I'm sick and my boyfriend is sick of me.
February 8, 2012 11:16 PM   Subscribe

Multiple Issues Filter: I've been dealing with depression, anxiety and trouble sleeping for the past few years. I was on meds (effexor and klonopin) for 8 and 4 months respectively before tapering off of them rather quickly so I could have a sleep study done. Last night was my sleep study. The tech woke me up at 2am to adjust a wire, and when she entered the room I started screaming at the top of my lungs.

I don't know what happened, but she clearly scared the shit out of me. I was feeling fine before the study, even after a few weeks of really feeling shitty due to withdrawal. I had gotten past that. But after I woke up screaming I was incredibly creeped out, couldn't stop shaking, and knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. The tech told me if I wouldn't be able to sleep, I should just go home and reschedule the study (which was also to include the MSLT, or daytime nap study, the next day).

I was completely freaked out, and called my boyfriend to pick me up. We have been friends for a long time, dated once a long time ago, and got back together long distance this summer. I moved to his city after Christmas, 1000 miles from where I grew up and was living. He knew about the issues I was having but insisted that I come live with him, so I could get on his insurance and get better treatment, and so we could be together. I love him.

Since arriving here in January, I have met with a new physician twice, gotten blood work done, seen the sleep specialist once, and was given the OK by my psychiatrist at home to go off effexor and klonopin. I went on effexor at a low point in my life last year, and while it helped me from becoming too depressed to function, after some time it made the issues I already had with sleep and dreaming way worse. I have always suffered from excessive dreaming, nightmares, sleep paralysis, waking up feeling exhausted, etc. These medications ultimately made these things worse. My dreams were incredibly vivid and usually either bizarre or downright scary, I would become too anxious to sleep at night (hence the introduction of klonopin at bedtime), or I would need to sleep for 12-14 hours to feel rested. I lost my job in August in part due to these issues - I was falling asleep at work. I've been out of work since then - occasionally looking for jobs, but also seeing a lot of doctors and trying to figure out my health issues.

Even though the meds withdrawal sucked and I was sick for a few weeks, had trouble falling asleep at all, etc., things did start to get better. My doctors, my boyfriend, and his family (whom he involved in my health issues with good intentions but to a degree I am not happy with) had all been looking forward to the sleep study for a diagnosis of why I don't sleep well. My doctors were guessing it would be narcolepsy or some REM disorder. Well, since I freaked out at the sleep study and went home, there were no answers. I may go back, though now I'm sort of too traumatized to think about rescheduling for anytime soon.

The sleep study was unsuccessful at this time, but the good news is I am feeling better for the first time in a while after discontinuing the meds I was on. And a big part of that was feeling that I was supported by my boyfriend, and his parents as well. I feel like I'm strong enough now to stick to a plan - talking to my doctor, setting up therapy appointments, and joining a gym. I have also stopped all caffeine and stimulant intake (I was given an rx for ritalin to ward off daytime sleepiness).

Clearly I have anxiety, on top of which is rebound anxiety from going off meds. All my doctors agree the best way to combat that, as well as to sleep better no matter what sleep disorder I may have, is to start exercising hard regularly (which I've been bad about doing because I was so tired/achey before). But, I finally feel healthy enough to do so and am looking forward to getting to the gym ASAP (I have been athletic all my life, but the past few years I've been too tired to work out regularly).

Here's the rub though: My boyfriend dropped me off at his parents' house this morning so I wouldn't have to be alone at our apartment all day. Then he called his mom and asked her to have a chat with me and give me my options - either aggressively seek treatment or move back home. He also had her tell me that I would be sleeping at their house tonight, instead of our apartment. He screwed up at work today because he didn't sleep last night because I called him in the middle of the night to pick me up, and he needed to sleep alone tonight.

I get that he's tired and overwhelmed by my issues, but I have been doing my very best to figure them out with the resources I have. I think I was even too aggressive in going off my meds so quickly, just so I could have the sleep study done as soon as possible. I could never imagine putting someone who has trouble sleeping, who woke up screaming in a strange place the night before, out of the only bed they feel comfortable in within a thousand miles, and insisting that his parents confront me with my 'options.' I tried talking to him on the phone about it but we were both too upset to make much sense. He says he loves me and doesn't want me to go home, but that he still felt it was necessary to cast me out for the night and have his parents give me the ultimatum of 'aggressively seek treatment or go home.' He says he loves me more than anyone he's ever been with, but my issues sleeping (waking up a lot, having scary dreams, being anxious in general) are keeping him from getting a good night's sleep and also keeping him from his school work, his friends and could cost him his job (he works full time and is going for an MBA at night).

I feel terrible that my moving in with him seems to be ruining his life. I know better than anyone how much it sucks to not sleep well at night. It is not intentional, but yes, sometimes I do have a bad dream and I wake him up in the middle of the night to comfort me when he has to be up early for work. Or I encourage him to stay awake with me until I am exhausted enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. I know it is taking a toll on him and I feel awful about it. I wish he would take care of himself first and foremost, and I wish it hadn't come to "Mom, take infinityjinx for the night so I can get some sleep." I *am* trying to get help as aggressively as possible, as well as look for a job, make new friends here and spend quality time with him. But I also feel extremely betrayed that he now kicked me out for the night and has taken the problem to his parents to admonish me over (naturally they care more for their son than they do me). I wish today that he had just told me he was feeling overwhelmed and asked if I would be OK sleeping at his parents. I thought he was my one true confidante, but I found out tonight that he has shared a lot of personal stuff about me with his mom, and I'm extremely uncomfortable around everyone now. He says he is 1000% in love with and committed to me, but I feel so betrayed. He says he and his parents just want me to get better, but I don't understand how they think it's helping to confront me with 'my options,' and for him to insist I sleep outside of our apartment, the only place in a strange city I feel comfortable. (I am not going to sleep tonight.)

So, my questions: how can my boyfriend and I forgive each other? Is it possible or have we wrecked things with each other? He feels hurt that I keep him from getting a good night's sleep, that he is messing up work and school because I cause him so much worry, and I feel hurt that he ditched me at his parents house so they could have an intervention with me (I believe they have some caring feelings for me, but their son is always going to come first!), and hurt that he is blaming me for him messing up at work and school, and hurt that he pushed so hard for me to move my entire life to his city just so he could give me an ultimatum less than 2 months later that amounts to 'fix yourself fast or go home.' I know we love each other (to the point of marriage and a future together), but this feels so fucked. I actually really like it here in my new city, and am really devoted to getting better and taking better care of myself, doing whatever is necessary, and I am finally feeling like, even though the sleep study didn't work out, getting off those meds was a blessing and I can work with my doctors here to figure this out. But now that I'm finally starting to feel better, the 3 people I know here and trusted, my boyfriend and his parents, are giving me ultimatums and talking about me going home! This doesn't make me feel good or supported! It makes me feel like I'm not wanted here and I should go home. What should I do??

Also, if anyone has any insight into my sleep issues based on what I've described, I'm all ears. I'm female, 27, he is male, 34. Please hope me :( Sorry so long.
posted by infinityjinx to Health & Fitness (34 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
even though the sleep study didn't work out

It sucks that you had a scary wake-up at the sleep center. But it sounds like the sleep study is an important next step to getting an answer.

You talk about the scary wake-up experience as if it somehow means that you should not try to do a sleep study, period. But if the test is important, wouldn't it make sense to try to think of ways you can make it work? Maybe you need a white noise machine, or an agreement that techs won't come in, etc?

It sounds like your boyfriend (who you've been living with for a little over a month?) is overtired, yes, but also I wonder if there's a grain of truth in what he's saying. Is that possible? Have you found yourself frequently saying "well, I can't use that approach, and I can't use this approach..." -- rejecting possible steps forward?

(Obviously I have no idea if he's right. Maybe he's totally wrong. But it's something to be honest with yourself about.)

Also, you are overtired too, and have had a crappy couple of days, so go easy on yourself and him. Don't make any big decisions when you're still feeling such extremes. Get yourself some reasonable food and water, and try to find a relaxing spot or so some relaxing meditation exercises.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:40 PM on February 8, 2012


Response by poster: Hi, sorry to thread sit. Thank you. Yes, before I left the sleep study center, I talked to the tech about my options for coming back: perhaps spending the night at home and then coming in for the MLST. They also let people bring in a partner or parent to sleep in the same room with them for the night study, which I didn't know was an option. I don't know if my partner would want to do that, at this point, but I would like to reschedule the study. I have to discuss it with my doctor as well. But between the center's availability and me just being comfortable going back there, it will probably be a few weeks. In the meantime I want and intend to tackle this other ways immediately. There's really nothing I won't try at this point. I am sick of being a mess and I want to lead a normal life!
posted by infinityjinx at 11:55 PM on February 8, 2012


Ah, good. So, re-reading, is this the correct recap (for other answerers):

-Moved to bf's city 1 month ago; previously were long-distance for 6 months, had been friends prior.
-Lost job 6 months ago due to excessive daytime sleepiness.
-Last year had depressive episode.

-Getting sleep study to determine cause of: excessive dreaming, nightmares, sleep paralysis, waking up feeling exhausted.
-Had been on Effexor since last year, just tapered off it, fast. (It had made sleep issues worse.) Withdrawal sucked, and has happened during most of the time in new city, but is done now.
-Had been on Klonopin since ?, just tapered off it, fast. (ditto.) Withdrawal sucked, and has happened during most of the time in new city, but is done now.
-Have had recent blood work.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:59 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Correct...
posted by infinityjinx at 12:15 AM on February 9, 2012


And the recap for the relationship question is:

Background:
-You moved at his urging.
-His parents have been involved in your medical stuff in a way you don't like.

1. The night of the sleep study, you had the scary wake-up; you called him to pick you up, so he also had an unpleasant wake-up.
2. Next day he dropped you at his parents' house.
3. He screwed up at work from being too tired.
4. He decided that he needed a full night's sleep so you would remain at his parents'.
5. Also he told them to give you an ultimatum: aggressively seek treatment or go home.

And your questions are:
How bad is it that he unilaterally decided (4)?
How bad is it that he gave you an ultimatum?
How bad is it that he got his parents to deliver the ultimatum for him?
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:27 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


It is not intentional, but yes, sometimes I do have a bad dream and I wake him up in the middle of the night to comfort me when he has to be up early for work. Or I encourage him to stay awake with me until I am exhausted enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

..directly conflicts with:

I wish he would take care of himself first and foremost, and I wish it hadn't come to "Mom, take infinityjinx for the night so I can get some sleep."

He IS taking care of himself, and you are resenting him for it.

Look, I have a lot of sympathy for both of you, but being woken up multiple times a night and operating short of sleep is a form of torture. Your boyfriend needs to sleep, and you need to give him permission to do whatever he needs to do to get that done. If one of you sleeping at his parents is how that has to happen, then you need to be understanding that the circumstances you have created have pushed people to the edge of their capacity and be forgiving of how that came about.

I know you are sleep deprived. I know you are miserable. (This will cause both of you to catastrophize.) Despite the "trauma" of the sleep study, you need to commit to returning ASAP because if you don't get to the bottom of this, nobody no matter how much they love you is going to be able to sustain a relationship without sleep. The ultimatum is more than fair, as much as that sucks.

FWIW the first year of living together when we were sorting out when and where we would sleep, I almost killed my now-husband. I remember sobbing down the phone to my girlfriend that I was going to have to move out. I remember getting out of bed to sleep on the couch, picking up my pillow, and thinking about smothering him with it. I remember day dreams about running home to my mother for a good night's sleep while falling asleep at my desk, and the only reason I didn't go was because she was 3,000 miles away. Sleep deprivation is literally unsustainable and you need to prioritise his well being and that of the relationship as well as your own.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:36 AM on February 9, 2012 [17 favorites]


It sounds like you've got some good strategies for getting better. That's great! Good luck over the next couple of months continuing your hard work.

I can only begin to imagine how betrayed you feel by your boyfriend asking his parents to intervene. Ugh. What an awkward situation. With the sleep deprivation everyone's having, that makes the emotions and stress run that much higher. I definitely don't agree with his delivery, but his message is that what's going on is really difficult for him. And that's pretty fair. Chalk up the delivery method to frustration & sleep deprivation and forgive your boyfriend, because the alternatives aren't helpful. (unless this parental assistance is recurring, and then that is a much bigger problem--but I don't get the feeling of that from your question)

It can be hard when you live with someone to have different sleep patterns, but I think you should try to protect your partner's sleeping schedule as aggressively as you're trying to fix yours. FULL STOP! No keeping him up; no waking him up. As you continue your path, all other issues should work out.
posted by Kronur at 12:39 AM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sleep deprivation sucks. It turns everybody grumpy. So the thing you need to do re. the hurt you're feeling about the things your bf said is let them go; put them down to sleep deprivation and discount their importance appropriately.

I *am* trying to get help as aggressively as possible, as well as look for a job, make new friends here and spend quality time with him. But I also feel extremely betrayed that he now kicked me out for the night and has taken the problem to his parents to admonish me over

Given sufficient stress, everybody will eventually get the the point where they must put their own needs first or undergo collapse. Sounds like he's got to the point where he knows that if he doesn't get some good sleep he is going to be useless to you as well as everybody else. So the thing to do is your very best not to make these horribly sucky circumstances any more sucky by ruminating on thoughts of betrayal and abandonment.

What you need to do next is whatever it takes to get you through the next sleep study and onto a path toward recovery. And I know it's hard not to put up defensive walls when people talk to you in an attacking way, but given that your options do now appear to be seeking treatment as quickly as possible or going home, and given that you are in fact seeking treatment as quickly as possible, the you've already picked the most useful option and you need feel no compulsion to go home.

Look, this stuff is ridiculously hard to deal with when your brain has just been on a medicated scary carnival ride. There's no way you'll be feeling good about any of it at the moment. But if you concentrate on getting yourself the treatment you know you need, and give yourself and the people you care for permission to cope as well as possible but no better, and accept that all of you are going to be spending at least some of the time feeling bad about having said things under extreme emotional stress that you would not have said when completely sane, you'll all come through OK.

Just try to be as kind to yourselves and each other as you can manage. It's really all you can do.
posted by flabdablet at 12:41 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Mostly...I am feeling badly both because I have apparently been so disruptive to his life in such a short amount of time, and also because I came here thinking that boyfriend believed in me, and the latest sentiment seems to be 'get yourself together quick or GTFO.' I know he and his parents both mean well, but how do I not feel resentful about this? I just don't know in what universe it would be a good idea to take someone in a new city with anxiety and problems sleeping, make her stay the night in an unfamiliar place and let me know what my 2 'options' are for how to live my life moving forward. I feel like I'm in crazy town, and feel very alone. Also, we have an extra bed in the apartment that I often retreat to to toss and turn in so I don't keep him up. I wish he would have just said "you, tonight: guest bed. me: sleep." I get that he's a wreck without sleep (everyone is, and I've been dealing with this for years, I know how much it sucks, and I don't mean for him to be company to my misery). I don't know how he is sleeping alone in our apartment tonight, knowing I am unwillingly at his parents' house, with no choice or option to stay anywhere else. On preview, I know flabdablet is right in that my feelings are hurt and tensions are running high; I just feel like there's conflict and then there's this, and I really do feel betrayed and like I can't trust him the way I did before.
posted by infinityjinx at 12:50 AM on February 9, 2012


how do I not feel resentful about this?

By giving yourself permission to feel what you feel but resolving to defer acting on it until you've both regained something closer to an emotionally even keel.

By applying laser-like focus to the fact that at this point the rights and wrongs of what's been said matter much much less than the practical problem of how both of you are going to get enough sleep over the next few days to regain some semblance of sanity and civility.

Don't bother trying not to feel resentful. You do feel resentful. Anybody in your shoes would feel resentful. Feeling resentful is the natural human reaction to having other people put their needs ahead of yours.

Instead, focus on deflecting and dismissing internal self-talk that acts to prop up and perpetuate that uncomfortable feeling, and keep doing that until the feeling dissipates. Might take a day or two.

A good hard walk might help.
posted by flabdablet at 1:49 AM on February 9, 2012 [10 favorites]


For example: if you find yourself thinking something along the lines of "I feel terrible. This sucks. How could he say that to me?" then try pulling yourself up and saying "I feel terrible. This sucks. What can I do right now, by myself, to help me feel better?"

Lots and lots of hurtful feelings work the same way as your present resentment: something happens to us, we feel bad, then we start going over and over and over what happened, and each time around that loop the bad feeling comes back again and takes another whack at us.

One useful trick is to ask yourself where in your body you feel bad right now. Does your head hurt? Are you nauseous? Tight shoulders? Generally when we feel emotionally toxic there will be bodily sensations associated with that. Switching our attention to identifying those, and treating them as if they were free-floating symptoms not associated with any particular past event, can be extremely helpful.
posted by flabdablet at 2:02 AM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


It seems like you are doing a lot to figure out your health stuff, but is it possible you're leaning on your boyfriend too heavily without considering his own needs? For example, did you consider calling a cab when the sleep study didn't work out, knowing how much you've been interrupting his sleep lately? Also, you parenthetically described his responsibilities: a full time job and grad school at night, as if that enormous amount of work is beside the point of your problems. He could be confiding in his parents (whose support you also admit to accepting) because they are helping him to stay on top of things while he's helping you.

I think I can understand how resentful you feel right now, but I also think you're being really really hard on your boyfriend. You're focused on what is NOT being done for you instead of how your boyfriend knew he could take you to a safe place while he got some uninterrupted rest, and his parents have welcomed you into their home in part to help keep you guys together during a difficult time. While I think they should have refused to pass along his ultimatum and insisted that you guys could talk about things on your own when your heads are clearer, chances are they had no desire to get this involved and are just trying to help their son by doing what he's asked.

It's also very likely that your boyfriend would not have ever considered giving you this ultimatum, but he's tired, overwhelmed and scared of losing his job. From your description, he clearly loves you a great deal. He has not broken up with you or stopped "believing in you"; he's exhausted and needs some space. Look, I'm pretty sure that when you guys agreed to live together neither of you anticipated the circumstances in which you now find yourselves. Right? This has been a big life change for both of you, and you both have to allow for fits and starts during the adjustment period, especially with all the additional stresses you guys are dealing with.


And this is an honest question regarding your confusion about why you're in his parents house rather than the guest bedroom: Do you toss and turn in your shared bed first before getting up and moving to the guest bed, or return to your shared bed when you can't sleep or have had a nightmare? If the answer is yes, then the benefits of you moving to another bed is possibly mitigated by those interruptions and it's hard to fault your boyfriend for not being confident that separate beds is enough tonight.
posted by sundaydriver at 3:00 AM on February 9, 2012 [6 favorites]


I can understand how you're feeling betrayed right now, and being talked to by his parents about that must have been embarrassing and awkward. But I think you should cut the boyfriend some slack. It seems to me that he is doing his best, and last night's decision to make you stay at his parents house was made from sheer exhaustion and helplessness on his part, which is understandable.

You can't expect him to be a martyr, and even if you trust him as an ultimate confidante, you shouldn't take him for granted. I think your resentment might fade a little if you try to think from his perspective a little more. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in your condition, and it's only natural to need emotional support, but it is also hard for those who support you, and he needs his emotional support, hence confiding to his parents. Especially if that includes being woken up several times a night to comfort someone. I couldn't do that for long even if I loved someone so much. I would have done the same thing, where I'd say "I need to be alone for tonight, period".

Perhaps you should use the guest room more frequently, and more effectively. Or even if you wake up from a nightmare, you might want to consider how lucky you are to have someone you love next to you sleeping, and find comfort in that, rather than waking him up and keeping him awake until you fall asleep. In any case, your boyfriend needs stable sleep, otherwise he could start suffering from insomnia as well, from the anxiety of maybe being woken up in the middle of the night. He also definitely needs compassion and understanding from you, just like you need it from him. If you two really love each other, I'm sure you can respect each other's wishes and find a solution that doesn't involve you going home, or simply aggressively seek treatment.
posted by snufkin5 at 3:43 AM on February 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


I have a chronic condition that seeps into my life and relationships and I've learned quite a bit from it. Some of it might be helpful to you, I dunno.

First: you need to get your health the hell out of your relationship. You've got sleep issues and you need to work that out, but in the meantime that doesn't give you license to continually disturb someone else's sleep. You've absolutely got to start finding ways to comfort yourself in the middle of the night or drift off without *actively* involving your boyfriend. This isn't just so he can get a good night's sleep - though that is a good side benefit - but so that you aren't dependent on him to be able to sleep. You've gotten yourself to a point where you don't sleep without him and he doesn't sleep with you and that just doesn't work. Medical issues aside, that has to be solved right away for the sake of the relationship, or there simply won't BE a relationship for much longer.

You also need to take charge of your medical decisions and get your boyfriend out of it. Your health is a huge part of who you are and it's difficult to deal with. I've been there. I've absolutely had my epilepsy become the third partner in my relationships and it didn't do anyone any favors. I didn't get better. My partner became resentful. And then, I got resentful of them for not giving me a free pass for my health. It just doesn't work. Your partner is there to support you, not fix you. Chronic conditions are a beast in that they rear their stupid ugly heads into every facet of your life, but you really have to do everything you can to minimize how it affects how you two work as a couple. Your life together can not be about how he's helping you with your sleep issues.

It's a hard thing to hear, but he's right that you absolutely need to take charge of your health right now. Talk to your doctor and find a way to re-schedule the sleep study. Tell your doctor about how traumatizing this attempt was for you and see if there's anything you can do differently next time. If not... well...

I hate saying this, but you've just got to do it and get it over with. You truly do. Not just for your relationship, but for YOU. You've hit a point with the medical process where you won't get any decent treatment options without a good diagnosis and you won't get a diagnosis without testing and well, this is what you've got to do. I've been there. I've had to do overnights in hospitals, 24hr video monitoring, MRIs, EEGs, sleep-deprived EEGs, and even take-home EEG monitoring. It all sucked.

It took me years to get a decent treatment plan and during that time, I had three long term relationships. The first, at the onset of my adult seizures, ended because I hadn't learned how to handle living with my seizures and my partner made some serious bad judgement calls about when to get help. The second, my husband was the most doting, affectionate partner a person could ask for. He truly DID martyr himself for me... to the point where it was suggested if perhaps he chose marrying *me* for the side benefit of getting to be a martyr.

And in those years of being with him, I can tell you right now that it did not help ME in any way to have him looking after every single need and possible seizure trigger that I had and making sure to wrap me up in a supportive love bubble. When we broke up, I suddenly had to deal with my seizures on my own and it was horrible to figure out. You can't do that to yourself. You can't have someone else manage your disease because eventually, there WILL be a point where you'll have to do it yourself.

My current husband respects my needs and is very supportive in helping me treat my seizures, but they're MY seizures. This is absolutely the balance I need in a partner. If I need something, all I need to do is ask - but he's not going to bend over backwards to try and fix me. I take care of myself and he helps, rather than him taking care of me and my sitting back and being sick - which was very much the dynamic in my previous relationships.

You need to get to this point for your own sake, if not for your relationship. Having a chronic condition can be a full time job and it takes a strain on any relationship. It sucks. And you absolutely have to take the reins and take control of getting a diagnosis and a treatment plan. If you don't do it now, you not only will damage your relationship with your boyfriend - but you also won't be getting better. You need that for yourself. You deserve to have better sleep and better health and you need to find out what is keeping you from having that and fix it.

TL;DR - Take charge of your health for your own sake, but seriously, if you don't do it now you might just find yourself not sleeping all on your own.
posted by sonika at 4:36 AM on February 9, 2012 [28 favorites]


the latest sentiment seems to be 'get yourself together quick or GTFO.' I know he and his parents both mean well, but how do I not feel resentful about this? I just don't know in what universe it would be a good idea to take someone in a new city with anxiety and problems sleeping, make her stay the night in an unfamiliar place and let me know what my 2 'options' are for how to live my life moving forward.

Step back from the situation for a minute and look at it from his POV. First, what he's actually saying and not what you feel that he's saying. What were his actual words? That you need to seek treatment or this won't work out. That's simply him telling you that things as they are are unsustainable. You already know this. You're on the same page on that - you know that things are unsustainable as they are. Try not to jump to the "GTFO" conclusion - just focus on the actual problem at hand. You've got to fix things because it's not working.

So, there's that. As for the unfamiliar place to sleep: this was the least worst option. You were supposed to be in the hospital and your boyfriend was counting on a full night's sleep because he's exhausted. This is the part that's really hard to hear when you've got a chronic condition, and I hated hearing it because "But! My needs! Are so needy!" but... yours are not the only needs. You have anxiety and sleep problems. Your boyfriend also needs sleep. This is how he could get it. He was not doing this to you. He was problem solving and trying to keep this the least worst for both of you. That means he had to factor in his own need for sleep. Guess what - even though you have sleep problems, other people have a legitimate right to sleep as well.

(Oh, I know this is harsh and oh, I'll confess it took me years to figure out caring for my own needs didn't mean that they got to trump everyone else's needs.)

Also, his parents are just trying to help him. You know this. They don't owe you anything and that they're willing to take you in at all is a great kindness. They're trying to help you in their own way, but their role here is to support their son. They are absolutely not going to tell him "Son, this girl has anxiety issues and is in an unfamiliar place - you need to let her come home, she can't sleep here." You need to remember that while from your POV, you're someone with specific health needs - from their POV, you're their son's girlfriend and their son is upset. As much as they sympathize with you... a parent's allegiance will always, ALWAYS be to what their child needs. And their son needed a good night's sleep.

And so, on to your options. You already knew the options. You KNOW that you need to get treatment and that your life is unsustainable as it is. This is not news. It's hard to hear from someone else (especially someone else's parents!) but this is not coming from a place of trying to control you or make your decisions for you. This is your boyfriend trying to get you to recognize that your health being out of control is starting to make his life feel out of control as well.

Don't bother trying not to feel resentful. You do feel resentful. Anybody in your shoes would feel resentful. Feeling resentful is the natural human reaction to having other people put their needs ahead of yours.

Yes, absolutely. Feel resentful about it. That's fine. But at the same time, recognizing that you've been putting your needs ahead of your boyfriend's for a long time... and imagine how he's feeling about it.
posted by sonika at 4:53 AM on February 9, 2012 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: Well, we have not been living together very long at all, which means I've lived without him much longer than I've lived with him. So I don't think I'm co-dependent. Also, he actually disrupts me every single night, since he snores like mad every night, whereas *most* nights I leave him alone and he sleeps fine. So he is actually more continually disruptive to my sleep than I am to his. Also, I have been dealing with my sleep issues by myself for my entire life, so I am not worried about becoming reliant on him. And I have been seeing doctors and working to figure this out for a long time, since well before we were together. The reason I am only now going for a sleep study is because I just got insurance (through him). My recent stint with meds was helpful for a few months until it wasn't, and then we added another med which seemed to help for a little bit and then it didn't, and now I'm off all meds and trying another approach. So I have been proactive and will continue to be. Thanks for your advice, sonika.
posted by infinityjinx at 4:54 AM on February 9, 2012


It sounds from your initial question like you really want to keep your relationship with your boyfriend going. I would never suggest putting this before your own wellbeing, but it sounds like you kind of know what you have to do in order to progress that, and are in fact in the process of doing so, and good for you.

So, relationship salvage. I would suggest trying one or more of the following:

- Offering to cook your BF a meal to thank him for helping you after the episode at the sleep centre. During the meal, assuring him that you appreciate all his support and are totally committed to continuing to seek treatment for your illness/es

- Sleeping in separate rooms for a while, so that you can enjoy the sanctuary of his/your home, whilst not compromising either of your ability to sleep the night through whenever possible

- Spending a little time every day being thankful for the good things in your life (such as that you can afford the medical treatment for your illness, that you have a loving BF) and using that positivity to give you strength for the treatment ahead - the next try at the sleep study especially.
posted by greenish at 5:26 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


I didn't see here that you are going to therapy?

I think you need to do five things:

- start therapy for you with an excellent cbt therapist
- do a few sessions of couples therapy with him to establish boundaries and plans
- exercise every day
- add something to your life that is not about your problems or him - could be anything, knitting, petting puppies at the shelter, scrabble meet-up group.
- SLEEP IN SEPARATE ROOMS. Put the extra bed in the living room and sleep there. There is no shame in this - plenty of happy couples sleep separately if there are sleep isssues.
posted by yarly at 5:45 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, we have not been living together very long at all, which means I've lived without him much longer than I've lived with him. So I don't think I'm co-dependent. Also, he actually disrupts me every single night, since he snores like mad every night, whereas *most* nights I leave him alone and he sleeps fine. So he is actually more continually disruptive to my sleep than I am to his.

At least for this part, have you tried sleeping in separate rooms?
posted by zombieflanders at 6:20 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


You're describing a really horrible situation, in the aggregate, and I'm sorry you have to struggle through it. I have only a small understanding of how hard it must be, but it's clear that it is hard, and that all of this is really disrupting your life.

I want to take issue with a few things you've written. You've written a lot, and even so, there's no way to really convey everything about such a complex situation in such a short time. Still, a couple of things don't quite add up in what you've written.

You describe yourself as aggressively getting treatment, but there are some indications that that might not be the case. You describe all of your doctors prescribing hard exercise, but it sounds like not only have you not engaged in that, but you still aren't engaging in it. It's still a "plan" for the future. I know you have a reason why you haven't done this, but it seems difficult to say you're aggressively seeking treatment when you haven't taken up the one unanimous recommendation. Further, your boyfriend seems to feel that you are not aggressively seeking treatment. For me, this is the biggest thing you should be paying attention to as you seek to understand how to move forward in your relationship. Either this guy is a jerk or he really doesn't understand all that you've been doing or you are not doing as much as you would have us believe. Have you asked him why he feels like you're not doing all that you could be doing?

I came here thinking that boyfriend believed in me, and the latest sentiment seems to be 'get yourself together quick or GTFO.'

This is a troubling statement. From your previous descriptions it does not appear to be true, he does not appear to have conveyed that you should "get yourself together quick or GTFO." Second, your characterization of this comment as betraying a lack of "belief" in you is strange. I'm not sure what it means, but it reads a bit like you expect that his love should translate into his endless patience with whatever you do and however you do it, simply because you tell him it's a result of your disordered sleep. That's a belief deeply unfair to your boyfriend and his needs, and an untenable situation.

Overall you've cast this as a case of bad behavior on your boyfriends part that will require forgiveness from you. I think that characterization is indeed problematic if you want to maintain your relationship. Even if we grant that your boyfriend acted badly, there is enough in your description (as pointed out by most other posters) to suggest that he has some legitimate grievances here, and that he was acting at a moment when his better nature was under strain. Sure, that's an issue to be considered at some point, but if you want to preserve the relationship now, you probably have to start by giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and having an honest and frank discussion about his concerns. (That doesn't make his concerns correct, it just means that you stop thinking of yourself as the only aggrieved party here.)

Given your interventions in this thread, I don't doubt that you can list reasons why what I've said is wrong. And I could understand it if you did. However, when dealing with issues in couples you can "right," or you can be receptive. Right can be the lonely road.

On preview:
yarly wrote; "start therapy for you with an excellent cbt therapist"

The research evidence is robust and indicates that CBT is really no better than other forms of therapy.
posted by OmieWise at 6:23 AM on February 9, 2012 [10 favorites]


If you are managing your health aggressively you should not have been sleeping in the same bedroom as someone you knew was disrupting your sleep when you had the option to sleep somewhere else. When you are dealing with a chronic illness you have to be extra mindful of all your choices (you do know the spoon theory, right?).

You said you got permission a few weeks ago by the psychiatrist back home to go off your meds, do you have a psychiatrist (not a physician, a specialist) here that is monitoring you? Going off some of the meds can CAUSE the anxiety and insomnia you are feeling.

I agree you need to be thankful for what your boyfriend has done for you and you need to recognise he has legitimate needs (like sleep!) that you cannot continue to disrupt because you feel your needs are more important at that moment.
posted by saucysault at 6:56 AM on February 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


Either this guy is a jerk or he really doesn't understand all that you've been doing or you are not doing as much as you would have us believe.

OmieWise gives good advice. I wanted to suggest another alternative though. Sometimes people say things because they need to be heard, and that doesn't necessarily make them bad people.

I sometimes have a mental health issue, and when I manage it badly, it affects my relationships with others, including my relationship with my wife. It sometimes affects her happiness.

Suppose I were in the middle of getting productive therapy but I had an episode, and it affected her in some way, and she said "I am sick of your [mental health problem]. You have to fix it. You have to get help and fix this problem because I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this."

Even though she knows that I am in fact taking big steps to work on this problem of mine, that doesn't mean she isn't allowed to be frustrated with me. It doesn't mean she isn't allowed to express her frustration to me. Even if she knows that I'm already doing olympic-quality work with my therapist and taking all of my medication without complaint, my wife has a perfect right to be frustrated with me, and to express her frustration in appropriate ways. I don't, personally, think that makes her a jerk.

It's possible your boyfriend needed to be heard. It's possible that he's feeling some urgency or some frustration that he has been keeping from you because he doesn't want to pile on to you when you're already in a bad situation. And now he's letting some of that urgency out. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or he's plotting against you. It just means that he, too, has emotions and needs and wants.
posted by gauche at 7:08 AM on February 9, 2012 [11 favorites]


You need to sleep in separate beds, probably all the time but at least on work nights. I know that it's not romantic or whatever, but that's just how it is. He snores, you have your own issues, you guys are not a restful combo. I have several chronic health issues and my husband is a profoundly robust snorer. At least a quarter of the time, I sleep on the couch because either my pain is causing me to move around a lot and I don't want to disturb his sleep, or because he sounds like he has an enraged wolverine trapped under the covers and that prevents me from sleeping. Do what you have to do to make sure the both of you sleep, which means not waking him up because you're anxious and making sure that you can't hear him snoring.
posted by crankylex at 7:15 AM on February 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


You have to let him get the sleep he needs. You know yourself how awful sleep deprivation can be, and if you're putting him in a position where being supportive of you means constantly sacrificing his own sleep - by staying up until you're exhausted, and being woken to comfort you during nightmares - that's impossibly unfair to him.

That said, getting his parents to give you an ultimatum about the future of your relationship when he hadn't even told you he was feeling overwhelmed? And sharing personal details about you with his mother without any thought to your comfort levels? That seems pretty odd and inappropriate to me, to say the least, and is not something I would be okay with in a relationship no matter how supportive his parents had been to me.

So I'd suggest talking to him about his parents' involvement to unpick exactly what's going on there, for him and for you, and what that means for the future of your relationship. But... do it after you've made plans to let him, even if not you for the moment, get a decent night's sleep. These aren't the kind of conversations you can have when sleep deprivation's driving you both crazy.
posted by Catseye at 7:36 AM on February 9, 2012


People says things poorly sometimes when under stress. If you want the relationship to continue you will have to forgive him and his overly helpful Mom. You don't have to do that today though.

I have a sleep disorder called Alpha Wave Intrusion. It is just that. Alpha waves intrude into the REM cycle and I get no restorative sleep. I take a sleeping pill every night and it has been a life changer.

I share this so you will know that there is a solution waiting for you, maybe not that one, but something that will make coping will all of this so much easier. Try not to make hard and fast decisions about yourself, your boyfriend or his parents till you all feel at least rested. Good luck.
posted by cairnoflore at 9:22 AM on February 9, 2012


Other people have tackled a lot of the issues you present here, I just wanted to give you a perspective tip. You're treating this screaming episode during the sleep study as a primary trauma, when what I'm seeing is a symptom of your sleep disorder. Drastic startle responses or belligerence while waking up is meaningful in the context of your sleep issues.

But you left instead of trying to complete the study. I understand from experience how easy it is to slide into irrationality when you're not really not getting enough sleep to function normally, but you really need to re-program your intentions so that sleep (everyone's) is The Most Important Thing Right Now. Your sleep hygiene sucks, you don't respect other people's sleep, and you're in a feedback loop of getting attention for not sleeping.

Maybe you should stay at his parents' house for a week or more, since it at least sounds as if you can have space of your own to sleep in there. Sleep by yourself, using best practices for sleep, comforting yourself appropriately when you wake. Organize your days so that everything you do is in service of the best possible night's sleep you can achieve.

If you have not yet spoken to someone to learn about proper sleep hygiene, you need to ask for that today. Ask whoever gave you the referral for the sleep study.

Reschedule the study and make an agreement with yourself that you will treat the sleep study as the Big Damn Deal it needs to be, and you will stick it out no matter what.

In a couple of weeks, when he has had some sleep and you have hopefully had some sleep and are re-learning how to sleep, and when you're able to get some results from your study, that's when you sit down with him and start unsnarling the relationship issues. Because right now? Not as important as sleep. They really want you to be very serious about sleep, they want to see you care - that's where the ultimatum comes from, I think - and apply yourself to this problem. The upside of that is that you actually should be really serious about this, so you all have a common goal. Take advantage of the resources at hand right now and worry about the rest later.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:34 AM on February 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


If you have not yet spoken to someone to learn about proper sleep hygiene, you need to ask for that today. Ask whoever gave you the referral for the sleep study.

Yes, absolutely. In addition to epilepsy, I have a sleep disorder (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome) and it took me a referral to a specialist and months of re-programming to get my sleep in order and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself, ever. If you can't get in touch with a medical professional today and would like a few tips on very, VERY simple things you can do to start improving your sleep habits - feel free to MeMail me. I'm talking REALLY simple stuff that probably won't get you a full night's sleep right away, but will very much help improve whatever sleep you're currently getting. Again, I'm not a doctor, but I've been in a very similar situation to yours and I'd be more than happy to share what worked for me in terms of first steps to getting a full night's sleep.
posted by sonika at 9:46 AM on February 9, 2012


This is the second time I've said this in a week, but it doesn't sound like you're in an adult relationship.

So you have problems. That's one thing. And your boyfriend has problems by association, as well as whatever issues you have with him. Ok.

But why are his parents sitting you down like you're 17 and you could be messing up his big plans for a bright future? He's THIRTY FOUR! Why the hell are they delivering ultimatums?! It's none of their business, and the fact that your boyfriend has made it so is wrong and creepy. He's fobbing you off on them like some teenage runaway he doesn't have the maturity to handle. It's insane.

I'm 30, and if my boyfriend's mom started giving me ultimatums I'd go find a relationship with a mature man who didn't have his mommy do his heavy emotional lifting.
posted by devymetal at 9:48 AM on February 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


I just want to note that Effexor was for me, a person with no prior sleep issues, Sleep-Disrupting Crazy Dream medicine. I stopped waking up from vivid dreams what felt like every few minutes when I got some trazodone (not a benzo, but an old-fashioned anti-depressant at a very low dose; somebody has tried this on you, right?), but incredibly vivid hard-to-shake-off nightmares were THE major feature of quitting. After I accidentally had to go cold turkey from the max dose for two days, I missed a day of classes because I literally could not wake up all the way from an hours-long series of detailed nightmares-within-nightmares about apocalyptic flooding followed by a long sequence re: Nazis who had the bomb. Kept struggling to the surface, thinking I was awake, then realized I was still dreaming. And after quitting a little more properly my brain took a few months to totally un-wire itself, by which time the problems I needed medication for were very much in evidence. So I get you, I think, and would like to reassure you -- you know this, no doubt, but could probably stand to hear it from somebody else at this point -- that it is absolutely reasonable to be artificially shaky and on-edge and rationality-impaired in a way that would not be a good mix with pre-existing anxiety issues. It will get better.

In the meantime you really do have to learn some self-soothing techniques, both for your boyfriend and for your own long-term health, even after this sleep issue improves. You've been using him like an anti-anxiety drug, which is totally understandable because it works and you're probably used to getting drug-like feelings from him anyway and you're new to living with him, so you don't so much have a baseline of "normal" sleeping with somebody every night to refer to, and the idea of sleeping in another room could have seemed so antithetical to having just moved in with him that I can see how it might not even have occurred to you. But it's not only draining him, it's not helping you. If you take too much anti-anxiety medication for too long, you develop a tolerance, have to increase the dosage till you hit the ceiling. Only in this case the ceiling would be set by the person who is functioning as the drug, so you have to be very careful about what you set as the threshold for an emergency you need outside help with. Since it can be hard to remember this or anything else immediately upon waking, an interval of sleeping alone might be your best bet for a while. It wouldn't be a defeat, but an acknowledgment, and both the kindest and the smartest thing you can do on your own.

I'm guessing that if you needed Effexor in the first place, not being on medication at all might not be helping. If you're not happy with your current prescriber, you might look for a psychiatrist who specializes in sleep issues. Even if you can't, a psychiatrist is always preferable to a GP. The best thing, if you can both find one and find one you like, might be a psychiatrist who also does therapy, but those are hard to find with insurance restrictions. And therapy, yes, absolutely. Whether or not you look for somebody who uses a particular approach, it'll work much better if you can find somebody you have a rapport with. Don't settle, even if it feels like you have to find one immediately.
posted by Adventurer at 10:09 AM on February 9, 2012


"I thought he was my one true confidante, but I found out tonight that he has shared a lot of personal stuff about me with his mom"

You got lots of other good advice, here's one on just this tiny point:

This is an issue of family culture. In a lot of families, "keep this a deep dark secret" is considered to include mom (and other family). I have been married 10 years and I still find myself taken aback sometimes when my husband goes and tells something to his mother that I assumed was something private I told him. I literally have to tell him, "this is just between us and not for your mother."

(Also I am sure he is telling her other things that would make me crazy but I am not the telling-people police and as long as I don't find out about it I choose to ignore it. We have different set-points on "talk to the whole family about it" which a) is fair for him to have and b) my family is like 80 times the size of his so when I tell people there's hella more talking than when he does, even though he does it more often.)

Anyway, it simply may not have crossed his mind that sharing these things with his mother was breaking your confidence because in his family culture, it isn't. This is an issue that people of good will can often navigate with a little compromise and understanding -- once you feel a bit more settled elsewhere and neither of you is super sleep-deprived. It doesn't have to be a deal-breaker and it's a very common point of dissent in marriages and friendships and so on.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:14 PM on February 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


Amen to what Eyebrows McGee said. The day I heard my husband talking to his dad about my menstrual cramps was the day I realized just how different our families of origin were.

So I think you need to figure out how you can care for your health better. And I know that shit is hard, trust. And you guys need to figure out additional sleep options.

But I also think you need to talk with him and set your boundaries about how much feedback and discussion you're comfortable with from his parents. Honestly, I wouldn't have stood for more than a minute of being lectured by them on his behalf.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:47 PM on February 9, 2012


Also, he actually disrupts me every single night, since he snores like mad every night,

Has he had a sleep study done?
posted by flabdablet at 5:22 PM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


I wish he would have just said "you, tonight: guest bed. me: sleep."

As an anxious person myself- I would SAY this is what should have happened, when in reality if I had a hunch my partner was mad at me (or whatever) so was asking me to sleep in the guest room- I would question this to the extreme in an upset way... resulting in a long drawn out argument/conversation about whether we should really be together... no sleep for anyone, yet again.

I wonder if its not the same for you guys (as you said you keep him up a lot anyway)...

so maybe he was so tired that he decided to have you kidnapped instead of have you around when he had to little patience and might say something he regretted.
posted by misspony at 11:22 PM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Since this thread is still open, and I'm currently having a sleepless night, I'm wondering: What ultimately happened after this week? Did everything work out OK? Did you do another sleep study? What happened with his parents? Not that any of that is my business at all, just wondering. I hope you guys got things back on track!
posted by limeonaire at 12:25 AM on April 29, 2012


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