Girlfriend of 3 years got blackout drunk slept with a random acquaintance while on a business trip. I need tips, methods and advice to find clarity so I can make a good decision, rather than one of impulse.
I'll do my best to keep this brief, but, well, these things have details:
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (107 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
I love her. We moved to California together to start new about 2 years ago. Was even set to propose to her this weekend up in San Fran for her birthday.
In our relationships early stages, there were several similar indiscretions. A flirty IM and picture (non-nude) exchange with a complete stranger and a year later blackout drunk at a bar she kissed a stranger. She has a promiscuous past, has cheated before, slept with multiple men inside of a week and continues to have many more male friends than female. Whatever, we all have a past, i'm certainly no saint, she's chosen to be with me and has thus far been true.
Last thursday she met with a dear girlfriend and went to a bar while on business back in NYC. An old colleague saw through facebook they were out, and they invited him to meet up. They drove back to my girlfriends bar to drink more. it was closed. somehow the 3 ended up in her room.
My GF straddled the guy, told her friend to get out, and proceeded to have sex, without a condom, until friend walked back in.
Back home, I asked her why she was out so late (i got a love you text after midnight), we fought, after denying several times that they were even out with boys, she admitted it and told me the whole story (which i believe, blackout drunk, quick sex, kicked him out).
I love her, was going to propose, the usual feelings of being scared of being alone, her not in my life, blah blah blah, you know the breakup fears that stop people from breaking up that exist and cause cheaters to be let back in. Prior to this one and only incident, she was THE ONE. We'd worked through our demons and were excited to start a life together fresh (hence moving to Cali).
But, I'm a 35 year old, good looking, successful, charming guy in a large southern california city, have loved before and I'm capable of loving again. I will get over this if that's the path i choose. She'll be crushed, I'll be crushed, but she cheated, and she knew that was the 1 unforgivable sin. And she came on to him, which stings even more.
Right now my principles tell me to man up and kick her to the curb and move on. I feel anger, brutal disappointment, and it's preventing me from thinking clearly. I go from one extreme to the other: we're done <> people make mistakes, we are great together, we can work through this
So, the question, how do I find clarity right now? I can't work. I can't sleep. Every 3 minutes i picture her naked attacking this guy and it's preventing me from thinking clearly on what to do. What steps do I take to make sure I am making the right decision, rather than one of impulse and hurt. It's all so fresh that I'm not thinking big, and i need to think big.
I'm not really looking for what decision to make from the hive-mind (though all opinions welcome, my guy friends are predictable), rather how do I find clarity in this incredibly raw state so I, and only I, can decide what to do.
Oh, and a random one, as a general rule, are people who take back cheaters suckers and fools? or adults working through the ups and downs of a long term relationship.
(obvious disclaimers: yes she is getting tested. yes we talked about therapy for both. yes she is looking in to alcohol/impulse control treatment. i truly believe her guilt.)>