I realize this post is a little long.....but has anyone ever experienced the following Made-For-TV-Hallmark-Channel episode, or something like it, or know anyone who did? If so, how did you handle it?
posted by BeastMan78 to human relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I’m a 33 year old gay male from a family with an overbearing mother and a very passive father. Growing up, I never really took any risks. At 15 years of age, I became involved in Emergency Medical Services, came up through the ranks, and became a Paramedic. I’ve practiced, taught, lectured, mentored, precepted, written, published....and am now over it.
2010 was a year of change for me. My grandmother died in April (first time I’d ever lost someone in my family), my parents were forclosed upon (in the house I grew up in), my sister relapsed, and in September, my partner of 5 years left. Granted, I was unfaithful, but admitted my infidelity. I knew why I did what I did, had reached a conclusion, and wanted to work things through. He did not. I’ve learned a lot since then, about myself, about what my relationship really meant, and what I needed at the time.
After the split, my life changed. I lost an incredible amount of weight, became more physically active, started (timidly) going out and meeting other men, and started on the road to what I wanted. In March of 2011, I met a man through an online chat site. He was partnered, “not getting what (he) needed at home”, and stuck in a cycle of alcohol, depression, and stagnation. I just wanted a friend; he wanted to get in the sack. After rebuking his efforts multiple times, I gave in and had sex. It was incredible. After that episode, he wanted more. He learned about things like intimacy, something he admitted he had never felt much of from any of his previous or current partners. He learned that alcohol was an escape, and that he had lost himself during his current relationship (of 10 years.) We grew very close.
Fast forward through time to the present. I have forced myself away from him, and watched him fight to get me back into his life. We have had many conversations about trust, truth, integrity, goals, loyalty, partnership, and so forth. On many occasions, he has referred to me as his “other half”, his “partner.”
In January, he left his current partner to go “find himself.” He begged me to come with him to Montana, with the stipulation that he was going for himself “first.” He continues to state that while he is going to do what is best for him, he wants me “along for the ride” (I didn’t like the choice of words, so he restated that if “our paths were to align, that would be great.”)
He has gone from promising me a ring, to apologizing and stating that no promises can be made until he “figures things out.” He continues to talk to his partner on a daily basis, and refers to his “home” constantly.
I’m not sure how to take this. At one point, I accused him of having his cake and eating it too. He admitted this was a true statement, but again reiterated that he could not promise anything until he figured things out, and that I needed to do what was best for me, and not put him as my sole reason for coming with him.
Now I feel lost. One one hand, he has done everything and anything to show that he is honest and sincere as he always has been with me. He says I make him feel “alive”, that he feels like “I can be myself and you will let me.” However, I have never been a trusting person, and still have quite a few moments of doubt. I have no support from family and very little from friends; he doesn’t either. He is quick to rage if he feels someone is “judging” him. Admittedly, he has been more relaxed since he has been here in Montana; he has gone from drinking almost half a gallon of Bacardi to half a pint in two weeks. He has a job already. He wants to return to the Navy on active duty, as he had 10 years in prior. Sometimes, I catch him referring to future plans with “us” and “we” instead of “I” and “me/myself.”
I feel like I deserve someone single. Someone who can devote their time to me. I am also NOT a trusting person, or a risk taker. I know what I want. I've put a lot of time and effort into learning to trust with him, become more intimate, hell, explore things I've NEVER thought of doing. When my ex left, I erased him from my life-completely (yeah, I don't take rejection or pain very well.) I also realize that in the past, I have been VERY codependent, something I will NEVER do again. Since I have been here with him, I have secured a job, gone out on my own, and made time for “us” as well-all balanced for the most part.
Has anyone ever been in this type of situation? If so, what did you do about it? It’s amazing to me that since he has removed himself from his former environment, he hasn’t gotten all that weepy. It took me about 6 months to realize that my former relationship wasn’t one at all, but more like codependent roommates with benefits. He feels the same way about his.
I’m not sure if I should ride this out and see where it goes, or just jump ship, bail, and close myself off for a while. It took a lot for me to open myself up and trust this guy; we have a better relationship in 1 year than I ever had with my ex in 5.
He says I’m not a “rebound” or a “springboard.” He says the sex is the “best he’s ever had” and that he connects with me “in a way (he’s) never connected before.”
What do you think?