Friend's Boyfriend Might be a very Sketchy Dude

January 28, 2012 2:15 PM

I heard rumors of some serious allegations of embezzlement about a good friend’s boyfriend. I don’t know what I should do with this information. I need some advice.

So I need some advice dealing with what seems like a pretty tricky situation with someone I have become fast friends with over the past year (we’ll call her Alice) since we both moved to another city for school. Recently I found out that Alice’s boyfriend from back home (we’ll call him Calvin) has a bit of a sketchy past. According to a friend of a friend, over a year ago Calvin left a small non-profit in disgrace after being accused embezzling money from the organization (less than $10k). Apparently this never really got out because the organization was afraid of the damage it would do to their reputation. As far as I know, Alice does not know about any of this.

Now Alice does know a bit about Calvin’s sketchy past. She told me about how Calvin had started a business couple years back and somehow ended up on the wrong end of a lawsuit with his business partner (he lost and moved out of town). She doesn’t really know all the details of that situation though.

Alice and Calvin have been going out for a year (longer than I have known her) and whenever I hang out with him he is extremely friendly and personable. She likes him a lot, her family likes him, but word has gone around town back home that he is a bit of dodgy character.

Now recently he has been talking about moving her to be with Alice (and marriage in the no-so-distant future). This has made me a bit nervous for her sake. I am not sure if I should tell her what I know about the embezzlement charge or about how a bunch of people I know have major reservations about him. On the one hand it seems obvious that she should know this stuff about him. On the other hand he has been nothing but sweet to me and they seem really happy together. I also have no real way of verifying the claims.

In the past I have felt guilty about divulging personal information that damaged another person’s reputation even though it was definitely for the greater good. I want to tread very carefully here and I need advice. I really do value my friendship with Alice and, in general, we are very open with each other. Please help.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

You've heard a rumor of embezzlement and you want to divulge this rumor to a casual acquaintance who is maybe going to marry the purported embezzler?

There is so little that is definite in what you're saying that one doesn't know where to begin.

How do you know that the rumor of embezzlement comes from an objective source? Maybe the guy's former business partner is pissed off at him and is looking to tarnish his reputation by spreading malicious gossip.

Unless you have a more convincing set of evidence than what you've presented here, stay out of it.
posted by dfriedman at 2:25 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

Rumors from a friend of a friend, come on. Stay out of it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:30 PM on January 28, 2012 [5 favorites]

It's a rumor that you can't verify. For all you know, this gossip is unfounded. Consider also that Alice may already know about it. I'd keep my mouth shut.
posted by Sal and Richard at 2:31 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

If Alice actually already knows something about it, and you happen to talk about it, you might sure say "you want to watch this" or something, but otherwise rumors shmumors; not your job spreading them any further. Give the guy a chance to a life.
posted by Namlit at 2:33 PM on January 28, 2012

I'm generally in the BYOB camp on things like this, but I think this might be something worth mentioning... if this guy is a scam artist, he could end up taking your friend for a ride financially. I think you have to weigh the credibility of the information for yourself; none of us can know that. But if you really think there's a good chance these stories about his background are true, then it could be worth disclosing to her, casually: "Hey, I heard this crazy rumor that Calvin did XYZ, don't mean to be intrusive but I just thought you might want to know about it." Then it's her call whether to brush it off or investigate further.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 2:35 PM on January 28, 2012 [7 favorites]

It's a rumour and should be ignored, but some other details do set my spidey sense tingling. How old are you guys?

If they're planning on marrying soon after moving in together and you've only just started college, then that together with extremely friendly and personable and other people having reservations does suggest that there's a tendency there which could be worrying.

Is it any of your business? Not really.
posted by ambrosen at 2:35 PM on January 28, 2012

Say nothing. Alice is an adult and when and if she finds out about Calvin's alleged transgressions she can make her own decisions. She may already know. The rumors might be false. Either way stay out of it.
posted by Fairchild at 2:35 PM on January 28, 2012

You really have NO way of knowing what really happened here, AND she might well know all about it already. She likes him, her family likes him, he is good to her, and and he's always been nice to YOU. You will gain NOTHING from getting into this.

If she mentions any of this to you, of course then tell her that you've heard some crazy rumors, but I would NOT bring it up.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:37 PM on January 28, 2012

What's your motive here? No, really - think about it. Why do you want to tell the friend about this? If you dig deeper, I guarantee the answer to that question is about you rather than being about the friend.

My advice: stay out of it.
posted by 2oh1 at 2:42 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think you should tell her.

Not in terms of 'watch out, rumor says your bf is a scumbag,'

but in terms of, 'bf should know that these rumors about him are circulating, and if you two are a team then it's both of your problems, and let me know if there's anything I can do to help, beyond obviously not repeating them further.'

Help can imply anything from speaking up to clear his good name to helping her investigate further, secure her assets, or get out, depending on how she receives the information.

If rumors were floating around about you or someone you cared about, wouldn't you rather know?
posted by Salamandrous at 2:47 PM on January 28, 2012 [31 favorites]

This is called being a busybody; it's none of your business and stay the heck out of it.
posted by smoke at 2:48 PM on January 28, 2012

(Uh jeez, I meant MYOB obviously. haha.)
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 2:58 PM on January 28, 2012 [6 favorites]

I agree with Salamandrous. If someone was spreading slanderous rumors about me or someone I cared deeply about, I'd want to know and I would appreciate someone bringing it to my attention. But not in the way you're thinking, OP. If a good friend of mine brought up unverifiable gossip heard from "a friend of a friend" in the tone of "LOOK OUT! Your boyfriend has a sketchy past and you could be his next victim!", not only would I not be able to take her seriously, but I'd think much less of her for being so eager to believe such negative third-hand rumors about someone I love.

If you're going to bring it up, only mention it in terms of, "Hey friend, these people are talking about your boyfriend in a defamatory way, and I want you to know what's up so that you and boyfriend can figure out who is spreading this rumor and why. I'm sorry this is happening to him," and then leave it alone.
posted by keep it under cover at 3:06 PM on January 28, 2012 [5 favorites]

" ... over a year ago Calvin left a small non-profit in disgrace after being accused embezzling money from the organization (less than $10k). Apparently this never really got out because the organization was afraid of the damage it would do to their reputation"

Now it may well be that this happened as has been described and he's a wrong 'un - but I would imagine for a small voluntary organisation to lose a five-figure sum would be proportionately quite significant and thus worth a bit of a scandal to pursue a prosecution if there was clear evidence of criminality.

Might it just as well be possible that the loss was not incurred through Calvin's direct actions, but through his incompetence, or organisational mismanagement, or careless accounting and it's the embarrassment of any of that getting out that is the real reason why they're not taking action? What I'm trying to say is that in between the story origins and its retelling, there could be any number of mishearings, distortions or misinterpretations that could cast Calvin in a much worse light than perhaps he deserves. Again, I'm not saying the stories are wrong, just that in being justified in creating the sort of drama that you are contemplating, you need to be very sure of the actual facts, not the facts twice removed.

Timeline - assuming he was responsible for some criminality. or poor judgement or whatever, if this all happened before he met Alice, maybe he has had a change of heart and is trying to be a better person now and this won't be an issue again. Maybe she's the best thing that ever happened to him, which is why he's happy and personable now. Again, he may be a weasel but then again he may be a reformed weasel who's trying to put the past behind him - you don't know the facts, so is it worth the hassle and pain as it is?

"In the past I have felt guilty about divulging personal information that damaged another person’s reputation even though it was definitely for the greater good."

Is this a pattern of behaviour you see in yourself sometimes? Do you often find yourself making judgement calls about divulging what you think others need to know about certain people? It sounds like you feel you have a duty to do so - I can understand this if it is in the context of letting people know about a convicted child molester moving into an area with a school, for example (though some people may not think even this is appropriate), but if it's you unilaterally deciding that someone needs to know something about someone else, I would gently query whether that was appropriate in some cases.

Of course there is always the option of speaking quietly to Calvin to let him know these rumours are circulating, but again, be prepared for him to ask you where you got your information from. This may not be appropriate or safe for you to do, so I wouldn't recommend it, but you may have thought about it already.

It's really all about the facts - what you know, what first-hand evidence you may have, what you can provie - if you're going to potentially reveal something very harsh and derogatory to Alice about Calvin. Just be sure you are as certain as you can be, because I have a feeling if you do decide to proceed it will get very nasty very quickly, one way or the other.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:27 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Only because consensus is sometimes important with this sort of stuff: keep your mouth shut.
posted by kavasa at 3:30 PM on January 28, 2012

I always go with the mantra:

"If I were in her shoes, would I want to know?"

In this case, yes I would. It could be nothing, or he could be a scam artist and she/you are being shown a Red Flag.

However, I would say it in the form of "You should know that there are rumors about your boyfriend going around that the two of you may or may not want to deal with".

Do not say "he might be an shady guy" or anything else that sounds like an accusation as you do not have strong enough evidence to support it.
posted by Shouraku at 3:42 PM on January 28, 2012 [9 favorites]

It's one thing to hear a single rumor and get into a moral dilemma of telling your friend, but you've heard two separate accounts from two different people relating to his shadiness. I would bring it up with the friend as this directly affects her credit, which will affect her life whether he's in it or not.
posted by june made him a gemini at 3:45 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

In my experience people are unlikely to believe bad things about their significant other, even with direct evidence. Since you don't have anything other than vague gossip, it's not at all likely that she'll believe you enough to be on her guard. All you will accomplish will be to destroy your friendship with her.
posted by winna at 4:06 PM on January 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Don't tell her that you know something about Calvin, tell her about other people talking about it. It isn't about you warning her, its about talking about other people gossiping. If she knows already then fine, and if it piques her interest she can pursue it, but you've told her what you know without implying judgment.

"I heard this really weird rumour about Calvin and embezzlement, isn't that super strange? It can't imagine him doing something like that! ... You haven't heard that either? Never mind then!"
posted by Kololo at 4:48 PM on January 28, 2012

I would tell. Friends look out for each other. If you don't tell, it's like you're protecting Calvin. But he's not your friend; she is.

And maybe it's because I encounter scamsters and fraudsters and nuts of various types through work but ... I don't see any reason to dismiss the rumor out of hand. People steal and cheat all the time, it happens.
posted by yarly at 4:54 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

Two separate accounts from two sources are still hearsay. But you know what, maybe the real story is that Calvin discovered embezzlement committed by someone else, got fired for reporting it or knowing about it (which is usual) and the company then started a whisper campaign against Calvin to cover their own asses.

If you care about protecting your friend, do a background check. It's perfectly possible to do (though again the records may only be as trustworthy as the record keepers). If that's too much trouble, then hold your tongue or the suspicious character in this story is you.
posted by tel3path at 4:57 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

So you guys are from the same town, and 'word has gone around town' about this? Then plenty of people who are closer to Alice and know more about Calvin have heard this, and had the opportunity to warn her. Leave it.
posted by jacalata at 5:06 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

"And it wasn't until after the divorce that I found out that everybody knew. Everyone. And not one of them said a word to me."


You've seen that line before, or one like it, right? I reckon you've seen it a bunch of times. I think we all have.

"Mind your own business" is very, very sensible advice. It is also incredibly selfish, and depending on the situation, may be thoroughly heartless and outright cruel.

There is a very great difference between alerting a friend to the fact that gossip exists, and plying said gossip in a way to incite drama or manufacturing drama for your own ends. I trust that you know what that difference is. If not, other commenters have outlined it fairly well.

By making your friend aware that there is a possibly difficult situation at hand, you may be causing more difficulty for yourself: she may be upset, she may be angry, she may blame the messenger. Making your friend aware of the gossip is definitely going to cause you some inconvenience, maybe a lot of it. It is also the right thing to do.
posted by mie at 5:33 PM on January 28, 2012 [7 favorites]

...or to put it another way, paraphrased from something I read somewhere and now cannot remember:

"Your friends will tell you how pretty you look, as you make your way to the bar,
But the real friend will tell you your makeup is smudged, and help fix it in the car."
posted by mie at 5:38 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Alice is a lot more invested in Calvin than she is in you. You are easier to drop if you just tell her unpleasant rumors. I wouldn't say anything to her unless I had some concrete proof of this stuff going down.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:27 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]