What can I do to help my alcoholic father?
February 11, 2012 10:14 AM Subscribe
My father may be about to become homeless, what can I do to keep some sort of roof over his head?
My father has been an alcoholic his entire adult life. For the last 20 years he's been "off the wagon" far more often than "on" - including basically the entirety of the last 7 years. My mother left him 5 years ago, and he moved in with his sister. Shortly after that, my siblings and I cut off contact with him, telling him he needed to maintain his sobriety if he wanted to be part of our lives.
He has done the opposite, and for the past two years, according to my aunt, he's been drinking nearly constantly. Over the decades, he has been in rehab a dozen times or more and detoxed at home - he has done both in the past two years. He's had small strokes and cardiac episodes that have landed him in the hospital (twice in the last year alone). He's stayed in several psych wards, because he's threatened to harm himself.
In short: he is incapable of staying sober and is almost certainly going to drink himself to death.
My aunt has had enough and is planning on kicking him out in two weeks. I don't know the legality of this (I think he needs to be evicted), and I think there's a pretty good chance my father will manage hang on to his room. I'm not getting involved in keeping him where he is, however.
If he is kicked out, none of us - my siblings, my mother or me - will be taking him in, and I believe he has no friends or other family that will do so, either. Please don't judge us too harshly - trust me, we have reasons.
Can you think of any options to keep a roof over his head? Hopefully I've made it clear that recovery is apparently not an option for him. Are there any other options? He is 65 years old. We are in the New York City area, if you can think of anything specific. I am willing to take on a very limited caretaker role - meaning I will help him secure some sort of housing, but I will not be a "guardian" and I will not be financially responsible for him.
I understand that I cannot make him do anything, but I would like to come up with something to offer him, something that will keep him relatively safe.
Sorry for writing so much. Thank you for any advice you can provide.
My father has been an alcoholic his entire adult life. For the last 20 years he's been "off the wagon" far more often than "on" - including basically the entirety of the last 7 years. My mother left him 5 years ago, and he moved in with his sister. Shortly after that, my siblings and I cut off contact with him, telling him he needed to maintain his sobriety if he wanted to be part of our lives.
He has done the opposite, and for the past two years, according to my aunt, he's been drinking nearly constantly. Over the decades, he has been in rehab a dozen times or more and detoxed at home - he has done both in the past two years. He's had small strokes and cardiac episodes that have landed him in the hospital (twice in the last year alone). He's stayed in several psych wards, because he's threatened to harm himself.
In short: he is incapable of staying sober and is almost certainly going to drink himself to death.
My aunt has had enough and is planning on kicking him out in two weeks. I don't know the legality of this (I think he needs to be evicted), and I think there's a pretty good chance my father will manage hang on to his room. I'm not getting involved in keeping him where he is, however.
If he is kicked out, none of us - my siblings, my mother or me - will be taking him in, and I believe he has no friends or other family that will do so, either. Please don't judge us too harshly - trust me, we have reasons.
Can you think of any options to keep a roof over his head? Hopefully I've made it clear that recovery is apparently not an option for him. Are there any other options? He is 65 years old. We are in the New York City area, if you can think of anything specific. I am willing to take on a very limited caretaker role - meaning I will help him secure some sort of housing, but I will not be a "guardian" and I will not be financially responsible for him.
I understand that I cannot make him do anything, but I would like to come up with something to offer him, something that will keep him relatively safe.
Sorry for writing so much. Thank you for any advice you can provide.
I was about to say look up treatment programs in the area and ask if they know of "no rehab required" housing for functional alcholics, but sciencegeek beat me to it. I suppose I just want to add that I understand the situation you're in, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you know that you're not alone.
posted by introp at 10:22 AM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by introp at 10:22 AM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sounds like he can get SSI, right? See here and here. The amount will be about $761/month. If you can be appointed his payee, you can pay his rent for a room somewhere directly.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:25 AM on February 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:25 AM on February 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also -- if you need more to pay for his room, you could ask each relative to give some amount, $50 or $100 a month. I don't know if that is considered enabling, but I think it is humane to keep someone in housing.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:26 AM on February 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:26 AM on February 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
This is almost exactly my alcoholic father's story, complete with the no contact and the strokes and the cardiac episodes and the added bonus of three diabetic comas. Except instead of a room at his sister's house, he was evicted from his co-op because in addition to drinking, he smoked and had started fires, was hoarding, oh and wandered the halls naked whilst drunk.
You are doing better than I am because I was unwilling to take on any role at all. I had an uncle who was willing to step in, and he manages my dad's finances. We also had a social worker who worked to find him a placement. The placement is dry, but what's interesting is that after 40 years of failed recovery, he is basically too disabled to organise himself to drink in his new environment and has stayed sober. I have no prediction as to whether that will continue to be the case.
Had this not worked out, the only other option we had was an efficiency apartment.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:42 AM on February 11, 2012
You are doing better than I am because I was unwilling to take on any role at all. I had an uncle who was willing to step in, and he manages my dad's finances. We also had a social worker who worked to find him a placement. The placement is dry, but what's interesting is that after 40 years of failed recovery, he is basically too disabled to organise himself to drink in his new environment and has stayed sober. I have no prediction as to whether that will continue to be the case.
Had this not worked out, the only other option we had was an efficiency apartment.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:42 AM on February 11, 2012
Your dad is 65, so technically elderly, which is a good thing since there are more services for the elderly than for those who are younger and childless. DarlingBri has a good idea - get a social worker to help your dad if you can. You can try the New York Department of Aging for help in finding services and a social worker.
Also since your dad is 65, if he's paid into the system, he should be eligible for Social Security Disability. If he's been jobless most of his life and doesn't have sufficient earnings, he should be eligible for Supplemental Security Income (SSI).
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:05 AM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also since your dad is 65, if he's paid into the system, he should be eligible for Social Security Disability. If he's been jobless most of his life and doesn't have sufficient earnings, he should be eligible for Supplemental Security Income (SSI).
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:05 AM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I second trying to become his SS payee - my mom's the payee for a few disabled people (she's an attorney) and it really brings a significant amount of stability to their lives at a relatively low cost to her and the relatives.
posted by SMPA at 12:12 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by SMPA at 12:12 PM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I do not know if this exists in the NYC area.
posted by sciencegeek at 10:17 AM on February 11, 2012 [1 favorite]