My boyfriend's son has major tantrums and it is stressing us all out. Help!

February 7, 2012 12:41 PM

My boyfriend's son's behavior is stressing everyone out. Help!

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year, and about four months ago he introduced me to his two children ages 8 (girl) and 11 (boy). The initial introduction went fine, and subsequent meetings were okay, too. He thought it would be best if he just introduced me as a friend and slowly increased the amount of time that I was around the kids. He alternates weeks with his ex, so at this point I see the kids about once every couple of weeks. Neither of us wanted to push the relationship on the kids, and my bf's therapist agreed that this was a good idea. The therapist also suggested that he not overtly say to the kids "hey, this is my new girlfriend", and kind of let them figure it out and ask questions.

It's been four months now, and neither of the kids have specifically asked what our relationship is, but I'm guessing they are figuring it out, and that it may be making them feel unsettled - particularly the 11 year old boy. He has a tendency to be anxious and insecure, and also has ADHD. Lately (like 5-6 times in the past 2 months), his son has thrown huge tantrums at some point in the evening when I've been over. The tantrum usually starts over eating dinner (if it's something he does not like), or over doing his homework. He whines and complains and then starts insulting his dad "this food is terrible, you always cook horrible food, why don't you cook what I want." He is then usually sent to his room, where he noisily screams and yells about how horrible everything is. After awhile he'll apologize, but in a very self-critical manner "I'm a terrible kid, I don't deserve a hug, etc." So clearly he's in distress and doesn't seem to know how to manage his emotions, and my bf is at his wit's end. In the midst of all of this, the 8 year old girl is usually ignoring this behavior and managing pretty well for a kid her age. She has had one meltdown to date, but she is able to calm down quickly and self-soothes pretty well.

Last night the tantrum escalated to the point of being scary. Again the meltdown began at dinner, and when he was told to go to his room he refused, threw himself on the ground, and screamed and yelled. He finally went to his room, but took all of his clothes out of his dresser and threw them on the ground. He then started screaming and he did not stop for almost 2 hours. He yelled things like "I hate my life, I don't want to live anymore, I feel all this rage and I can't control it." My bf did his best to deal with it, but after his son finally went to sleep he ended up breaking down and crying. He's worried about his son, worried about the stress it's creating on our relationship, and worried that his son is so unhappy. He is making an appointment today for his son to see the psychiatrist. His son saw him two summers ago when the divorce was new and he was experiencing some anxiety over it.

My concern is that I don't know how to best support my bf in this. I don't know if I should suggest that I don't spend time with him and the kids together until they figure out what his son's issue is, or if I'm doing that out of self-preservation because it stresses me out so much. I'm also looking down the road to what life would be like if I were to eventually marry this man. I love him dearly, but I don't want to live my life feeling stressed out about his child all the time. Part of my fear is that I will always be a helpless bystander walking around on egg shells because I don't have a say in disciplining his children.

Their mom has the kids every other week, and though I haven't met her, bf and mom appear to have very different parenting styles. They get along and co-parent fine, and he called her last night to report what was going on, but I think they probably need to do some family counseling for the sake of their son.

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 answers total)

Why does he keep sending the boy to his room? The child needs to develop some coping skills, especially if he is anxious/insecure/ADHD.

I would gently suggest that you not be around when the kids are there, not because you shouldn't be, but because the father-child dynamic needs to be strong and your bf needs to truly make sure his children's needs are met (including getting to the root of irrational emotional ones) before other elements (new people, moving house, etc.) are brought into the mix.

You can still have a grownup relationship with your bf but I would keep "playing house" during kid-week to a minimum and stick to outings, events, fun stuff when it's his week with the kids until he gets a handle on dinner, homework, nurturing, and discipline/coping skills with both of his kids.

they probably need to do some family counseling for the sake of their son.

I think you are right.
posted by headnsouth at 12:51 PM on February 7

family counseling Yes yes yes.


"I hate my life, I don't want to live anymore, I feel all this rage and I can't control it." Time for kid counseling also.

He's insecure and anxious, you've been around for a few months and no one is explaining anything to them? Sometimes kids don't know how to talk about things, how to ask questions, or think they aren't supposed to. You might want to revisit this with the therapist.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:59 PM on February 7 [18 favorites]

Are the tantrums new? Did the kid not do this at all before you appeared in his father's life?
posted by yoink at 1:02 PM on February 7 [5 favorites]

"I hate my life, I don't want to live anymore, I feel all this rage and I can't control it."

This really stands out to me, and I think getting his son in to see a therapist quickly is the best thing the dad can do, and kudos to him for already planning it. It's entirely possible to have major depression and suicidal ideation at 11 years old. If you and your boyfriend would like to read up on kids with depression you might try Help Me, I'm Sad.
posted by MsMolly at 1:11 PM on February 7 [8 favorites]

This is a cry for help. The above advise suggesting family therapy seems right on target. That child behavior requires intervention pronto.
posted by francesca too at 1:21 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

advise= advice
posted by francesca too at 1:22 PM on February 7

"I hate my life, I don't want to live anymore, I feel all this rage and I can't control it."

The not wanting to live anymore is, of course, reason enough for dad to get the kid at least into therapy ASAP. Just chipping in to agree that this needs to be taken seriously.

But the last part of that quote actually gives me hope for him. It's good that he can recognize his anger, and realize that it's out of control. And his scary outbursts are his way of asking for help. Many unhappy adults can't manage that. Please, please, don't let your BF waffle or minimize the situation. The kid wants help; get him into therapy, and the family as well if it's possible. Hopefully intervention now can prevent bigger problems later on.

In terms of you & your behavior, definitely re-evaluate your relationship if your BF doesn't do anything to help his kid. Because then you really will be in the worst-case situation you describe. It doesn't sound like that will happen, though, since dad's really concerned. Right now, just ask him what he thinks, if it would be helpful or not for you to avoid situations with the kids. Once they've been in therapy for a little while, they'll have the support & tools to work on the relationship with you
posted by Fui Non Sum at 1:25 PM on February 7 [2 favorites]

Your boyfriend's son is screaming out for help in dealing with his out of control emotions. Why does your boyfriend see a therapist but his son does not? You say he is taking his soon to the psychiatrist but from your descriptions of these episodes of rage his son has it really seems like this young boy needs on-going help from a therapist, ASAP.
posted by OsoMeaty at 1:29 PM on February 7 [9 favorites]

Why is he "worried about the stress it's creating on our relationship"? Who cares about that? The kids come first. If he doesn't realize that then there's a problem.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 1:39 PM on February 7 [5 favorites]

My heart is breaking for that kid. He doesn't have the tools to express what he's feeling, and he's feeling it pretty strongly. It sounds like he needs a place or a context in which he can explore his feelings without being judged or punished for them. He is punishing himself already, and it isn't working.

That place might be therapy, or it might be a concerted, mindful effort on the part of your boyfriend and the boy's mother, together, to create that space and to support the boy's feelings.

What can you do? Frankly, I think that the right thing to do is to support your boyfriend doing the right thing with respect to his kids. It sounds like your boyfriend feels torn between his obligations to you and to his kids. He cannot live with integrity when torn between competing obligations. You can help him find a way to unify his life under the obligations he is choosing.

Let him know that you understand his kids come first -- tell him that and then show it with your actions as this plays out (e.g., on those occasions when he can't spend time with you because of the kids, smile and say "no problem! It's good that you're doing that and I'm proud of you" even if you're disappointed). Him taking care of the kids is the new normal -- it's not something that he'll get you back for later, it's just how it is.

I'm not saying that you have to become a permanent doormat or that you shouldn't expect the situation to evolve toward something more normal. I'm just saying that it sounds like a kid is in crisis, and -- from my perspective anyway -- part of being an adult is helping take care of children and of the people you care about.

It sounds like you are a caring and observant person so I don't mean to hector you about something that you might already be doing. I think the most important thing is to get that boy help, but I can only talk to you, and you're not someone who can see to it directly that he gets the help he needs.
posted by gauche at 1:53 PM on February 7 [5 favorites]

Yes, I think foremost the son needs to be helped via family counselling (inclusive of the mother) but I also think that father and son need therapy together. The son also needs some therapy to help him develop appropriate coping skills.

I'm afraid this means that you sit out of the family side of things for a bit. You should not cut yourself off from your partner in any way - be there for him and support him as much as you can because he will really need it - but where you sit in this family will need to take a backseat for a little bit while the family as a unit, and in particular the son, gets better on course.
posted by mleigh at 2:31 PM on February 7

Were there no red flags before you showed up? Honestly, the first thing I thought was why is the father in therapy after a divorce and the kids not?

But that's not helpful. A psychiatrist might be needed, but I highly recommend counseling/therapy for BOTH the kids (the quiet, 'good' ones are often suffering just as much or even more, as they don't have the physical release), so that they can actually process and move on, not just medicate symptoms (although with mentions of suicide, please have him do whatever is needed.)
posted by Vaike at 2:45 PM on February 7

"she is able to calm down quickly and self-soothes pretty well".

This may mean the daughter is self repressing instead of self soothing, btw...
posted by Vaike at 2:47 PM on February 7 [6 favorites]

I'm a little confused as to why your bf keeps resorting to the same "solution" that doesn't work and indeed just seems to escalate things. This is a sad and angry and frightened child. Sending him to his room is obviously not helping. (As I understand it from the work one of my godchildren's parents are doing, most psychologist/psychiatrists/therapists now contend that traditional "time outs" tend to be counterproductive for kids with anxiety, depression, and difficulty controlling their outbursts, and different solutions need to be created.)

So my guess is that the right answer isn't going to come until someone with the specific relevant experience has assessed the situation and spent some time working with the parents (individually or jointly) and the child. I'm so glad to hear that your bf is taking the first step in that process!

I don't know if I should suggest that I don't spend time with him and the kids together until they figure out what his son's issue is, or if I'm doing that out of self-preservation because it stresses me out so much.

I think both are really logical reasons not to spend so much time with him and the kids right now. Maybe meeting them for lunch or dinner or fun times like the zoo or whatever is the right level of engagement with the kids until he figures out some better strategies for coping with the son's meltdowns. Then you and he can spend couples time together while the kids are with their mom.

And even if the only reason you want to cut back on your face time with the kids right now is that you don't want to be part of this painful and stressful situation, that's completely valid. You get to be mindful of your own mental health.

All the best to you. This sounds like a difficult situation for everyone, and my most fervent hopes are for a positive resolution.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:57 PM on February 7 [3 favorites]

First let me say--it sounds like everyone is doing the best that they can given the intensity of the situation and the tools that they know. Be gentle with yourselves.

This kiddo does require expert help, and that's okay--he's at an age where lots of change, both environmental and physical, can require an assist.

It can be overwhelming to seek out family/child therapy straight from the gate. This is a great one to take, actually, to the pediatric provider (pediatrician, PNP). You'll get in right away (and should), kiddo already has one, they know how to address and assess this kind of thing to help (a lot) in the short term, and they know the right referral to make for long term help. It's a great and easy first step for everyone. Your pediatrician isn't just for sore throats :)

I'm thinking of you guys. Again, it sounds like everyone is doing the best that they can. Your ped will help everyone do better.
posted by rumposinc at 4:24 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Be gentle with yourselves.

This is what I wanted to say, exactly. This sounds like an enormously hard situation. I like all of rumposinc's advice, and it sounds like you and the BF are doing a lot of things right. You have bitten off a lot, and you are speaking about this kid with compassion and patience, despite the difficulties with behavior, and that makes me really optimistic that you'll find your way.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 7:12 PM on February 7 [1 favorite]

This sounds like a terribly difficult situation, and I applaud you for wanting to find a solution. I like what rumposinc and Linda_Holmes said above - particularly the point about seeing the child's pediatrician first. Also, you do sound like a compassionate person and your bf and his children are probably lucky to have you in their lives. That being said, it may be that his son is having trouble articulating what is going on emotionally. This might mean that you don't spend time with them on evenings during the school week, or at all while they are trying to work on this as a family.

Also - I think your bf seems to be having the appropriate reaction to this. Some have questioned why the kids don't have a therapist and he does. Divorce is extremely tough, and it's possible he underestimated how it was impacting the kids. That doesn't make him bad or malicious, just human. The important thing is that he's realizing it now and has taken immediate steps to get his son help. That's a good sign.
posted by Piglet at 8:33 PM on February 7

I'm sorry if my earlier answer seemed uncompassionate to your bf and to his son's mom--I was pretty invested in my sympathy for the son. I know it's not easy to figure out what to do with a child who's totally lost in an emotional storm! The good news is that so much more is understood now about ways parents (and other caring engaged adults, like you!) can help kids work through these terrible crises. I love that your bf is taking the lead on this, and that you are offering support to him and the kids.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:42 PM on February 7

Yeah, send him to a therapist and REALLY convince him he's in some way broken. Sounds great. He's going through puberty, and everyone takes it differently. Treat him with respect and he'll get over it
posted by MangyCarface at 6:39 AM on February 8

I strongly agree that there should be family therapy with the ex, your boyfriend and the kids. You may be folded into the therapy at some future time but right now they need to work on this as a family unit.

Also, the current therapist really needs to explain the thought process behind "letting the kids figure out what's going on without telling them". From my layman's view, that is utterly wrong. I am a child of divorce, and come from a family of passive aggressive people who ignore anything that might be upsetting with the attitude of it will all fix itself.

My father was remarried for almost a year before my brother and I stumbled across the marriage certificate - that's how we found out. It's caused a rift in our family relationship that has lasted 15 years. Communication with the kids needs to be a priority.
posted by lootie777 at 6:58 AM on February 8 [2 favorites]

You ARE a compassionate and empathetic person, and I feel sympathy for all of you. I'd like to point out something that might shift your perspective on what is happening and maybe that would help. This is a boy who has gone through a HUGE change...logistical, emotional. One that he has no control over. Kids don't often choose divorce for their parents (even though in the long run it might be best for everyone involved.) He doesn't get to choose where he is or who he is with on any given weekend...those decisions are being made for him and he is sent back and forth and that has to be very, very hard for some kids. Kids are also very sensitive to perceived secrets. He might be a sensitive kid who already knows that there is this big emotional undercurrent going on between you and your boyfriend, and NO one is talking about it to him or signaling that it's okay to ask about it and that is emotionally frightening. Did the kids' parents talk to them about their divorce while it was unfolding? Or did they keep it hush-hush until everything had been decided "for the sake of the kids"? If it was the latter, well, that means he has learned that adult secrets have emotionally hard consequences for him, the kid. An any hint of secrets right now could set him off. The kid is 11. He knows what is going on. And that you and your boyfriend have a secret that excludes the kids? Ugh, that is really, really terrible advice from the therapist. That sets up the worst possible power imbalance ever.

I can't tell your boyfriend how to parent his boy, and neither can you. He is the parent. However, I was once the boy in a different situation within my family. I became the emotional lightening rod for everything that was going on, while my sisters' withdrew. It was easy for my parents to see "me" as the problem, and ignore that the whole family system was a mess at that point. Their intense focus on me heightened everything, while things would have been MUCH better if they had seen that our relationships with each other were at the root of the problem instead. And my outbursts did accomplish something...during those times, my parents stopped fighting and united in their focus on me. Was this something I consciously did? No, that was all figured out years later. But it was the only thing that I had to exert ANY control over what was going on. So, I'm a little concerned at the phrasing of the AskMe question, "My boyfriend's son has major tantrums and it is stressing all out." Alternatives might be, "BF's son has major tantrums and we don't know how to help him" or "BF's son is acting out from post-divorce fallout and I'm unsure about how to support my BF and his kids as they figure this out."

Personally, I don't think time outs and sending him to his room is the answer. I really believe that most kids don't act out because they are bad kids...they are confused, scared, angry, grief-stricken, but most are not "bad" kids. By pushing him away instead of keeping him close and trying to unpack all of that stuff with him, the message might be "my new friend is important to me, you become less important to me if you have any negative feelings about what is going on. If you are angry, scared, confused or sad...you need to go away." And that is the opposite of what an angry, scared, confused, sad kid needs to hear. Is dad getting any one-on-one time with son and then daughter? Is there predictability during the weekend he has them about when you are going to be there or not going to be there? ("Son, my friend will be here for two hours on Saturday afternoon and we'll go to the park. Then she'll go home and you, sis and I will make a special dinner.")

I'm sorry. This has to suck. Especially when a relationship is new and you are all excited about it, etc. But dating someone with young kids (or any kids) is much more complex than dating a single, kid-less person. There are emotional issues for kids post-divorce: "I now have to grieve that reality that my parents won't really ever reconcile," "if I like the new GF, is that disloyal to my mom?," "my relationship with my dad hasn't really recovered from the divorce and this new person is making that even more difficult," etc. Personally, I think that by revisiting the "should the kids be told" issue with the therapist is important, and that dad needs to focus on his son and see the tantrums as a problem with their relationship. But I'm not the dad.
posted by jeanmari at 7:42 AM on February 8 [3 favorites]

I had another thought about this situation this morning.

There are a lot of children's books and young-adult books that deal with some of the things that this boy is feeling by extension. This eleven-year-old boy might get some benefit out of reading or having read to him the story of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, or The Incredible Hulk, or other (probably better examples of) books that I can't think of right now that explore what it's like to have strong feelings that you can't control.

And then maybe you -- or his father -- can have those conversations with him, like "is it Bruce Banner's fault that he sometimes gets angry? Does he stop being a good guy when he turns into the Hulk? Do you still like him when he turns back into Bruce Banner? When is it not okay? It's not okay for him to hurt people when he's angry, right? We don't like that. But it's okay for him to get angry -- after all, he can't help it -- as long as he doesn't hurt people, right?"

And maybe, too, the boy needs some kind of play scenario where it's okay for him to break things. Maybe you (or the boy's father) build a skyscraper out of blocks or cardboard boxes, or a sand castle, or whatever, and he gets to throw rocks at it or drive cars into it, or whatever he needs to do to let some of this stuff out. Maybe he needs to break a house. So you give him a house that he can break without consequences -- and you set the boundary that if he needs to destroy something, that's fine, as long as it's one of these things, as long as it's structured.

This might give him permission to start feeling what he's feeling without worrying that he is transgressing or that he is going to lose his parents' love. He's already seen that his parents' love for one another is conditional, and he's probably scared that their love for him is also conditional.

And -- maybe -- as an outsider, this is something that you can do for him that his parents can't. You know better than I do whether you have that kind of relationship with him or not, but maybe you can be the cool grown-up who introduces the boy to the idea that he doesn't have to hold it in all the time, and here's a safe place to let some of it out. He might need that.

Good luck.
posted by gauche at 8:12 AM on February 8

My son is 11 and he has Anxiety Disorder. He is at best, a worrywart. At his worst he sounded like your bf's son. His behavior may be due to stress or he may be wired this way. My suspicion is that he's naturally anxious but ramps up into the tantrums when something big is going on. 11 year olds are smart. He is probably figuring out not only that you are dad's girlfriend but that you've been so for some time. 11 year olds are still very concerned about fairness. He may see a disparity somewhere in this muddle that is ticking him off. In the end, I think everyone needs to come clean so you can get this sorted properly.

As for psychiatric care, generally you see a psychiatrist who confirms a diagnosis and refers you to a therapist, with or without medication. When my son stated therapy it was actually him, me and my husband for the first few weeks. Then it was just him and occasionally the doc would meet with us as a family to discuss issues that had come up.

I've been the girlfriend in this scenario, and I've been the mom of the unhappy kid. It's not fun either way. Good luck.
posted by Biblio at 9:07 AM on February 8

Divorce can be much harder on kids than grownups like to admit. Take this child's words and feelings seriously. It's okay for Dad to say, repeatedly if necessary, Mom and I are not getting back together. It's not your fault we split up. I love you so much. I will love you no matter what. I miss you when you 're at your Mom's, but I know she loves you and takes good care of you. I am not going away; I will be around for you because I love you.

The boy will benefit from lots of extra love, extra physical exercise and sunshine, and probably some therapy. The girl, too - just because she's not acting out doesn't mean she's doing well.
posted by theora55 at 5:17 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

I was 11 when I experienced my first episode of relatively major depression. It was the right age for my parents to chalk it up to hormones and wait for it to go away. I was afraid to talk about it because I was subconsciously worried my mom would try to "fix" me - which was a scary prospect because it felt like my depressed feelings were an important part of my newly developing selfhood.

No one really tried to talk to me about it in a less-pressured way. If this kid is as sensitive as he seems, he can tell he is causing problems for everyone and probably feels very ashamed. Therapy might help in the long run, but in the short term sending your kid to therapy can send a message that it is wrong to feel angry, upset, anxious, whatever, and that these feelings need to be fixed or eliminated. This can just further the cycle of shameful feelings for a kid that age.

So my advice is that the father needs to really talk to the son, without pressure and over the course of multiple days or weeks, and help the son feel safe enough to express what he is feeling and what he wants to do about it. The context for these conversations should be a time and place where the son isn't already stressed, and since it seems like you might be a source of stress, you should probably absent yourself. But you could also offer, after the father and son have had a chance to talk, to talk to the son yourself if he wants to.
posted by mai at 4:40 PM on February 11