How to handle role reversals?
February 7, 2012 3:28 PM Subscribe
Relationship Role Reversals
I'm used to dating one specific type of girl, but my now girlfriend is the exact opposite of every girl I've ever dated. I love this girl I can honestly say that, but I keep coming back to how things are strange sometimes because of the role reversals. I'm used to a woman with a soft exterior and feminine personality, not exactly femme but not butch either. Well this girl I've been dating is tough/butchy exterior and sorta feminine personality. I enjoy my time with her and I don't want to break up with her but how can I get passed the differences in roles.
It's almost the same for her, she's used to dating only femme chicks. I'm butchy exterior but feminine personality mostly. She's used to the girly girls and taking care of them. I'm used to taking care of myself and I'm not girly, not that much anyway. But I know she loves me too and doesn't want to break up either.
Instead we are at a crossroads and neither of us know where or how to proceed. Please help me.
I'm used to dating one specific type of girl, but my now girlfriend is the exact opposite of every girl I've ever dated. I love this girl I can honestly say that, but I keep coming back to how things are strange sometimes because of the role reversals. I'm used to a woman with a soft exterior and feminine personality, not exactly femme but not butch either. Well this girl I've been dating is tough/butchy exterior and sorta feminine personality. I enjoy my time with her and I don't want to break up with her but how can I get passed the differences in roles.
It's almost the same for her, she's used to dating only femme chicks. I'm butchy exterior but feminine personality mostly. She's used to the girly girls and taking care of them. I'm used to taking care of myself and I'm not girly, not that much anyway. But I know she loves me too and doesn't want to break up either.
Instead we are at a crossroads and neither of us know where or how to proceed. Please help me.
Not challenging, but seriously asking: Why does it matter?
posted by thinkpiece at 3:42 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 3:42 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Her personality is amazing and I have a great time with her. Talking with her and just being with her is great. I enjoy being with her and we can talk about anything. I look forward to seeing her when I get off work and she's not working. And yes the sex is amazing ;).
I thought about it all night long and I thought rolling with it seemed like a good idea and just seeing what happens but I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with this or is dealing with this and has suggestions or opinions.
posted by roxiesmom at 3:43 PM on February 7, 2012
I thought about it all night long and I thought rolling with it seemed like a good idea and just seeing what happens but I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with this or is dealing with this and has suggestions or opinions.
posted by roxiesmom at 3:43 PM on February 7, 2012
Response by poster: It matters because today we had a talk because she's confused and the role reversal is making her confused. Like I said she's used to taking care of her girlfriends and being the "man" so to speak. And I'm used to taking care of myself and kinda being the "man" in the relationship. I'm getting better at letting her take care of me an I'm ok with her taking charge.
posted by roxiesmom at 3:46 PM on February 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by roxiesmom at 3:46 PM on February 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
What if you each find areas in which one of you takes care of the other? What are the aspects of your life and relationship where it's most important to you to be taking care of your partner, and what are hers? There may be some areas where you can each be in charge.
posted by gingerbeer at 3:51 PM on February 7, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by gingerbeer at 3:51 PM on February 7, 2012 [6 favorites]
my husband and i don't really look like each others exes. to add to it, if i had a preferred gender for my partners, it's not male. i was insecure about not being petite and dainty (like some of his exes) for a while, but i realized that he didn't default to me, he chose me and i chose him. i love his insides and his outsides. i trust that he feels the same way. if anything, it helped us break out of how we treated partners by default which allowed us to get closer and love each other more.
if you guys need something to pamper and dress up, get a prissy pet. treat each other like equals and with respect and it'll work out if you really like each other.
posted by nadawi at 3:51 PM on February 7, 2012 [8 favorites]
if you guys need something to pamper and dress up, get a prissy pet. treat each other like equals and with respect and it'll work out if you really like each other.
posted by nadawi at 3:51 PM on February 7, 2012 [8 favorites]
Human sexuality is fluid, and that's amazing! I was straight until I met the woman I've now been with for 13 years (we are having our first child in a month). I was attracted to tall men, and I ended up with a short woman, and I am deliriously happy. Every relationship requires adjustment and (re)negotiation - absolutely every relationship. You just take it one day at a time and enjoy the fun new emotions these adjustments bring.
posted by arcticwoman at 3:55 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by arcticwoman at 3:55 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
I second the pet idea. Get a pet that needs (or can deal with) a lot attention, and take both care of it.
It's not like you took your girlfriend because there were no "usual pattern" options available or vice versa. You got to know each other and decided to be together despite the percieved "mismatch", so it's not a dealbreaker. If it was, you wouldn't try to find a solution and just call it a failed experiment. The desire to take of someone or something can be satisfied otherwise - as a team of "caretakers" in an equal relationship. A pet would be one way, or volunteering for something in the social field that involves taking care of people.
posted by MinusCelsius at 4:11 PM on February 7, 2012
It's not like you took your girlfriend because there were no "usual pattern" options available or vice versa. You got to know each other and decided to be together despite the percieved "mismatch", so it's not a dealbreaker. If it was, you wouldn't try to find a solution and just call it a failed experiment. The desire to take of someone or something can be satisfied otherwise - as a team of "caretakers" in an equal relationship. A pet would be one way, or volunteering for something in the social field that involves taking care of people.
posted by MinusCelsius at 4:11 PM on February 7, 2012
Assure her that she's taking care of you. Take care of her. Roll with it.
Like others, I'm confused about why she (and maybe you) are confused. If you're looking for a prince charming to rescue you, or a damsel in distress to save... That kind of template doesn't really hold up over time.
One of the great things about intimate relationships is being able to be more than a type - you should be sharing the whole you.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:29 PM on February 7, 2012
Like others, I'm confused about why she (and maybe you) are confused. If you're looking for a prince charming to rescue you, or a damsel in distress to save... That kind of template doesn't really hold up over time.
One of the great things about intimate relationships is being able to be more than a type - you should be sharing the whole you.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:29 PM on February 7, 2012
Response by poster: I think she's more confused because of the reversals. I made a decision to roll with things and be in the moment of being with her. But today when we talked she stressed her confusion about the fact that I'm different than any girl that she has dated and that has her head fucked up. I want to be with her, I love her I really do. And she says she loves me to but she's confused she says.
I don't know what I can do to help, I was hoping for advice too.
posted by roxiesmom at 4:33 PM on February 7, 2012
I don't know what I can do to help, I was hoping for advice too.
posted by roxiesmom at 4:33 PM on February 7, 2012
Is her confusion due to her looking for the why she's attracted to someone not her usual type? Because attraction doesn't have a "why," or it's "because you're amazing." Looking for a why seems like overthinking. I think it's hard to find practical advice to give, except "It happens, relax and enjoy it." I would say to her, don't look for trouble where there isn't any.
posted by Occula at 5:28 PM on February 7, 2012
posted by Occula at 5:28 PM on February 7, 2012
Is this the same woman from November who is married? If so, there is probably a lot more going on than role reversal anxiety.
posted by murrey at 5:32 PM on February 7, 2012
posted by murrey at 5:32 PM on February 7, 2012
But today when we talked she stressed her confusion about the fact that I'm different than any girl that she has dated and that has her head fucked up. I want to be with her, I love her I really do. And she says she loves me to but she's confused she says.
Yeah, I don't want to be negative but when somebody says "I love you but I'm confused!" they may be warning you that something in the relationship is not working for them -- and it may not be the reason they are citing. So pay attention. It may resolve over time or it may be the harbinger of problems to come. Also, if she is confused, don't confuse that with your own confusion (which sounds rather more minimal, from the way you describe it). It sounds to me like perhaps you are anxious about her confusion and want to help her get over it so that you can be together, yes? That's different, if so.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:49 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I don't want to be negative but when somebody says "I love you but I'm confused!" they may be warning you that something in the relationship is not working for them -- and it may not be the reason they are citing. So pay attention. It may resolve over time or it may be the harbinger of problems to come. Also, if she is confused, don't confuse that with your own confusion (which sounds rather more minimal, from the way you describe it). It sounds to me like perhaps you are anxious about her confusion and want to help her get over it so that you can be together, yes? That's different, if so.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:49 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
Keep talking it out with her..or maybe a therapist could help her to realize what she is looking for in a relationship. It may not be what she thinks.
Anecdote: my husband had a long string of short failed relationships. In counseling, he realized that he was going out with women who needed rescuing in some way, and that for him, this was not the kind of relationship that would last. (anecdote within an anecdote: He met one girlfriend by having a can of WD-40 on hand to help her with a jammed car lock.) He ended up with me-a person who needed some she couldn't steam roller over. We've had to struggle with the roles over the years, but we are each strong enough to let the other grow and weak enough to lean on each other.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:29 AM on February 8, 2012
Anecdote: my husband had a long string of short failed relationships. In counseling, he realized that he was going out with women who needed rescuing in some way, and that for him, this was not the kind of relationship that would last. (anecdote within an anecdote: He met one girlfriend by having a can of WD-40 on hand to help her with a jammed car lock.) He ended up with me-a person who needed some she couldn't steam roller over. We've had to struggle with the roles over the years, but we are each strong enough to let the other grow and weak enough to lean on each other.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:29 AM on February 8, 2012
Dude, one of the joys of being a lesbian is that you don't have to be rigid about gender roles and what is 'masculine' or 'feminine' but can actually do what works for you and the relationship. Seriously. I'm not into telling people that they are doing it wrong, and I have one of those gender identities that requires six pages of footnotes and a reading list myself, but if you are angsting about how you have to be 'the man' in the relationship and that means that you can't let them take care of you or some such then you are Doing It Wrong. Being all 'but somebody has to be the strong, responsible one while their partner faints and wears lipstick' is some straight people-type bullshittery that I would not expect from a healthy invert. I am talking to you, homo to homo, and telling you to get over this fast.
posted by Acheman at 9:33 AM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Acheman at 9:33 AM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]
Get a really serious-looking pair of suspenders. Whoever's got the suspenders on gets to be the "man" that afternoon. At very least it turns an imaginary obligation to perform a particular gender role into a concrete (and equally silly) symbolic token thereof.
The rest of the time maybe you can just enjoy each other?
posted by ead at 10:45 PM on February 8, 2012
The rest of the time maybe you can just enjoy each other?
posted by ead at 10:45 PM on February 8, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by parmanparman at 3:38 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]