I have been around the block a few times and I fully expected to get the DTMFA response and was therefore prepared from the beginning to ignore it. Sheesh, people. The reason I wanted to ask the question is to get an idea about the very basic thing that was bothering me: am I wrong in being upset by the initiation of contact with this particular sub-class of ex? Not too many people bothered to answer that question, but those that did helped convince me I was being a baby about it and to get the fuck over it already.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:23 PM on February 6, 2012
A couple of things to answer questions.
1. I do trust her. The question was whether it's appropriate to reach out to those people (Yes, that is a stupid question). And whether it was appropriate to ask her not to.* So when I said "I trust her, but" what I was trying to communicate is that the fact that she's not cheating isn't really the issue; it's whether it's disrespectful (that word again) to publicly be reaching out to someone that she's cheated with before.
*Again, look at how I asked the question. She's a bit Aspergery. When I couldn't make her understand how this incident was upsetting, I asked if it would be easier to deal with if I created a bright line rule to exclude actions that would be hurtful-- I have an Asperger's sister and such rule-setting is a common strategy for getting around social situations that aren't grasped intuitively. So it's not like I was trying to Set An Edict, rather to put a solution out there. In the wake of us discussing this thread, I dropped the proposed rule altogether and just said "it's my problem to get over and I'm over it."
2. I did offer an open relationship, and she didn't want it.
Anyway, we're not breaking up and I'm very happy with her and you guys have showed me-- ironically enough-- that the Very Dramatic approach to my feelings is never going to be very fun. This wasn't ever anything close to an existential crisis for our relationship, just a typical boundary development point. Thanks for the advice.
2. Stop asking questions you don't really want to know the answers to.
3. Really great relationships aren't this much work.
4. People really don't change.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:22 AM on February 3, 2012 [72 favorites]