I'm ridiculously attracted to my wife but her sex drive is an issue. And when we do have sex, the effort I put into the act isn't reciprocated, which to me is almost the biggest issue. We've talked about it but nothing's really changed. What next?
posted by anonymous to human relations (45 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I love my wife and would happily make love to her every day but her sex drive isn't very high. Still, to her credit, before we had a baby (back in November) she was making the effort at least once a week, which was certainly appreciated and did not go unnoticed.
And while she certainly enjoyed herself, and I would get her to orgasm pretty quickly, her interest in doing anything 'fancy' made sex pretty unenjoyable for me.
Fancy, though, isn't how I would label what she didn't want to do. To her, a blowjob, a different position other than missionary, or even getting her to kiss me anywhere other than my mouth is what she classes as 'fancy'.
Basically, I put a lot of effort into my love making. I give her massages, kiss and touch her all over her body, go down on her, use my thumb in "amazing ways" (her own words) and when I'm thrusting, even though she doesn't want to try other positions, I manage to spice it up a bit by moving myself around while she stays on her back.
But that effort is not reciprocated, which for me is the biggest issue. She'll usually give me a handjob, a blow job if I'm lucky, and then she'll lie down on her back and expect me to just get in. I'm usually not even really warmed up at this point. So lately, I've found it hard to come when we have sex. I usually end up just getting her off and then going off to my computer to finish myself off.
After we had the baby, things did taper off, which is natural and understandable. After about 11 weeks we finally started having sex again. And it's been nice being close to her again but after 11 weeks, I really, really wanted to have an orgasm I wasn't responsible for. And just as before, I put in all the effort, got a token jesture in return, and then went to my computer to finish myself off to pornstars fucking.
Basically I'm frustrated. I want her to be into it as much as I am, which would help get me off, but when I'm essentially making love to a motionless object, that's not easy.
To answer some questions you will surely ask...
* Yes, I help out around the house. She has often commented on how I do more chores than her.
* Yes, I help out with the baby but since I work during the day and work long hours, she does do the majority of the work during weekdays. I take over a lot during weekends to give her a bit of a a break.
* Yes, I shower every day and keep myself well groomed.
* Yes, I show her affection outside of sex and tell her I love her every day.
* We are both overweight, but we were both overweight when we started dating too and she was a firecracker in the sack back then.
So I'm not sure what to do next. I've voiced my frustrations, I've told her I'd like it if she could do more and show more affection when we have sex and that her lack of movement and affection makes it difficult for me to cum.
Her response, summarised, was as follows.
* Because she's a larger girl (she's not vastly overweight but she is overweight) she finds positions other than missionary to be difficult and moving around a lot to be too difficult, which is why she stays mostly stationary.
* She also doesn't feel sexy because she's overweight, despite the fact I'm constantly telling her how sexy she is (and given my instant erections when I see her naked, she should know I'm not making that up!)
* My penis is too big, which is somewhat painful for her (we tried using lube, but she doesn't like it much and it lessens the sensation for me)
* She likes what I do to her but she doesn't want it to go on too long because she just wants to cum.
* This is also part of the reason why she doesn't do much to me... she just wants her orgasm.
She's admitted she's a selfish lover and once, before the baby, she said she would try and put in more of an effort. And she did, for a short while, and it helped. But then she basically returned to form.
I'm now in a strange situation wherein I want to have sex with my wife but at the same time I don't, because I know it won't end up being fun for me and I'll just wind up frustrated and annoyed.
What should I do next, AskMe?