Running into peope when you have social anxiety
January 29, 2012 7:40 AM   Subscribe

How do I (someone with social anxiety) overcome my fear of running into certain people after a relationship ends badly? Snowflake details inside.

Last year, I experienced a very uncomfortable situation where I was treated poorly by employees from a local gym that I used to frequent often.

I decided not to go back to this gym for close to two months because I had absolutely no desire for seeing these people. I felt very anxious and ashamed thinking about everything that had happened and how they had treated me. I regretted things that I said because I tried to be far too nice and said things that were sentimental and mushy despite how they treated me.

I also trusted two people from this gym, but I feel like they took advantage of me on a personal and financial level. So, I decided to avoid this place for close to two months because I thought it would make me feel emotionally safer after what they did to me (treated me poorly, took advantage of me financially, said things that made me cry, ambushed me and said that they needed to talk even though I was not notified about this in advance and this is not how the organization approaches clients according to someone very high up in the company).

When I look back at this incident, I realize that I was in a very bad place emotionally and that I was not prepared for working one on one with a trainer because of my emotional place. But, the training helped me out in terms of getting my mind off of everything in my life. I did not lose weight, but that's because I wasn't focused on that and my goals changed as things became much worse for me.

I realize that despite all of this, I should still go back to this gym. I think it's because a part of me refuses to accept the idea of avoiding this place completely because I feel like I would have to settle if I went to a different location. The other locations are further away from my place and don't look as nice as this gym.

The reason why this incident stuck with me is because I have experienced certain traumatic bullying incidents throughout my life and this particular incident reminded me of those other times where I had limited control and was hurt by people that I once counted as friends or people that I had to see on a regular basis even if they were not friends.

I want to keep forcing myself to go back to this place despite the anxiety and shame that I feel after the incident occurred.

I not only said mushy things, but I also acted in a way that probably made these employees think that there was something wrong with me. For instance, once I went to the gym location because my phone died and I wanted to let my trainer know that I was having a very difficult day. But, I was crying so much that day and I was in a terrible place. My trainer actually walked me home and treated me very kindly that day.

She knew that I was struggling and she knew that I disliked my previous trainer (someone that took advantage of me). She told me that I could trust her despite what happened between myself and the other trainer, but things quickly ended on a sour note after working together for just three months or so. I know that I should get over this and I want nothing more than to get over this. But, having social anxiety makes it difficult for certain feelings to leave regardless of how much I don't want to have these feelings.

I feel like my trainer must have shown everyone the humiliating email that I sent basically saying thank you and that I was sorry and that it would be hard to find a trainer as great as her. I didn't mean anything bad from this, but I feel so much regret for sending this email. I also sent another one later on stating that it's best if we do not talk from this point onwards.

But, I would like to know how to deal with my anxiety when it comes to running into certain people after a relationship has ended on a bad note. Logically, I know that these people have probably stopped thinking about the situation and strictly saw what they did as business. And, even in other situations, I know that most people have long forgotten about conversations or emails that were sent a long time ago. Yet, I still feel this anxiety and I want nothing more than to improve things for myself and get over this feeling.

I have noticed that this feeling of anxiety overcomes me in other situations where relationships have ended badly too. So, I want to conquer this fear and I know that running away from my fears is not going to benefit me nor is it something that I want to do.

My therapist told me that I should keep going back to this place in order to prove to myself that I can conquer this fear and that if she knew that I wouldn't benefit from this then she would not have recommended going back to a place where I feel emotionally unsafe. She also told me that I will eventually reach a point where I'll become desensitized and seeing these people won't matter. I agree with her which is why I went back to this place a week ago (although I went at a time when I had a feeling none of them would be there), yet I still feel anxious about going back to this location. I was okay while there but I wanted nothing more than to ensure that I wouldn't run into these people.

So clearly, I need some advice in regards to how to deal with my anxious feelings and fear of running into people after a relationship ends badly.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks mefites!

P.S. I do have social anxiety according to my therapist and psychiatrist. They told me that this is a result from traumatic experiences that have occurred during my life. I currently take medication for my social anxiety and speak to a therapist and psychiatrist regularly.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I have to say -- I think it's actually kind of weird that your therapist is encouraging you to do this in the first place. I don't have social anxiety, and if my trainer treated me the way you were treated, I would have no problem deciding never setting foot in the place again. It's not only a matter of interpersonal relations, it's a matter of a business mistreating its customers, and when a business mistreats its customers, or doesn't give it's customers the things the customer wants, no one is surprised when the customer says "well, fine then, I'll just go somewhere else!"

So I'm not sure what her logic is. I'll admit I'm not a therapist myself, but...still.

As for running into them on the street -- I've had a few occasions where I've seen people I had a bad end with on the street, and I'll admit that I deal with that situation by ducking out of sight before they see me (admittedly, since I live in New York, that isn't too hard to do). And strangely, actually laying eyes on them again helped -- I actually had the experience of seeing them again, and....the world didn't end. So I no longer had to worry about "what will happen if I see them on the street," because I saw them on the street, and....I knew what would happen, which was "nothing".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:33 AM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't think you need to go back at all. But if you want to go back, I'd go in and if you see them, nod at them while continuing to walk past them. You don't need to stop and try to engage them in conversation; you are DONE conversing with these people.

But, says your anxiety, what if they stop me to talk? "Anon, wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you..." You say something along the lines of "I hear you but I don't have the time*," in a regretfully affirmative tone while continuing to move, making them have to make the choice to walk with you or drop it. If they do start walking with you, you repeat that you have just enough time to work out so they'll have to excuse you. Again, you're continuing to walk this whole time. Make it a firm statement, not a question, and do not even if it feels uncomfortable offer up a solution (as in, you can catch me next time). Because the real solution is that you'll say the same thing every time. You are too busy for these people, full stop, from now on.

If even after that they won't leave it alone, it's time to talk to the gym management. But I'd be shocked if it progressed to that point.

*Not "I don't have the time today." Just "I don't have the time."
posted by vegartanipla at 9:17 AM on January 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


I've had weird experience with gym trainers too, so I sympathize. One thing to remember: unlike, say, an ex-partner where the relationship was significant to both of you, these relationships and incidents that were so significant to you were likely just small blips to the other people involved. You were one of many clients/gym-goers they saw each day. I say this not to make light of what happened, but to give you perspective that they don't spend a lot of time thinking about this, and will probably expect you to feel the same way - which means you can ACT this way even if you don't feel it, and it will be fine. As folks said above, you are done interacting with these people, and you can simply make that stance your invisible force field. You'll feel triumphant once you get through this, best of luck.
posted by judith at 9:29 AM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


It might help if you understand that none of this is your fault. You describe your own reaction to the poor treatment you received from the employees at your gym in derogatory terms ('mushy', 'too nice') and might somehow be forgetting that they put you in this position. They made you uncomfortable. They treated you poorly. They created the whole scenario. You were simply going about your business and something happened on their part that was not nice, not your fault and made you feel terrible. The way you reacted--whatever you said, whatever email you wrote--is okay. Focus on what happened without dragging yourself into the mud. They behaved poorly. And now they have lost your business as a result. Cause and effect. Totally rational. It's what they should expect and, bottom line, it's their loss. If going back to this branch of your gym is important to you--do it. Keep your head up. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Being able to face running into people you would rather not knowing that you have nothing to be ashamed of will take time. Be kind to yourself and remember that you have no reason to avoid anyone.
posted by marimeko at 9:45 AM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


In my work I deal with a lot of individual clients, and prior to getting into this work I never would have imagined how impersonal and detached I could feel about these interactions.

If you were one of my clients, you would never know this, because I'm very friendly and concerned and focused on the details of your situation. But an hour or two after our meeting I may even have trouble remembering what your name was.

It's not that I don't care. It's just that dealing with large numbers of clients your mind starts doing weird things; it's not by choice that I forget you.

And when a client terminates a relationship or does something "weird," I simply do not care. I don't allocate the mental space to worrying about that. It's barely a blip on the radar of my work day.

That's a long way of saying, I am SURE the importance you are ascribing to these emails and interactions -- and the associated shame -- is all on you. You can safely assume that nobody other than you is dwelling on your conduct. You're just a person to them, and I feel almost certain they are not troubled by your behavior at all. It's in the nature of intensive client-based work, to not worry about such things. Seriously.

posted by jayder at 10:50 AM on January 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


You do seem to be missing the distinction between professional and personal relationships, and I'm not sure why your therapist has urged you to keep using a service provider that you consider has treated you poorly. The only way I can make sense of this is if your therapist were trying to get you to depersonalize it in a manner appropriate to a business relationship, but that's still not lining up with the standard response of taking your business elsewhere.

"treated me poorly, took advantage of me financially, said things that made me cry, ambushed me and said that they needed to talk even though I was not notified about this in advance and this is not how the organization approaches clients according to someone very high up in the company"

I'm not sure I understand this. You make it sound as if you had an almost cultlike relationship with these trainers. And yet your inability to distinguish between the personal and the professional make me wonder if maybe this was just bad service which you are taking especially personally. I can certainly imagine a personal trainer getting Svengali-like on a vulnerable client, so I don't think your account is simply to be disbelieved, I'm just not sure what precisely happened here.
posted by tel3path at 1:49 PM on January 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


Hi anon, I'm also confused at what happened as tel3path mentioned. Did you have a romantic relationship with your trainer? Or did a trainer befriend you and ask for a loan? My advice would vary based on what went on. In general, if a gym treated me badly and their employees were jerks or inappropriate, I would go to management and tell them what happened and demand a refund for the gym membership. Not knowing the specifics, that was my first thought. You will feel better. Part of what I'm hearing from your question is that you are feeling a little victimized by them in some way--or bullied. I think you have to take back the power and put this all in the right perspective: they are a business, you are a paying customer, they were inappropriate in some way--so give me my refund.

If you're not going that route and you still really want to go to this gym, you have to go in knowing that you are a paying customer with every right to go in, workout, put on your headphones if you want and that's it. You have every right to be there. You don't have to be friendly. You don't have to make friends there. What if they think you're weird--so what? Take back the power in this situation. If you see yucky trainer person, just nod and keep walking. Make up your mind as to what level of interaction you want for the day--hello or leave me alone. Personally if I am trying to avoid someone, I just find it's less energy to acknowledge the person and keep on with my business but sometimes I just ignore. As my mom said, most people aren't thinking about you, they're thinking about themselves. I think that's true.
posted by biscuits at 10:28 PM on January 29, 2012


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