turkey and let her sort out her own issues, like all people must. Anything else and you're right back in it.

So if you want out, get out.
posted by xmutex at 8:56 AM on July 7, 2005


Don't sleep with her anymore. Cut off contact. If you can be friends at a later point, it will happen. CUT IT OFF.

- don't talk to her
- don't call her
- don't answer her phone calls / e-mails
- ignore her if at all possible
- tell her that you can't communicate with her for a few months and that you'll try to communicate with her then (maybe?)

- STOP SLEEPING WITH HER.
posted by k8t at 8:59 AM on July 7, 2005


What everyone else said and double for the STOP SLEEPING WITH HER.

Living in the same building presents some problems when it comes to cutting off all contact. If she is as clingy as you say, you might end up with her sobbing outside your front door for hours if you refuse to open it. You need to get some distance to aid in the severing of ties.

Can you stay with friends or relatives for a couple of weeks to eliminate the urge to comfort her, speak to her, sleep with her, etc.?

Finally, if she does try to hurt herself or her child, it is not your fault. You can not save her, nor can you stay with her just to keep her from self harm or harming others. However, if it seems like it is getting really bad, speak to school counselors who will be able to intervene in the case of her declining mental health.
posted by necessitas at 9:29 AM on July 7, 2005


I essentially agree with what others have already said, but its also clear that there are some complications that render simply cutting all ties with her difficult or even impossible. Some additional points:

I'm a graduate student who has been dating a classmate

Since you are in grad school together, you obviously can't cut off all contact, so you will need to be very explicit about how to manage your everyday interactions (e.g., "we can chat if we bump into each other in the hallway or if we are going out with a group of other students, but for now we cannot see each other outside of a school context; or something like this). You may also need to modify your schedule to minimize running into her.

During the (mock) break-up she told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she can't let me go.

I don't mean to be harsh, but this isn't all that uncommon to hear from someone you are breaking up with. It may be true; it may be a desperate attempt to keep you together; or it may be a manipulative appeal to your vanity. Consider the possibility that this is a self-interested statement.

I am afraid of her hurting herself, the kid, me and so on.

If you are truly afraid of any of these happening (and not just exaggerating), then seriously consider involving outside professionals. At the very least, strongly suggest that she get professional help for herself.

She has absolutely no friends outside of her sister who is a year younger, while I have many. She doesn't appear to be able to connect with anyone other than her sig. other (me) and her sister.

This is very very sad, but it is not your problem, and it indicates someone who has a serious inability to form lasting attachments. You are not her savior; you will not change these things about her, no matter how great she (or you) thinks you are.
posted by googly at 9:37 AM on July 7, 2005


What everyone said. You know what you need to do; you've tried to do it already. Do it again, and make it stick.
posted by languagehat at 9:54 AM on July 7, 2005


Is it a possibility that you might be ambivalent about ending the relationship with her? And that your ambivalence is cloaking itself in all the concern you raise about her? It may indeed be true that she is interpersonally damaged and unstable, but I found myself wondering if that's the whole story for you.

I'd suggest that you need to get clear about your desires and motives NOW. As someone who went through something similar long ago, looking back I realize that being around someone who was psychologically damaged was a big boost for my self-esteem - I was *together* - I was *virtuous* - I was *rescuing someone who needed help!* In my defense, I didn't realize that these were a big part of my motives in the relationship until I participated in a therapy group, at which point it all fell together quite quickly, and I was able to end the relationship with ease and integrity.
posted by jasper411 at 10:28 AM on July 7, 2005


Best answer: I once broke up with a guy who told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he was depressed and wanted to kill himself because I broke up with him. I, of course, felt awful and tried to be "friends" with him. I talked to him all the time, consoled him all the time, etc. This went on for FOUR YEARS. He didn't kill himself, but I'm sure that had nothing to do with me. He never listened to anything I said to comfort him anyway, since he felt it was all my fault. I ended up dodging pleas to get back together and feeling horrible about myself for 4 years before I finally cut all ties. This all happened several years ago. About 3 years ago, I got an email from him saying he was sorry for all he put me through, and letting me know that he was doing ok.

Moral of the story? You can't save her. If she really is as bad off as you say she is, unless you're a professional you can't help her. The longer you drag out your connection with her, the longer you will drag out her pain. Cut all ties as best you can, and like headspace said, give her sister a heads up. You are not responsible for her happiness.
posted by geeky at 10:33 AM on July 7, 2005


I started to craft an answer but, what jasper411 & headspace said pretty much covers it.
posted by Pressed Rat at 10:37 AM on July 7, 2005


As geeky said, it's not only a "Run! Save yourself!" thing here. You're also making things worse for her. The only way she can realize that she's strong enough to cope on her own is... by coping on her own.

And it's natural to want to comfort the person you're breaking up with. You've been that person's comforter for so long, you're used to the role. But when you're breaking up, you're basically giving up that role, and for the break-up to work, you need to give up that role immediately. It's hard to see someone you care about so in need and not be able to help, but, as I said, the best way to help is to actively demonstrate that they can, in fact, survive without you.
posted by occhiblu at 10:55 AM on July 7, 2005 [1 favorite]


What everyone said, but just to beat on this dead horse a little longer:

I imagine a lot of people would say sever this cold turkey, but theres no such thing for someone who clings so tightly and does not appear to have the emotional coping skills to deal with rejection

Of course there is. You are not obligated to provide her with your company just because she insists on it. You make many statements that imply she's got some veto power over your telling her your relationship is over. I can't imagine you would go around saying some woman has to have a relationship with you because you insist on it, why is it any less wrong and offensive to go around saying you have to have a relationship with someone because they insist on it?

You have logistical issues here, yes, but quite frankly you come across not as looking for solutions to those problems as much as rationalizations. Eventually all naval gazing is just BS unless you -do- something as a result of all that thinking. So tell her you're done and stick with it.

Do not:
  • Go to her home
  • let her in your home
  • get involved in discussions over it
  • fuck her some more
Because part of the process of ending a relationship is actually ending. the. relationship.

If she refuses to accept the cut in contact, firmly tell her she needs to stop harassing you and if she still won't leave you alone, involve the appropriate authorities. I'm sure some people will call that harsh, but part of why she doesn't have proper coping mechanisms is she hasn't had to develop them. If she's going to sit in front of your door crying she needs to be forced to behave like a grown up, not be coddled or given what she wants as a reward for her behavior.

You don't say if it's student housing or not, but if she causes problems in campus interactions you should contact the Student Affairs office. It's pathetic, but the fact of the matter is you likely won't be the first one to come to them with a problem like this in the last month. This is part of what they do and part of what your obscenely high tuition rate pays for.
posted by phearlez at 10:58 AM on July 7, 2005


If you are concerned that she will be unable to cope, provide a list of counselors and hotline numbers. If the child is in any danger at all, notify the sister and Child Protective Services. You can be kind, simply saying, I'm so sorry, but it's absolutely over, and I need a clean break, if you run into her, or have to answer the door and it's her, and reiterate the resources available to her for help.

You cannot fix her yourself. You could offer to help pay for counseling if you have money to burn, but it goes directly to the counselor, not to her. Even people who don't think they need / want counseling are often helped by it. A counselor should be a better judge of whether she's a danger to herself or others.
posted by theora55 at 11:51 AM on July 7, 2005


Best answer: part of why she doesn't have proper coping mechanisms is she hasn't had to develop them. If she's going to sit in front of your door crying she needs to be forced to behave like a grown up, not be coddled or given what she wants as a reward for her behavior.

This is worth reiterating. If she's ever going to grow up and cope (and ideally become a healthier adult for herself and strong parent for her child), she's going to have to go through through the process of doing the hard, sometimes extremely painful work of actually growing up and learning to cope. You cannot do that for her, you cannot help her leapfrog over the process, and you do her absolutely no favors by resorting back to your role as comforter/lover.

As theora and others have mentioned, you can contact the appropriate authorities if you truly think she or her child are in danger, and you can suggest mental health resources that will allow her to get the professional support she clearly seems to need -- but if you truly want to end the relationship as cleanly (and ethically) as possible, that's all you can do now.
posted by scody at 11:55 AM on July 7, 2005


" I'm a graduate student who has been dating a classmate"

And here's a little advice for the future. In my country we have a saying: "Don't screw the crew".
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:40 PM on July 7, 2005


[sigh]

Stop sleeping with her. Stop having sex with her, and stop sleeping in the same bed as her. Pretend she's your sister.

If you can't follow the good advice of everyone above and feel that you must stay involved in her life, well, that's your decision. In that case console her, don't shun her, whatever you feel you need to do. Except sleeping with her.

Because, for crying out loud, it doesn't matter what you're saying about "breaking up" if you're still sexually involved with her.

I'm not an automatic get thee to therapy type, but yes, you all could use therapy.
posted by desuetude at 12:57 PM on July 7, 2005


This thread might also be of some help in terms of spelling out the inevitable lack of improvement keeping this person in your life will offer; at least, your description screams to me that she's NPD and/or HPD. Good luck.
posted by kimota at 2:42 PM on July 7, 2005


Response by poster: Wow, I really appreciate all the great advice. Wise words indeed. I had cut off sex before the breakup (for a week or so) and I gave the sis the heads up after. The only thing I did not do right the first time was stay away. I realize now when I went back to get the rest of my stuff, this sent a "mixed signal", because this is when she physically grabbed me. I could not bring myself to actually peel this woman off of me and I caved. Won't be that way next time. Thanks everyone.
posted by nmorgan at 2:44 PM on July 7, 2005


Go back to get the rest of your stuff when she's not there. (Yes, I've had to do this myself.)
posted by languagehat at 2:47 PM on July 7, 2005


You may very well be the best thing that ever happened to her, but the converse is clearly not true. In the long run, it's no good for her to be in a relationship where your needs aren't being met.

So do her and yourself a favor and end it. Stop seeing her.
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:29 PM on July 7, 2005


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