Friendship and Politics
February 11, 2012 1:41 PM Subscribe
Did I lose this friendship unnecessarily?
I've had a dear friend for about three years, a former neighbor I never see but with whom I've had a very pleasant email exchange almost daily. Through many medical trials she's always been in my corner and given excellent advice, as she says I've done for her. We share strong spiritual and animal rights values but couldn't be farther apart politically. This part of our lives has been unfathomable to the other and we long ago agreed not to go there.
Last week she went there by forwarding one of those emails that takes a strong partisan stand, centered around a veiw that the majority of Americans (according to polls) agree is erroneous. This came out of the blue except that two days prior I'd shared news of an economic setback for our family. My friend was unusually quiet until this forward, which from the title I thought would be more of the adorable animal pics we occasionally shared. The email could (she would disagree) reflect her political "side's" view of the source of such hardships. Coming as it did after a period of atypical silence and after my news made me wonder if the message might be an unconscious response to my news and I shared my feeling. My friend responded defensively which is also unusual. In my many years of living I’ve found that this response sometimes confirms the suggestion. I haven’t said this, don’t know if I would, but my friend is no longer emailing. If my intuition is correct I feel it’s probably best that we part. I can’t really know if I’m mistaken.
I’m sorry parts of this are so vague. It’s intentional because I don’t want this to become a political referendum. A very wise friend told me that many of us chose political sides according to how we want to appear to those we respect. The ideology flows from this. If this or something like it is true then our political affiliation is akin to our taste, and there’s no accounting for either.
I've had a dear friend for about three years, a former neighbor I never see but with whom I've had a very pleasant email exchange almost daily. Through many medical trials she's always been in my corner and given excellent advice, as she says I've done for her. We share strong spiritual and animal rights values but couldn't be farther apart politically. This part of our lives has been unfathomable to the other and we long ago agreed not to go there.
Last week she went there by forwarding one of those emails that takes a strong partisan stand, centered around a veiw that the majority of Americans (according to polls) agree is erroneous. This came out of the blue except that two days prior I'd shared news of an economic setback for our family. My friend was unusually quiet until this forward, which from the title I thought would be more of the adorable animal pics we occasionally shared. The email could (she would disagree) reflect her political "side's" view of the source of such hardships. Coming as it did after a period of atypical silence and after my news made me wonder if the message might be an unconscious response to my news and I shared my feeling. My friend responded defensively which is also unusual. In my many years of living I’ve found that this response sometimes confirms the suggestion. I haven’t said this, don’t know if I would, but my friend is no longer emailing. If my intuition is correct I feel it’s probably best that we part. I can’t really know if I’m mistaken.
I’m sorry parts of this are so vague. It’s intentional because I don’t want this to become a political referendum. A very wise friend told me that many of us chose political sides according to how we want to appear to those we respect. The ideology flows from this. If this or something like it is true then our political affiliation is akin to our taste, and there’s no accounting for either.
I have friends with whom I simply never, ever discuss politics, because I know we disagree and probably always will (or at least, there is nothing I can do to change their minds). If I were you, and I valued this person's friendship, I would contact her and say something like "I'm sorry I let my emotions get the better of me there. I really prefer not to get into politics with people, especially people I like!" And then forward her a dumb photo of a cat and never bring this up again.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:46 PM on February 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:46 PM on February 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: It's only been a week. Feelings were bruised on both sides. Give it some more time and hopefully you guys can speak again to clear the air and firmly reiterate the "no politics" stance. Stay honest, open-minded and empathetic.
Seriously, it seems like way too valuable a friendship to discard over this episode, even though it involves sensitive subjects. Even great friends disagree and take breaks occasionally without long term damage. You guys will be okay.
posted by sundaydriver at 1:49 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Seriously, it seems like way too valuable a friendship to discard over this episode, even though it involves sensitive subjects. Even great friends disagree and take breaks occasionally without long term damage. You guys will be okay.
posted by sundaydriver at 1:49 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't discuss politics, especially with friends or family. Most of my family is on a very narrow minded path when it comes to certain political issues. I was bombarded by so many racist anti-obama messages from my aunt that I finally just filtered all of her emails directly to the trash bin and asked my cousin (who also endures the barrage of tea party propoganda) to let me know if I miss anything important.
Sometimes you just have to agree to ignore each other's differences and focus on what you enjoy about being friends.
Wait a bit, then send an email and explain that you may have been a bit sensitive about that email... Its entirely possible that her silence is because she got busy, or didn't know what to say, or sent the forward by accident and was upset by your response and now thinks that you're the one giving her the silent treatment...
To me it looks like a huge miscommunication, one that might be easily resolved if you have a calm conversation about how to handle such situations in the future. If you're already both aware of the difference in political opinions it might be as simple as agreeing to continue avoiding the subject in future conversations.
posted by myShanon at 1:59 PM on February 11, 2012
Sometimes you just have to agree to ignore each other's differences and focus on what you enjoy about being friends.
Wait a bit, then send an email and explain that you may have been a bit sensitive about that email... Its entirely possible that her silence is because she got busy, or didn't know what to say, or sent the forward by accident and was upset by your response and now thinks that you're the one giving her the silent treatment...
To me it looks like a huge miscommunication, one that might be easily resolved if you have a calm conversation about how to handle such situations in the future. If you're already both aware of the difference in political opinions it might be as simple as agreeing to continue avoiding the subject in future conversations.
posted by myShanon at 1:59 PM on February 11, 2012
(as a note, my political stance is more apathetic than anything else... and when I say "racist" I mean literally "Its a *white* house" etc type messages that focus on race as the primary reason they feel that he should be removed from office.)
posted by myShanon at 2:01 PM on February 11, 2012
posted by myShanon at 2:01 PM on February 11, 2012
Why not pick up the phone and call her? You'll be able to tell everything from her voice and you'll be able to sort it out very quickly, if that's what you want.
posted by taff at 2:09 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by taff at 2:09 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
You agreed to not discuss politics, but she slipped. She probably slipped because she cared about you and thought it might, incorrectly, help you. She put two important things on her life together. It happens. People aren't perfect and this sounds so trivial. Call her.
posted by Vaike at 2:30 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 2:30 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
two days prior I'd shared news of an economic setback for our family. My friend was unusually quiet until this forward, which from the title I thought would be more of the adorable animal pics we occasionally shared. The email could (she would disagree) reflect her political "side's" view of the source of such hardships.
I would say she felt, in her heart of hearts, that she and her family should-- in the sense of moral obligation-- try to help you out financially, but also that she didn't want to or couldn't.
Therefore, she had to blame you for your own difficulties-- this blaming is the subtext of the fact the email "could (she would disagree) reflect her political "side's" view of the source of such hardships."-- and then back away from the relationship in order to preserve her image of herself as a good person.
It's an unfortunate fact of human nature that lots of people of all political persuasions would react as she did.
If you, in your heart of hearts, know that you were not, in fact, even in part making a plea for help from her, you might be able to restart things by bringing all this out in the open and reassuring her you weren't asking for money, and that you value her friendship for what it is with no expectation of getting anything beyond friendship out of it.
posted by jamjam at 2:32 PM on February 11, 2012
I would say she felt, in her heart of hearts, that she and her family should-- in the sense of moral obligation-- try to help you out financially, but also that she didn't want to or couldn't.
Therefore, she had to blame you for your own difficulties-- this blaming is the subtext of the fact the email "could (she would disagree) reflect her political "side's" view of the source of such hardships."-- and then back away from the relationship in order to preserve her image of herself as a good person.
It's an unfortunate fact of human nature that lots of people of all political persuasions would react as she did.
If you, in your heart of hearts, know that you were not, in fact, even in part making a plea for help from her, you might be able to restart things by bringing all this out in the open and reassuring her you weren't asking for money, and that you value her friendship for what it is with no expectation of getting anything beyond friendship out of it.
posted by jamjam at 2:32 PM on February 11, 2012
Response by poster: There's nothing in the message that could help me. It was precisely that our President shouldn't be in office because he is from Kenya.
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:34 PM on February 11, 2012
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:34 PM on February 11, 2012
Best answer: I don't think the friendship is lost at all. Give yourself some time to simmer down, then send her a cute kitten video as if nothing ever happened. If she keeps sending stuff like that, then you might want to gently remind her that you guys agreed not to talk politics long ago, but otherwise let it go.
You lose nothing by giving her a second chance and she will probably be grateful because she may feel embarrassed and that the ball is in your court.
posted by elizeh at 2:40 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
You lose nothing by giving her a second chance and she will probably be grateful because she may feel embarrassed and that the ball is in your court.
posted by elizeh at 2:40 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Great, jamjam, except that the setback was a false alarm and she knew so before the forward. I think you're on to something, at the same time.
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:50 PM on February 11, 2012
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:50 PM on February 11, 2012
Best answer: I mean I think she is deflecting her own feeling that she ought to help you out by blaming you for voting for Obama, who is in her mind the source of all your problems.
In short, 'don't look at me... you voted for him'.
posted by jamjam at 2:51 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
In short, 'don't look at me... you voted for him'.
posted by jamjam at 2:51 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Of course, right. I hadn't considered that aspect. You're very perceptive.
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:55 PM on February 11, 2012
posted by R2WeTwo at 2:55 PM on February 11, 2012
jamjam, thats the kind of thing my crazy aunt says... but then, she's also the kind of person who spends more of her time looking for external sources to blame for her problems. Crazy conspiracy nonsense that does everything but admit that if she had paid her electric bill she wouldn't be sitting in the dark looking for someone to blame. Personal Responsibility doesn't exist in her world.
If the OP's friend is "that type" maybe the friendship is ultimately no loss.
posted by myShanon at 2:56 PM on February 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
If the OP's friend is "that type" maybe the friendship is ultimately no loss.
posted by myShanon at 2:56 PM on February 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Friendships and friendly acquaintanceships don't have to end just because one person says something horribly rude and irrational. If you think this really was a "slip" rather than her purposefully trying to be cruel, I would just mend fences with a cute kitten video, and just steer clear of politics from now on. If she ever tries to bring it up again, saying "You and I disagree so profoundly that I think it would just make us both angry to talk about this. So, how is your nephew doing these days?" or whatever.
If you still value the friendship, now that you know she has this irrational and vaguely hateful belief. People get stuff wrong, though, and it doesn't make them jerks. Necessarily.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:38 PM on February 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
If you still value the friendship, now that you know she has this irrational and vaguely hateful belief. People get stuff wrong, though, and it doesn't make them jerks. Necessarily.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:38 PM on February 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
Don't try to guess what she is/was thinking. If you're going to make assumptions, let them be the as benign as possible -- e.g., that she was forwarding the email to several people and that it wasn't personal at all.
If someone I liked sent me a political diatribe expressing something that I don't agree with or don't care about, I'd tell them I like exchanging messages, but our political views are so different that I'd rather just talk about other things. I've had to do this with one friend who often turned the conversation toward political views that I found loathsome. It took a few gentle reminders for him to stop.
posted by wryly at 5:55 PM on February 11, 2012
If someone I liked sent me a political diatribe expressing something that I don't agree with or don't care about, I'd tell them I like exchanging messages, but our political views are so different that I'd rather just talk about other things. I've had to do this with one friend who often turned the conversation toward political views that I found loathsome. It took a few gentle reminders for him to stop.
posted by wryly at 5:55 PM on February 11, 2012
Best answer: I, too, lost a friend because of a political email. I had done what wryly suggested regarding a statement about political views being divergent, and let's just stick to what we have in common, but there are some people who just have to proselytize their politics. In some ways I wish I had handled it differently, but dang, some people can spout the most racist, homophobic, nationalistic, nasty crap in the name of God Bless America.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:31 PM on February 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by BlueHorse at 9:31 PM on February 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: MoonOrb, We email because I cannot speak and the word "cruel" was never mentioned nor felt. Frankly, your response feels very confrontational. I'm wondering why you feel the need to do this here.
posted by R2WeTwo at 5:58 PM on February 12, 2012
posted by R2WeTwo at 5:58 PM on February 12, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Mr. Justice at 1:43 PM on February 11, 2012 [5 favorites]