How to break off a friendship?
February 12, 2012 9:01 PM Subscribe
How to get some people to stop contacting me? Long explanation inside. Any help much appreciated.
About a year ago, I made friends with a dude at work. He has Aspergers and is also kind of eccentric, somewhat detached, socially inept anime-lover and too mathematical-oriented that he alienated most people, especially because of his lack of hygiene. I should have noticed how weird he acted but the job where I worked was so stressful and I think I was depressed at the time and desperate for friends that I overlooked those signs. I am 25, female btw.
So I met his girlfriend after he asked if I wanted to go on a camping trip with them. I am an outdoors person and so I thought to go for it. The trip happened 6 months after I met him, and in between that time, him and his girlfriend would spend a lot of their weekends with me, hanging out and hiking in preparation for the trip. We didn't do as much hiking as I would have liked, because they both tended to be a little lazy and would put off hiking for going out and eating (another warning sign I should have noticed) and if it's relevant, they are both obese and I figured they were doing the best that they could. So they would end up asking me to go eat out with them and then dragging me to their house to hang out afterwards. Whenever I tried to get out of things with them, they would both start whining and couldn't take "No" for an answer, which is a MAJOR red flag for me. I think I was so desperate for friends at the time (since I was in a small town and most of my friends have moved away) that I put up with it. I look back now and regret even being friends with them.
So the week-long trip came and it wasn't so great. They were both so lazy that we didn't even do what we originally planned and they didn't even get up until the afternoon. I was literally sitting around, waiting for them to wake up. It was just us 3.
The dude found a job out of state later and moved. When he got there, he kept on emailing me about his hikes and told me not to tell his girlfriend (who hadn't moved with him until a few weeks later) about them, because there was some lightning. I told him that I would tell her and he kept on pressing me not to tell her -over the course of several emails-. It was annoying me so much, why couldn't he just drop it? Sometimes it felt like he was too much into me, saying I was "amazing" and it made me uncomfortable. I have zero interest in him and even if I did, I would never want to be the other woman, ever. So he told me that if I told her about the hikes, he would "cut me off" from any more hiking stories. I thought that was stupid and a sign of the lack of social intelligence he had. And btw, I have -nothing- against people who have Aspergers. It's just this guy who bothers me, and he acts like because he has Aspergers he can do whatever he wants. I never emailed him again or responded to any more of his emails since then. And I immediately told the girlfriend what he emailed me, about him not wanting me to tell her about it, and I told her how uncomfortable it made me feel. Her response was "thanks for your email" and she completely ignored what I said about him and never brought it up to me. She has really low self esteem because of her weight problem, and sometimes I feel like she makes excuses for him because he has Aspergers and isn't "normal" and he's the only guy she's ever been with, but as I see it, I don't think that should allow anyone to overstep their boundaries with a third party, especially because he is capable of having a gf for 5 years and holding a job, so he can have the same societal expectations as anyone else. Sometimes he would touch my knee, which I didn't like, but I didn't say anything, I don't know why. Sometimes he would also say out loud that he "loves" me, around his gf and friends and in emails, perhaps he meant as friends, but that always repulsed me. It's like deep down inside I didn't even want to be his friend, and I realized that after all those other things happened too.
So she moved with him out of state, and I swear since they have moved I've been so happy. No more hogging of my time, and I didnt have to be around their almost constant negativity and complaining. I just can't stand to be around negative people. I lost weight and feel so happy about life since they've gone. It might sound harsh, but I know I shouldn't be friends with them because -I don't miss them one single bit- since they've gone.
What also really weirded me out about the guy was that one time at a lunch with them, they were both depressed (as happened quite a bit). The guy mentioned that he had a period of teenage angst and tried to kill his mom once. His gf was shocked as even she didn't know that. I was freaked out and wanted to stop being friends with him. Sure I've had hard times too, but never have I ever wanted to or tried to kill anyone. Even his girlfriend didn't know that. He parades himself as being some "zen buddhist" who is all happy now, and to be fair he has a good relationship with his mom now, and hopefully he has really changed. But I don't want to deal with anyone with that in their past. Who knows if they'll ever break, and I feel like he's a freak. He carries a bunch of food and water in his camelback at all times, even at work, in case of "emergencies", which just looked silly. And he carries a hunting knife about 5-7" long with him in his pocket in case of "emergencies" but I find that creepy. Something about him rubs me the wrong way. I was depressed at times before the trip and he would keep on telling me that I could "always crash at his place." I never took him up on that. I don't know if his Aspergers prevented him from having social intelligence, but I have met other people with Aspergers and -none- of them would push boundaries like that, especially considering he has a girlfriend of 5 years.
The problem is now, they haven't stopped contacting me. I haven't talked to them or responded to their calls or emails at all since they've left, but it seems like they can't take a hint. I was afraid to tell them that I didn't want to be their friend because the guy (who is almost 31, and his gf is 32) tried to kill his mom before. The dude last emailed me saying they both missed me and signed it, "love, (dude's name here)". I never responded, and that was the last time he contacted me. But his gf has been contacting me still, about once a month, asking me "if I'm okay". They never once asked me -why- I haven't replied. And I also get the feeling that the dude has been pressuring her to contact me, because his personality is very pushy, but then again, so is hers. I recently got an email from their good friend (the dude's best friend), whom I have seen a total of -3- times, and whom I haven't heard from in -almost a year-, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and his wife. It was literally a one-line email, and after not talking in almost a year, he didn't even ask a simple "hey, how are you?". I get the feeling that they both put him up to it. And I recently just got a text from his gf, saying she hadn't heard from me in a while and if I'm okay. But the thing is, I hadn't had texting when we used to talk, but I recently got it again, but I had already stopped talking to them at that point and NEVER told her that I got it again. It kind of creeped me out, but perhaps she just forgot that I don't have texting and sent it, without knowing I have texting again?
I feel really uncomfortable about this. I can be paranoid at times, and hope that they will leave me alone, but I ordered "The Gift of Fear" which should come soon, just in case, for extra advice. And just to sum up, I hung out with them for 6 months, and haven't spoken to them since, more than 6 months later.
What do you think I should do? I wonder if I should send them both a firm email stating that I don't want to be their friend and to stop contacting me. I feel like it is important that they hear that I don't want to be their friend. But considering how emotionally unstable they are, I'm afraid of a backlash. How can I be firm without being rude? I would probably have to explain why, because aside from that one email where I mentioned to her that her bf was making me uncomfortable, I was too afraid to come out and say to them ever that I don't want to be their friend. They're both on antidepressants and aren't the most emotionally and mentally stable people. They are also the type of people who can't take no for an answer, so I think I may have to expect some protests from them. If they do that, what should I do besides sticking to my guns? Should I even contact them? I'm sorry also if I come off a little angry in this question, I am just really upset. Any advice would be so helpful. Thank you.
About a year ago, I made friends with a dude at work. He has Aspergers and is also kind of eccentric, somewhat detached, socially inept anime-lover and too mathematical-oriented that he alienated most people, especially because of his lack of hygiene. I should have noticed how weird he acted but the job where I worked was so stressful and I think I was depressed at the time and desperate for friends that I overlooked those signs. I am 25, female btw.
So I met his girlfriend after he asked if I wanted to go on a camping trip with them. I am an outdoors person and so I thought to go for it. The trip happened 6 months after I met him, and in between that time, him and his girlfriend would spend a lot of their weekends with me, hanging out and hiking in preparation for the trip. We didn't do as much hiking as I would have liked, because they both tended to be a little lazy and would put off hiking for going out and eating (another warning sign I should have noticed) and if it's relevant, they are both obese and I figured they were doing the best that they could. So they would end up asking me to go eat out with them and then dragging me to their house to hang out afterwards. Whenever I tried to get out of things with them, they would both start whining and couldn't take "No" for an answer, which is a MAJOR red flag for me. I think I was so desperate for friends at the time (since I was in a small town and most of my friends have moved away) that I put up with it. I look back now and regret even being friends with them.
So the week-long trip came and it wasn't so great. They were both so lazy that we didn't even do what we originally planned and they didn't even get up until the afternoon. I was literally sitting around, waiting for them to wake up. It was just us 3.
The dude found a job out of state later and moved. When he got there, he kept on emailing me about his hikes and told me not to tell his girlfriend (who hadn't moved with him until a few weeks later) about them, because there was some lightning. I told him that I would tell her and he kept on pressing me not to tell her -over the course of several emails-. It was annoying me so much, why couldn't he just drop it? Sometimes it felt like he was too much into me, saying I was "amazing" and it made me uncomfortable. I have zero interest in him and even if I did, I would never want to be the other woman, ever. So he told me that if I told her about the hikes, he would "cut me off" from any more hiking stories. I thought that was stupid and a sign of the lack of social intelligence he had. And btw, I have -nothing- against people who have Aspergers. It's just this guy who bothers me, and he acts like because he has Aspergers he can do whatever he wants. I never emailed him again or responded to any more of his emails since then. And I immediately told the girlfriend what he emailed me, about him not wanting me to tell her about it, and I told her how uncomfortable it made me feel. Her response was "thanks for your email" and she completely ignored what I said about him and never brought it up to me. She has really low self esteem because of her weight problem, and sometimes I feel like she makes excuses for him because he has Aspergers and isn't "normal" and he's the only guy she's ever been with, but as I see it, I don't think that should allow anyone to overstep their boundaries with a third party, especially because he is capable of having a gf for 5 years and holding a job, so he can have the same societal expectations as anyone else. Sometimes he would touch my knee, which I didn't like, but I didn't say anything, I don't know why. Sometimes he would also say out loud that he "loves" me, around his gf and friends and in emails, perhaps he meant as friends, but that always repulsed me. It's like deep down inside I didn't even want to be his friend, and I realized that after all those other things happened too.
So she moved with him out of state, and I swear since they have moved I've been so happy. No more hogging of my time, and I didnt have to be around their almost constant negativity and complaining. I just can't stand to be around negative people. I lost weight and feel so happy about life since they've gone. It might sound harsh, but I know I shouldn't be friends with them because -I don't miss them one single bit- since they've gone.
What also really weirded me out about the guy was that one time at a lunch with them, they were both depressed (as happened quite a bit). The guy mentioned that he had a period of teenage angst and tried to kill his mom once. His gf was shocked as even she didn't know that. I was freaked out and wanted to stop being friends with him. Sure I've had hard times too, but never have I ever wanted to or tried to kill anyone. Even his girlfriend didn't know that. He parades himself as being some "zen buddhist" who is all happy now, and to be fair he has a good relationship with his mom now, and hopefully he has really changed. But I don't want to deal with anyone with that in their past. Who knows if they'll ever break, and I feel like he's a freak. He carries a bunch of food and water in his camelback at all times, even at work, in case of "emergencies", which just looked silly. And he carries a hunting knife about 5-7" long with him in his pocket in case of "emergencies" but I find that creepy. Something about him rubs me the wrong way. I was depressed at times before the trip and he would keep on telling me that I could "always crash at his place." I never took him up on that. I don't know if his Aspergers prevented him from having social intelligence, but I have met other people with Aspergers and -none- of them would push boundaries like that, especially considering he has a girlfriend of 5 years.
The problem is now, they haven't stopped contacting me. I haven't talked to them or responded to their calls or emails at all since they've left, but it seems like they can't take a hint. I was afraid to tell them that I didn't want to be their friend because the guy (who is almost 31, and his gf is 32) tried to kill his mom before. The dude last emailed me saying they both missed me and signed it, "love, (dude's name here)". I never responded, and that was the last time he contacted me. But his gf has been contacting me still, about once a month, asking me "if I'm okay". They never once asked me -why- I haven't replied. And I also get the feeling that the dude has been pressuring her to contact me, because his personality is very pushy, but then again, so is hers. I recently got an email from their good friend (the dude's best friend), whom I have seen a total of -3- times, and whom I haven't heard from in -almost a year-, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and his wife. It was literally a one-line email, and after not talking in almost a year, he didn't even ask a simple "hey, how are you?". I get the feeling that they both put him up to it. And I recently just got a text from his gf, saying she hadn't heard from me in a while and if I'm okay. But the thing is, I hadn't had texting when we used to talk, but I recently got it again, but I had already stopped talking to them at that point and NEVER told her that I got it again. It kind of creeped me out, but perhaps she just forgot that I don't have texting and sent it, without knowing I have texting again?
I feel really uncomfortable about this. I can be paranoid at times, and hope that they will leave me alone, but I ordered "The Gift of Fear" which should come soon, just in case, for extra advice. And just to sum up, I hung out with them for 6 months, and haven't spoken to them since, more than 6 months later.
What do you think I should do? I wonder if I should send them both a firm email stating that I don't want to be their friend and to stop contacting me. I feel like it is important that they hear that I don't want to be their friend. But considering how emotionally unstable they are, I'm afraid of a backlash. How can I be firm without being rude? I would probably have to explain why, because aside from that one email where I mentioned to her that her bf was making me uncomfortable, I was too afraid to come out and say to them ever that I don't want to be their friend. They're both on antidepressants and aren't the most emotionally and mentally stable people. They are also the type of people who can't take no for an answer, so I think I may have to expect some protests from them. If they do that, what should I do besides sticking to my guns? Should I even contact them? I'm sorry also if I come off a little angry in this question, I am just really upset. Any advice would be so helpful. Thank you.
NO CONTACT. WITH ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THEM.
You are doing just GREAT!!
Can you continue to ignore? Because I SWEAR this will drop off if you do. I SWEAR.
I have a stalker I've talked about here on MetaFilter.
Eventually you will move homes. They will no longer know where you live.
There is also some cell phone voicemail magic you can perform, although it sounds like they only have the balls to text you. I suspect that won't change.
Just IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.
You're fine. Don't explain. Let it go. Eventually, they will, too.
posted by jbenben at 9:15 PM on February 12, 2012 [14 favorites]
You are doing just GREAT!!
Can you continue to ignore? Because I SWEAR this will drop off if you do. I SWEAR.
I have a stalker I've talked about here on MetaFilter.
Eventually you will move homes. They will no longer know where you live.
There is also some cell phone voicemail magic you can perform, although it sounds like they only have the balls to text you. I suspect that won't change.
Just IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.
You're fine. Don't explain. Let it go. Eventually, they will, too.
posted by jbenben at 9:15 PM on February 12, 2012 [14 favorites]
I understand your desire to be complete, but this is an overwhelming amount of trivial information. They don't sound any more 'emotionally unstable' than any other people that live perfectly normal lives. You haven't contacted them in six months and they haven't shown any signs of forcefully barging back into your life or escalating things. Just block their email addresses and phone numbers and try to forget about them.
posted by emyd at 9:18 PM on February 12, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by emyd at 9:18 PM on February 12, 2012 [8 favorites]
You are really, really overthinking this, and you are overdramatizing this situation with an overwhelming level of irrelevant detail that makes it seem like you enjoy being involved in drama. For example, it's totally weird to me that he specifically asked you not to tell his girlfriend something and then you turned around and tell her anyway. Why do that unless you are trying to stir up drama?
Just stop reading their email. Delete it unread. Don't email them at all, because that will provoke a response and more drama, especially if you plan to air your greivances Festivus-style. They'll find someone else to be friends with. You say that they won't take no for an answer; they won't take no for an answer because you allow them to do that.
posted by MegoSteve at 9:28 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
Just stop reading their email. Delete it unread. Don't email them at all, because that will provoke a response and more drama, especially if you plan to air your greivances Festivus-style. They'll find someone else to be friends with. You say that they won't take no for an answer; they won't take no for an answer because you allow them to do that.
posted by MegoSteve at 9:28 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
Just keep ignoring them - the contact will peter out eventually. They don't need friends like you if you're repulsed by them and think they are freaks. Cut ties, and everyone will move on with their lives.
posted by illenion at 9:30 PM on February 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by illenion at 9:30 PM on February 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
Echoing others that it seems you might be blowing this out of proportion. It sounds like you just dropped contact and expected them to take the hint. Some people will do so; others (who are not necessarily lacking in 'emotional intelligence') will continue to try to reach out because they aren't picking up on your subtlety.
You have 2 choices. You either make final contact stating clearly that you no longer want to be friends (which has the potential to invite further drama) or you simply block their email addresses & phone numbers. In either event, stop spending so much thought on people you don't want in your life.
posted by asciident at 9:34 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]
You have 2 choices. You either make final contact stating clearly that you no longer want to be friends (which has the potential to invite further drama) or you simply block their email addresses & phone numbers. In either event, stop spending so much thought on people you don't want in your life.
posted by asciident at 9:34 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]
I haven't had any stalkers, but I did have a really big falling out with someone last year. I don't think anyone has said this yet, but in gmail, you can auto delete messages from certain senders. I would do this, and change their contacts saved in your cell to "DO NOT CONTACT."
posted by oceanjesse at 9:35 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 9:35 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
As per oceanjesse.... In my cell phone contacts, that is "Zreject." I have a few of those. I don't know who is who when they reach out, but seeing "Zreject" puts them at the bottom of my contacts list and ensures I ignore whatever it is about.
posted by jbenben at 9:40 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 9:40 PM on February 12, 2012 [3 favorites]
So... you made friends with a couple you didn't much like and didn't want to be friends with? And you continued it because you were unable to draw boundaries, but they moved away and you are happy about that? And they occasionally email you and ask if you are okay, because you stopped responding to them?
Either keep ignoring them, get a technological fix so you don't know they're contacting you, or write them an email saying "please don't contact me anymore." I don't know if you have other issues going on that don't involve them, but you're making a mountain out of a mole hill (FWIW I would send anyone a text because virtually everyone has that technological capability on their phone).
It's fine not to be friends with people. Really. Especially people you don't like. Although in the future it would be better not to act like you're friends.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:42 PM on February 12, 2012 [9 favorites]
Either keep ignoring them, get a technological fix so you don't know they're contacting you, or write them an email saying "please don't contact me anymore." I don't know if you have other issues going on that don't involve them, but you're making a mountain out of a mole hill (FWIW I would send anyone a text because virtually everyone has that technological capability on their phone).
It's fine not to be friends with people. Really. Especially people you don't like. Although in the future it would be better not to act like you're friends.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:42 PM on February 12, 2012 [9 favorites]
All of the details you have given here are pretty much irrelevant - the important thing to remember is that your time is your own, and it is precious. You have no obligation to spend it with people that you don't want to be around. You have stopped replying to them, take it a step further and make sure that you don't even get their messages at all - block their calls, filter their e-mails. As a fairly paranoid/worried person myself, I can totally understand your concern that they may retaliate, but if they are too lazy to get out of the tent and hike when they are on a hiking trip, they are too lazy to get off their asses to intrefere with your life.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:45 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:45 PM on February 12, 2012 [6 favorites]
You have two choices. One, which pretty much everyone above suggests is to just ignore them hoping they go away. Two, is to write the email you thought about saying essentially fuck off and die and leave me alone. If you ignore them, your paranoia will be working overtime wondering. If you send the email, it may not yield success in getting them to leave you alone, but you will pretty much know where things stand by their reaction to the email. Good luck either way.
posted by AugustWest at 10:56 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 10:56 PM on February 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
You just keep ignoring them and try not to think very much about them anymore. That's pretty much it. You really don't have to do anything beyond that.
posted by mleigh at 12:19 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by mleigh at 12:19 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm a little more worried than most people seem to be, but I agree that for your own mental health you do need to stop obsessing about this. I don't think you're wrong to be a little paranoid, though.
My take on this was less "friendly but clueless couple" and more "co-worker who had a crush on you even though he was in a relationship" which essentially means the regular stalker protocols all apply. I saw the "don't tell my girlfriend" thing as an awkward attempt at flirtation, a solicitation of intimacy behind her back as prep for more of the same, and think in that scenario, you stating yes, you would tell girlfriend makes more sense. I agree that his carrying around a knife is worrisome, and who knows whether or not he actually tried to kill his mother, but the fact that he SAID so is disturbing. It means he either thinks you are okay with that, or knows you aren't and enjoys shocking you, neither of which is good.
Here's what I would do: It's very important that you keep ignoring them, because caving in after so many attempts at contacting you is called "intermittent reinforcement" and teaches them that it takes that many tries to get through to you, which will probably escalate the behavior. My sense is that continuing to ignore them and making sure you are taking regular saftety precautions is the best plan of action. If you do contact them, absolutely do not make it dramatic or give them any fuel at all to argue with you about. I wouldn't even say "do not contact me, I don't want to be friends" but I might say something like "I'm fine, just very busy." And keep it very short, and then see if they taper off communication. The "are you okay?" thing is a classic abuser technique for excusing stalking behavior. Then they can say they were "only worried" and look like the good guy after they show up at your door. Not saying they are for sure doing this consciously- but many do. If you do contact them- which I want to repeat, I don't think is the best plan right now- their response should tell you everything you need to know. They may scale back, or escalate, and then you can see if they were really concerned or not.
In the future, I wouldn't attribute so much to Aspbergers- or the umbrella term "cluelessness" - because if something is making you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if the person doing so does not understand that you're uncomfortable, or what their intentions are, good or bad. What matters is that you are uncomfortable and you are allowed to get out of any situation that gives you a funny feeling. You aren't required to be a friend out of charity. Many people will say things like, "Oh, he's clueless, he means well," (especially about men, for some reason) but I have come to learn that even if it is true, it's still bullshit. Clueless people whose actions are indistinguishable from evil people will have to suffer the consequences of that. Again, clueless people whose actions are indistinguishable from evil people just have to suffer the consequences of that, including ostracism. Learn it, live it, it's one of the most important things I have ever come to realize in life. It's not your burden, it's theirs.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:34 AM on February 13, 2012 [10 favorites]
My take on this was less "friendly but clueless couple" and more "co-worker who had a crush on you even though he was in a relationship" which essentially means the regular stalker protocols all apply. I saw the "don't tell my girlfriend" thing as an awkward attempt at flirtation, a solicitation of intimacy behind her back as prep for more of the same, and think in that scenario, you stating yes, you would tell girlfriend makes more sense. I agree that his carrying around a knife is worrisome, and who knows whether or not he actually tried to kill his mother, but the fact that he SAID so is disturbing. It means he either thinks you are okay with that, or knows you aren't and enjoys shocking you, neither of which is good.
Here's what I would do: It's very important that you keep ignoring them, because caving in after so many attempts at contacting you is called "intermittent reinforcement" and teaches them that it takes that many tries to get through to you, which will probably escalate the behavior. My sense is that continuing to ignore them and making sure you are taking regular saftety precautions is the best plan of action. If you do contact them, absolutely do not make it dramatic or give them any fuel at all to argue with you about. I wouldn't even say "do not contact me, I don't want to be friends" but I might say something like "I'm fine, just very busy." And keep it very short, and then see if they taper off communication. The "are you okay?" thing is a classic abuser technique for excusing stalking behavior. Then they can say they were "only worried" and look like the good guy after they show up at your door. Not saying they are for sure doing this consciously- but many do. If you do contact them- which I want to repeat, I don't think is the best plan right now- their response should tell you everything you need to know. They may scale back, or escalate, and then you can see if they were really concerned or not.
In the future, I wouldn't attribute so much to Aspbergers- or the umbrella term "cluelessness" - because if something is making you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if the person doing so does not understand that you're uncomfortable, or what their intentions are, good or bad. What matters is that you are uncomfortable and you are allowed to get out of any situation that gives you a funny feeling. You aren't required to be a friend out of charity. Many people will say things like, "Oh, he's clueless, he means well," (especially about men, for some reason) but I have come to learn that even if it is true, it's still bullshit. Clueless people whose actions are indistinguishable from evil people will have to suffer the consequences of that. Again, clueless people whose actions are indistinguishable from evil people just have to suffer the consequences of that, including ostracism. Learn it, live it, it's one of the most important things I have ever come to realize in life. It's not your burden, it's theirs.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:34 AM on February 13, 2012 [10 favorites]
They keep contacting you because they don't know that you don't want to be their friend.
I think that if you sent them a friend-dumping message it would do more harm than good, as writing such a message well requires a high level of diplomacy. Additionally, if you are ever in a situation where you think someone will react in a dangerous way to such a message then you should not send it.
Ignore them permanently and they will eventually stop contacting you. The end.
posted by tel3path at 12:38 AM on February 13, 2012
I think that if you sent them a friend-dumping message it would do more harm than good, as writing such a message well requires a high level of diplomacy. Additionally, if you are ever in a situation where you think someone will react in a dangerous way to such a message then you should not send it.
Ignore them permanently and they will eventually stop contacting you. The end.
posted by tel3path at 12:38 AM on February 13, 2012
"In the future, I wouldn't attribute so much to Aspbergers- or the umbrella term "cluelessness" - because if something is making you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if the person doing so does not understand that you're uncomfortable, or what their intentions are, good or bad."
In the case of Asperger's it does matter, somewhat. They may just literally not know they're doing something obnoxious and may just stop if you ask them to. I have found that this is not generally the case with non-Aspergers. Of course, they may not stop, or may change their behaviour to something that's only slightly different because they don't understand that it isn't completely different: (i.e. "stop writing on the wall", so they start writing on the floor instead).
It is true that you're not obligated to like them, of course. You can end a friendship at any time and for any reason, you don't have to justify it in a court of law. They won't benefit from having a friend who doesn't like them.
posted by tel3path at 12:43 AM on February 13, 2012
In the case of Asperger's it does matter, somewhat. They may just literally not know they're doing something obnoxious and may just stop if you ask them to. I have found that this is not generally the case with non-Aspergers. Of course, they may not stop, or may change their behaviour to something that's only slightly different because they don't understand that it isn't completely different: (i.e. "stop writing on the wall", so they start writing on the floor instead).
It is true that you're not obligated to like them, of course. You can end a friendship at any time and for any reason, you don't have to justify it in a court of law. They won't benefit from having a friend who doesn't like them.
posted by tel3path at 12:43 AM on February 13, 2012
In the case of Asperger's it does matter, somewhat. They may just literally not know they're doing something obnoxious and may just stop if you ask them to. I have found that this is not generally the case with non-Aspergers. Of course, they may not stop, or may change their behaviour to something that's only slightly different because they don't understand that it isn't completely different: (i.e. "stop writing on the wall", so they start writing on the floor instead).
It doesn't sound like that's what's been going on in this case though- and OP finds him atypical for a case of Aspergers anyway. My point still stands- and I know people probably find it harsh, because we've all been clueless at one time or another and we all want people to give us the benfit of the doubt- but there are plenty of big, tough dudes who can befriend clueless people, or plenty of safe situations where these people can get friendship- it doesn't have to come from everyone. Especially a young, attractive single woman who lives alone and tends to be paranoid. You know? And yet, those are exactly the ones who tend to feel guitly and self-sacrificing, IME.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:53 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound like that's what's been going on in this case though- and OP finds him atypical for a case of Aspergers anyway. My point still stands- and I know people probably find it harsh, because we've all been clueless at one time or another and we all want people to give us the benfit of the doubt- but there are plenty of big, tough dudes who can befriend clueless people, or plenty of safe situations where these people can get friendship- it doesn't have to come from everyone. Especially a young, attractive single woman who lives alone and tends to be paranoid. You know? And yet, those are exactly the ones who tend to feel guitly and self-sacrificing, IME.
posted by stockpuppet at 12:53 AM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I said it can make a difference what's causing the bad behaviour, I didn't say that she was therefore obligated to remain friends with them.
posted by tel3path at 1:49 AM on February 13, 2012
posted by tel3path at 1:49 AM on February 13, 2012
I think you should tell them nicely that you don't want to be friends anymore. Something in reply to the gf along the lines of "Thanks for your concern, I'm fine. I'm really busy and can't sustain our friendship"
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 5:09 AM on February 13, 2012
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 5:09 AM on February 13, 2012
You've gotten a lot of good advice in here. It's fine not to be friends with everyone, and there are ways to say "no" to people nicely (also called "boundaries").
In the future, when you go out to eat with people who then "drag" you to their house afterwards, if you're not getting a ride (and thus physically dragged), it's totally fine to smile, and say "Not tonight, thanks." Smiling and saying "No, thanks" are a great way to get out of any request.
Just because someone asks you to an event/etc doesn't mean you have to say yes.
If you don't feel like you can say "no" right away - although it's the best time to do so if you can - tell them, "I'll think about it and get back to you." You can also contact someone about events you have planned to back out of them.
It sounds like you really want to make people happy, and you go along even though you don't want to. Reading your experiences gives this impression that all this stuff just happened to you - you have much more agency in your life than you give yourself credit for.
posted by bookdragoness at 5:23 AM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
In the future, when you go out to eat with people who then "drag" you to their house afterwards, if you're not getting a ride (and thus physically dragged), it's totally fine to smile, and say "Not tonight, thanks." Smiling and saying "No, thanks" are a great way to get out of any request.
Just because someone asks you to an event/etc doesn't mean you have to say yes.
If you don't feel like you can say "no" right away - although it's the best time to do so if you can - tell them, "I'll think about it and get back to you." You can also contact someone about events you have planned to back out of them.
It sounds like you really want to make people happy, and you go along even though you don't want to. Reading your experiences gives this impression that all this stuff just happened to you - you have much more agency in your life than you give yourself credit for.
posted by bookdragoness at 5:23 AM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
I wonder if I should send them both a firm email stating that I don't want to be their friend and to stop contacting me. I feel like it is important that they hear that I don't want to be their friend.
Having been on both ends of this... nothing good comes of it. I thought I'd like to know why people didn't want to be friends with me, but actually, when I have known - I've just felt awful about it for YEARS. I do not advise this.
They're still calling - which is annoying - but you can only do what you've been doing. Keep on not answering.
posted by sonika at 7:55 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Having been on both ends of this... nothing good comes of it. I thought I'd like to know why people didn't want to be friends with me, but actually, when I have known - I've just felt awful about it for YEARS. I do not advise this.
They're still calling - which is annoying - but you can only do what you've been doing. Keep on not answering.
posted by sonika at 7:55 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like there's just as much drama coming from you as is coming from them and the combination of your personalities is just toxic. There's no reason to bring up Asperger's and anti-depressants. You don't like them, you sound like you never liked them -- just stop talking to them, it's really not hard. They'll get the picture eventually.
posted by empath at 8:26 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by empath at 8:26 AM on February 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
This isn't a "friendship". It's some people you dislike who won't leave you alone. Keep on not-responding. The compulsive mind, deprived of stimulus, eventually gets bored and moves on to something else.
Key word: eventually.
posted by ead at 9:23 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Key word: eventually.
posted by ead at 9:23 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
I feel like it is important that they hear that I don't want to be their friend.
To what end? What is more important - that they come to understand how they are bad people, or for you to achieve your expressed aim of breaking off contact. Step up your "ignore" - blocking emails and phones is trivially easy these days. You can ALREADY have no further contact from them if you put just a wee bit of effort into the technical solutions available to you.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:23 AM on February 13, 2012
To what end? What is more important - that they come to understand how they are bad people, or for you to achieve your expressed aim of breaking off contact. Step up your "ignore" - blocking emails and phones is trivially easy these days. You can ALREADY have no further contact from them if you put just a wee bit of effort into the technical solutions available to you.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:23 AM on February 13, 2012
Stockpuppet is completely right on this, as someone who has been stalked.
Also, I'd like to add that the details are not irrelevant or trivial. This guy /physically touched you/. This is not okay. His behavior is not okay. You are within your rights to not contact them.
Also, I'd block their numbers and emails.
posted by corb at 9:36 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, I'd like to add that the details are not irrelevant or trivial. This guy /physically touched you/. This is not okay. His behavior is not okay. You are within your rights to not contact them.
Also, I'd block their numbers and emails.
posted by corb at 9:36 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
So what Gavin de Becker says is so true (I paraphrase a bit here): if someone calls you 100 times and you answer on the 101st, what you have taught them is that it takes 101 calls to get you to answer.
Never answer them. Block their phone numbers, send their emails directly to your spam folder, just no contact.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:13 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Never answer them. Block their phone numbers, send their emails directly to your spam folder, just no contact.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:13 AM on February 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Echoing the last few answerers — it's super easy to block phone calls, texts, and emails these days. Do that and do your best to never think about this again. If at that point they continue to try to find ways to contact you, it might be time to explore other options.
posted by joshrholloway at 2:18 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by joshrholloway at 2:18 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
"I want to say thanks for the responses, it has helped me much. I am a creative individual who hopes to be published, and I am a little paranoid at the thought of putting my name on a website in case they google me and find it, and it says something like "anonymous lives and works in XYZ." Do you think that is something I should go ahead with, using my real name, or should I just make up a name/ username? Thanks again very much."posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:17 PM on February 13, 2012
just keep ignoring...eventually it will stop...set up filters to route the emails away from the inbox...download a $0.99 app to block calls & messages from specific numbers if you have a smartphone...meet some new people who don't stress you out!
if you are worried about using your real name, you could use first and last initial. or initials of first and middle and the last name. or just a pseudonymous description with some details for personality but no name: ex. "The author is a tamale-loving Brooklynite with two cats. She has a garden and never wakes up early on Saturday mornings."
posted by zdravo at 8:22 AM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
if you are worried about using your real name, you could use first and last initial. or initials of first and middle and the last name. or just a pseudonymous description with some details for personality but no name: ex. "The author is a tamale-loving Brooklynite with two cats. She has a garden and never wakes up early on Saturday mornings."
posted by zdravo at 8:22 AM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
if you really don't want to hear from them again, just block their emails and their number.
posted by violetk at 9:13 PM on February 12, 2012 [17 favorites]